To refuse to be responsible for everyone else's happiness on holiday?

[Acunningruse]

I love, love, love holidays. But I find the crushing weight of being the person responsible for everything to do with holidays absolutely unbearable.

• actually booking the holiday
• sorting tickets for attractions etc
• travel/parking

-making sure kids have enough clothes/shoes that fit

• making sure everything is washed clean before we go
• packing (have made life harder for myself this year as we have overnight ferry, 3 nights at theme park then a week Eurocamp)

-packing all the items we need for a week self catering -kids toys and books etc

To be fair DH sorts passports, insurance and EHIC

Kids are 6 and 10 and this year I Do NOT want to hear the words "mummy did you bring my..."

AIBU to give them a bag and say pack this?

I have a 1yo, an 8yo and an 11yo. Also a 42yo. I don’t trust the 1yo to pack for herself, but I do leave the 42yo to it and usually we find ourselves on day 3 scouring markets for all the things he “just thought I’d pick up when we get there” 🤦🏻‍♀️

For the older children, I throw the cases on my bed and order categories of items to be brought to me.

“Everyone bring me 10 pairs of underpants and 10 pairs of socks”

Once it is done, they get to go on their iPads. They will literally do anything for their iPads.

My DH packs his own stuff and does nothing else. I pack for me and 2 teens. I have to sort a mini first aid box to take, I carry a rucksack on the plane with chargers etc for everyone,I take currency (DH is happy to turn up with no currency and pay for everything on credit card. You cannot pay for things like taxis etc on a card but this never occurs to him), i sort suncream for me and teens. DH only does his own. I sort house ready to leave it for a few weeks. When we get home I unpack for me and teens and wash it all.

I hear you OP

I don’t mind the packing so much, though it’s a bit of a pain. I do get the DC involved if I can but often we leave the day they finish school so I need to pack while they’re not around.

It’s more the choosing and the logistics. We don’t do package AI holidays (have tried and DH hated, I didn’t like much either) so there’s a lot of researching where to stay, where to eat out/get food, what trips to do, transport, opening times, booking tickets in advance etc. I do all of this and I end up feeling responsible if I’ve picked a dud or forgotten to book something.

I also deal with flights/transport booking which has been quite complicated the past few years with covid and lots of cancellations from the airlines.

I think it’s the feeling responsible if something doesn’t go right that bothers me. To be fair DH and DC don’t blame me but I end up feeling cross with myself. Maybe this is just my issue.

I have a packing list here and for every holiday I just update it (as in for a citybreak or sun hol etc) and print out copies for the kids. They are teens now but they have been packing themselves since they were younger. I do naturally check what they have packed afterwards but it gave them some independence.

Me and dp work off the lists too but ours will include meds and contact lenses and things.
DP though does all the booking of holidays. He knows what we like and knows our budgets so he books the hotels/flights/seats/transfers and I arrange the airport parking and lounges where applicable. I would not dream of taking it all into my own hands to do it all. He is also a grown adult.

In our house Passports, Ehic etc are in a pouch in a cupboard full of travel stuff. Travel insurance is included on credit card. For me to “sort passports and ehic” is walking to utility room, opening a cupboard and picking up the pouch.

what your husband is doing is basically fuck all. He can sort the travel, surely. Or he could start getting involved in the packing.

I bet you do all the meal planning stuff too don’t you?

I put the kids’ suitcase in the living room and give them tasks. Go get five tshirts and five pairs of shorts that you like wearing together. Well done. Now go find 5 pairs of underwear and clean pyjamas etc.

They sort out their own toys and books.

They are seven and eight.

I started off buy buying travel packing bags/cubes. Each child had its own colour. It made it more fun and they bought into the fact they had to think about what they needed. Made a master list (Still have it on the computer, kids now in 20s!) which could be customised depending on destination and printed off... Car hire/insurance can be delegated to DH with deadlines in diary...

I still pack for my teens. They will give me things they specifically want to take, but the making sure everyone has enough pants socks swimwear sun creams toiletries deodorants clothes for day v night suitable shoes hats headphones sunglasses etc. I make sure we have it all. Thats my role as a parent. Its frustrating trying to pack and organise for 4 people, and im a single parent so no other adult, making sure transport passports insurance money everything is arranged. But its worth that stress for a family holiday of lovely memories.

I pack everything bar my husbands clothes and toiletries as he is an adult. He sorts clothes & irons usually the night before & chucks toiletries in a bag before we leave. A couple of times he’a forgotten stuff but thats on him. I pack mine & the kids & iron it all usually the day before we go as i’m also last minute & pack. I pack shared toiletries too like toothpaste and shampoo - my kids will be told what to bring e.g new socks, 10 pairs of pants, 6 tshirts whatever and they will collect the bits and bring them but thats it even my 12 year old. The only way to make sure we have everything is a list which they make in a pile including any shoes or jackets & swim wear & i work from each pile a kid at a time. I wouldn’t trust my husband to do it lol. Last year we did a sort of road trip (UK) so 3 separate lots of luggage which was fun organising…not. If we go self catering i pack a lot of stuff for that (pasta, tins beans etc for quick lunches)

I absolutely get where you are coming from OP!

