Page 8 | To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 2023-05-19T21:21:04+00:00

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city. I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick. its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 09:06

Dibbydoos · 20/05/2023 07:56

Your DH is being a DickH.

Is he a drinker?

Seriously if I could drop my kids off, I'd drive them versus expecting them to get a bus - both neurodiverse.

I take it you don't drive, so learn. Honestly you won't know what freedom is until you do.

Learn in an automatic, they aren't much more expensive than manuals, the future is autos and theyre easier to drive - allegedly safer too as theyre involved in fewer accidents by %!

Did you even read any of the OPs posts….?

Changingplace · 20/05/2023 09:08

Ladykryptonite · 20/05/2023 07:59

Your dh is massively unhelpful but could 15 year old get an uber account for times like this

I may be jumping to conclusions here but is a 15 year old who bursts into tears rather than get a bus likely to have a job to pay for Ubers?

IncessantNameChanger · 20/05/2023 09:10

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/05/2023 08:11

Ok, after the first few dozen replies I'm just reading the op's because they're fucking batshit.

Yes op, your Dh is a dick and he has a responsibility to share the driving. He is a selfish arse to not be willing to do it and quite frankly if this is the line he is drawing in the sand the. I would be doing similar and not putting myself out even one iota for him.

Yes the replies are batshit. You couldn't get a taxi home so dh is doing you and dc a massive favour but enabling you to become resilient. Like the dhs that don't help around the house or with housework. It builds resilience into a wife and mother to not rely on a dh.

If its a 5 minute drive he is being lazy, if its a 30 minute drive then he is happy for you yo walk for hours.

If its a city like Portsmouth then lots do own cars and navigate it in a car fine. If it's London I have seen kids late primary age doing illegal things at 9pm on a bus. It's not beyound reason you would feel uncomfortable watching crime as a adult so the same for a child witnessing crime?

But this a mn so yabu but if your dh was building your dc and your dc resilience while at the pub it would be ltb. But if it was for TV your the one bu.

He was selfish, you was resentful. Irl your friends would agree with your pov, But this mn, go figure

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 20/05/2023 09:16

Minniem2020 · 20/05/2023 03:32

To those that have said the best way to get over anxiety is to just do it, I used to agree with this. However, having a DD with anxiety has changed my opinion.
DD was made to participate in something at school last week that had her anxiety through the roof, resulting in a panic attack and 2 days off school afterwards.
Buses are a massive issue for her even through the day so I'm with you op, I'd be giving them a lift.
I'm undecided about your daughter being too tired to walk but regardless, if my DP and child couldn't get a taxi I'd go and collect them, surely it's just a considerate thing to do for someone.

Absolutely
Thats a cruel way to deal with anxiety
Mine would be sick, shake all over, elevated heart rate, loose the ability to speak. Anxiety isn’t about

not liking something
its not a matter of he’s not old enough then is he
they are not going to get over it

Its upsetting reading all these comments from MN. If they had a child with anxiety, ( not just one that worries a bit) then they wouldn’t make such suggestions. I hope OP you have had a chance for a family chat about family commitment. Hopefully with both your children and dh present.

CantFindTheBeat · 20/05/2023 09:19

Your DH has very different values to you, OP. Does he put your children first in other things? At least they have you.

My parents would never pick up or take me anywhere. I even remember having to walk home from a friend's birthday party when I was 8.

It made me an anxious and fretful child.
I learned never to rely on them to support and help me.

Suffice to say, I'm the opposite with my own kids.

Anonymouseposter · 20/05/2023 09:21

I think there’s room for compromise here. Your husband sounds selfish. A 15 year old boy on his own on a bus at night could be a target for bullying. I think you and your husband could share out giving lifts. He sounds mean not picking you up from a short distance away but sometimes you could walk. Is this because he wants to drink in the house?

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 20/05/2023 09:22

This thread explains a lot about how kids and teens are today. All this nonsense about being anxious so can't take a bus, honestly, more you do it the easier it gets! From the last year primary school I got about mostly myself, unless it was the dead of night I walked or got the bus, whatever the weather or whether I was tired. I'd ask for a lift and my dad would say "you've got legs" or "if you stand outside there's a big white thing goes past, get on it!". I probably wasn't keen on getting a bus aged 10 I'd worry I was on the wrong bus but it taught me independence and I was never fat, in fact it has meant I have always been very active, a 2 mile walk to school and back as much as I moaned I look back and think well it was good for me. I'm sure if I learnt a lift was on offer if I cried I was tired or had parents who gave in I'd have played up too. A 15 year old should be building up their independence and resilience, if they go to uni they could be moving to another part of the country in 3 years time, if the can't afford to run a car they will be getting around by foot, bike ir public transport.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/05/2023 09:27

Just sounds like miscommunication.

Did your husband know that he was supposed to pick you up from the station and then refused to do so. Had it been arranged in advance?

Did the son check that he could get a lift before agreeing to a sleepover? What time was he going to the sleepover if it was too late to get a bus?

It's daylight until about 9 now in the UK.

You need to communicate better as a family.

Naunet · 20/05/2023 09:28

You couldn't get a taxi home so dh is doing you and dc a massive favour but enabling you to become resilient. Like the dhs that don't help around the house or with housework. It builds resilience into a wife and mother to not rely on a dh

What the actual fuck is this misogynistic bull? I was raised already by my parents thanks, my partner is meant to be just that, a fucking partner, not my father. Resilience my fucking arse, resilience doesn’t mean being a doormat skivvy for Mr Big DH.

Can you explain why it’s ok for men to rely on their partners and they don’t need to learn your twisted idea of what resilience is, by cleaning their own home and doing their share of childcare?

