I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

[Bigwig1]

I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

I can’t fathom why you have your child around this man.

Yep all of this and then some of this and then a bit more of this.

My father likely has undiagnosed ASD and also undiagnosed arsehole. One does not preclude the other by any means.

I have 2 uttterly charming considerate and lovely kids with ASD and a brother on the psychopathic spectrum too so ASD is in the family.

freeballing
There is NO excuse to behave around other people like this. A high functioning, intelligent autistic adult can learn to modify their behaviour, given sufficient incentive. And to some extent I believe we have a duty to do so, especially around our children, who have limited capacity to understand why we're doing so. This man has raised children, for years submitting them to this kind of outburst, with no examination of his behaviour. You only have to look at the amount of pain and damage expressed on this thread to see what happens when autistic men don't consider any necessity to modify the impact of their behaviour.

Without any doubt, NT people could do more to understand autistic people, our triggers and our "quirks". I appreciate people understanding when I get overestimated in company and my words come out all jumbled, for example.

But causing fear, distress and pain to vulnerable loved ones is never, never excusable. If these intelligent men really cannot modify their behaviour around children especially, then they shouldn't be around them.

This.

That's a brilliant description, thank you for sharing that. I'm going to screenshot it and show it to my mum!

he loves us all so much and I know he genuinely does but he’s very stoic about it and demonstrates it through work and providing for us as kids rather then kind words etc. I

@MammaTo and he also totally and terrifyingly loses his shit?

he clearly loves your son very much and when we panic or are in extremis our language can be unguarded.

@AlantheDog verbatim
what a domestic abuser would say after he’s battered his partner

But there's a reason why we see people who are hysterical being slapped round the face in films - in that moment, they are beyond thinking and outside of reason.

The cover poster for a domestic abuser

Ah @AlantheDog is a man according to another thread.

no surprises there

Your dad is a bully and your mum is enabling him. I would have very little to do with him if I were you. You are a grown up now and don’t have to tolerate him if you chose not to.

Am I?
Bloody hell, my husband will get a shock! As will the 4 kids who definitely grew somewhere inside my body and emerged through what I had blithely assumed was my vagina....

In that case have you said this to your partner after slapping him? Or perhaps one of your children?

I don’t blame you op.

Some people get a thrill out of upsetting others. A reaction is a reaction. They often get the loneliness they deserve in the end.

You are wilfully misinterpreting what I wrote.
Frankly I can't really be bothered with the faux outrage.

Thanks for the reply. I find it interesting that you think that autistic people that can't mask/have meltdowns should be excluded from family environments. How do you know that they haven't examined their behaviour but are still unable to modify it, how do you know that they have the ability to 'examine their behaviour', 'high functioning' autism is not one size fits all after all. Where do you think that autistic adults that sometimes at high stress points have meltdowns should go? Do you think they should be placed in institutions to make sure that they are not around 'vulnerable people' or just isolated from their loved ones?

Do you not think that NT people are able to understand Grandad has a disability that means sometimes he reacts in an inappropriate way to stressful situations, that means that sometimes he will shout when he is scared. There are a lot of autistic people in my extended family and in my experience, the children are very able to understand that certain relatives have autism and this means that sometimes they do x and y because they are scared/stressed/unwell/whatever. I think it would be very sad if the less able members of our family were ostracised because they don't have the same ability to mask as others may do.

My experience especially with older autistic family members is that as they age the severity of their traits worsens, especially when it comes to things like flexible thinking and the need for routine and this means that having young children around can be quite challenging for them. I don't know maybe we are too 'understanding' in our family but isolating them from us seems very harsh.

This ☝️☝️☝️☝️

OP - I'm so sorry for you. And angry. How dare your father 'poke' you - that's the equivalent of hitting you.

And your mum supported it.

You need distance between you. A lot of it.

You and your parents sound like you have absolutely no appropriate boundaries, why on earth are they in your house while you’re working (or you at theirs?) and why are they planting your garden? It’s utterly bizarre behaviour from adults. Then all the high drama/silly tantrummy behaviour from you all. Yes it’s you too OP.
Reading between the lines they’re caring for your DS and you’re relying on them/enmeshed with them waaay too much for a grown adult. My advice is to grow up, step up with your DS (ie pay for childcare) and establish some adult boundaries.

That is not the post I was referring to.
The faux outrage was you misinterpreting when I said that there's a reason why in films people slap people who are hysterical. This does not imply that I slap people. I am illustrating that people who are in panic can genuinely be beyond reason. The slap of screaming person in extremis is a well known film trope.

It is extremely poor form to go advanced searching my name to quote me out of context to imply that I am abusive or allow abuse.
As you see, my husband's behaviour on that one occasion 15 years ago was NOT tolerated and he was removed from the house.
You behaviour in hounding me and searching all my previous posts feels actually very intrusive and abusive, which is ironic.

To be honest I think you are both pandering to his awful behaviour..blaming it on his caring nature - panicking because the child may have been hurt...his reaction was appalling and as for him knocking the door like that - clearly you knew they were coming and you should have been there ready to open the door to show your appreciation of the gardening favour (in his opinion). He is just a rude and arrogant individual and you really shouldn't allow him to have too much to do with your child. He's going to grow up looking up to his grandad and two of them would be too much.

i dont care of someones on the spectrum poking you was out of order

Freeballing
I think you are deliberately misinterpreting me. "Having a meltdown" does not automatically = screaming in someone's face , poking them hard (wtf?), and basically detracting all the attention away from a child who may have been injured.

If someone is behaving like that around children, then yes, they should not be around them. My own children have kind of made that decision themselves- after multiple occasions of being told "he was going to kill them" etc, and a couple of instances of being slapped for minor infractions, they don't want to see Grandad any more. Fine by me- after a childhood of being smacked, threatened, being told nasty things about myself and watching my brother being thrown down the stairs on one occasion, ending up with a head wound, I should perhaps have cut contact earlier.

It very much sounds to me as if you might be sacrificing the younger members of your family to the older ones there.

There should be a phrase similar to "toxic positivity"- "toxic compassion", perhaps- to describe the defence of the indefensible. I have seen some people (chiefly women) twist themselves into knots to defend the awful behaviour of others (chiefly men). They think they're being kind. They're not.

Ugh this is so horrible. My father acts in exactly that sort of way and my mother has always pandered to it but neither of them would have tolerated it from us. He is somehow "special". My sister and I sometimes challenged him about it once we were adults and he would just huffily say "well I was very upset/angry" as if that justified appalling behaviour which would often include shouting, swearing, violence and insults . But expects no one else to ever be upset or angry in his presence, even children, because he doesnt like it. I backed off massively. I suspect he is ND (both I and my son are) but manages to rein it in when it's someone he can't bully and intimidate, so I have limited sympathy. Sounds like your mother is a panderer too. Unbelievable that your poor little lad falls down stairs and your dad's reaction is to make it all about himself! The knocking too sounds designed to annoy you and put you in your place. Sort of "look how I can wind you up and you don't dare react because that special privilege is reserved for me only".

Your dad is a narcissist.

Why do you feel you have to engage with him? Do you really need him? Do they add anything to your life? Financial or emotional support?
If not, it's no contact time.
It also may help your mum because he sounds like a controlling arse and she is scared to not back home up.