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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I apologise 20 years later for a dress? (very trivial)

167 replies

DressRegret · 18/05/2023 18:15

I know now that the dress I wore to my best friend's wedding was inappropriate, and since I realised, I've been quietly cringing. I even did a reading at the church in it (don't ask how I didn't realise at the time it was inappropriate - I was just an idiot, I suppose, and genuinely it didn't cross my mind that "dress for wedding" and "dress to go out in" differed).

WIBU to apologise after 20 years, or will it just remind her what a nob I was?!

NB I know the DRESS was U, but would a 20-year-old apology be?

YABU - you shouldn't apologise, it will only remind her. Or you don't need to.
YANBU - yes, apologise

The dress was very much like this: Bow Sweetheart Elegant Bodycon Polyester Mini Dresses (295285804) - JJ's House (jjshouse.co.uk)

[£ 33.00] Bow Sweetheart Elegant Bodycon Polyester Mini Dresses - JJ's House

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https://www.jjshouse.co.uk/Bow-Sweetheart-Elegant-Bodycon-Polyester-Mini-Dresses-295285804-g285804/?utm_term=285804&utm_size=XL&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=18&ggplm=&gclid=Cj0KCQjwmZejBhC_ARIsAGhCqnck6rf4B0Hc3hnjqLQBAb6zruzDaoTUPVcwF2mlZS-nQIzNlGIkqPEaAqGbEALw_wcB&ucid=3858

OP posts:
snoozingbaby1476 · 19/05/2023 08:09

I don't understand why people worry about this. At my wedding my friend wore a white dress....admittedly she did mention it first but I was really surprised she was concerned. The day is about the bride & groom. People might comment on someone's outfit but that doesn't mean they take the shine off the happy couple.
At another wedding I saw a lady wearing all black including a black hat! Obviously we commented on it but it is what is & knowing her as I do it completely summed up her personality if I'm honest.

virginpinkmartini · 19/05/2023 08:11

I went to a wedding where someone wore a dress that could only be described as a stripper dress/ club wear. I mentioned this to a friend who was not part of the wedding and she said, quite rightly, that if she didn't wear it maliciously to upstage the bride (she likely didn't, she was quite a nice person), then who cares. It might have been all she had or maybe that's what makes her feel good to wear.
Your dress is light years away from that OP, and your intentions were clearly not bad. Hopefully you get closure lol. I know what it's like to fixate on old cringey scenarios (especially in bed as I'm trying to sleep)

Olindia · 19/05/2023 08:12

This is so true! We went to a wedding last month and my husband was wearing the exact same suit and colours as the grooms men, he just made a joke about standing in if there was a man down and they all laughed 😂

Walkaround · 19/05/2023 08:16

Did your friend complain about it to you, or something? If not, I’m not sure why it’s bothered you for so long! I should imagine there will have been people at the wedding who thought it was inappropriate, and others who thought it looked lovely. Presumably your friend knew you well enough to have an idea you might dress like that (unless, of course, you ignored a specific request not to wear anything clingy or low-cut). If she was surprised by your choice, have you never married so that you can give her a chance for a bit of revenge? 🤣

Saschka · 19/05/2023 08:17

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 19/05/2023 08:02

If it makes you feel better when I was young and didn’t know better I went to my friends wedding in a white dress. It was a tea length dress with large coloured flowers on it. I cringe but what’s done is done. I was 21, naive and didn’t know that white dresses were a no no!

White background with coloured flowers is absolutely fine. It is plain white faux-bridal “it should have been meeee!” dresses that are the problem.

And the problem with “slutty” dresses (for want of a better description) is that it looks like an attempt to take the attention off the bride. So it really depends on what everyone else was wearing. If the other 200 guests are in floaty tea dresses and you are in a red pvc catsuit, you’re inappropriate. If it is the mid 00s and everyone under 40 is in a clingy Jane Norman dress (which they were, from memory), a red body con dress is absolutely fine and unremarkable.

Bogggle · 19/05/2023 08:19

If op had posted this in style & beauty asking if it was acceptable for a wedding the responses would be so different! Most posters on there say it is a sin to wear anything tight, anything red, anything that shows even a hint of boob. So many rules

silverfullmoon · 19/05/2023 08:22

Bogggle · 19/05/2023 08:19

If op had posted this in style & beauty asking if it was acceptable for a wedding the responses would be so different! Most posters on there say it is a sin to wear anything tight, anything red, anything that shows even a hint of boob. So many rules

To be fair though, MN is not representative of the people I know. Most people wouldnt give a crap about all these silly "rules" because they arent that uptight and rigid. Ive seen plenty of people wear stuff like this to weddings, the world didnt end, noone was upset, and noone lost friends because of it.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 19/05/2023 08:23

I haven't been to a wedding in a few years but attended lots in the 90's and 2000's and lots of people wore tight dresses, cleavage out, black dresses, high high heels, lots of lovely colours including green, it was just 'young people clothing' at that time. My mum got married in a mini-dress. The idea of wedding clothes meaning looking like Princess Catharine at all times is only something I've been exposed to on MN. Mother of the bride dresses have always been terrible.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/05/2023 08:26

YABU to give this headspace after two decades.