VestaTilley · 20/05/2023 09:30

YANBU. It’s a big part of modern parenting and keeping kids safe.

Yes, when they’re old enough they should give plenty of notice and ask you politely, and no it can’t be every day, but a parent should surely be glad their DC have friends and are socialising appropriately.

What a very mean attitude.

Naunet · 20/05/2023 09:31

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 20/05/2023 09:22

This thread explains a lot about how kids and teens are today. All this nonsense about being anxious so can't take a bus, honestly, more you do it the easier it gets! From the last year primary school I got about mostly myself, unless it was the dead of night I walked or got the bus, whatever the weather or whether I was tired. I'd ask for a lift and my dad would say "you've got legs" or "if you stand outside there's a big white thing goes past, get on it!". I probably wasn't keen on getting a bus aged 10 I'd worry I was on the wrong bus but it taught me independence and I was never fat, in fact it has meant I have always been very active, a 2 mile walk to school and back as much as I moaned I look back and think well it was good for me. I'm sure if I learnt a lift was on offer if I cried I was tired or had parents who gave in I'd have played up too. A 15 year old should be building up their independence and resilience, if they go to uni they could be moving to another part of the country in 3 years time, if the can't afford to run a car they will be getting around by foot, bike ir public transport.

Absolutely agree, being a bit anxious just means he needs to be pushed to do it more. I was living alone, working full time and getting myself about by 16, which yes I know is exceptionally young, but even my peers still living at home were pretty independent and street wise by 16.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 20/05/2023 09:40

Naunet · 20/05/2023 09:28

You couldn't get a taxi home so dh is doing you and dc a massive favour but enabling you to become resilient. Like the dhs that don't help around the house or with housework. It builds resilience into a wife and mother to not rely on a dh

What the actual fuck is this misogynistic bull? I was raised already by my parents thanks, my partner is meant to be just that, a fucking partner, not my father. Resilience my fucking arse, resilience doesn’t mean being a doormat skivvy for Mr Big DH.

Can you explain why it’s ok for men to rely on their partners and they don’t need to learn your twisted idea of what resilience is, by cleaning their own home and doing their share of childcare?

Well said @Naunet this whole thread is full of the weirdest comments.

Maebh9 · 20/05/2023 09:40

I think this thread sums up why so many young people are so annoying (and overweight).

BreathesOutSlowly · 20/05/2023 09:41

I don't think it is his job to ferry secondary school kids around if there is a decent public transport system. If they are old enough to be out alone with their friends then they are old enough to travel on the bus.

Also 2 miles walking isn't really that far. It's better for health and the environment.

Seeline · 20/05/2023 09:41

In this day and age do people really not appreciate the difference between being a bit unsure about doing something and having anxiety?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 20/05/2023 09:43

I understand that using buses at night is different from daytime, but the evenings are light now, and assuming that the 15yr old isn't going to his mate's house for 10pm (I'd expect to be getting to a sleepover either at teatime or not lon after, so early evening) , and that you don't live in a part of a city where violence etc is rife, then I don't think it's unreasonable for a 15 yr old with no additional needs to be expected to get the bus.

If you live in a city that has evening buses, then why didn't you get a bus with your 11 year old?

I'm not sure if there is additional information, but on the face of it, you have some unreasonable expectations.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 09:44

A certain amount of ferrying is absolutely part of a parents job. But I certainly expect a bit of courtesy, a bit of notice and an attempt at independence.
I totally agree with this.

LadyGAgain · 20/05/2023 09:46

BrutusMcDogface · 19/05/2023 22:31

You were out with your 11 year old and you were drinking? What?

Only on MN. Don't be so sanctimonious.

NameChangeSorryNotSorry · 20/05/2023 09:47

Daffodil92 · 19/05/2023 22:27

YABU. A 15 year old living in a city with presumably decent public transport is more than capable. Learning to get around is a life skill-you are babying them.
And an 11 year old crying because they’re too tired to walk is silly.

Sorry I agree with this. Part of the reason we live in a city is to avoid ferrying teens around constantly. I’d rather they got used to using public transport and cycling everywhere than rely on cars all the time.

LadyGAgain · 20/05/2023 09:48

Your husband is an arsehole.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/05/2023 09:48

It's all about communication and planning.

E.g. conversationa coupleofdays in advance. "we're going out after school to an exhibition and taking the train. Will you be OK to pick us up from the station about 7?"

Versus

In the middle of work or doing something else. " you need to pick us up from the station now"

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/05/2023 09:49

Daffodil92 · 19/05/2023 22:27

YABU. A 15 year old living in a city with presumably decent public transport is more than capable. Learning to get around is a life skill-you are babying them.
And an 11 year old crying because they’re too tired to walk is silly.

Totally agree with this.

Hobbi · 20/05/2023 09:50

I'm getting Catherine Tate middle class parent vibes here. One child is old enough to enjoy an evening at the gallery but can't walk home, the other is nearly old enough to be in the armed forces but won't get a bus to his friends? When do you expect them to grow up?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 20/05/2023 09:50

Your dh is a dick, yes he should come and get you if you've asked him to.

He just doesn't care about you or the kids 🤷‍♀️

I have a teen dd and if she rang me and wanted picking up, especially at night, I'd go and get her.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/05/2023 09:51

BrutusMcDogface · 19/05/2023 22:31

You were out with your 11 year old and you were drinking? What?

Oh for god's sake. She wasn't sitting on the pavement with a bottle of cider. Can't you imagine a situation where a woman might have a glass of wine in the evening when her child is there?