To refuse to be responsible for everyone else's happiness on holiday?

[Acunningruse]

I love, love, love holidays. But I find the crushing weight of being the person responsible for everything to do with holidays absolutely unbearable.

• actually booking the holiday
• sorting tickets for attractions etc
• travel/parking

-making sure kids have enough clothes/shoes that fit

• making sure everything is washed clean before we go
• packing (have made life harder for myself this year as we have overnight ferry, 3 nights at theme park then a week Eurocamp)

-packing all the items we need for a week self catering -kids toys and books etc

To be fair DH sorts passports, insurance and EHIC

Kids are 6 and 10 and this year I Do NOT want to hear the words "mummy did you bring my..."

AIBU to give them a bag and say pack this?

I have a packing list, which I hand to the DC. At primary age, I sat in their room and answered questions like do I need a swimming costume while they found things, ticked them off the list, packed them.

Over the years I’ve done less and less, and by secondary age they’re packing independently and ticking off the list as they go. I do still check passports, medication and money, as those you can’t buy at the destination.

Sorting passports, insurance and Ehic takes 5 minutes (if you are normally on top of your admin)

everything you do however is the proper wife work, the full mental load!

Does your DH normally leave most of this mental load to you? Can he step it up? Can you at least make him more aware?

My DC can pretty much sort their things out. I give the 6 year old a list and she gets it all out and puts it on the bed, I then check it as it goes in the bag. Older DD who is 12 sorts herself out, but she’s been doing the list/me saying you need X for as long as I can remember. I’ve gradually stopped checking as much as she’s got older and reliable.
Same with toys and games. They enjoy packing as it’s a novelty and they’re excited about the holiday. I loathe it, so I try and harness their excitement.

I thoughts EHICs weren’t a thing anymore?

Suggest that you sit down with DH and make a list together under different categories

Your clothes
His clothes
Kids clothes
Toys (make this list with your kids)
Travel (in transit/hand luggage)
Household stuff for camping (eg salt and pepper/ pegs/ washing up,liquid)
Important /vital (eg passport )

Then keep that list and use the relevant bits every year.

Then delegate the bits of the list for people to collect and use the checklist to make sure it's all in the bag(s)

3 tshirts/undies/socks each + swimming stuff and iPads.
10 mins max?
Don't think kids bother too much about matching outfits when running round a camp and, as DH seems to think, you're not going to the wilds of Borneo & can pop into a local supermarket if needed.

YANBU.

When our kids were small we had a Word doc packing list that I printed off before each trip. DH and I were constantly exhausted due to work so it meant neither of us forgot things. It was an all seasons list, so we’d strike through the winter clothing in summer and vice versa. As they got older we handed the list to the kids and they packed their own bags. It’s a useful life skill so good to get them started asap. We bought DS1 (16) extra pants at the airport last year just in case because he’d packed all his underwear in his checked bag and we had a tight transfer, but otherwise it’s been fine. A few idiosyncratic outfits but no harm done.

My 4yo packs with me and chooses his tshirts etc as im packing. I tell him how many pairs of pants and socks he needs but I also choose anything he specifically needs so we teamwork it for now but I'd maybe start doing similar or asking them to choose however many outfits they need then you can check and add / remove things they do /don't need

Yours are young but my top tip to teach them to pack is make them join scouts. My eldest when on first cub camp and didn't know what he had in his bag because I had packed it was a steep learning curve. He soon learnt.

I gave each kid a list , and have a master one for the family . I keep it on the notes app, so have a 'summer ' winter ' ski ' one etc . When the kids went on school trips I'd print it out for them so they could keep track and ensure they brought back everything they left with .
DH does his own .
it's a big mental
load , but I was definitely the best at it . No one ever dared ask me wistfully if I had brought xxxx though that made me murderous

I used to give my kids a list of stuff to pack - they could put in extra stuff if it would fit, but that covered the essentials!
Your 10yo is definitely ready for this, but you will probably need to help your 6yo.

@Carriemac - that’s what I used to do!

This is what I do, too. I've also put them in charge of sorting their entertainment bags. Mine are 10 and 12 now,so it's mainly electronics, but DC2 will bring some small toys to play with (things like SuperZings/SuperThings in a sandwich bag are a good space saver).

Spread some of the other loads between you and your husband.

We will usually:

Book it whilst sat together. I will have done all of the research ahead of time, but I love doing that, so it's no chore to me.
At the point of booking, we do it together and work through the list of what we need to book for the whole trip. Skiing is a good example of lots of moving parts with lessons/hire/lift passes to book on top of travel and accommodation.

DH always sorts airport parking if we fly.

I sort clothes and do the washing.

Packing as above
Admittedly, I do pack for DH as we share a wardrobe, and it's no bother to get his stuff out at the same time as mine. He's a simple creature who just wants a clean t-shirt and underwear daily. He has learned not to complain if I do forget something as he'll be invited to do it himself next time.

If we drive (we drive to France twice a year, once to a Eurocamp), he does all of the driving, so once we get in the car, it's over to him and I can sit back and relax.

