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AIBU?

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Original poster

To shower at DPs

226 replies

Cocopogo · 18/05/2023 08:03

DP stayed at mine last weekend and due to various reasons, busy, tired, grieving, prioritising time with DP etc I didn’t shower for two nights nor put usual bath on for DD until Sunday. Cut to yesterday when I was in the office all day, I work in the city where DP lives. I went straight from work to his, then drove us to Waitrose and bought food in for dinner plus a few other things for DP.
Once back at his, I went to get a shower whilst food was in the oven. Except DP stopped me and said hang on a minute, you don’t need to shower here, I said I did, I felt grotty and didn’t want to eat feeling like this. DP said well you didn’t shower all weekend so you can manage until you get home. He then proceeded to point out the weekend and that when DD is at his I always bath her etc. Presumably implying that I freely run his utilities bill up but am more cautious at home. For context he earns 3x more than me and whilst we don’t go halves we general take turns to buy things etc. I know he’s trying to save money to pay a chunk of his mortgage off when the fixed term ends in 3 years but that’s got nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 18/05/2023 23:23

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Pixiedust1234 · 19/05/2023 00:12

drove us to Waitrose and bought food in for dinner plus a few other things for DP.

Did he pay you back for those extra things? And did you eat dinner before leaving?

Tbf thats just nosiness on my part, but relationships are built on give and take. When somebody mainly takes, or expects it, then the relationship starts to flounder. You gave by buying dinner and wanting to take by having a shower. Thats normal, what he did/said was not.

He doesn't sound as though he respects or likes you as a person but more what he can get from you. He's not a good partner.

CharlottenBurger · 19/05/2023 08:21

fajitaaa · 18/05/2023 19:38

I have no idea where you live obviously so am now imagining you drove up from Cornwall especially

Show quote history

No I came from 10 miles away to see a friend who lives there.

Tillie12 · 19/05/2023 09:17

Absolutely not acceptable sounds very controlling and unkind

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2023 15:47

Kyliemichelletaylor · 18/05/2023 20:52

I’m so disgusted at so many of these comments - women jumping on and attacking another women who has opened up and been vulnerable, asking for guidance and advice. So uncalled for and extremely judgmental and sad really. Who cares whether she washes once a week or once every hour, the point is she was asking for our guidance on what got do about her partner. For the record, I think you’re not being unreasonable at all - I’d be furious at his tight fisted way and totally turned off.

Ignore the haters on here.

Maybe read her other threads and have a think about why people have said what they've said.

The term 'haters' is just silly.

And maybe if she responded and took on board some of the advice she's had she might not be so vulnerable. But she ignores it, so what is the point of posting?

SparklyBlackKitten · 19/05/2023 15:56

'Why in earth do you need to bath a 14 year old?? Your OP said you prioritised spending time with your BF over bathing DD. Surely she just showers herself at that age?
And why is she going to your BFs house and bathing there? This all sounds so odd.'

This

But to he honest
Your whole relationship sounds odd. And you and your dd"s hygienic rituals are rather strange too by the sounds of it
No wonder your boyfriend is getting sick of it. You do sound like you skip on hygienic rituals but do it as his house as " he earned 3 times' as much money.

Sainte · 19/05/2023 18:05

14year old should not be expected to look after herself. She’s still a child.

SmileyClare · 19/05/2023 18:25

Op’s post: Things with dd are up and down. Her hygiene issues are still a constant battle

So, dd seems to have some mental health issues and perhaps needs “supervising” or cajoling into having a bath despite being 14?

To be fair, this relationship sounds a little chaotic- storming out after the shower argument for example. Perhaps dd needs a little more stability. It could be uncomfortable for her to be left sitting with the (new?) partner while you disappear off for a shower while there.

Its a shame you couldn’t open up a little more op. You’ll always get judgemental or blunt posts (this is the internet!) but there are always some helpful pieces of advice and sympathetic suggestions .

SylvieB74 · 19/05/2023 18:31

This might seem like a little thing but it’s really not. What’s the point wasting your time on someone who almost literally wouldn’t give you the steam off his you know what, I’d get rid

MrsPetty · 19/05/2023 18:31

OP it’s time to get your coat … what on earth is attractive about a man who would begrudge you a shower. Or count the cost of you bathing your DD? I believe that being cheap and penny pinching is only ever the tip of the iceberg… if someone is stingy with money they’re usually also stingy with their love, compliments, time, care. He’s blatantly prioritising his financial security over your relationship. You deserve better. So does your DD.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 19/05/2023 18:33

Testina · 18/05/2023 08:20

“due to various reasons, busy, tired, grieving, prioritising time with DP etc I didn’t shower for two nights nor put usual bath on for DD until Sunday.”

