I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

[Bigwig1]

I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

If that's they way he is I'd reduce the time I spent with them. I wouldn't leave DS alone with them, he sounds a bit frightening especially for a child.

The knocking isn’t trivial, he knew you were in, so the normal thing to do is to knock once or twice and wait for you to answer, not hammer at the door continuously, whether it’s as a wind up or some other reason it’s weird as fuck. What kind of person deliberately winds up a supposed loved one like that then winds them up further about being stressed? That’s aside from the shouting and screaming and poking which is totally batshit behaviour I wouldn’t accept from a 3 year old let alone a grown man. Something very wrong here whether he’s ND or just an arsehole (or both) and you’re absolutely right to question/challenge these behaviours.

I agree with @User19844666884.

Can you imagine what he's like behind closed doors?

Maybe. Ugh. What an inheritance though. Xx

My dads exactly the same.

He flies off the handle in fright rather then anger which it sounds like your dad done, weirdly enough my dad was notorious for poking me in my collarbone as a punishment (rather then full on hitting) so the poking would of made me flip out if I was you.

Mums responses sound the same too, he loves us all so much and I know he genuinely does but he’s very stoic about it and demonstrates it through work and providing for us as kids rather then kind words etc. It’s hard with girls and their dads sometimes because we do dote on them no matter what they do.

It resulted in me moving out at 24 and going wild for a good 3-4 years because he’d been so strict and I got the taste of sweet freedom haha!

Id deffo be pulling him up about the poking that’s not acceptable.

Your dad is a deeply unpleasant person who gets pleasure from intimidating and tormenting you and your mother did not shield when you were growing up or now. His behaviour was normalised and minimised when she should have stood up for you.

You need to look after yourself and your dcs. Go low contact. Don't go round or have them round. Don't be alone with them. You are busy and have no time for them.

You may not be able to change the past, but you can damn well make sure that the future is better. Blood is not always thicker than water. Some people make a fetish of 'happy families' when it not true.

He's a bad tempered, aggressive, shouty man who yells and swears in front of a toddler. He poked you, hard, just because he had lost his temper. He plays nasty little aggressive control games (the doorbell). His wife enables it and makea excuses for him. You're doing the same.
Yet you're asking if you're oversensitive and rude? Really?

He's had his family tiptoe around him for years while he dominates. You could break the pattern and prevent your poor child from being exposed to more of this. And before he learns to submit to aggressive bullies who hurt his mum.

World you poke your son like that? I'm sure you wouldn't. If he left a bruise, photograph it, show it to your parents and tell them it's just one of the reasons why you'll be seeing them a lot less.

Women living on eggshells, having learnt to ‘manage’ the abusive behaviour of a man. Utterly chilling.

You feel the way you do because you finally see how wrong this all is. And you’re revolted by it.

Sounds like my dad too. He's an abusive bully who has never apologised or taken responsibility for a single thing in his life, it's always your fault if something happens to you though, even when it clearly isn't! I went the other way to you though and always apologised for everything whether I was at fault or not, anything to avoid being shouted at!

He also almost definitely has undiagnosed ASD. You can have ASD and be an arsehole.

Dad sounds like an utter fucking wanker.

Gosh why are you seeing them
so often and letting them plant stuff in your garden?

This! Why is it always ASD or dementia when someone is a prick?

I call it the medicalisation of human life. Mind you, Bipolar people can be jerkwads too.

Your dad is an emotionally illiterate bully, your mum is an enabler.

You can either fawn over him to protect his precious fee-fees or you can enforce strict boundaries to protect you and your family.

He sounds like a complete dickhead.

My bet is that now it's in your head you'll notice patterns of behaviour with them both that add up to be more and more intolerable, unfortunately.

Yes, the banging on the door is a small thing on its own, but as part of a larger pattern of boorish and bullying behaviour, it adds up. It sounds like your mum is facilitating and minimalising his unpleasantness, which probably means you've been trained to minimalise it, too.

I think it's often when we have our own children that patterns of unwanted behaviour from our own parents suddenly become noticeable to us.

Well, I'm autistic. And I would instantly get that flood of anger/ irritation/ fear if one of the DC fell down the stairs or something: "Why did you DO that? You have DISTURBED THE ORDER and it's all wrong!" The wash of raw, red emotion is almost overwhelming. But. Your child needs concern, and comfort. Rationally, you know that it wasn't their fault. So you mask. You mask like fuck. You pick them up and give them a cuddle, even while you are screaming inside. That's what you do if you are autistic and not a dick.

My father, along with many PPs', has never learnt this. Because, crucially, he has never considered it important enough to learn. So, for my mum to reassure me he loves us but can't show it, blah blah, is just empty words.

We are now NC.

There was another thread about parents who came round to do gardening etc whether the OP wanted it or not. I did wonder whether it was the same OP because that OP’s father was an arse as well.

Setting the bar so fucking low for male behaviour yet again...

Oh what a bully.
Tell him how much he has upset you OP.
Not through your Mum, but directly to him.
It's no use acting "a bit off with him" he won't pick up on that.
Tell him to his face, over the phone, or written down, that he is frightening, he has physically and emotionally hurt you, and that you won't tolerate this any more.
He may apologise and try to change, if he doesn't then you can walk away knowing that you gave him advance warning.
He is an appalling role model for your son to witness.

He’s either a bully or unwell.

I would insist on an apology and a promise not to shout or swear around my child before agreeing to see them again.

I find it really interesting that you as an autistic person feel that if someone doesn't mask they are a dick and doing it on purpose. Do you think it is really that simple, that there are no variations in autistic people and their ability to cope? Do you not think that the ability to mask also varies throughout life? Looking at the autistic people in my life masking becomes near impossible for them to do when they are very stressed(for example they are going through a rough time at work or school) or they are tired or not feeling well.

Not excusing his behaviour at all, but has he suffered any trauma that might cause this kind of reaction, to your knowledge?

But it's not okay to act like this, autistic or not.

OP,

Your father sounds like a very unpleasant man.

I can only imagine your childhood.

Your poor son, having fallen down the staire to then witness such a hysterical violent reaction from your father.

How terrifying for him, and for him to assault you, .......yes poking you is assault.

He put his hands on you.

This horror has been in your life so long, you think it is normal......

it is not normal behaviour.
It's appealing.
I think seeing a therapist would be very healthy to full explore your childhood.

In the meantime take a lot of space and I wouldn't want him and his uncontrollable anger around my child.

Your mother is his handler and enabler.

Put your child first.

You haven't had any protection from this man.

Protect your child.