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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be confused and hurt over no invite

253 replies

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 20/05/2023 18:19

I have been friends with a group of women since my teens. We generally stay in touch via social media / WhatsApp and meet a few times a year locally.
We are all approaching (or are over!) a big birthday this year. I opened FB this morning to find a post from one of the group thanking “all her friends for the best birthday party ever” and loads of photos of them all in her garden celebrating. Obvs I didn’t get the memo…or an invite!
Ive spoken to a few of them over the last few weeks and obviously not one of them mentioned it. Even stranger, I’m due to meet birthday girl for lunch this week and prior to today she’s been behaving completely normally.

The adult in me really just wants to forget it and focus on people in my life who actually want me there. But the inner 13 year old in my head is raging and crying over this and this apparent rejection! And I’m going over and over in my head about what I could have possibly done to be snubbed like that.

So WWYD?

  1. Forget, block and move on
  2. Meet birthday girl for lunch as planned and say nothing?
  3. Meet birthday girl and find out how your invite got so lost in the post…

Thank you!

OP posts:
Climbles · 21/05/2023 18:39

I’d need to know just incase it was accidentally. But if it was a deliberate snub then I’d back off from the whole group.

KezzabellaB · 21/05/2023 18:43

Shamelessly placemarking here..I need to know what happens!!!!!

PoppyTries · 21/05/2023 18:44

Tellmeimcrazy · 20/05/2023 23:59

The other thing is when you're invited somewhere like a bday you all chat about what you're wearing/what time you'll arrive and other little derails. I'm just so shocked it wasn't mentioned to OP especially given they have been friends since being teens

I was thinking this as well. It sounds like there are loads of these celebrations, as everyone is having a milestone birthday this year. Is there usually some chat about rides or timing or what everyone is wearing? If there is normally, then the absence of it in this case is suspicious. Is there no one in the friend group you feel comfortable asking?

I agree with the poster who wrote that they’d be tempted to comment “it looks like you’ve had a lovely birthday” on the sm post.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2023 18:47

SilverBirchWithout · 20/05/2023 19:26

Were partners there too? One of my dear friends has been known to exclude me in the past and only include people who the partner gets on well with her husband if it’s an event with partners. It can hurt as there is nothing wrong with my husband! he’s just not a man’s man type who plays sport with her husband.

I don't think that would make it OK.
What if OP were single, no invite either?

northernsunshine · 21/05/2023 19:07

You are not being unreasonable but please, please do option 2. Go to lunch, have a nice time and then don’t bother making any effort moving forward and wait to see if she reaches out to you.

please ignore the advice about confronting her, no one is obligated to invite anyone anywhere and it will just through up something unpleasant. No good comes from finding the answer to that question but the fact of the matter is if they wanted you there you would have been invited and you weren’t. Don’t take it personally, these things happen.

Pammy26 · 21/05/2023 19:07

How upsetting for you. Definitely 3

CatticusFinch · 21/05/2023 19:09

If this were me, I would comment on the Facebook post 'Hope you had a lovely party' and then wait. If nothing comes back from that, I would ask outright along the lines of 'I appear to have misjudged our friendship' kind of thing. I would be most upset by the fact the other friends have obviously not mentioned it either.

PinkyFlamingo · 21/05/2023 19:18

I would t be going to any lunch with someone if they had deliberately left me out. Hopefully three is a better explanation

NeedToChangeName · 21/05/2023 19:18

OP, I had similar once. I went to drop off a birthday gift for a friend, only to discover 8 of our mutual friends there for drinks

I was upset not to be invited

And embarrassed that our mutual friends must have realised I hadn't been invited

I didn't say anything. I felt the only explanation would be some variation of "I like them more than you". I didn't want to hear that

We are still friends. I don't feel as close now

On MN, many people seem quick to cut off friends. IRL, I think it's often better to recalibrate the friendship kn your own head

jenny38 · 21/05/2023 19:27

I think this could have been a suprise party, but you won't know unless you ask. Tricky indeed, and definitely resurrects the teenager in me too. I hope you get the answer you need.

Redebs · 21/05/2023 19:43

ShandaLear · 20/05/2023 20:55

Just message and say, “I’m hurt I wasn’t invited to your birthday party when everyone else was, and had clearly been told not to discuss it with me. Your Facebook post caught me completely unawares and while you can invite who you want to your own party, you clearly deliberately hid it.

I’m going to cancel our planned lunch and consider how to move on from what I thought was a good friendship.”

I'd go with this.

None of that "ooo, did you have a nice party?" thing, waiting to challenge her to come up with an excuse good enough. Passive aggression is so negative and demeaning.

It was rude and disrespectful to not invite you and then put it all over social media. If there was a genuine reason, then it's up to them to feel bad about it. I think it's unforgivable and wouldn't feel comfortable spending time with people who could do that to you.

Blankscreen · 21/05/2023 19:56

Op its obvious you weren't invited.

You don't need to her to tell you why. If she had wanted you there you would have been there. Personally I would like the photo on social media, cancel the lunch and emotionally detach yourself from her.

