To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

Yep, I told my DH recently that it was his turn to step up and do the later pick ups. I’ve been ferrying DC around for years (admittedly only during the day) so he can do it now. On the whole he’s ok about it, occasionally I’ll do it.

My lovely dad used to come out at 2am to pick me and my friends up!

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable. Presumably your DS wasn't going to his friends late in the evening or when it was dark, so I think it's good to encourage him to get the bus try and help overcome his anxiety about it. I have a similar age DS who gets anxious about some things and I would be encouraging him to get the bus in the circumstances you describe. If it's a very long two bus trip, we might have taken him to the stop for the second bus.

I'd be really pissed off if DH wouldn't come and pick me up from somewhere at night if I couldn't get a bus or a cab home though. But he just wouldn't do that (unless he'd had alcohol).

Wow, lots of weird people on here. I'm an adult and I don't like going on buses in some areas of the city I live in when it gets dark - I think a lot of responses here are from sheltered people who never experienced the pleasure of fending off a drunkard/ nasty person/ weirdo on a bus.

But in the end of the day, OP, you DH refused to give lilt to you and your kids when he could purely because he didn't feel like it. Doesn't matter why you needed a lift; you asked for help - and from what you said, its not like you are asking him every day - and he said No even though he could have helped. I have friends and acquaintances who are more helpful and caring than this.

I also don't get this people criticizing 11yo for crying from tiredness. Like, seriously?

I think most posters are missing the point. What sort of man refuses to pick up his wife after an evening out? Is she supposed to just suck it up? He sounds a right pig. I wonder how it would be if the situation was reversed and he had been out for a drink. I bet he wouldn't be happy walking two miles home.

Your h should have come to pick you all up. What was his reason for not doing so?

I'm with your husband on this. They could walk or use the bus.

Your husband is very selfish. If he thinks his son needs to learn to get the bus on his own, why wouldn't he go with him and talk to him properly about problems that might arise?

How far in advance was he asked to the lifts?

Had he agreed and then said no. Or had you assumed?

What was he doing at the time the lifts were required?

Your dh is BU not to do his fair share of lift giving, if they’re planned in advance. He’s not BU to not swoop in and rescue you from bad planning. We live in a village with a minimal bus service, I have and continue to give plenty of lifts but they need to be requested and planned in advance.

I am 15 50, and don't like public transport either. Will you be my mum and drive me around please?

At 15, the real world is approaching and your son will need to be able to deal with it sooner or later unless you plan on molly coddling him until he is my age.

When I was a teen my parents would NEVER give me a lift anywhere. As a result I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations that I only recognise now I'm an adult. I wouldn't ever let my daughters travel alone at night if they didn't feel comfortable. My husband would always pick me and OUR children up if I needed him, and if he isn't able to/cba he will send a taxi. Having said that, I do always plan my way there/home if I'm not able to drive for whatever reason, would only ask for his help if I couldn't facilitate it myself.

Jesus, some of the comments on here.

My DS has anxiety - however that doesn’t mean we dont try and push him a bit. He went to London on his own with a couple of mates in the day & travelled on the tube etc. He’s just anxious about buses in the evenings at the moment. He’ll get there but in the meantime I want him to feel safe. What good is undermining him as he builds his confidence at his own pace. He’s a shy quiet kid.

And my DD is only just 11, tired from school & activities. Jesus. There are days when I don’t want to walk 2 miles home as I am too fucking knackered.

I still think my DP was a prick last night frankly.

Next time OP if dh wants a pick up from a work do, boozy night you know what to do.

OP,

Of course YANBU.

I think your partner sounds really awful and very selfish person.

We certainly would be dropping a 15 year old.

Is there a reason you are still with this loser?

@billy1966 good question that I am asking myself this morning to be honest….

So you haven’t come here for opinions or to try and see his side of things, you’ve came to slag him off.
Lovely.

There's also a difference between in one situation he didn't pick you up.

And.

He never ever does anything for you or put you and the children first.

This particular scenario could be either.

Only you know what he's like the rest of the time

You still haven't answered how this was arranged. Did your 15 year old arrange it with him ahead of time? Did your husband agree to it and then go back on his word? What had your 15 year old organized to get home? I think feeling entitled to snap your fingers and dad needs to jump up and be a chauffeur is not the role of a parent. Giving kids rids - yes but the kids need to learn to ask and have a conversation first. Your 15 year old shouldn't have expected he could just go out and then call his dad and demand to be picked up.

You’re getting some real stick on here, OP. (Some actually made me laugh — like how DARE you have a drink when you’re out with your 11-y-o…) I think it’s fair enough to expect your DH to help with ferrying the kids around — it’s part of being a parent and they’re his kids too — but I wonder if it’s worth discussing it with him at a time when you’re both at home (rather than when you’re out and call him for a lift). Perhaps he doesn’t fully understand your DS’s anxiety, for example?
FWIW, though, if I was out and knackered, with or without kids, and asked my DH for a lift, he’d definitely agree (unless he had plans or had had a drink). And I’d do the same for him.

@Daffodil92 isn’t that what mumsnet is for? To complain, to vent, to discuss etc? I am angry today with DP and I think he was unreasonable but I take on board some of the comments on here.

But not the sneery unpleasant comments like yours.

@Freefall212 but actually why couldn’t my 15 year old ask for help if he needed it. I don’t want him to think that we’ll abandon him when he’s anxious. I want him to feel that if it was 3am and he was in trouble, we’d be there for him. As his parents. I want him to feel he has a safety net to make mistakes or if he feels uncomfortable- because that’s what parents do.

I mean, you asked if you were unreasonable, different to using it as a sounding board.
Also please point out where I was sneery or unpleasant?

@Daffodil92 the lovely comment you put at the end of your post. Sneery as fuck.

There's a difference between an unforeseen issue at 3am and a pre-arranged sleepover. I'd expect to be asked about a lift when the sleepover was arranged. I appreciate about the anxiety but at the same time, taking a little bit of responsibility to pre-arrange a lift with your parents when you know it will cause you an issue isn't unreasonable.

Don't waste your time explaining the situation over and over, OP; some people here are very rigid in their opinions and will continue saying you are wrong and justify your husband's behaviour no matter what you say.

I also find it very distasteful how a lot people here criticizing 11yo being tired, crying, and 15yo being uncomfortable going on a bus. You don't know these kids, don't know their situation, don't know where they live. Some 11yo could be very independent and mature, and I know 17yo who are very childish, shy and insecure. All kids are different, they grow up at a different rate.

Parents are supposed to help kids as much as they can; partners should help and support each other. Its completely normal to rely on your partner in a critical situation, even if its a minor one like having to walk home for a long time in the dark/ bad weather.

If this was a one off, for example, if father normally does his share and one night he could not - its one thing. But it seems like he never helps, so I would say its a dickish behaviour. You need to talk to him about it, OP - maybe you were sheltering him from responsibility too much by doing everything yourself.