I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

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I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

When they 'came round to your house to plant things' - did you, at any point, have any control over this? Or was it a case of 'I've bought stuff for your garden and I'm going to plant them for you?' -ie, a case of controlling your environment whilst trying to look helpful?

Because I think you are going to need to pull back quite a lot from both of them, for your DS sake, and your own. But I have a horrible feeling that he won't tolerate that.

@YoungYankee limiting contact until/if things improve is reasonable but cutting out of life completely because of a single (as I understand regarding the child it is the first situation of this kind) incident, which was majorly driven by poor emotional intellect IMHO is an overkill. Setting boundaries is better, it might as well work.

I just then question everything as well. Like, was it as bad as I think? Did he get really poke me that hard? Was he just trying to be playful with the annoying knocking?

The poking actually got to me more than the yelling and swearing. Even if it wasn't intended as "hard", I felt violated and that was the moment I no longer wanted to stick around.

And with the knocking, even if he was just trying to joke around, when he saw I was stressed by it he could have just apologised and I'd have calmed down! But he doesn't apologise for anything.

He was like this throughout our childhood. I don't know if all children are like this but, all the way through my childhood, right through my teenage years, I really struggled to ever apologise for things. Especially to my family. I don't have trouble now, but I do wonder if it's because no one ever apologised for their behaviour when I was growing up. I get it wrong with my DS sometimes, but I make sure I always apologise when I do!

Jesus what a total aggressive dick.

Hiw does your mum put up with it?!

I hate this kind of behaviour. My children's father is like this. He has aspergers but it is hard to tell what is aspergers and what part is him being a dickhead. Whichever it sounds awful and I don't blame you for being annoyed about it.

You Dad panicked. He clearly cares lots about you and DS but clearly has a few ‘odd’ ways.
Your mum stands by him and that’s habitual and possibly generational. That’s not her fault- she has just become used to putting up with it.
I would tell him that your ds gets very upset when he hears shouting and swearing.
But sadly you are unlikely to change him now.
After all nobody is perfect are they? We all have funny ways.

I wouldn't let my children be exposed to that language and behaviour from any adult, let alone family. Your son is going to grow up thinking that is acceptable and being physical with you (and other people) is fine. Your mum is no better really as she's accommodating this behaviour by brushing over it, she's probably been conditioned to not think much of it over the decades. Is he any better in public? Maybe you can try to limit contact to meeting in public spaces where he has to 'save face' more rather than in the privacy of your homes where no one will raise an eyebrow to him.

Respectfully, your experience of parenting known autistic kids in modern times in a positive way will be enormously different to OP's father's life story if he is on the spectrum.

He panicked when his grandson fell down the stairs. The way his daughter reacted triggered him and he behaved inappropriately. He knocked on the door in a socially inappropriate way (after planting things for OP). Incidentally, the way he knocked triggered his DD and she reacted gruffly and shoutily too. The only difference between their behaviour is the poke really.

I think your father still sees you as a child. You might need to stop accepting help from them and distance yourself from them.

@AlantheDog yes he panicked and was perhaps triggered, as was I by the repeated knocking, but I do like to think my behaviour was perhaps a little better than his given I wasn't shouting or swearing and there were no children around

Your dad's a nasty twat.
Must have been very upsetting for your son.

You don't seem to have any idea how badly they treat you.

I'd be having very little to do with them.

The point is, all these people saying they will go no contact, that he's an aggressive arsehole....he clearly loves your son very much and when we panic or are in extremis our language can be unguarded.

Knocking on the door wrong is very trivial. I mean maybe a bit irritating but not aggressive or bullying. Maybe he was eager to see if you liked the planting he'd done. He wasn't to know you were emailing.

My dad does the same thing when he comes to my house. He just knocks and knocks and knocks even when he can hear/see me coming. It drives me insane because it really works the dog up and sometimes my baby is sleeping or what have you and I've asked him so many times not to do it but he won't stop. I don't know if he thinks it is funny or because he's so impatient, it makes no sense. He does a million other things too but that's just one of them that drives me up the wall.

Similar to my parents I am VLC I can't cope with having contact with them.

Your dad is an arsehole. He physically assaulted you. He is abusive. Controlling. Just fucking awful. Don’t feel any of this is on you. Limit seeing him and your mum.

I will repeat what I said the last time you posted this. Your dad panicked and reacted out of fear. It may have triggered something in him.

He panicked when his grandson fell down the stairs. The way his daughter reacted triggered him and he behaved inappropriately. He knocked on the door in a socially inappropriate way (after planting things for OP). Incidentally, the way he knocked triggered his DD and she reacted gruffly and shoutily too. The only difference between their behaviour is the poke really

No it's not good to excuse the dad's aggression or make OP's reaction to the knocking and poke violation part of the issue. Dad has the problem.

I agree.

Are NT people really this lacking in ability to see beyond behaviour?

@AlantheDog I do agree with you about the knocking, it is fairly trivial and I don't think he meant anything by it, I just found it very very stressful. But I feel like they're almost waiting for an apology from me for it, and that makes me feel more resentful because I never got an apology for how I was treated. I know that sounds immature, but I just want to be treated with some respect

Agree that he is one of those people that because they struggle with feeling upset, translate that feeling into anger. Especially for men, anger is often an easier and more socially acceptable feeling to express than fear, confusion, sadness. If he's neurodiverse, distinguishing between his emotions might be harder still.

That said, as my autistic husband puts it, you can be autistic and an arsehole. And your dad behaved like an arsehole.

Especially don't like him "wanting to do something nice" and then him and your mum running roughshod over your priorities to get an acknowledgement of what they've done. It's a weird power trip even without the knocking. I imagine they have a history of not respecting boundaries.

But I feel like they're almost waiting for an apology

Crikey! And all that shouting and swearing he did gets swept under the carpet.

OP, did you actually want them to help with the plants? Or did you find yourself just going along with the suggestion because it's easier than turning them down? And if so does this happen a lot? Because I've got a feeling you've allowed them to wiggle their way into every bit of your life and now you will find it hard to regain some boundaries. You depend on them for childcare I'm guessing?
You really need to take back a bit of control over your life. Find ways of saying no. Distance yourself from them gradually.
You've grown up with his tantrums being normal life for you. But it isn't normal and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, especially in your own home, and your son deserves better than that too.

I'd be keeping DS at arm's length away from them, especially your Dad.

My dad was like this. I didn't see him from 1985, and he died in 2013. I still don't regret my choice.

Well, that's different.

My experience of having a dad of an older generation almost certainly on the spectrum (my son and sister are) is that he was made to feel bewildered shame repeatedly through his life, especially his childhood, for breaking unclear social rules that he didn't perceive or understand. This has made apologising or any kind of confrontation of his behaviour incredibly hard for him, especially in his "safe space" of the family unit.

Nowadays, We just kind of accept that Dad will get stuff wrong, that it's not done maliciously, and that he is basically a decent person. He is loyal, he doesn't beat people up, he doesn't steal. He works hard. Just like your mum, ours used to say 'he loves you all very much; he just doesn't know how to show it'.

Since we came to this understanding of Dad and his intentions, many things that used to make me or my siblings angry about him don't anymore. And I handle my autistic son very differently, using teaching rather than blaming and shaming to support him in developing his own social skills and understanding.