I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

[Bigwig1]

I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

He sounds so intense. You knew what to do because you’re used to managing him - de escalate, get out, go home, suck up annoyance about your work etc.

Not ideal, but you managed all that.

What’s NOT at all ok is everything that happens next, after you already managed all that. Your mum with the ‘that’s how he is’, the plants, the knocking, on and on ……

They literally forced a series of events on you after you left and just needed space - that they then used to make you look unreasonable if you don’t see them, or if you don’t answer straight away - maddening aaargggh.

My mum did the ‘that’s just how they are’ thing about family members who behaved unreasonably to me. It never ever worked the other way though - no one ever had to make allowance for me. It made me incredibly adaptable and tolerant, but in adulthood I realised it made me overly able to deal with and accept the unacceptable.

So that’s probably why a red mist descended on me on your behalf upon reading your OP!!!

Your dad is an utter pillock, a truly horrible man.

Your mum is enabling his abusive behaviour.

I'd reduce contact with the pair of them, and I would be particularly wary of the effect your dad could have on your child .

I'd also seek counseling to deal with the long term impact of being brought up by these people.

Look up FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt.
You are mired in it. It's not healthy.

This. Your parents are toxic.

Your Dad sounds like he does not know how to handle his emotions and takes it out on his loved ones. I am puzzling over something similar with a family member.

The other thing is that they seem to need so much attention from you - just when your child needed you.

I wouldn’t necessarily cut contact but definitely wouldn’t leave DC in their care unsupervised until these issues are addressed. They didn’t put your DC first or support you while you did so

talk to your son about it

I think that’s good advice , in a child friendly way as he’s only 4! And let your son share how he feels too- you can tell him that grandad made you feel sad too.

tell him that his grandad was silly to get angry when really he felt scared and reassure him that you won’t let grandad lose his temper around him again.

Your son shouldn’t have his grandad’s behaviour normalised by everyone around him.

👋 👋 👋 would be my response, I would distance myself tbh.

This, exactly.

I’m repeatedly amazed by how much people on here see their parents 😂

I’d definitely be distancing myself from them if I were you.

I wouldn’t want my child to witness the anger or the poking especially if my child was a boy. I know he’s very young but I remember incidents of my dads violence and anger from that age. It shapes your stress responses. You definitely don’t want aggression normalised for your DS.
Your dad is a bully. Your mum, sounds like she makes excuses for him to keep the peace. But you are right - his behaviour is not in any way acceptable. I would distance your DS from him as much as possible.

@ItsCalledAConversation just to be clear, I pay for child care 4 days a week. They only look after him on a Friday morning for about 5 hours and I go to their house to work from there. Don't make assumptions. They also weren't in my house whilst I wasn't there, they were in my garden. Which isn't a regular thing, they'd just been at the garden centre and bought me some plants. I'd already said I knew I had been unreasonable in my reaction. I have a busy, successful job in a great home with a great partner and I don't consider myself reliant on anybody. I'm more than open to different points of view here, but quite frankly have found your post offensive and just full of ridiculous assumptions

I think a lot more people are like this than anyone realises- expressing uncomfortable emotion with anger.

The pandemic illustrated that. A lot of people were lashing out at those around them- accusing neighbours of being irresponsible, demonising people going to the shops, looking for anyone to attack or blame when what they were feeling was fear.

I had been unreasonable in my reaction

I think your dad deliberately provoked an angry reaction in you (by knocking continuously) to prove something to himself and everyone around you.

It was a cowardly attempt to minimise or normalise his previous angry outburst.
He may well love you or even feel remorseful but he is deeply emotionally stunted and immature I’m afraid.

Your dad sounds just like my late DH. Basically he is a bully. I’m sure if you did to him what he did to you your dad would go crazy. Doing a nice thing for someone (i.e. planting your plants) does not give him the right to behave in this way. I feel sorry for your mum as I know what it’s like to be married to someone like your dad.

