To shower at DPs

[Cocopogo]

DP stayed at mine last weekend and due to various reasons, busy, tired, grieving, prioritising time with DP etc I didn’t shower for two nights nor put usual bath on for DD until Sunday. Cut to yesterday when I was in the office all day, I work in the city where DP lives. I went straight from work to his, then drove us to Waitrose and bought food in for dinner plus a few other things for DP.
Once back at his, I went to get a shower whilst food was in the oven. Except DP stopped me and said hang on a minute, you don’t need to shower here, I said I did, I felt grotty and didn’t want to eat feeling like this. DP said well you didn’t shower all weekend so you can manage until you get home. He then proceeded to point out the weekend and that when DD is at his I always bath her etc. Presumably implying that I freely run his utilities bill up but am more cautious at home. For context he earns 3x more than me and whilst we don’t go halves we general take turns to buy things etc. I know he’s trying to save money to pay a chunk of his mortgage off when the fixed term ends in 3 years but that’s got nothing to do with me.

Hell no OP. Nothing worse than a stingy man. Get rid, you're better off on your own.

This 😳

Is it beyond you to consider why someone might neglect themselves or neglect their self care? 😳

WTF where and when you shower when you are in a committed relationship with someone really shouldn’t be a talking point. I would have told him to fuck right off, switched all his taps on, grabbed my Waitrose bag and gone home. Get out while you can he’s a twat, actively stopping you from having a bloody shower I’m sorry but it’s a big fat no from me

This man is an absolute knob.
However, the whole situation seems like a right mess. You are all over the place and it's understandable as you've suffered a bereavement but your posting history suggests you've had problems with the behaviour of the 14 year old DD; you were falling over randomly a few months ago too. Other posters have said this is a relatively new relationship but you talk about being with a DP for 4 years in October.
Yeah, I've advanced searched you... it gives some context to this.
OP, I think you really need to get some counselling and get some advice from your GP. The whole situation you are in seems quite difficult and you don't seem to have a very stable life.
I don't think a 14 year old, especially one who does seem to have some issues, should be dragged around to a boyfriend's house at a weekend and made to bathe there.
She needs to be in her own home and to experience stability so that you can work on having a proper routine for her, especially regarding hygiene. You also need to make sure you have your own routine too.
I really wish women would put themselves and their children first and create a stable unit. If they want to date, fair enough, but not at the expense of that stable unit and certainly not dragging children around to their partner's house because that's what suits him.

He's tight and not generous towards you. He might suspect u of using his facilities rather than ur own. Both make him absolutely not future partner material. Definitely bye bye time.

Or a stinky man - or woman.

Even well off people become aware when they are taken advantage of, no matter how generous they may be. It's not so much about the shower, but the principle.

However who wants to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't bother keeping their self clean?

It's gross.

People often do when they are severely depressed.

I don't understand the revolving door trend with men myself. I personally know women who introduce kids in next to no time. Mine is much younger than 14, but I'd never expect her to bathe anywhere other than our home. I've been involved with somebody over a year, mainly meeting during school hours. My child has never met him, and won't for a long time and even then will be given the impression of a friendship. I've even a neighbour who's had 3 men live with them in the past year. Three men, what must her children think? I cannot understand why kids don't come first.

Op’s post: Things with dd are up and down. Her hygiene issues are still a constant battle.

I wonder where she gets that from.

I'm not sure your BF is being stingy as such. I think he's questioning why over the weekend you didn't bother showering/bathing for 2 days and didn't even bathe your child, but now 'all of a sudden' you couldn't possibly relax without a shower. Forget who's house you're in, what's different this time to the weekend?

Run

Tight as a ducks arse. Get rid.

Possibly the most frustrating thread I've read in nearly 20 years, and that's saying alot. If ever there was a need to shake someone. That poor child. Focus on the the small issues because the bigger are just so overwhelming awful. OP if not for yourself, for yor child.

FFS! My ex occasionally has a shower at my house. He says 'OK if I get a shower?'
I say 'Yes'.
I haven't ever thought about the associated cost.
We still have a great relationship.

He's been refitting a kitchen for my parents. That's not his job. He's doing it, because he's a decent man. He offered.

Sometimes we go out for food.

Sometimes he sends me random gifts on Amazon.
We have not ever discussed the cost implications, nor have we lived together.

This guy really doesn't seem engaged in this relationship.
There are so many people in the world. This one doesn't treat you as you deserve.

She did shower over the weekend! She said she usually showers morning and night, she just missed the night ones.

The Op's post.

She only said that after a major back tracking after people pulled her up for being so slovenly. In the OP she very clearly said she didn’t shower for three days. You really cannot say that but actually mean you only showered once a day.

Same here! Do you work down a mine?

I agree. I don't usually pounce on people but did notice the obvious back track. In the op's man's place I would wonder why she could not perform proper ablutions - a shower doesn't cost much or take long - at her own place but insist on doing so at his. It isn't about money, it's the principle principle. Nobody likes a piss taker no matter how well off they are, never mind someone who is personally grubby; I mean, three days including sleeping with him and then going to work.

Then there is the bathing her daughter at his house but not at home, daughter aged 14. Sheesh. Why can others not see how wrong that all is? Come on.

It's not unusual to shower twice a day, especially if you rush around and go to work. Having one in the morning before you leave is important and it is nice to go to bed clean, especially in warm weather. If you out in the evening it's commonplace to shower beforehand unless you go straight from work in which case you freshen up at work as best you can.

Most people did the same.

I wasn't overly fastidious, at least I don't think so, but always bathed or showered twice a day when I was at work, and washed hair. Now I'm at home, retired, I don't bother, usually it's just once and at whatever time of day I feel like it unless I am going somewhere.

What a petty little man. Move on OP

I agree. Now I mostly WFH it’s more like once a day unless I’m going out in the evening but when I’m in office it’s a shower every morning to liven and freshen up and a wind down soak in bath every night.

I couldn’t go more than a day without at least one shower or bath - I’d feel grubby

What a weird arrangement. 4 years and you're still swapping between homes. Either way, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and I think for your daughters sake you need to move on.

He is a shitty tightarse

Bin