And just like not dragging your small daughter on your dates, don’t prioritise time with your boyfriend over washing her.
<awaits backtrack>

This. Absolutely ridiculous.

Cotonsugar · 19/05/2023 18:46

Good grief, he begrudges you a five minute shower? How much does that cost? What will be the next thing he doesn’t want you to do at his place?

strawberryFforever · 19/05/2023 18:47

You didn't shower all weekend and your boyfriend was staying over?

That's really odd behaviour

Bunnichick · 19/05/2023 18:53

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 18/05/2023 08:07

He is obviously feeling a bit like you’re using his house for hot water and not doing it at your own. He is seeing something unfair.

You didn’t shower or bathe your child at your house all weekend but want to do it at his, when you weren’t staying the night cos he said you could do it when you got home.

How much he earns has nothing to do with you. His savings have nothing to do with you, and his method of saving (cutting down utilities) has nothing to do with you. As you say yourself.

There are plenty posts on here by women complaining that their partners come over and use the hot water rather than use their own at home. Replies always tell the women to tell him to pack it in. So, stop using his utilities rather than your own.

I agree ^^

Bunnichick · 19/05/2023 18:54

How often do you shower and and bath DC at his?

Cotonsugar · 19/05/2023 18:56

monsteramunch · 18/05/2023 19:40

From other threads, just three months ago you were having your third date with this guy.

Why is your daughter visiting his home at all?

Let alone staying over...

Let alone staying over every weekend...

Do you really think that's appropriate for someone you've been dating a few months?

Show quote history

Think this is more common than you think. My ex husband’s girlfriend introduced her kids to him within the first month and soon had all her toiletries and spare clothes moved into his flat for weekend visits. Her kids spent time there with her too very regularly.The kids were in their late teens but still questionable behaviour (in my opinion). Only know this because my own kids told me about it as they found it upsetting (thought they were being usurped etc).

daytriptovulcan · 19/05/2023 19:09

Why spend your valuable time with an ungenerous mean man...you know it doesn't get any better than this.

Tiredmummaoftwo · 19/05/2023 19:16

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

You can't actually find this person attractive after this surely?

NoDought · 19/05/2023 19:17

Why did you not shower for 2 nights but then all of a sudden need to be clean to eat a meal with him? I don’t fully understand the dynamics of your relationship/ living arrangement and would probably need to know more about your situation but maybe you ‘conveniently need a shower’ when you’re at his a lot and he is fed up and feeling taking advantage of.

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 19/05/2023 19:24

AFishCalledKeith · 18/05/2023 09:22

I remember Alan Cumming on Graham Norton, telling a story about how he was at an event that Oprah Winfrey was also attending. He said to his friend "I've always dreamt about meeting Oprah".

She overheard and commented "Honey, you gotta get bigger dreams".

FGS OP, get better dreams that a dickhead who whinges about how often you shower at his.

Love this🙂

LBFseBrom · 19/05/2023 19:46

Fourpeasinapodcast · 18/05/2023 08:09

Wash yourself woman, how you went into the office having not showered all weekend is beyond me.

Me too, I am horrified at the thought! I think his comment had more to do with you not being very clean than about money, not an easy issue to bring up directly (though I would). I mean, the cost of a shower is minimal. It also doesn't take long so I don't get how or why you didn't have one over the weekend; presumably you were intimate, did you not feel a bit - icky?

Sheesh, some people.

zombie0037 · 19/05/2023 20:21

Poor bloke at least he can see all the redflags now and can move on.

SmileyClare · 19/05/2023 20:31

zombie0037 · 19/05/2023 20:21

Poor bloke at least he can see all the redflags now and can move on.

Don’t be a dick.

It only requires a tiny degree of compassion to imagine why a vulnerable person who has just lost her mum and clearly has her self worth belittled by a partner might neglect their own personal hygiene for 2 days.

No wonder op left the thread.

azlazee1 · 19/05/2023 20:33

I know of a similar situation where the guy assumed he could use the shower and his dp was upset by this. She felt he should have asked first. I guess I'm like her, I would want someone to ask if I mind before just jumping in.

CabernetSauvignon · 19/05/2023 20:34

PhyllisFogg · 18/05/2023 10:07

Doesn't everyone?

You sweat overnight and who wants to get into bed with day's sweat on them, not to mention the sticky netherregions.

Show quote history

No, not everyone wastes the world's resources that way. If you have sticky underarms and nether regions at the end of the day, a basin wash is fine.

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