Undertherock · 19/05/2023 08:27

I’ve been on MN a long time and over the years the rules have been

No white (you’re not the bride)

  • also no ivory, cream, light taupe, pastel yellow
No black (it’s not a funeral)
  • remember navy and darker shades of grey might look black in photos
No red ( you might stand out)
  • also reconsider hot pink and orange
Not form fitting (might be read as an attempt to distract the groom) Not too much cleavage No glitter or sequins Not too short Not princessy

I’m sure I’ve missed a few.

Most normal people are delighted if you come to their wedding and make an effort to dress up. And it’s impossible not to know who the bride is. My sil was married in a blue cocktail dress and it’s still completely obvious in all the photos.

lionsleepstonight · 19/05/2023 08:29

Don't worry about it I wore a white dress about 25 years ago. Genuinely did not realise it was not the done thing. I try to reassure myself that as it was a linen shift dress it didn't look remotely 'bridal'. But I still cringe, especially when I come on here and everyone froths at the mouth about it.

Saschka · 19/05/2023 08:29

Bogggle · 19/05/2023 08:19

If op had posted this in style & beauty asking if it was acceptable for a wedding the responses would be so different! Most posters on there say it is a sin to wear anything tight, anything red, anything that shows even a hint of boob. So many rules

The people on style and beauty are not 20yr olds in 2003 though… bodycon, galaxy dresses and bandage dresses were everywhere. You couldn’t buy a floaty tea dress unless you bought vintage.

mosiacmaker · 19/05/2023 08:31

That is fine for a wedding! I once went to a wedding with a lot of serious fashionistas and one wore a sheer black dress, like a fine black mesh, that you could see bra and undies through. No one batted an eyelid (except me obviously as I am telling you now 😂)

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 19/05/2023 08:31

I'd think you were deranged if I was the bride 🤣. How can you even remember what you wore at weddings, I can't remember what I wore to weddings in the past 5 years (unless I looked through pics). I certainly couldn't tell you what anyone wore to my wedding and it was only 8 years ago.

I was thinking you'd worn a wedding dress.

Jemandthehologramsunite · 19/05/2023 08:32

Bogggle · 19/05/2023 08:19

If op had posted this in style & beauty asking if it was acceptable for a wedding the responses would be so different! Most posters on there say it is a sin to wear anything tight, anything red, anything that shows even a hint of boob. So many rules

Totally agree with you!! MN is bonkers!

LadyH846 · 19/05/2023 08:35

Absolutely no-one will care, especially not 20 years later. Honestly they are all too busy worrying about themselves.

fireflyloo · 19/05/2023 08:36

The dress is fine.

tatteddear · 19/05/2023 08:37

What's wrong with it??

Nomorecarrots · 19/05/2023 08:38

If I mentioned this to a mate 20 years later we would have pissed our selves laughing. Maybe noted that ‘well I was 20
ish and looking to bag a love of my life too!’ Ect…. Literally no one would have given it another thought, perhaps the odd Perv whose day you properly made in all the bore of a traditional wedding …. I say you owned it and who wouldn’t love to reminisce what a babe they looked in their 20’s. Ps also reminisce what a brave 20 year old you were to do a reading for a friend at such a special time … that’s the memory to focus on here x

Cathotels · 19/05/2023 08:38

I went to my DH nieces wedding in a white maxi skirt and white and silver striped top, I was struggling to find anything to fit me at the time. This was 17 years ago and I still cringe regularly about it, I have no idea what I was thinking, my Mum came shopping with me and didn’t say a word about it being inappropriate and I think I was just so grateful I’d found something to fit I wore it 😳😳😳

It’s one of those 3am mortification moments still.

A red bodycon dress is fine in comparison

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/05/2023 08:46

Two seperate issues here:

  1. Was this appropriate for (that particular) church? It looks quite low cut and shoulders are an issue in some churches.
  1. Was this appropriate for a day time wedding? Red can be considered inappropriate in some cultures for wedding guests. It can apparently mean that you had an intimate relationship with the groom...

I personally stay away from an entire outfit it bright red. Not due the infidelity/ affair connotation. But it's not recommended where I'm from due to it being a very attention grabbing colour (black however is fine here😂)

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 19/05/2023 08:48

No, I don't think there's any reason to apologise now.

It may have been a little (and just a little) inappropriate. But it was 20 years ago! She probably remembers the reading fondly and wasn't upset about your dress (I personally wouldn't have been).

DappledThings · 19/05/2023 08:53

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 19/05/2023 08:02

If it makes you feel better when I was young and didn’t know better I went to my friends wedding in a white dress. It was a tea length dress with large coloured flowers on it. I cringe but what’s done is done. I was 21, naive and didn’t know that white dresses were a no no!

That's much more appropriate than this one.

BonnieBobbin · 19/05/2023 08:58

I think you should apologise - just to give your friend a laugh. I'd find it hilarious that my friend was feeling so guilty about what she wore to my wedding that she'd went online and wanted to make an apology twenty years later Grin

Fingeronthebutton · 19/05/2023 09:03

I can’t believe educated intelligent women believe this shite.
They’re having a laugh.

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