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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

388 replies

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 19/05/2023 22:21

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 20/05/2023 10:44

People are being sneery. It's absolutely not unreasonable to expect a partner to help you when asked. And 15 is very much still a child, not 'nearly old enough to join the armed forces' as one delightful poster claimed. Each year in a teenager's life makes a huge difference to their development - it's not like the difference between being 32 and 34! Some of you are being deliberately disingenuous.

Even if a term had no anxiety, it's not always a good idea for them to be on public transport at night. There are plenty of adults who would avoid it if possible.

I'm wondering what the point of this man is, if he'd let his children and partner be uncomfortable or scared, when he could easily help them.

OP, you deserve a nicer partner snd your kids deserve better too.

Retire50 · 20/05/2023 10:47

My son has had access to Uber since he was 12. Can you set your son and daughter up with Uber? It’s really handy and they are never stuck anywhere if they miss a bus or train as they just Uber now.

Bubblyb00b · 20/05/2023 10:50

@Retire50 wow, are you not worried about them using Uber? I mean, cool - but it has a bit of a reputation for the lack of safety and accountability?

Hobbi · 20/05/2023 10:51

ImAvingOops · 20/05/2023 10:44

People are being sneery. It's absolutely not unreasonable to expect a partner to help you when asked. And 15 is very much still a child, not 'nearly old enough to join the armed forces' as one delightful poster claimed. Each year in a teenager's life makes a huge difference to their development - it's not like the difference between being 32 and 34! Some of you are being deliberately disingenuous.

Even if a term had no anxiety, it's not always a good idea for them to be on public transport at night. There are plenty of adults who would avoid it if possible.

I'm wondering what the point of this man is, if he'd let his children and partner be uncomfortable or scared, when he could easily help them.

OP, you deserve a nicer partner snd your kids deserve better too.

You can be a regular soldier at 16. Thank you, I am delightful.

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 10:57

VestaTilley · 20/05/2023 09:30

YANBU. It’s a big part of modern parenting and keeping kids safe.

Yes, when they’re old enough they should give plenty of notice and ask you politely, and no it can’t be every day, but a parent should surely be glad their DC have friends and are socialising appropriately.

What a very mean attitude.

Modern parenting is a worry if it’s telling 15 year olds that getting a bus in broad daylight is dangerous, we shouldn’t be teaching kids that using public transport is inherently something they need to be kept ‘safe’ from, Jesus wept.

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 10:59

Bubblyb00b · 20/05/2023 10:50

@Retire50 wow, are you not worried about them using Uber? I mean, cool - but it has a bit of a reputation for the lack of safety and accountability?

Is there anything that people aren’t scared of? For the love of god, let’s all never leave our homes.

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 11:06

@Hobbi yea cos the army is such a brilliant responsible choice for a 16 year old isn’t it…

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 20/05/2023 11:06

But the op and 11 year old could get a bus home. Coffee nearby (this being a busy town centre) then back to bus stop. Most people would do that over walking 2 miles /50 mins.

And 15 year old -why doesn't he just travel earlier and avoid the dark travel?

Freefall212 · 20/05/2023 11:08

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 10:32

@Freefall212 but actually why couldn’t my 15 year old ask for help if he needed it. I don’t want him to think that we’ll abandon him when he’s anxious. I want him to feel that if it was 3am and he was in trouble, we’d be there for him. As his parents. I want him to feel he has a safety net to make mistakes or if he feels uncomfortable- because that’s what parents do.

What was his plan to get home? He knew he was going to a friend's house. What had he arranged to get home? This wasn't a 3 am crisis. This was a planned visit to a friend's house.

Do you have anxiety as well? I can see you are very protective of your 15 year old but also protective of his anxiety as well. You and your DH may just have different views on how much to enable the anxiety through allowing avoidance and through reassurance and through rescue vs ensuring he is using the right coping skills to deal with it and manage it and take ownership of it.

ImAvingOops · 20/05/2023 11:08

@Hobbi a 16 year old can't vote or drive or drink or even join the armed forces without parental consent. And they can't (rightfully) be on the frontline. That's not okay and not an argument for OP forcing her child into a situation they aren't ready for.

Emeraldrings · 20/05/2023 11:09

Tbh your children sound quite spoilt and someone, either you or DP has taught them crying is a good way to get what you want. Except this time it didn't work. No one forced your DS to go for a sleepover. He could have got an early bus to his friends so obviously wasn't that worried about going.
Your 11 year old crying because they walked 2 miles?! It's not very far. DD2 walks 1.5 miles every day to school and then the same back. If you knew they were that tired leave them at home or wait 30 minutes for the bus.

Hobbi · 20/05/2023 11:12

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 11:06

@Hobbi yea cos the army is such a brilliant responsible choice for a 16 year old isn’t it…

Why not? Or is that sort of thing only for poor kids?