Reading things like this nowadays makes me cross with myself that I did the same for so many years.

I would suggest the holidays, and which dates we could go on. I’d ask husband where and when he thought we should go … “I don’t mind” he would say.
Narrow it down to certain hotels and ask which he preferred (‘I don’t mind’), etc, etc…
I would spend hours and hours trying to get the perfect place booked.
I always paid for the holiday (I earn much more than him).
Arranged and paid for car parking.
Sorted passports, visas, insurance, etc. Food too if self-catering.
Got suitcases/bags ready, did all washing (3 kids too).
Asked him to pack his bag … (“I’ll do it later”) … In reality, he’d be doing it at 10pm the night before we left.
I would supervise kids doing their packing, then check and check again that we had everything. And feel awful if I did end up missing anything.

To be fair, husband would pack the car.

I ended up exhausted, worried, and not enjoy the process at all. Usually enjoyed the holiday, but never looked forward to going home as I knew I’d have all the washing and sorting out to do when we got home.

Now 2 of the kids have left home, and I’m cringing at how much I used to be taken for granted by my husband. I refuse to go on holiday with him now, unless he contributes financially at least a bit. He has to do his own packing. And I’m planning lots of solo holidays for myself.

Please get you family to help you. Make lists, and remind them that they have responsibilities too. It will pay off in the end!

We went on a Broads boating holiday once; my DH didn't actually forget his pants, but left them in his suitcase, which in turn was left in the car after we embarked. Had to buy new ones.

I disagree that my role as a parent is to pack for teenagers. My role is to teach my children how they can do it themselves by the time they are teenagers.

I do all this for family holidays (DH sorts anything tech related and packs his own stuff and kids throw a few favourite books and toys in). I don't mind doing it. But by golly everyone knows better than to complain about what I've packed.

I used to put their bags in their rooms a week or so before and let them write their own lists and pack and then cross out on their lists. They loved it. I checked their bags and added what more was needed etc.

By the time they were teenagers I no longer had to check their bags, even for really long trips (we travelled a lot).

6 is too young to pack. Friends did this when they stayed with us. Theirs packed one pair of knickers for 4 days and they kept asking to borrow our daughter’s stuff.
10 year old can pack with a list but you still need to get it all ready.

When I read the title I thought that you were responsible for arranging entertainment and events for an adult group holiday with random friends moaning about how bored they are or never want to step out. I am afraid, depending on the children, you and your husband should sort the bags or as other posters have pointed out give a list to the children. Why doesn't he sort out the venues' tickets? DH has a list of things we need to take with us.

I disagree. My role as a parent is to teach my children (especially when they are as old as teenagers) to be independent.

Packing for teens 😳. The last bag I packed for my DDs was their year 6 trip.

You’ll end up like a friend of mine …. packing her DS’s case for a lads trip to ibiza … he’s 19 🤣

I’m the same as you OP. I organise everything and can’t let go of control enough to let the kids do their own packing (or even worse let DH pack the kids stuff as he regularly forgets his own stuff!)

I make lists for clothes and get the kids to help pack them. I do it one kid at a time. I say what they need to get, they go and get it, we put it in the bag and tick it off together. Swimming costume…tick!

For other stuff like games and books and soft toys, I get the kids to make a list with my help. They pack all that stuff themselves and while it’s their responsibility to remember everything I do ask a few questions. We all still remember the year they packed the switch and forgot to bring the controllers 😂

I do all the arranging for us and clothes packing for me and Ds (7.5) usually. Dh does his own and always forgets stuff, but I don’t care as he’s responsible for his own stuff

I make Ds choose and pack his own toys / stuffed animals and books which he’s used to now, and he’s responsible for choosing any audio books or Netflix stuff for download with dh - he knows if he doesn’t do it, he won’t have anything!

Ive started asking / making dh plan and look for activities and restaurants etc in advance, as I’m sick of doing it all. Last trip he managed to pick a nice restaurant but it wasn’t suitable for kids (hushed tones type place) but we just got on with it. It was v liberating to be the one to say ‘so what we doing today then?’

Really? 😂😂 My 20-year old will be travelling around the world with a friend, maybe I should suggest to him that I’ll pack his backpack for him!

We have a spread sheet for self catering holidays and I have a holiday drawer that has travel toiletries, chargers, adaptors, and other bits and pieces that are only used on holiday.
I used to do the DC packing with them and put a list of what was in the case in the side pocket.
By the time they were about 10 they could do it by themselves with just a quick check by me.
I think 6 is a bit too young, but you train them by supervising them until they can manage.
Holidays with children really aren't holidays though IME. It is hard work and not restful at all, even though the different experiences can be fun.

This
stop whingeing

YANBU. Discuss with kids what tbey need. Get them to write it down as you talk about it. Let them get on with it. Responsibility is good for children. Don't be like my friend who still packs for her 18yo twins.