to ask who is in the wrong here?

[bringincrazyback]

Perspectives on a row DH and I just had would be appreciated. I'm beyond frustrated at this point.

Context is housework that needs doing before a few days away. (Further context: DH's mother is a dyed-in-the-wool traditionalist who never taught any of her sons how to do housework, because their wives would do all that kind of thing.)

DH never takes the initiative with anything housework-wise, literally doesn't seem to know how to do certain things, and unless directly asked by me, does none apart from doing the bins, a bit of cooking and washing up. No actual cleaning unless asked a million times. Arguments over housework, and the need to do more of it, are frequent because he doesn't care what state the house is in and thinks I should stop being uptight and do next to no housework. Not happening. (For info, I have ME and various pain issues which mean I have to pace myself carefully where things like housework are concerned.)

Earlier this evening:
Me: Will you have time to give me a hand with the housework over the next couple of evenings?
DH: Yes, of course, just text me a list. (I always get this 'text me a list' business, even when I tell him verbally what needs doing. He seems incapable of seeing for himself what needs doing.)
Me: Well, W, X, Y and Z need doing. I don't like texting a list, it makes me feel like I'm issuing orders.
DH while I've been telling him what needs doing: several repetitions of 'yeah, yeah,' which usually means (and I think this time is no exception) that he isn't listening.

So I get cracking, do as much as I am able, but not the stuff I'd already asked him to do, stupidly thinking he'll come and do it as he appeared to have agrred to do.
DH spends the whole evening in his man cave.

Conversation at bedtime:
Me: You will be able to help with the housework tomorrow, right?
DH: You didn't text me a list.
Me: No, but I told you what needed doing.
DH: That's not my recollection. I said to text me a list.
Me: I didn't need to, I told you what needed doing.

A bit more verbal ping-pong and he's claiming he's 'always' cleaning the kitchen worktop and the area where the cats' bowls are. By 'cleaning' it transpires he means sweeping his hand over the surfaces, catching bits and binning them. Possibly passing a damp cloth over them at most.

Me: You need to use the anti-bacterial spray as well.
DH: (makes a contemptuous noise) No one needs to use anti-bacterial spray unless they're Michael Jackson.
(There's a whole list of things normal sensible people do, which he deems unnecessary and neurotic, apparently this is one of them... a few years back he sneered at me for saying toilets needed cleaning under the rim and said didn't I know how gravity works?)

A bit of further quarrelling and he huffs out of bed and stomps to the spare room with the words, 'I'm an adult, I make my own decisions.'

AIBU for expecting him (as an adult, as he's so at pains to tell me) to use a bit more initiative, to not just weasel out of keeping promises on a technicality, and... to actually listen to me?

The bottom line is that he thinks of this as helping you rather than doing his fair share. He will likely never change.

You shouldn't have to do any of the thinking for him. However, to give him the benefit of the doubt, it seems you need to sit down and list out the chores that you both agree need to be done (and to what level). He needs to be doing 75% of everything on that list because you have health problems. Then make another list of things that you think also need to be done (your bare minimum). He needs to be doing at least 25% of that list because married people support each other and he should want to help maintain a living environment that makes you comfortable.

You are both unreasonable and not unreasonable. Yes, your husband should just get on and do the housework and not have to ask what to do. But given that you are unwell and getting the housework done is important and he should be pulling his weight, could you not just text him one list and say 'these things need doing every Saturday'. Maybe stick a reminder on the family calendar if you have one. Then you don't need to keep on asking.

And anti-bac spray is totally unnecessary. A bit of washing up liquid or something and a damp cloth will be perfectly adequate.

I have tried doing this by sitting down with offending parties (DH, teens ) and saying we'll create a list together of all the jobs that need doing daily/weekly/ less often and then work out who is going to do what.
It's not foolproof but it does mean they get to see how much work there actually is.
We've had interesting discussions on who gets to decide how often a particular task needs doing, and exactly what is meant by " hoover the hall " - is that just the carpet or does it include removing the dust from skirting board and keeping light fittings free of cobwebs?
I've found I do still do the bulk of it but at least they are more appreciative and obliging when asked to participate.
You do need a discussion about what the task entails, just for the avoidance of doubt , and it may be that you eventually agree that sweeping the crumbs off and a quick wipe over is ok day to day but the every so often, it needs to be done with bleach or whatever.
I completely agree that it should not be your job to organise all this, and if your relationship is in its early years, you need to get this sorted now, otherwise there will be years of resentment.
If DH is working from a list you have created together you might both feel better about it.
It's like creating classroom rules, the idea being that every one has a hand in creating them , they are for everyone's benefit, and crucially, everyone agreed to them, so no grounds for complaining later.

Text him a list. Make it longer than the original list. If he wasn’t listening he won’t remember. If he was listening he will protest and then you’ve got proof he didn’t need the list.