In terms of the entertainment bag in the car, we did a long drive at Easter (14 hours spread over 2 days), and it was actually much more effective to have a big bag for life in the middle of the back seat. I chucked all the electronics plus a lunchbox each of snacks, etc, and told them to help themselves.

Easter was also the first time I implemented a packing tip to save space. Instead of suitcases, we all had a bag for life each (different colours for easy identification). All the clothes went in there. We took our own linen so that and ski jackets/salopettes/gloves went in a huge vacuum bag. That went on the bottom of the boot, and the bags for life went on top. I had a fifth bag for life that was for our overnight stop, so I only needed to get that out of the car when we arrived there. We had a holdall for 'kitchen' stuff. So teabags, washing up liquid, teatowels. The usual.

Bags for life are cavernous, and it was genuinely a game changer for ease and organisation. They're not glamorous, but who cares? Who's looking? We'd been putting our dirty clothes in one all week, so when it came to going home, that went in the car as it was, and anything clean was chucked in others. They squish down in the car so you don't end up with stuff crammed into the passenger footwells because the boot is full.

Sorry, tangent. Ultimately, get them more involved, and if you're driving, chuck everything in bags for life to save the stress of packing it all neatly.

Allocate before and after jobs...you pack, he unpacks, you do the shopping, he does the laundry when you get home, you plan travel, he does the driving.

We have a list saved. Then anyone can pack and tick things off the list. Even the kids and then you can check it. It takes some of the mental 'what do I need' stress away.

Why are you not delegating more? Yes it means you're still ultimately responsible however why dont you say 'right I've booked the theme park for 2 days. Please can you find and book somewhere within x minutes drive to stay and sort out parking as well, by next weekend, budget is x'

My husband has quite different ideas about holidays and maybe doesn't choose what I'd have chosen, but sometimes that's good. Sometimes we save money because he thinks about some different options.

I still organise and book days out as he completely lacks imagination in that department but he is good at researching all travel options etc

Ooh I bet that showed him.🙄

Yes, this is me. It's a holiday, you don't have to walk around looking crumpled in your old clothes. If anything, we want to look nice as we've saved for these two weeks away.

My brother let's his two girls pack their own cases and the stuff they pack... sparkly Christmas dresses, unmatching skirts and tops and 101 teddies. They end up having to buy stuff when they're away but don't seem to learn it would be easier to pack for the kids themselves 🤷‍♀️

Kids are 6 and 10 and this year I Do NOT want to hear the words "mummy did you bring my..."

AIBU to give them a bag and say pack this?

Yes YABU, 6 and 10 is not old enough to have the executive function/ forward thinking to pack for their own holiday without supervision.

An ex colleague of mine would still pack for her dh (in his 50s) because on the one occasion she suggested doing it himself, he forgot something vital - socks or pants - and was hyper grumpy at having to go and buy whatever it was. All her fault for not doing it in the first place, of course. 🤬

I once completely forgot to pack any knickers when we were going to a wedding in the Czech Rep. Have never been so pleased in my life to see an M&S, when I found one in Wenceslas Square.

Agree with others, get kids to get what they think they need in the bed. Tell them where you are going what you will be doing to encourage them to think.

Part, well most if this, is teaching your children to think about what they will need. Don't give a list, it's still someone else's responsibility.

Lastly I cannot believe people pack fir their husbands- what are you showing your children!

i Am great at packing so will do that - I have a system and like to distribute all of our stuff over two cases in case one gets lost . But I’ll get my 4 and 6 year old to do their hand luggage with a bit of a check. I do the same if we’re going for a weekend and they want a little bag for the car. There have been some interesting choices from the little one but it’s quite a good way to learn. The one thing they never miss out is snacks.

DH has gone away with no spare Tshirts once, and no spare pants another time, so I empathise. The way we do it in our house, I have a document on my phone of the things we take away; everything from toiletries and towels through clothes and toys, and things we left at PIL flat are listed so that I remember what's actually there. I've even reordered it for packing efficiency once. We all get together and I read off "towels" so DS gets the 3 towels that DH packs, "7 days pants" so all 3 of us get pants in a pile on the bed, then "at least two jumpers" etc. My 5yo is already the most efficient of the three of us, and usually way ahead of the list so he's running round collecting toys while we still pick out tops, though his concept of folding leaves a lot to be desired.

Mine are 7 and 9 and have been packing their own things for ages - and all I need to do is tell them where we are going and for how many days. To be fair, we travel a lot and live abroad so they have been going on school residential trips for years as well. Only rule really is that necessary things first and toys etc if there's space left. Give it a try, your kids might surprise you. I don't even supervise or check any more and have had no issues with things being forgotten or winter jackets packed for beach trips.

It is quite baffling to read about all the grown adult husbands who cannot possibly manage the same.

Aww if only you had staff like Kate to do all this. Thing is when you get married and have kids who can't do things for themselves, can't book day trips or drive it kind of falls on you the parent to do it, I mean it's pretty annoying we don't birth fully grown adults but unfortunately it is what it is. You could always stay at home.