I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

[Bigwig1]

I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

Totally agree with those recommending distance. Your father is a bully with explosive anger problems. Your mother is his enabler and apologist. Not speaking up when he poked and swore at you makes her a part of the problem.

Please keep yourself and your DS safe from them. Take a nice long break from them.

because this is in AIBU- some just come here to sniff out any detail they can use to weaponise their YABU response and attack.

Op has had some very sympathetic and insightful comments too it has to be said.

True on all counts. 💐

I'd be removing myself and my child from the pair of them, your dad sounds like a bully and your mum absolutely enables his behaviour.

Not poking no, but shouting about what idiots we were when we had accidents and how we might have to have our legs amputated because we'd get gangrene from a cut knee having fallen off our bikes. Shouting and swearing etc. The atmosphere would last for days.

You need to protect your son from this man. Awful that he had to experience this after falling down the stairs. Don't let him damage your son and never leave him alone with your dad even if your mum is there.

Your father either has some mental decline going on or is completely selfish (even though he did your garden). Everything must be done according to his own whim, wish and timing. Also he lacks self control as seen in the falling down the stairs incident. He had to express HIS emotion at that event, that's all that matter to him - never mind the child that had fallen down stairs! He will be hopeless in a real crisis. Your mother is blind to what he really is and has over indulged him all these years. He sounds awful.

This would 100% be why you struggle to apologise ❤️ it wasn’t modelled to you.

and that generation feel like if they apologise to their children, it’s an act of weakness. This whole “the parent is always right, they can’t ever possibly be wrong” narrative, even though they know they’re in the wrong. When actually, a parent apologising to their child is so important. It teaches a child that adults (and people in general) CAN make mistakes and it is ok to make mistakes, and that we have to acknowledge that sometimes. We’re all human it’s ok - but the whole inability to apologise is just wanting to uphold the authority, and not actually take accountability for any wrongdoings.

Your dads actions will have also made you a bit of a people pleaser, I imagine? Especially when you described trying to manage the situation of your son falling down the stairs, and calming your dad down. Growing up your dad would have (and your mum actually) made you feel like you were responsible for an adults feelings so you were subconsciously conditioned to try “keep the peace” and so you feel like you have to manage that by moulding yourself into a more likeable/reasonable person in order to avoid the conflict due to your dad being so hotheaded.

it must’ve been tough. But you can’t change them unfortunately, however you do now have the power to break the cycle and model the behaviour you wish had been modelled to you, to your son. And you sound so self-aware that I believe you can do that and probably have been doing that anyway ❤️

There are faults on both sides. It's all very minor petty stuff in the grand scheme of things.

Just wondering was he always like this as you were growing up .. can’t imagine been afraid of a parent but sounds like your mum is afraid of him by any chance has he any mental health issues etc ?? I would be sitting down and saying it to him ease up or DS won’t be coming around anymore

Hopefully you’re on the wrong thread?

Op has described a childhood exposed to male aggression and an upbringing which has conditioned her to accept and apologise for it.

Now she’s concerned her son is being exposed to the family’s toxic dynamic.

Hardly petty minor stuff, that’s such an odd comment.

I would be finding another option for your work from home day, and limiting contact.

People keep
saying that your mum is enabling your dad. It’s easy to say that but there is always a reason. She’s probably wanting to keep the peace because as he has to go home with him. Maybe he’s often that way with your mum so she has to tread on eggshells.

Your mum has learned how to negotiate her life around this man. She knows not to push his buttons. The incident with the stairs was probably fear that the child was hurt. The knocking on the door sounded childish. Maybe distance yourself a bit but don't blame mum.

To those essentially saying he can't help it, I bet he isn't 'unable' to control his outbursts around grown men. Just people smaller / weaker than him. Funny that.

I completely agree!

^and she can’t change him and isn’t going to divorce him over it so she has found a way to live with it.

…but that’s her choice. Nobody is entitled to their own emotional punching bag, family or not. OP is justified to not want to be treated like that. You can love your family and still need a break from them if they take their problems out on you.

Just because he planted some things in your garden that doesn't give him carte blanche to do whatever he likes and you just accept it/be grateful. That's nonsense.

Either sit down with him to discuss his behaviour and it's impact, and let him know that it's unacceptable or stop seeing him.

How did your child react to your dad's outburst? I guess your dad didn't apologise to him either.

I’m so glad you’ve said that you are there when they mind him on a Friday for you!
Would your mum not come to your house and mind your son while you work on Fridays? So you don’t have to be round your Dad with your son.
I would say talk to your mum about his aggressive behaviour and foul language but sounds like she’d likely just defend him. Then tell him what you said. Which will just make it worse as bully’s just get angrier when their faults are pointed out!

I would definitely go low contact. Is there a way you can manage Fridays without taking DS to your parents? Like I said would mum come to yours… Is there another set of grandparents that
could help you? A friend maybe…. Or reduce your hours temporarily… It’s only til September and presumably your son will be in school?
I agree with what someone else said … I think you need to talk to your son and explain this isn’t acceptable behaviour… that it isn’t ok to shout and swear and poke people! Otherwise he might mimic these behaviours…
I would definitely make future visits ‘a pop in for a quick cuppa’ and leave the second you see your Dads patience running low… in future I wouldn’t try to calm him down, I react back with a little anger ‘for god sake Dad, if you’re not here to help then stay in the other room’…..or ‘STOP SWEARING IN FRONT OF US!!’
I’d be livid and definitely be distancing myself, don’t let your son think this is
acceptable !

I don't think the knocking episode is trivial at all.

Ask yourself whether he would knock like that on someone else's door - a neighbour perhaps, or one of his friends? No, he jolly well wouldn't.

Agreed, the knocking was so aggressive.

I agree.

An angry, violent aggressive arsehole.

It is not normal but your childhood has normalised shocking behaviour.

Forget fridays.

Protect your child from him.

How is your son? How shocking for him to experience such an outburst! Please never allow him to be alone in the presence of your father. Don't allow childcare in your parents home even if you are there working from there in another room, you need to be in the same room as your child whenever your father is around.

My mum does that over the top screaming when something happens. Over the years it has meant that 1. We don’t tell her anything (and if we do, it is a very watered down version of events) and 2. We tend to keep our distance. My mum also does the “oh I did This Thing for you, even though you didn’t ask for The Thing, you should be extremely grateful and if you’re not extremely grateful for The Thing, then you’re an insufferable brat and incredibly ungrateful and I’m going to tell everyone how much of an insufferable and ungrateful child you are”. She comes round without notice, buys things for the children without consulting me or my sibs and if we cook a meal she will bring her own food and try to take over the kitchen.
she is hard work and I have learned not to feel guilty if I put my own feeling and that of my children first. In practice, that means grey rocking at best and low contact at worst, even if she claims not to understand my reasons. OP, you have been conditioned by this man like your mother has, but she chose him. You don’t have to- you have your own life and it’s time to put yourself first. It will feel weird at first, but remember- the only obligations you have in this life are to yourself and your child.