Bubblyb00b · 20/05/2023 11:12

Hilarious. its all turning into a Four Yorkshireman sketch but for children.

Hobbi · 20/05/2023 11:13

ImAvingOops · 20/05/2023 11:08

@Hobbi a 16 year old can't vote or drive or drink or even join the armed forces without parental consent. And they can't (rightfully) be on the frontline. That's not okay and not an argument for OP forcing her child into a situation they aren't ready for.

It's an argument for suggesting public transport is inherently unsafe for 15 year olds is ludicrous.

Beezknees · 20/05/2023 11:13

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 10:59

Is there anything that people aren’t scared of? For the love of god, let’s all never leave our homes.

Show quote history

This.

How are these kids ever going to cope when they go to university and can't get on a bus. How will parents cope of the fear of their kids being stabbed at night when they're at uni going out clubbing and getting pissed?

billy1966 · 20/05/2023 11:14

Have a good think because what you have described is not normal behaviour.

It's night time and perfectly reasonable to drop a child rather than taking two buses, even more so if they are anxious.

Mine aren't anxious and there is no way they wouldn't be driven.

The idea that he cares so little about his anxious child and that he also wouldn't collect you both is so far from what would be normal.

I have never heard of such behaviour in a partner and a father.

How you can look at him today must be difficult.

YANBU and you are not with a good man.

Think long and hard about your future.

I would be so gutted that my childrens father was suchba spectacularly selfish loser.

Don't let them continue to think one of their parents cares so little for them.

I would wonder about your son's anxiety.

Is having such a loser for a father a factor?

How does family life work when one parent does everything and the other couldn't care less about being a basic decent parent.

Your children will 100% be aware of the dynamic in your home, make no mistake about that.

You all deserve so much better.

Mind yourself OP, it must be hard waking up and realising quite what a waster you share your life, home, and children with.

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 11:19

@Hobbi my brother was in the army and was recruited at 17. He looks back on it now with horror at the tactics used to recruit young men

OP posts:
TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 20/05/2023 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Silvergoldandglitter · 20/05/2023 11:28

Op what were the plans made for your 15 yo to get to his sleepover. He must have made transport plans at the same time he arranged to go to the sleepover. What were those plans?

RightOnTheEdge · 20/05/2023 11:32

I grew up in Leeds and went all over on the bus and train as a teenager.
As an adult if I was staying at my parents and out on a Friday night, my dad would still insist on coming to pick me up in the car and getting me home safely.
It's just a normal caring thing for a parent to do!

We don't have a car, so my kids have to do a lot of walking and it's just tough luck.
I do think both kids being in tears is a bit dramatic! but as usual a lot of posters on MN seem to enjoy a pile on and being overly nasty for no reason.

Hobbi · 20/05/2023 11:32

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 11:19

@Hobbi my brother was in the army and was recruited at 17. He looks back on it now with horror at the tactics used to recruit young men

Not really relevant. My point was that if many human beings join the army at 16, the ones that don't shouldn't really cry if they have to use a bus in daylight. At what age are you planning to let him know that this is extraordinarily unusual?

Bubblyb00b · 20/05/2023 11:34

@Beezknees these are 11 and 15yo, as far as I know kids do not go to Uni until 18. Also, 18yo students are not just dropped into it, they still have some support - at least, in a normal situation where they have someone who cares about them.

As I said before - all kids are different. In some Traveller communities they get married at 16 and have kids themselves. Maybe some kids somewhere join the army at 16. But its hardly the norm.

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 11:34

@Hobbi you clearly have never had a kid that has anxiety. There is nothing unusual or wrong about showing emotions at 15 - I’m glad he feels he can & doesn’t succumb to a culture of toxic masculinity. Your answers are showing your own weird beliefs up a lot more than mine are.

OP posts:
Hobbi · 20/05/2023 11:35

RightOnTheEdge · 20/05/2023 11:32

I grew up in Leeds and went all over on the bus and train as a teenager.
As an adult if I was staying at my parents and out on a Friday night, my dad would still insist on coming to pick me up in the car and getting me home safely.
It's just a normal caring thing for a parent to do!

We don't have a car, so my kids have to do a lot of walking and it's just tough luck.
I do think both kids being in tears is a bit dramatic! but as usual a lot of posters on MN seem to enjoy a pile on and being overly nasty for no reason.

The boy wasn't complaining about being picked up at the end of a night - me and DH do that for our grown up DCs, also in Leeds incidentally. The OP said he cried because he had to get the bus to his friends, presumably not late at night.

Original poster
Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 20/05/2023 11:37

@Hobbi The OP said he cried because he had to get the bus to his friends, presumably not late at night

No, what I said was he cried because he had anxiety. Stop twisting it for you own means

OP posts: