Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be confused and hurt over no invite

253 replies

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 20/05/2023 18:19

I have been friends with a group of women since my teens. We generally stay in touch via social media / WhatsApp and meet a few times a year locally.
We are all approaching (or are over!) a big birthday this year. I opened FB this morning to find a post from one of the group thanking “all her friends for the best birthday party ever” and loads of photos of them all in her garden celebrating. Obvs I didn’t get the memo…or an invite!
Ive spoken to a few of them over the last few weeks and obviously not one of them mentioned it. Even stranger, I’m due to meet birthday girl for lunch this week and prior to today she’s been behaving completely normally.

The adult in me really just wants to forget it and focus on people in my life who actually want me there. But the inner 13 year old in my head is raging and crying over this and this apparent rejection! And I’m going over and over in my head about what I could have possibly done to be snubbed like that.

So WWYD?

  1. Forget, block and move on
  2. Meet birthday girl for lunch as planned and say nothing?
  3. Meet birthday girl and find out how your invite got so lost in the post…

Thank you!

OP posts:
BTMadmummy · 20/05/2023 21:21

Jpgflowerscollection · 20/05/2023 21:03

I think by letting go and not having the lunch you leave it Completely in the friend's court. If friend misses you or there was a mix up with the invite to the party, friend will get in touch about it. But think it's more likely you deliberately weren't invited if there has been no chat about it in the WhatsApp group or no-one messaging you to say they were sorry you couldn't make it. It's really sad when friendships end but that is part of life and their absence will.make room for others.

I think this is the best way to deal with it.

If you ask was a mistake, she is definitely going to say yes, whether it was or not.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 20/05/2023 21:23

I hope you her a good reason

Thepossibility · 20/05/2023 21:41

I wouldn't immediately jump to you being intentionally not invited by the birthday girl or that friendship group.
My family once threw me a surprise birthday party and my mum asked one of my friends to invite my friends. When the party happened I looked around to see many of my friends missing. She'd only invited who she wanted there. My male best friend wasn't invited because she'd had a fight with him!
I actually rang him from the party and asked why he wasn't there!!
I hope none of the others think I excluded them.

Blondewithredlips · 20/05/2023 21:50

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 20:27

I don’t agree. By saying nothing and acting as if it’s fine it’s likely to happen again. Why should OP pretend to be ok with it when her friends have treated her like shit? She’s not ok, she’s understandably upset.

Show quote history

This would have ended the friendship for me as I don't want to be friends with people that behave like that. Therefore I would not ask why she had done it just a dignified silence and no more contact.

Blondewithredlips · 20/05/2023 21:51

No pretending it is ok because it really is such a nasty thing to do.

Blondewithredlips · 20/05/2023 21:53

Riapia · 20/05/2023 19:57

For me it would have to be 1

My thoughts would be that it was done for a reason.
I would never be able to be comfortable in their company again, whatever the excuse they gave.

Totally agree. Nasty bitches.

Pansypotter123 · 20/05/2023 22:01

I'd be tempted to comment on the social media post? Something along the lines of, "Oh, it looks like you've had a lovely birthday," and see if that provoked a response!

Tellmeimcrazy · 20/05/2023 22:04

Unless it was a surprise - if everyone was invited it would have been on the group chat. If it was a mistake - on the day OP would have been phoned and asked "where are you?" This happened to me once years ago in my 20s. I was phoned on the day from the get together (I knew it was happening because someone mentioned they were going - I hadn't been invited so I didn't say much about it), but I said I couldn't make it as I had plans. I couldn't think of anything worse than rocking up late and last like a sad c u next Tuesday with nothing going on in my life. Luckily I did actually have plans anyway.

Lampzade · 20/05/2023 22:08

So you are good enough to spend £200 on a few nibbles, but not good enough to get an invite to the after party.
I would not be happy

Summerslimtime · 20/05/2023 22:11

I think that's another thread.

Jpgflowerscollection · 20/05/2023 22:12

Op have you been left out of any social events in the past? When I looked back there were lots of times when my friend had let me down on the day we were meant to meet up or times I had felt a strange vibe from her. I put that down to her running a big company and being busy bur there has been times before when I had got the message that the friendship was more important to me than to her.

Original poster
YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 20/05/2023 22:14

Jpgflowerscollection · 20/05/2023 22:12

Op have you been left out of any social events in the past? When I looked back there were lots of times when my friend had let me down on the day we were meant to meet up or times I had felt a strange vibe from her. I put that down to her running a big company and being busy bur there has been times before when I had got the message that the friendship was more important to me than to her.

Hi no that’s why this has surprised and saddened me so much!!!

OP posts:
Jpgflowerscollection · 20/05/2023 22:16

Op the big picture from my friend was so positive and I thought we would be life long friends but there were moments when I questioned whether the friendship was more important to me than her. The odd moment here and there.

