I can't get over how my dad acted when DS fell down the stairs

[Bigwig1]

I honestly don't know if I'm being a bit too sensitive, because I think where it comes to my father I've lost perspective over the years. There are actually two things that have happened - the second thing is very small and almost certainly sits with me for overreacting, but I need to get them off my chest!

The first thing. When at my parents' house DS (4) fell down the stairs. He was with my mum at the time, just lost his footing and slipped. He didn't hurt himself in the slightest. I was working, heard him fall and came rushing out to find him at the bottom of the stairs. My mum was obviously there and my dad then suddenly appeared. I assessed in the moment, saw DS was standing up and crying from the shock of it but wasn't hurt, wasn't bleeding and nothing was broken. My dad starts shouting and swearing his head off (not at anyone as such, just around everyone), shouting "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED, WHAT THE ACTUAL F", with many many more swear words and a very scary face (he can be a terrifying man when something in him just snaps). I know this about my dad so tried to calm him down (I'm annoyed I even did that). So I was hugging my son and saying to my dad "it's okay don't worry he's fine see? Everything's fine, don't worry, calm down it's all okay". I know it can be annoying when someone says "calm down", but I really was just trying to help him. Anyways, he then starts swearing at me, telling me not to "f*** tell him to calm down" and then pokes me really hard whilst shouting.

He then storms off, slamming all the doors. I got upset over it, and didn't want DS exposed to all that. So I just left and went back to my own place, which obviously ruined the rest of my working day.

I've had no apology off my dad, and mum always just says "you know that's just your father, and you just have to handle him in a certain way". I hate that, I feel like it makes it my responsibility to handle his emotions, not his responsibility to treat me with respect. I still feel really funny about it.

Fast foreward to now. My mum and dad came round to plant some things in my garden. They offered, I didn't ask. I wasn't in at the time, and when I got back they were gone. Messaged my mum to say I was back and thanks for doing it, and she then says "oh we'll come back". I didn't want them to come back, I had so much work to do and I was really stressed, but I say yes anyway (followed by "I'm really busy though so can only see you for 5mins"). They came round and my dad knocked on my front door continuously until I answered it. There was literally no pause at all to his knocking, for 20 seconds. I was trying desperately to finish the last line of my email and I couldn't with that incessant knocking. I kept shouting "one second", and he wouldn't stop. It really really stressed me out, so I opened the door and said, rather angrily "did you REALLY have to keep knocking like that?!". I was grumpy, and obviously appeared somewhat ungrateful for their efforts in the morning. But he then responded by stressing me out even more with "ohh look who's stressed, someone's stressed why are you stressed", in a really taunting way that he knows gets on my nerves.

I was then pretty grumpy and irritated for the 2minutes they were there, probably borderline rude.

My mum has taken his side saying he wasn't trying to annoy me...and now we're all just ignoring each other. I may have overreacted, but I cannot express enough how stressful I found the continuous loud banging on my door. And I'm still harbouring a lot of resentment after the stairs incident.

Sorry that was incredibly long. I think I just needed to get all of that off my chest! Was I a complete cow for not saying thank you and being more grateful for the plants? I just can't get over it all!

My 3-yr old sister (decades ago) had serious mental issues for years due to our (thankfully long-gone) father continually shouting like this in her presence.

I think you may have overreacted a bit about the knocking, but your irritation was probably due to the fact you’re still not over how he acted when your son fell down the stairs. Quite rightly so - you’re not being unreasonable. Your dad sounds like a bully.

When you were a child, you depended on your dm and df for your very survival. And it’s inevitable that you will have learned some odd mental somersaults to make sense of your world and your place in it.

You ds is a generation removed, and it will probably benefit you both to talk through strange behaviours like this in a neutral curious way.

What your dm does is called gaslighting - it’s a bit like propaganda - trying to change your perception of reality. And look, it’s a survival strategy on her part too.

Don’t gaslight your ds. Just be open and honest about these things. “granda shouted a lot when you fell. I wonder why that was?”

Dc have a way of gaslighting themselves and twisting their memories to take personal responsibility for upsetting or frightening things and lifting that burden of blame off him is the key thing.

You’re doing exactly that - the rational adult knows your dad wbu but your inner child is seeking to blame because that theoretically gives you back a sense of some control.

There was a similar dynamic in my house, and to a less explicit extent in DH’s home (probably why we attracted each other) and every time we spend time with them I do what I privately think of as a “batshittery debriefing” on the way home.

My df is gone now and I’m glad my dc got to know him because he had wonderful qualities. But it was a managed relationship.

He had asd, I am certain, as does my dsis, myself and my ds, so I’m not throwing that around flippantly. It definitely added complications though.

You need to keep your son away from this nasty piece of work, he sounds deliberately cruel and complete bully.

Your son will grow up thinking that is acceptable behaviour.

God knows what abuse your mum has to endure behind closed doors.

The point is that, as adults, we can control our behaviour. We can think about whether panic is either justified or helpful, and we can tell ourselves that, even if we feel fearful and panicky, it's not good fo children to see and hear that - let alone to hear a load of totally unproductive swearing. If we really can't control our panic, by the time we reach grandparenthood most of us have learnt that we need to take ourselves out of the way so as to avoid distress to others.

Constantly knocking on the door when you know that the occupant of the house is really busy is the act of a dickhead. It's enough to knock once and wait. It's completely irrelevant that her father didn't know she was emailing - he knew she was working. For all he knew, she was in the middle of an important phone conversation or an online meeting, or drafting a complex document.

