I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

[Bigwig1]

I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

My strategy would be the second he starts I stop what I'm doing gather up my children & belongings & leave without a word.
I did that with my female parent, not seen her in over 20 years😉
RESULT!

Was your dad always abusive? Or is this the beginning of cognitive decline?

Sounds a little like your dad has EUPD.

What @Oldnproud and @halfsiesonapotnoodle said.

What on earth is wrong with your dad that he’s shouting and poking you what the hell!

Your dad is abusive and you should protect yourself and your son from him

It sounds like your Dad has a non diagnosed condition which your Mom has handled over the years through love or, maybe he has been diagnosed and you haven't been told. Older generation keep things to themselves. Maybe have a conversation with your Mom. If she fobs you off, then you just need to accept your Dad as he is and move on. Difficult I know, but learnt from my own childhood that they seldom talk.

I see there's quite a few apologists on this thread OP, but the consensus is your dad is not a nice man and shouldn't be around your son. I don't think much to your mum either - sorry if that's hard to hear and you'd rather chat about you being in the wrong with the enablers. Why do you put up with it?

What a horrible man.

Your poor son and poor you having him as a father. Your mother seems to minimalise his behaviour.

I would be going very LC with him....

You see, this is how your mum wants everyone to get along , she’s turning a blind eye to the issues here. You should lower contact for the moment between you, your child versus your parents. Your mum wants you to feel guilty as it makes life easier for her. Ignoring you is pathetic.

Your dad sounds to me like many men, in that he has never learned to deal with emotion. It's not right but there it is. Your mum enables his behaviour. Suspect you will not be able to change him but you can create distance between you, and that's what I would do. Sorry you are in this situation.

My dad is like this too.

Mine even sneezes loudly to reinforce his belief that him being louder = he's in control.

Its interesting watching sad and abusive men get old and frail.

He sounds like the kind of person you'd throw out of the door if he were a friends and not a relative. In all this, I have this weird feeling about your Mum. Could it be that he mistreats her and she has to take his side because she is frightened of him?

YANBU @Bigwig1 He would give me the horrors.

My dad was a bit like that- he didn't swear but the moodiness was bad enough. We all had to tiptoe around him. It's a very unhealthy atmosphere to grow up in. Children need to be able to relax at home.

My sister and I have been left with severe anxiety etc issues as adults.

What he did will also be triggering all your childhood experiences of it.

Your dad never learned how to control or express his emotions properly.( I'm guessing he had brothers and sisters to look after as a child, or wasn't supervised much while growing up? )

His default for high emotions is anger, because that feels safest to him. He gets to blame everyone and looks like the good one in a bad situation. He was very fearful when your son fell and terrified that he might be hurt. When the lad was ok, your dad had to do a face-saving tactic for himself, which meant bullying any bystanders who might mock him for his initial reaction. He wanted you both to feel the fear he had just gone through. He poked you hard to distract you from ridiculing him, into fearing him.

You and your mother had years of being trained by him. He probably knows which of your buttons to press to make him come out well in any situation.

It is only now that you have your son, that your perspective has shifted slightly and your dad's tactics are suddenly revealed to you. Once you see it, you can't go back.

And then you look at your mother, still on his training programme, and wonder why she can't see it too. How could she have enabled him all these years? (How could she have let him control you growing up, too?) You wonder if she's on his 'side'. Is she an ally or a risk?

Things are going to change.

Maybe the love for his grandchild will make your father finally grow up into a reasonable person? Maybe you will be able to forgive and understand - but never quite trust- him eventually.

Or maybe it's too much and you want to protect your son from growing up around your dad's moods and outbursts?

I do wonder about the second incident though.

I'm the sort of person who would respond straight away to a door knock and finish an email after opening the door. Even though you were expecting them any minute, you still weren't ready to let them in. It's interesting. A little bit of rebellion, like a teenager. Your dad picked up on it straight away.

I think it could be a positive thing, going forwards. You asserting yourself for the sake of your child and as a side effect, helping your dad to finally grow up emotionally. It would also involve freeing your mum up too from her rather neurotic involvement in keeping him under control that she dies at the moment.

