To think my DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s his job to ferry our kids abojt

[Lifeswhatyoumakeit73]

We have 2 kids (11 & 15) and live in a city. DP just refuses lifts, refuses to ferry the kids about. I do most of the driving. DS 15 is on a sleepover tonight & I have been out with DD 11. DP refused to drive DS to his mates- DS was in tears as he hates going on the bus alone. Then DD 11 was in tears as she was too tired to walk home & we couldn’t get a taxi- DP refused to come & get us so we had to walk through the city.

I feel like he needs to wise up to the fact that at night it’s his job as a parent to make sure his kids are safe & to pick them up/ferry them about. It’s what I do but I had been drinking tonight so couldn’t. I am so pissed off- he behaves like a dick.

its our job to make sure the kids are safe ffs! aibu?

Your DH is being a DickH.

Is he a drinker?

Seriously if I could drop my kids off, I'd drive them versus expecting them to get a bus - both neurodiverse.

I take it you don't drive, so learn. Honestly you won't know what freedom is until you do.

Learn in an automatic, they aren't much more expensive than manuals, the future is autos and theyre easier to drive - allegedly safer too as theyre involved in fewer accidents by %!

Your dh is massively unhelpful but could 15 year old get an uber account for times like this

I'm on the fence because giving children lifts is part of being a parents, but it also sounds like you and DC have taken a lend and made a bunch of plans based on your DH spending the evening ferrying people around and being on call.

I'd be a bit irritated if I was expected to come out and pick DH and DC up because DC was crying at having to walk and DH didn't want to make use of city centre transport and taxi options.

Ok, after the first few dozen replies I'm just reading the op's because they're fucking batshit.

Yes op, your Dh is a dick and he has a responsibility to share the driving. He is a selfish arse to not be willing to do it and quite frankly if this is the line he is drawing in the sand the. I would be doing similar and not putting myself out even one iota for him.

DS (16) has to get the bus unless we have to go out for shopping or to run another errand at same time. I just think that at this age they need to gain independence and understand that you won't be a taxi driver on demand. It teaches them resilience. They can't always get their own way.

I think this is one of those ones where I would live to know the other side.

on the face of it, he sounds like a dick. And yes, an amount of ferrying around is a parents job.

However, since sunset isn’t until around 9pm I would be asking my older child why they were waiting until night time (or even evening say around 7pm) to travel to a friends for a sleep over. I probably would have ended up taking her. But I would have also pointed out the importance of her making travel arrangements that suit her. So if she got anxious on a night on buses arrange to go earlier.

I also would expect notice. So when she was making plans I would expect to be asked then.

This is one of those where I agree with op, to a point. But I also think there’s tons of situations where it’s also ok to not do it. Last minute requests when they knew in advance, them assuming I will always be free to take them at a few minutes notice, last minute changes of plan because they just don’t want to get themselves there etc.

Love to know the other side. Not live to know. Not that desperate to know 😂

YANBU. Me and DP ferry the kids everywhere to make sure they are safe and also to encourage them to have a social life (something we are not great at). I love to see them enjoying themselves.i will pick them up now- even though they are in their 20s and can drive.

Can you become the driver, but he picks up something else - eg all cooking or all shopping or cleaning? Divide the jobs up differently if possible if there is o e he won't do. He sounds an arse though!

If it's that unsafe to get public transport then surely it's not safe for your kids to be out at all, stabbings occur in daytime and not only on public transport. It's not particularly nice where I live, but unless you stay inside your house all the time you have to just get on with life.

This.

A certain amount of ferrying is absolutely part of a parents job. But I certainly expect a bit of courtesy, a bit of notice and an attempt at independence.

Was about to say the same thing.

YANBU

My 14yo is happy to walk an hour each way to meet pals, but after about 8 or 9 on a Friday or Saturday I would rather he didn't, nor get the bus. Pissed up people are heading out for the night and intimidating behaviour can escalate quickly, even if he's just a witness to it, it's alarming.

But they get stabbed in broad daylight too. Are you saying your teenagers don’t get themselves home from school or go outside unaccompanied at all?

I do think the DP should be accommodating lifts, to a point.

But I don’t get this thinking tbh. Because following this thinking that ‘teenagers get stabbed’ would mean no teenagers in any city would be allowed out at all. At anytime of the day

Not randomly though. Very few knife attacks are random.

I’m with you OP. He’s a selfish bugger who should want to help and look after his family.

I do almost all of the driving DC with learning disabilities to his college everyday and his sports every evening. Dh does the cleaning which I hate doing so all good. DH would do the driving if I was ill though.

Just to mention my brother in law used to drive London buses but got assaulted three times resulting in a black eye and broken ribs, and once a person on drugs pulled a knife on him. Late at night I'd not want to be on a bus because you never know who will get on.

What was the situation with the 15 yr old? Were the travel arrangements sorted before today? Or did he just announce at some point in the evening "I need driving now". He should have considered the travel before, and asked if he could have a lift, or got an earlier bus. Yes parents do have to do an amount of ferrying around but that doesn't mean always being at their beck and call if they don't ask until the last minute.

I live in a reasonably decent part of South London, but to get anywhere on public transport you have to travel into the really not nice area to get out again.
Two stabbings occured at about 4 pm in two town centre locations the other week. Kids are mugged getting on the bus back from school - teachers actually staff the bus stops outside school to protect the students.
My DCs have been using trains/buses for school since they were 10, and for local trips during the day. If it's after about 7pm, if I can give them a lift, I will. It just isn't safe. DH will also always give lifts to the DC and me. They are both young adults now and can get ubers now too.

OP was your DHs behaviour a one-off or is he always like this?

Personally I wouldn’t have had a drink if I were out alone with my child. I’d have driven, knowing that DH wouldn’t pick us up.
My DH wouldn’t drive DD around if she could get lifts / taxis when she was 15, primarily because he doesn’t drive in the dark anyway. He also hates driving in the city.

There have been several random knife attacks near us lately - muggings etc. One just randomly stabbed for no reason at all.

It's a bit hard to say.

I do give my dd a lot of lifts, and I'm happy to do so, but she is also perfectly capable of getting herself around. DH doesn't drive, so all of the lifts fall to me.

Maybe your DH is a selfish, lazy git who is unwilling to fulfil basic parenting duties. Or maybe he thinks you baby the kids too much and it does them good to have to get themselves places sometimes.

Unless there are SEN involved that you haven't mentioned, I would be quite concerned about a 15 year old boy who couldn't get the bus by himself in the early evening. (You said sleepover, so clearly there was no need for him to make his own way home later.) Is he getting help for his anxiety? It sounds quite limiting.

Re your dd, how far did she have to walk?

I hate ferrying my kids around. We live in a village with very little public transport so it's often necessary but I'd probably refuse in your examples. 2 miles is not far at all and if your son doesn't like traveling on the bus after dark he should leave earlier. The sunset yesterday at around 8.50, why was he leaving so late?

We spend a great deal of time ferrying our kids around but they also need to develop some independence as they get older. I do think a 15 year old should be able to get the bus.
When I was 15 I travelled all 9ver the place on public transport, including to and around London. I wouldn't have been sobbing at the thought of a bus journey.

If I asked my husband for help and he was sitting at home and said no, that would be the end of things for me. Reading this thread is an illustration in how so many women end up doing all the parenting and living in shit relationships.