Make an effort with the others but that might be awkward and you might need to move on from them all.

IVFlife · 21/05/2023 20:02

I would be really hurt. Hope you are ok

Dibbydoos · 21/05/2023 20:04

WTF are these really friends?!

Def 3 and then consider who your friends are.

Don't take a present. And as I assume you wished her a HB by social media/text, you don't need a card either.

What a nasty thing to do when yiuce been friends with them for years.

Sending you a hug OP x

2bazookas · 21/05/2023 20:08

Meet birthday girl for lunch and say " Welcome to my party"

FlamingoQueen · 21/05/2023 20:20

I would have to say something otherwise it would eat away at me.

Autumntree · 21/05/2023 20:24

I wouldn't block but would stop socialising altogether and move on.

TennisWithDeborah · 21/05/2023 20:30

This smells of a misunderstanding to me. I think you should mention it in a non confrontational way.

If it becomes clear however, that you were deliberately excluded, bring the lunch to a close as quickly as you reasonably can and distance yourself from this group.

Rhaenys · 21/05/2023 20:39

Normally I’d be in the forget about it camp but this seems outrageous. I think I’d have to say something.

Splat92 · 21/05/2023 20:41

Justalittlebitduckling · 20/05/2023 22:34

I would probably ask one of the other friends, the one I was closest with. As in, “Sorry this is a bit weird/awkward but I was a bit surprised not to be invited to Olivia’s party? Do you have any idea why I wasn’t invited when everyone else was?”

This is exactly what I would do

melj1213 · 21/05/2023 20:54

I never understand why people are so quick to just dump friends, especially long term ones, without at least having one conversation about what has happened when there is even the remotest possibility that it was a genuine oversight somewhere along the line ... In this case it could have been a surprise and when one of your other friends contacted the host to ask about other invitees they mistakenly said you weren't able to come and so thats why nobody messaged you as they assumed you were not attending.

Maybe it's because I just don't have many long term friends, and those I do have I would hate to lose, but I would never just dump a friend without at least having a conversation first. I would give the friend a chance to explain what happened as there is a possibility that it wasn't intentional - it doesn't need to be confrontational or a massive argument and most people can tell if their friends are making something up on the fly - and only once I'd had the conversation would I decide whether the friendship was over.

If you've been friends for years then you should be able to have the uncomfortable but necessary conversation of "BirthdayFriend, this is uncomfortable to have to discuss but we have been friends for X years and I would hope you would feel you can be honest with me. I saw your FB post about your party and I was really hurt not to have been invited when the rest of our group were there. The fact nobody messaged me about the event, or said anything in passing, beforehand makes me feel like I've been intentionally left out and everyone was told not to tell me about the party. If it was because of something I have done or said then I would appreciate it if you could tell me why."

The response to that would then determine whether the friendship was salvageable or not. If they had a good justification or there was a genuine reason why you weren't invited then it is something I would be hurt by but could get over; if there was no good reason or the friend was clearly bullshitting something in the hope of placating me then it would at a very minimum cool the friendship off significantly and at most end it altogether.

Pheasantplucker2 · 21/05/2023 21:07

I'd text her now and say "I saw your FB photos - party looks amazing! Bit gutted not to have been invited, have I upset you in some way?"

Then just wait and see how she responds. I am a big fan of ripping off the plaster though - I've stewed about things in the past and not dealt with them, and even if the answer isn't something I want to hear, at least I can move on once I know what the situation is.

Good luck!

Ferferksake · 21/05/2023 21:24

I'd message one of your closer friends in the group. "Hi Sarah, I didn't realise Amy was having a birthday party, I saw the photos on Facebook, it looked great, was it a surprise party?" At least that way you'll get the feel for who organised it. Then you'll know who didn't want you there.

They may even tell you that the organiser had said they'd asked you and you couldn't make it. Maybe your friend thinks this lunch is because you couldn't make the party. You'll never know unless you ask.

5128gap · 21/05/2023 21:30

Pheasantplucker2 · 21/05/2023 21:07

I'd text her now and say "I saw your FB photos - party looks amazing! Bit gutted not to have been invited, have I upset you in some way?"

Then just wait and see how she responds. I am a big fan of ripping off the plaster though - I've stewed about things in the past and not dealt with them, and even if the answer isn't something I want to hear, at least I can move on once I know what the situation is.

Good luck!

People could save themselves so much misery and misunderstanding with this approach.

zurala · 21/05/2023 21:37

This happened to me with a group of mums I'd known since our kids were babies, I saw a post on Facebook that they'd gone out for a meal together for the birthday of one of them, who I considered I was particularly close to.
Looking back I realised they had been cutting me out/letting me down for a while, so I just unfriended the whole group and just smile and nod if I bump into them.
Some of them actively ignore me (like the one whose child goes to the cub group I help at) and I just think it's their issue not mine.
It does hurt but honestly you're better off without people like that. Find people who truly appreciate you and want you spend time with you