Charlottenburger wow, I really wish I had your strength, I really do. He seems to have absolutely no idea what an impact his behaviour has had.... it's quite extraordinary. I just know if I retreat fully, and make it clear that's what the situation is it would be like a bomb going off in the family and I'd be more than caught in the blast.

My first reaction was, that sounds like someone with ASD. There again it might just be a man thing - some men behave inexplicably when distressed, turning a mildly bad situation into a terrible one.

My next thought was for your son. How distressing for him to experience that frightening explosion of anger, on top of the shock of falling downstairs. From a grandparent too.

There's no easy answer. You can't cut your dad out of your life without cutting out your mum too, to an extent. Equally, you and your family shouldn't have to suffer his extreme reactions and upsetting behaviour as if nothing's wrong.

If it were me I'd talk it through with a therapist. I know that's a long term, expensive solution and not always practical, but it should help you step back from the immediate situation and gain some perspective, so you can figure out the best way forward for you.

In the short term, I'd steer clear for a while and let your mum know why. Sounds like some calm facing of facts in the family is required. Best of luck OP, I think this is a much more common problem than we think.

My next thought was for your son. How distressing for him to experience that frightening explosion of anger, on top of the shock of falling downstairs. From a grandparent too

Yes your son's your priority - don't let anyone hurt him.

What the actual hell?! Your DS' grandfather sounds mental

Does he do this with adult men or is it just women and children?

If he does it with everyone then maybe he might be on the spectrum, but I highly doubt it, he sounds more like a bully.

I will repeat what I said the last time you posted this. Your dad panicked and reacted out of fear. It may have triggered something in him.

I think this is most likely the case. My dad (ND although not diagnosed with anything) does similar, although usually leaves now rather than blowing up when someone hurts themselves.

He would also say similar about ‘are you stressed?’and tease like this, even if really insensitive.

I find my dad hard to deal with, but my kids love him. It works to see him only on his terms in easy-ish situations.

Looks like he never learner to control his tantrums. Your 4 yeah old probably handles it better. I think you should have asked them not to come round and basically put in more boundaries in general. Would it have been possible to tell him he was being out of order while he was shouting? What would have happened?

Yea he’s a bully. Had the same (slightly less severe) but massive overreactions and belittling. I have some sympathy with your mum - mine is same, years living with that makes you an enabler unfortunately. I’m sorry OP. You’re right to be cross, you didn’t overreact (on either front), and thinking through your child’s continued relationship with them is probably needed. Less severe my end up I’ve taken to calling him out whenever he’s inappropriate in front of DD.

That makes no sense. People can't "think" about panic and whether they will do it. I am resolutely calm because that is who I am, but the whole point of panic is that it's a flooding of the primitive brain with adrenaline to prepare for fight or flight and not within our full conscious control. Think of it like PTSD - if you find fireworks triggering because you've been in combat, should you be able to "decide" not to be reduced to a whimpering cowering wreck by them?

Autistic people have limbic and sensory systems that are differently tuned to the typical, and different things can trigger panic or meltdown. Including, presumably, hearing your beloved grandchild clattering down the stairs at your home.

I mean yes he should have apologised once calm. But there's a reason why we see people who are hysterical being slapped round the face in films - in that moment, they are beyond thinking and outside of reason.

this!

I went to his funeral, and at the wake I said to my older sister, 'I wish I had seen him before he died' and she said 'Why? He was a bastard'. Some people overheard and looked embarrassed. I heard later that plenty of others agreed. Maybe that bomb needs to go off?

Your father is abusive.

Your mother is in an abusive relationship. I don’t really get all the hatred for her on the thread. Yes she is “an enabler” but it’s because it is a survival mechanism for her. She’s become used to deescalating him to protect herself and her kids, even if that doesn’t work as protection over the longer term. She’s become used to explaining to her children that “he loves you very much” because she realises he doesn’t act that way and she is trying to protect you.

Obviously your first priority needs to be yourself and your DS, but please consider taking privately to your DM about this, and possibly signposting her to some help.

How on earth do you think emotional incontinence is connected with academic ability?

You don't need to be a mature, balanced adult to read Ancient Greek. (Boris Johnson does!)

He sounds like a nightmare. I would definitely take a break from him for a while, and if he notices and asks why - tell him! If he doesn't notice, once you've had a bit of a break and feel ready to talk about it, sit him down and set out your expectations; basic respect, no shouting or swearing in your/DS's presence, no poking and anyone knocking on your door for more than 3 seconds will be ignored and denied entrance - or whatever rules you want to set.

It's fine to put some boundaries in with your parents, alien as it may feel. I have recently learned to do so with my DM and am feeling much happier and more relaxed as a result - and I've managed to do it without falling out with her!

If you want peace in your life, minimise contact with your dad, who sounds like a gaslighting bully.

I would especially limit the time your dad is around your DS; he shouldn't be exposed to your dad's behaviour, and worse still be expected to behave as if it is normal.

Yep. I'm dying to know if this overbearing male knocks like the Death Watch on every door, or only those of women he considers subservient to him.

Am pretty gobsmacked by the flood of "spectrummy" replies here. Are we now to expect that people with ASDs behave like rude, entitled, inconsiderate twats - and must be excused, whatever damage they do?
Surely not?!

FWIW, other options are available. I have reason to believe my rude, overbearing bully of a dad was on a spectrum: the sociopathic one.

He sounds dreadful and your mother enables him.

This is abuse you need to set down boundaries and protect your child. The moment he swears or is abusive you leave immediately no explanations or excuses just leave.

I would refuse to see both of them until you get a proper apology, your Dads behaviour is abusive, the poking is outrageous.
I'd then go very low contact.
I hope you're both ok.