My DH had an unpleasant character too. Shouts at people all the time and thinks nothing of it. Expects everyone to wait on him. Is rude. Ungrateful. Never does you a good turn without continually reminding you to the point where you wish he wouldn’t have bothered. His sister is also an enabler. Accepts his horrible behaviour and will tell me and my DB off if we stand up to him! I limit to contact to what I can manage. I do my duty. Nothing more. Protect yourself by stepping back a bit. It helps.

This resonates. You are not responsible for the emotional well-being or management of your dad. Draw a big red line that if he behaves that way again then you will cut down contact. State clearly that you will not expose your children to the same shit that you had to manage growing up. This has worked for us and we are 5 years in without a single incident.

I wouldn't focus on GETTING AN APOLOGY.

Focus on the answer to the question ''Do you understand that was a very frightening shaming way to act around your grandson. Instead of comfort, he got shouting''

Often in families (in mine for sure) there were a lot of dysfunctional rules that are obeyed without question. Eg, we all revolve around my mother and if anybody else tries to say that they feel hurt, they are not just not heard but they are shamed for having the expectation that they might be heard. It's so dysfunctional. My hurt is a grudge. My mothers ought to make us all change our behaviours. I went along with all of this on auto pilot until I could see my mother doing the same thing to my daughter. My daughter took it on the chin because she was that one extra step removed and she knew I saw her. I heard her. I had curiosity about who she is, so when my mother told her what she was feeling, she was better able to shrug it off, but it made me so mad.

I’d not leave my child alone with him, not even with your mother there as she’s his enabler. It’s difficult to not have family childcare, we don’t have it, but it’s doable and so worth it.

I had an experience with my SD and my kids 6 years ago and I don’t leave them alone with him. My mum ‘protects’ him like your mum does and I’m the bad guy in their eyes; I can live with that.

I have a dad like this and a mum like yours too.

Something happened to your son and rather than behaving like an adult, able to comfort and react appropriately to the situation, he totally lost it and sucked all of the attention toward himself and away from the person in need of it.

It took until I was a young adult to stand up to my dad. He hated it, but I would tell him that he was being ridiculous or demand that he stop the attention seeking behaviour.

He did eventually stop this behaviour toward me and as a result he is much more careful in our interactions and with my dc as I would not tolerate this in front of them.

BUT, he is still like this with my siblings so not truly changed!

Your mum enabling him like this makes her a person who will unfortunately place HIM above you or your DC's welfare. Like my mum did, she tries to get you to accept the abuse.

My DF was the same growing up and now being in his company more (he has the start of dementia and needs support) I am observing his behaviour at close quarters with adult eyes . I’ve only just thought after all this time that he is on the spectrum. So many obvious signs. We just grew up accepting that his awful behaviour and tip toeing around him.
I would just put a bit of distance between you and your DF. Only meet on your terms at their home and not when you are working. If he behaves badly you leave.
He will get the message.

@Bigwig1 I could have written this, this is exactly the same dynamic as my parents…Dad with a massive issue controlling his emotions and Mum constantly sticking up for him as if we should be grateful that he loves us enough to fly off the handle about things.

I hate it and always thought I was the only one living like this.

You did nothing wrong, it’s exhausting living with this kind of relationship.

💐

As this thread demonstrates ,this is VERY common particularly amongst men of your father’s generation. The ensuing family dynamic is almost inevitable.

Thankfully attitudes towards men showing emotion and the notion that the man of the house rules are no longer acceptable to younger generations.

@RoseThornside

Does your dad also stand over you, shouting in your face and poking you??

Well @RoseThornside described her dad reacting in an “over the top, angry aggressive way”.
However that manifested it sounds almost identical, and no more acceptable?

OMG yes… I have thought for years that my DS has BPD …. but never thought beyond this … my DF sounds just like OP’S I even commented but now reading your comment has completely resonated with me - thank you!

Why are people almost attacking the OP?!