Obviously if you feel that there would be a ŕisk of violence, then walk away swiftly, but otherwise there might be some real potential for more emotionally healthy times in the family. Little children sometimes have this effect. It could be the saving of your father from himself.

does not dies

Your father is emotionally abusive. Your mother enables this, and you have been conditioned to feel it's your fault. Would you accept a romantic partner swearing at you and jabbing you in the chest? No? Then why is it ok for your father to do so?

Your dad never learned how to control or express his emotions properly

I don't even really believe that. They don't tend to do it in front of other people, just their wives and children. So they are capable of not doing it, but they choose to.

If they can't control their emotions properly they'd be dysfunctional in every sphere of life (admittedly my dad was a bit like that with work, but strangely, when they split up and he couldn't sponge off my mum anymore, he got a job within a year and kept it for the rest of his working life, because he had to.)

Exactly this. Many men react to ANY emotion with anger. And do nothing to address their issue- except blame others and lash out.

I would cut your mum some slack- I’ve no doubt this has been normalised for her and she is now conditioned to walk on egg shells around him through fear.

Keep contact limited and protect yourself. And protect your son- your dad is not a good male role model.

It’s perfectly normal and valid to feel the way you do. You love your father so you will feel conflicted. You’re not obliged to have a close relationship, he hasn’t earned one.

Sorry if this is blunt, but your df is going to be a nightmare if your mum falls seriously ill or dies before him.

Has he always been like this or has it come on over a number of years? Before we realised by dad had Alzheimer’s his behaviours changed drastically. When he was eventually diagnosed he had very challenging and aggressive behaviours. It wasn’t him it was his illness, Alzheimer’s isn’t just forgetfulness there are lots of other symptoms for some.

@Bigwig1 The jabbing is actual physical abuse, that compounds the rest of it and makes it all even worse.

I wonder if your dad and my step dad grew up in the same way. My entire upbringing was spent being mindful of his feelings and reactions and brushing off my own discomfort because he’d been a neglected child (and what we now clearly see as learning difficulties). Do I now subject my child to emotional abuse because of my obviously fucked up upbringing? No, I do not. And after becoming a parent, I secretly resent my otherwise saint of a mum for training me to pander to him. It’s a choice and he’s choosing selfishness.

No I don't think I am deliberately misinterpreting you? You are the one that said you can mask your reactions and if others can't they should be kept away from the family. You are the one that is insisting that 'high functioning' autistic people should be able to mask no matter what, that being 'quirky' is OK for an autistic person but if an autistic person shouts around the family in reaction to a shock they should be exiled for their reaction.

The OP didn't mention her dad making any threats towards her child nor smacking them, the people in my family don't make threats towards anyone nor do they smack them. I really don't consider having children around disabled people that sometimes shout 'sacrificing' them. Loads of mumsnetters yell directly at their children all of the time which personally I would consider worse than a disabled person who shouts in the vicinity of children.

The OP didn't mention her dad making any threats towards her child nor smacking them

No he just physically abused OP by poking her instead. It also does show that he's capable of physical abuse towards others (including DC) physically, because on one level he thinks getting physical with others is ok.

@Bigwig1 He is a risk to your DC.

OP your dad sounds like an a**ehole who has been allowed to get away with bad behaviour. Like my dad was although my mother would wind him up deliberately to annoy him more. Him poking you in the chest is completely unacceptable, why is he getting away with this.
Once when my kids were young my father started shouting at my mother in front of them and me. I said to him after if he ever did that again it would be the last time he saw his grandchildren. He never once apologised for anything either. Don't put up with it.
Also, you didn't ask for the plants, think you need to put in boundaries.

Hes always been like this, since my childhood

That doesn’t sound indicative of Alzheimer’s.

My theory for what it’s worth:

Your dad lost control and lashed out at you in a nasty way.
He recognises this in hindsight but instead of acknowledging his fault he attempts to provoke an angry response in you (persistent knocking) next time he sees you. As if to prove (to himself and to you) that everyone reacts in anger, you’re no better than him.

This sort of thing is born from deep insecurity, and an ingrained fear of confronting his own demons- possibly behaviour modelled to him by his own father.
I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that he self medicated his emotions too with alcohol, food, gambling or similar.

He won’t change, although understanding him may help you understand and forgive yourself for your own reactions - which are completely normal.

You need strong boundaries and limited supervised contact for your son.