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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lodger and booby traps

510 replies

Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 15:25

Hi

I have had a lodger for the past year , clean tidy and shares house.

I have an ensuite so she generally has main bathroom to herself. She does not I stress have an ensuite , she shares main bathroom and usually has to herself

In the past year a handful if visitors have used the main bathroom and this really upsets her and she will then loudly and obviously start cleaning it and disinfecting it and sighing , this could be when someone has just washed their hands , I'm not talking about leaving a filthy toilet etc

Realised yesetrday she has wedged toilet paper in the bathroom door so she can see if ils been opened and toilet paper around the toilet seat so she can see if it has been lifted

Hasn't spoken to me about any of this, if someone's used that bathroom she will clean up noisily, spray air freshener everywhere and not speak to me for a while

I know it's weird , I can't stop visitors using the main bathroom unless I tell them to use my ensuite , had a friend over at the weekend and did actually do that so as not to cause issues ..but they look at me like I'm crazy

Apart from this she is great, but I'm thinking it's bloody odd , it makes visitors feel really awkward !

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 19/05/2023 02:23

It's your property, you have made the main bathroom conditions quite clear. She has turned it into an issue with her explicit cleaning after one of your guests uses what she obviously sees as 'her' bathroom. This is unacceptable and I agree that it would be best if she moved out.

starfishmummy · 19/05/2023 03:10

She wants to stay in zone 1 but can't afford rental on an ensuite , get where she is coming from, as to what to do, I don't know

Surely what to do is simple. Either she stops the ridiculous behaviour or she leaves

blahblahblah1654 · 19/05/2023 03:50

She's paying a bargain price and expecting the world. I would definitely stand your ground, she can find somewhere else if she's not happy and she'll be paying a hell of a lot more.

DreamTheMoors · 19/05/2023 04:23

@Hoppygolightly

If you do decide to have a chat with your lodger, don’t apologize.
Don’t say I’m sorry, but… or I apologize, but..
Just say what you have to say.

Too many times we begin with an unwarranted apology.

user1492757084 · 19/05/2023 04:25

Explain that it is unreasonable and non sustainable for her to object when others use the shared bathroom.
Discuss whether she thinks this is the right fit for her living arrangements. She might have to leave.
Discuss cleaning of the main bathroom.
Do you supply cleaning products and paper?
Do you take a turn and clean that bathroom every month?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 19/05/2023 04:35

Seems like she has issues with ocd and germs and just has to clean it if someone has sat on the loo which is fine but leaving the paper in the door is obsession. Just talk to her and see if that is the case and you can sort it out.

Marchitectmummy · 19/05/2023 04:36

Who cleans the bathroom regularly? If she is the only one cleaning it, I can see why she's annoyed.

In saying that your flat and your boundaries.

Whichnumbers · 19/05/2023 04:40

as I don't want the passive aggressive behaviour afterwards

id ask why she is displaying passive aggressive behaviour after your guests in your home have use your bathroom?

it’s making you uncomfortable to have guest homes and can’t continue as you’re friends will stop coming round if the lidger cleans the bathroom after they’ve had a wee and washed there hands

id give her a shit sandwich, tell her you really like her living with you, start with something nice

tell her it’s not acceptable to do the passive agreesive toilet cleaning and finish telling her something nice about her - softens the blow. Also helps if you don’t like confrontation

wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 04:42

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/05/2023 15:55

Eh… I’d just leave her to her aggressive cleaning if she’s otherwise ok.

I would put a stop to the leaving toilet paper everywhere though.. tell her you’ll let her know if visitors have been so she can clean if that’s her thing.

Yes me too.

I think I'd ask her to knock the sighing on the head though!

JennyJenny8675309 · 19/05/2023 05:17

sillyonehetpes · 18/05/2023 16:10

This is often the case.

If she's good just ask guests to use your bathroom.

Oh you don't like that.... well maybe she doesn't either

It is the OP’s house and the cheeky mare is a lodger. That’s the point. She is entitled to the terms of the original agreement and nothing more. Whether the OP would dislike guests using her en-suite is irrelevant.

pictoosh · 19/05/2023 05:47

You are such a doormat! Apologies for being blunt but you are.

