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Original poster

I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

233 replies

Bigwig1 · 18/05/2023 18:27

I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

OP posts:
Betterbear · 18/05/2023 19:06

Well your Dad sounds perfectly normal to me, which I suppose is worrying.

ConkerBonkers · 18/05/2023 19:07

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AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 18/05/2023 19:08

Your dad is a bully and your mum is an enabler.

You do know the shouting alone is enough justification to keep him away from your son, without the poking, swearing at you, and mocking you.

Ponoka7 · 18/05/2023 19:09

Do they do childcare for you while you work? I think that you should see them less.

Mumofthree8 · 18/05/2023 19:11

ASD? Not acceptable but sounds exactly like my childhood with my dad, I’m now trying my absolute hardest not to repeat with my children. I am autistic and strongly suspect my dad is too.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 18/05/2023 19:12

'Poking' someone really hard whilst shouting and swearing is abusive. I can't believe anyone is excusing this at all. My dad wouldn't be visiting at all if he laid his hands on me. No-one lays their hands on me, let alone a shouting angry male.

tailinthejam · 18/05/2023 19:13

Both your parents are abusing you. Your father is an intimidating bully and your mother is enabling him and refusing to protect you and her grandchild from his aggressive outbursts.

This can't carry on indefinitely. You need to give them an ultimatum. Either they start treating you with respect as a fellow adult, or they will never see your or your dc ever again.

Inkanta · 18/05/2023 19:13

Doesn't look like your mum is going to stand up to him - so it's going to have to be you setting boundaries. He's an adult and and so are you and his role is not to parent or dominate you anymore. When you say 'NO' don't feel guilty about it.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/05/2023 19:16

Your father is a bully, a horrible man, your mother enables him and won't stand up for anyone but him, not even her child or grandson..... I'd keep ignoring them tbh and be grateful they don't want to see me!

Flufs · 18/05/2023 19:17

each time he’s rude go no or very low contact for a couple of weeks. Be routine.

NotmyRLname · 18/05/2023 19:18

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TripleDaisySummer · 18/05/2023 19:19

First case my own Dad might do from fright- difference is DMum and once we had our own kids us - would have told him to go elsewhere or told him to knock it off as not helping.

Second with door bell is the kind of shit IL pulled when kids were very young - a why aren't we center of attention/ you'll do what I want when I want shit - we get on much better since that all stopped.

So yes I do think your Dad is an issue but agree with PP so is your Mum - very much so.

blacksax · 18/05/2023 19:21

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It does not matter why he is a domineering swine. What matters is that he is abusing his family members.

Nobody should have to suffer being treated in that way.

mincedtart · 18/05/2023 19:24

He could be a massive dickhead. But the explosive irrational rage could also be an early symptom of something like dementia.

ConkerBonkers · 18/05/2023 19:24

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Mumofthree8 · 18/05/2023 19:25

Sorry I should I add I don’t condone this behaviour it is absolutely not ok for him to treat you or your son like this.

FatAgain · 18/05/2023 19:26

Why are you all excusing these random dads as being neurodiverse when they behave like such pricks?

OP -
you dads a bully and your mum is so downtrodden she can’t see that she’s enabling it.

my kids are autistic and I’d be horrified if they behaved like that now, never mind as grown men.

Chypre · 18/05/2023 19:26

Obviously, your dad's behaviour was not the best. I can assume he has only heard the word "empathy" for the first time somewhere in his fifties and thought it is some kind of infection. You can cut him off and contribute to the cycle that has made him this kind of person, or you can try to break it. Like many older people, he probably never saw much kindness from his own old man. If you go down the route of "no, you f...ck off first!" you'll be just like him, so why not try to be kind?

Indoorcatmum · 18/05/2023 19:29

If my parent poked me in anger I would consider going NC.

Because its one finger impact vs a whole hand, doesn't make it okay.

JaneBeyre · 18/05/2023 19:29

He does sound a bit like someone I know who I suspect due to recent related diagnoses has ASD. Just unable to handle slightly fraught social situations on any level and reacts by lashing out.

You can't change him. All you can do is be aware of his tendencies and protect your child. And give yourself space from him if he triggers you, which he seems to (understandably, as you've had to deal with it all your life.)

And maybe move away for a few years to give yourself time to reset your nervous system. If feasible of course. These things come to our attention when we have kids and we almost need to leave home again, I'm sure of it.

YoungYankee · 18/05/2023 19:31

Chypre · 18/05/2023 19:26

Obviously, your dad's behaviour was not the best. I can assume he has only heard the word "empathy" for the first time somewhere in his fifties and thought it is some kind of infection. You can cut him off and contribute to the cycle that has made him this kind of person, or you can try to break it. Like many older people, he probably never saw much kindness from his own old man. If you go down the route of "no, you f...ck off first!" you'll be just like him, so why not try to be kind?

I don't understand why cutting him off would be perpetuating any cycle. It's more likely that unnecessarily exposing her son to his horrible behavior would do harm, by scaring him and/or teaching him that it's an acceptable way to behave. Stopping or limiting contact with an individual isn't inherently an act of hatred. Especially considering one's responsibility to their kid(s) should come before their relationship with their parents.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 18/05/2023 19:31

bananaboats · 18/05/2023 18:51

Hes a bully and your mum enables him. I wouldn't want myself or my child exposed to that kind of behaviour.

I was just going to say exactly the same thing

barelyfunctional · 18/05/2023 19:31

My dad’s like this. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t spoken to him in years! You don’t need to tolerate being bullied by your own parent.

Inkanta · 18/05/2023 19:32

It wasn't right that you had to reassure your dad your child was alright when your poor child had just fallen and needed the support. I would also tell your mum to just stop it. Stop making excuses for him. Your anger and resentment is your body telling you - time to set boundaries.

PermanentTemporary · 18/05/2023 19:37

I wouldn't cut off contact but I would try to change my reactions. It'sinterestingthat you were trying to reassure him. Did you do that in the past?I always seem to recommend therapy... but if not therapy, maybe role-playing with someone you trust - your partner?

He starts shouting - pick up your son and walk away. Tell him afterwards that you're sorry he panicked but you feel neither you nor your son should have to experience his shouting and aggressive swearing. I always felt it was cowardly to do these things by email or message but my therapist suggested it was fine - better than not doing it at all!

He knocks endlessly - don't answer. If the knocking is unbearable, pick up your son, open the door, walk out.

Model to your mother and him that you are not going to put up with this any more.

And talk to your son about it. Ask him what he remembers. I would reassure him that your dad was just frightened, but that he shouldn't have scared you all like that.