Do you feel that you should call your friend to talk to he about it?

Weatherwax13 · 20/05/2023 22:21

Don't dismiss the possibility that someone arranged this as a surprise. Jist from my own experience: a friend organised a surprise 40th for me. I had genuinely no idea. I'd told everyone I was going for a special dinner with DH (which I did and the party had been set up in my home while we were out) .
I began to notice that 4 pretty good friends were absent and it gradually dawned on me that they hadn't been invited by the organiser for various reasons of her own.
.Didn't feel I could say anything to her as it seemed churlish after the effort she'd gone to. But I felt bloody awkward with the non invitees in the following weeks and I would've been grateful if organiser-friend had put her own preferences aside and included everyone she knew full well I would have if I'd been writing the guest list.

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 22:22

I'd have to ask. No 3. It could have been a genuine mistake. I wouldn't be going for lunch with this woman, if she'd deliberately excluded me.

Unicorn2022 · 20/05/2023 22:25

Weatherwax13 · 20/05/2023 22:21

Don't dismiss the possibility that someone arranged this as a surprise. Jist from my own experience: a friend organised a surprise 40th for me. I had genuinely no idea. I'd told everyone I was going for a special dinner with DH (which I did and the party had been set up in my home while we were out) .
I began to notice that 4 pretty good friends were absent and it gradually dawned on me that they hadn't been invited by the organiser for various reasons of her own.
.Didn't feel I could say anything to her as it seemed churlish after the effort she'd gone to. But I felt bloody awkward with the non invitees in the following weeks and I would've been grateful if organiser-friend had put her own preferences aside and included everyone she knew full well I would have if I'd been writing the guest list.

So what did you do - presumably you contacted the missing friends as soon as possible, apologised profusely and explained the situation? Not put a post on FB thanking "all your friends" for the best party?

BananaCocktails · 20/05/2023 22:27

It’s strange she would meet you but not invite you to her birthday. Are you sure that she didn’t invite u ? And
maybe she invited you, but you didn’t get the invite maybe she forgot that she didn’t invite you or maybe she was expecting you to come and expecting somebody else to invite you

BananaCocktails · 20/05/2023 22:29

I never get why people write on here without dealing with the issue. Just give her a call and say do I’m a bit upset I wasn’t invited to your birthday is everything okay? Genuine mistake she didn’t want you as a friend why she meeting you for dinner you have to look at it that way

Justalittlebitduckling · 20/05/2023 22:34

I would probably ask one of the other friends, the one I was closest with. As in, “Sorry this is a bit weird/awkward but I was a bit surprised not to be invited to Olivia’s party? Do you have any idea why I wasn’t invited when everyone else was?”

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2023 22:36

Summerfun54321 · 20/05/2023 20:48

I wouldn't even stew on it. Just a quick message saying "gutted to have missed your big birthday, think there was a mix up as I didn't get an invite". Then it's on her to fret about it and how to reply to you. There's no way I'd worry about it and gear myself up for a face to face discussion where you have to put on an act. That approach sounds horrid for you. It's so much less painless to be upfront.

This is a good message as it puts the onus on her to face her behaviour if the omission was intentional. You really have nothing to lose at this point as you feel differently about her already.

MysteryBelle · 20/05/2023 22:36

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 20/05/2023 18:44

From our particular friendship group yes, I was the only one not there. I’m honestly thinking if it was truly malicious then she’d have blocked me seeing the SM post. Which just makes the whole thing so odd!

Show quote history

Actually if it was truly malicious, she wouldn’t have blocked you seeing the FB post as it would hurt you. Which it did.

Agree that you have to ask. But in person and with no preparing her. That’s the only way you’ll see her face and get her immediate reaction.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 20/05/2023 22:37
  1. And don't let her wriggle out of answering.
MysteryBelle · 20/05/2023 22:38

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/05/2023 22:36

This is a good message as it puts the onus on her to face her behaviour if the omission was intentional. You really have nothing to lose at this point as you feel differently about her already.

Show quote history

The problem with this is the friend might just text back it was an oversight so sorry etc.

Has to be in person I think.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 20/05/2023 22:38

BananaCocktails · 20/05/2023 22:29

I never get why people write on here without dealing with the issue. Just give her a call and say do I’m a bit upset I wasn’t invited to your birthday is everything okay? Genuine mistake she didn’t want you as a friend why she meeting you for dinner you have to look at it that way

Why are you even responding if you never 'get' why people post here to get advice on dealing with an issue? I don't 'get' why posters jump in to criticise a poster for asking advice.

Jpgflowerscollection · 20/05/2023 22:47

I think if there was a group of friends on the WhatsApp group who all went to the party but I hadn't been invited that would have upset me more than if I only knew the friend. Its odd that no one on the group invited the op nor the friend who was having the party. That would be hurtful the question is whether you bother trying to find out what happened or whether you just back off a bit.