There you are asking guests to use the ensuite to appease her. If she huffs and sighs and cleans, let her. Ignore it. Cheerfully direct your visitors to the bathroom in your house ffs. She'll have to suck it up.

Scirocco · 19/05/2023 06:03

I'm disappointed @Hoppygolightly . When I read 'booby traps', I was expecting buckets of water balanced above doors, cellophane on the toilet seat... She needs to try harder.

user1477391263 · 19/05/2023 06:22

Yeah, I was expected some kind of "True Crime" buildup story where the OP had spotted the lodger loosening the stair rods or tampering with the brakes on her car!

Hope you can get it sorted, OP. I am sure OCD is no fun, but you have feelings as well, and it's not nice to be made to feel like this in your own home.

Ducatifan · 19/05/2023 06:24

sillyonehetpes · 18/05/2023 21:01

Your costs haven't gone up in a year though. And this housing crisis has been happening for a very lone time,

Show quote history

Have you been living under a rock? Almost everyone’s costs have gone up.

I am fortunate to have secured a 5 year fixed on my mortgage just before the increases last summer. If I hadn’t my mortgage would be huge. Electricity costs are huge. Council tax has gone up. Eating costs have all gone up.

SpringIntoChaos · 19/05/2023 07:07

sillyonehetpes · 18/05/2023 16:10

This is often the case.

If she's good just ask guests to use your bathroom.

Oh you don't like that.... well maybe she doesn't either

Oh behave!! She's a lodger...she doesn't own the fucking bathroom!! The main bathroom is for anyone to use...usually off a hallway...an en-suite is a private bathroom attached to a bedroom! Not many people want visitors traipsing through their bedroom, which might have personal items visible, so that the lodger can have sole use of the house bathroom!

SisterWivesrus · 19/05/2023 07:11

She just wants to know if someone else has used the bathroom so she can clean it.

ittakes2 · 19/05/2023 07:16

I have ocd and it sounds like she might have a germ phobia ie because she needs to know if bathroom has been used and needs to clean if she does

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 19/05/2023 07:25

ittakes2 · 19/05/2023 07:16

I have ocd and it sounds like she might have a germ phobia ie because she needs to know if bathroom has been used and needs to clean if she does

Then she can do it discreetly.

Dovetail40 · 19/05/2023 07:29

If she wants sole use increase her rent accordingly.

peachicecream · 19/05/2023 07:33

At the end of the day you didn't advertise the room with its own private bathroom. If she wants a private bathroom then she needs to find somewhere that offers that.

You've done nothing wrong and need to be a bit more assertive.

rwalker · 19/05/2023 07:36

There is no fix she pays for a shared bathroom and that what she gets

the compromise would be she can clean it after they’ve gone

tell her it’s got to the point where your friends feel uncomfortable and reluctant to come round

olympicsrock · 19/05/2023 07:47

Big pants on OP. This is your lodger’s problem and she is being unreasonable. If she doesn’t like it she should leave and OP can put the tent up.
Don’t be uncomfortable in your own home

CabernetSauvignon · 19/05/2023 07:52

sillyonehetpes · 18/05/2023 21:10

Council tax max 5% and apart from SC the rest isn't that much.

What world are you living in? Mortgage interest rates have shot up over the past year, so have fuel costs.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 19/05/2023 07:52

rwalker · 19/05/2023 07:36

There is no fix she pays for a shared bathroom and that what she gets

the compromise would be she can clean it after they’ve gone

tell her it’s got to the point where your friends feel uncomfortable and reluctant to come round

That's what she wants.

CabernetSauvignon · 19/05/2023 07:56

sillyonehetpes · 18/05/2023 16:10

This is often the case.

If she's good just ask guests to use your bathroom.

Oh you don't like that.... well maybe she doesn't either

If she doesn't like sharing a bathroom with the occasional visitor, she needs to find lodgings with an en-suite and pay for them. She can't expect to force her landlady to give up a communal bathroom by making landlady and her guests feel so uncomfortable.

I wonder how she copes with shared facilities at work and in shops etc?