Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

367 replies

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:21

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 20/05/2023 23:36

They arnt our friends really I think they view you as acquaintances you happen to know through kids sport. Plus if you live a distance from each other adds another layer of not being close

ClareBlue · 20/05/2023 23:36

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

No, but we know someone who charges 100 pounds to attend the first phase of a party then excludes you from the 2nd phase, if that helps

Salome61 · 20/05/2023 23:38

So sorry, that's such poor networking, what an idiot.

We'd lived up here in the NE for about ten years when we discovered we were the only couple not invited to a big 50ieth party. The evening before the party I got a call from the husband - a doctor - to say we were on his 'waiting list' and as someone had dropped out, he was pleased to invite us. I said I'd get my husband to phone him back. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, all these years later I still feel angry about it.

Original poster
stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 23:39

FallopianTubeTrain · 20/05/2023 21:54

Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party”

Sure this wasn't a euphemism for a sex thing? Special birthday so hubs pops home to put the good duvet cover on and turn big light off, maybe even light that Yankee candle that's been sat in the window sill since last Christmas?

This made me HOWL laughing. You never know- I'm so baffled it could be the case!

OP posts:
CHAKRAlight · 20/05/2023 23:41

Matt and Eva are not your friends.... £200 for the pleasure of their company...you may as well have gone to the Opera....who asks friends for money to come to their party? (aside from Matt and Eva...no one).....

amc8583 · 20/05/2023 23:41

Real friends wouldn't do this. I also think it's totally obsurd to be asked to pay so much money for a birthday party!

ChangedForEmbarrassingQuestions · 20/05/2023 23:42

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 23:39

This made me HOWL laughing. You never know- I'm so baffled it could be the case!

Show quote history

How many people were at the first party?

sweetdreamstenasee · 20/05/2023 23:46

depends on the ratio from party to after party, if it was 80 for the big party and 6 of their closest best fiends back for the afters I wouldn’t be hurt but I voted yanbu, probably because I think if you’ve shelled out that cash you should be invited to all parts.

Saucemonkey · 20/05/2023 23:46

Malificent1 · 20/05/2023 21:28

These people are not your friends.

This. Drop these people they are awful.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 20/05/2023 23:47

One can only assume they're sex people and they didn't think you be down for it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2023 23:49

Scyla · 20/05/2023 21:35

Maybe it was PILs etc at home that didn't want to go out and are staying over to babysit. He might have been picking up a takeaway for them. It's unlikely it was an overlapping group.

A takeaway with your in-laws is not a party! They were having a party.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2023 23:51

They are complete and utter users. Please don't invite them again.

Original poster
stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 23:53

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 20/05/2023 23:00

Asking for £200 is a bit unreasonable

Viewing the friendship in a different way to you isn't though. They see you as acquaintances, people they like enough to have to a larger party and occasional nibbles but not close friends. They probably wonder why you go so all out!

Or, as others have said it was either for family and very close friends or it was drugs/a swingers party

All of this is true. Yes I did give Matt £200 in cash because he said that's what it cost. I don't think that makes me a "mug" as some posters have said- they are/were "friends"; it was the "cost" of the party as we were told.
And yes I need to pull my big girl pants on. No point whinging about money spent/lost. I think in fairness I wasn't moaning about that in any case- just feeling a bit "used".
Thanks to everyone who's been supportive- I needed a few people to agree with me that this whole situation is a bit "dickish".
I won't let myself get pulled into their nonsense again.

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 20/05/2023 23:54

My initial thought is that they like to party and take illegal substances with their friends and it's probably not something you do so that's why you weren't invited to the after party which no doubt will be a messy affair as it's the big 40

I do think it's very out of order though to get you to pay £200 that's the part I take most umbrage with

HappiDaze · 21/05/2023 00:00

It's very normal where I live for that age group to still take drugs and party, very common indeed amongst the Middle classes and well hidden. Although it's a shame you still couldn't be invited as most people take their substances and share in such a way you'd never notice if it wasn't something you're used to doing yourself. I guess they wanted to be surrounded by their most trusted party people so they could a bit overboard

HappiDaze · 21/05/2023 00:02

Grin at posters thinking they're into dodgy sex or swingers parties, I mean they might be but not the obvious scenario

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 00:03

I would definitely find out if the evening did cost £200. They have behaved so badly and if they have overcharged you then I would go ballistic.

Original poster
stanfordpuma · 21/05/2023 00:08

RunningUpThatMill · 20/05/2023 22:44

I think you are ridiculous to pay £200 to go to a friend's party.

I know people type stuff on the internet, but when I read this my heart actually gave a "thump" of pain in my chest. Your words caused that. You made me feel small and stupid and ridiculous.
I know I'm not, and I've reminded myself of the circumstances, but still, your post caused my heart to skip a beat and make me feel a bit unwell. I thought I'd just mention this in case you post lots of comments like this.

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 21/05/2023 00:13

I'd be tempted to call the venue and pretend to be 'Eva' asking if my husband 'Matt' owed anything and how much did it come to by the way

SilentParrot · 21/05/2023 00:14

I'm agog at them charging guests £100 a head to attend this pre-party party. I know that's not your main issue but it speaks a lot to their character that they're comfortable doing something as mercenary as this.

You sound lovely, and are right to feel hurt. I'd just retreat from them massively and acknowledge that they're not the people you thought they were.

Absolute cheeky fuckers though.

Tigertigertigertiger · 21/05/2023 00:17

@stanfordpuma You sound like an absolutely wonderful host and I’d love to come to one of your parties 🥳

JudgeRudy · 21/05/2023 00:19

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:21

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

That would irritate me but I think I'd have questioned the timings at the time. What type of do was it? I'm curious as to what you paid your £200 for.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 21/05/2023 00:20

Eva and Matt are users. I would say, if you enjoy hosting so much it wouldn't be a problem but you forked out £200 for a 4 hour do and they didn't even invite you to the main bit? If he needed to leave early to set up the house then it was more than a few after party drinks. It was the proper party. Yeah, don't have them over again. Concentrate on other friends and as a pp said, if they ever have the cheek to ask why the invites to dinner stopped, tell them the truth. Users like this have the hide of a rhino so don't worry about upsetting them, they won't give a shit.

MsRosley · 21/05/2023 00:20

SilentParrot · 21/05/2023 00:14

I'm agog at them charging guests £100 a head to attend this pre-party party. I know that's not your main issue but it speaks a lot to their character that they're comfortable doing something as mercenary as this.

You sound lovely, and are right to feel hurt. I'd just retreat from them massively and acknowledge that they're not the people you thought they were.

Absolute cheeky fuckers though.

Yes, I just couldn't get past this. I remember the days - fondly - when people paid for their own bloody party and it was enough for guests to just turn up.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 21/05/2023 00:22

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 22:46

Very useful insight and thank you. Our kids are in sport together which is why I keep trying to be nice (it's a niche sport). Lots of food for thought in your post.

Show quote history

I'd just quitely step back then, don't invite them, be busy if they invite you, keep everything light and meaningless if they come over and chat Be vague if they ask why they haven't been invited over, they seem to type to do that. They're users and you've had an escape from them, at least you can save the money you would have spent hosting them in future if they hadn't shown loud and clear what kind of people they are.