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AIBU?

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Original poster

To shower at DPs

226 replies

Cocopogo · 18/05/2023 08:03

DP stayed at mine last weekend and due to various reasons, busy, tired, grieving, prioritising time with DP etc I didn’t shower for two nights nor put usual bath on for DD until Sunday. Cut to yesterday when I was in the office all day, I work in the city where DP lives. I went straight from work to his, then drove us to Waitrose and bought food in for dinner plus a few other things for DP.
Once back at his, I went to get a shower whilst food was in the oven. Except DP stopped me and said hang on a minute, you don’t need to shower here, I said I did, I felt grotty and didn’t want to eat feeling like this. DP said well you didn’t shower all weekend so you can manage until you get home. He then proceeded to point out the weekend and that when DD is at his I always bath her etc. Presumably implying that I freely run his utilities bill up but am more cautious at home. For context he earns 3x more than me and whilst we don’t go halves we general take turns to buy things etc. I know he’s trying to save money to pay a chunk of his mortgage off when the fixed term ends in 3 years but that’s got nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 18/05/2023 10:49

Perhaps it would help if you stopped thinking about the finer details of each argument you have with him and looking for justification on mumsnet so that you can “win” the argument?

Instead ask yourself Do you feel valued and loved? Does he make you feel secure, listened to, supported? Does he treat you and your daughters as a family? (you’ve been with him 6 years so he should) Have you planned a future together?

He won’t change no matter how you try to pander to his requests so do you want to be with a man that lies cheats and gaslights you over petty disputes?

Mari9999 · 18/05/2023 10:51

Does he not shower when he stays over at your place?
I don't think that either of you are wrong for showering at the other's place, and I don't think that income has any place in the discussion.

I do think that it is obvious that the 2 of you are likely to have fundamental disagreements about finances that are fine now but may not bode well in the future.

Truestorypeeps · 18/05/2023 10:53

Who would deny their partner a shower? How much does the water and heating it actually cost? Sounds very tight and controlling.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 18/05/2023 10:53

That is bizarre OP, my DP spends alternate weekends at mine. I am very rarely at his, I would never consider asking him to contribute my bills, he has his own place. I'm surprised at some of the reactions you've had. He sounds like a dick head and I'd wave him goodbye

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 18/05/2023 10:58

This reminds me if a very kind man I knew, we shared so many things (or so I thought) but one day I stayed over I asked him if I could throw a blouse (same colour) in the wash he was about to do.

He proceeded to remove his clothes from the washer and wash my blouse alone. It is sometimes, in the little things, when you realise there is no “us” in a “relationship”.

But these little gestures are just a warning to open your eyes, pay attention and realise, that you are with a miserable man.

TakeInIroning · 18/05/2023 11:00

You are not worth the price of a shower and you must agree with him, otherwise you would value you yourself higher.

He know this and that is why he treats you like this, probably having a fair amount of contempt for you for taking all the shit he gives.

Also, it does sound as if you didn't shower at all-despite some convoluted back tracking on this. That is dirty and a marker of how little respect you have for yourself. He knows you value yourself at tuppence and is probably pissed off that you are all he can get, which makes him treat you even more badly.

Dump him, clean yourself up and start to have some respect for yourself. It will mean you won't take any more shite and others will see you as someone worth having in their lives.

Text him now and tell him it's over.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 18/05/2023 11:03

Truestorypeeps · 18/05/2023 10:53

Who would deny their partner a shower? How much does the water and heating it actually cost? Sounds very tight and controlling.

It's less than a quid.

If it's for any other reasons then I'd pay attention a lot more and ask them what they wanted me to clean it with afterwards and what was their bathroom protocol.

If it's just a straightforward shower though, can't see the problem. But it looks like this is part of a bigger picture.

BatFaceOwl · 18/05/2023 11:04

Wien you post a thread like this, you know it's out of context

You're in a shit relationship and you're not prioritising your daughter. You have other threads which build the bigger picture.

Just put your child first and leave him. You won't though. We will see you again soon with another thread, whining on about how he won't let you turn on a tap/ eat something from his fridge

Sorry to sound harsh but so tired of women - who have children - failing them by insisting on involving them in their relationships with below par men.

Want to be in a crap relationship with some bloke who treats you like shit? Crack on! Want to do the same as a mother? You're pathetic.

SmileyClare · 18/05/2023 11:09

TakeInIroning · 18/05/2023 11:00

You are not worth the price of a shower and you must agree with him, otherwise you would value you yourself higher.

He know this and that is why he treats you like this, probably having a fair amount of contempt for you for taking all the shit he gives.

Also, it does sound as if you didn't shower at all-despite some convoluted back tracking on this. That is dirty and a marker of how little respect you have for yourself. He knows you value yourself at tuppence and is probably pissed off that you are all he can get, which makes him treat you even more badly.

Dump him, clean yourself up and start to have some respect for yourself. It will mean you won't take any more shite and others will see you as someone worth having in their lives.

Text him now and tell him it's over.

I think that’s very insightful and hopefully op you can see the kind intentions behind this post.

I do think you might be vulnerable and struggling to cope and I also think you’re neglecting yourself. You’re allowing this man to treat you badly due to low self worth.

None of those issues are an easy fix, life is tough sometimes. However, a first step is realising how bad this man is for you x

MyAnacondaMight · 18/05/2023 11:15

Is this your cheating scumbag ex that you’re back with? Or some new guy that you’re dating - and have already introduced your child to? Neither sounds like a darling partner.

Either way, this is an absolute car crash. Raise your standards and get rid of this man.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/05/2023 11:18

I can't imagine begrudging or refusing anyone I know and love a shower or bath,
I'd let me neighbour hop in if they needed to!

You are grieving and had bought groceries and yet he stopped you from using the shower?!

No, no, you deserve more than this, he doesn't respect you to say this, he is obviously viewing your relationship via every transaction, this is not a kind man.

SarahSmith2023 · 18/05/2023 11:20

CharlottenBurger · 18/05/2023 08:29

Why did you mention Waitrose by name?

Oh for the love of fuck.

some posters are just.....

GraysPapaya · 18/05/2023 11:23

Sorry if a bloke didn't want me to shower because he's so tight I'd be off. I like generous people full stop, man or not.

Lululemonade38 · 18/05/2023 11:25

Whatever his reasons are, if your 'dp' doesnt allow you a wash - vile.

Poopoolittlekitten · 18/05/2023 11:29

Right, regardless of how much you wash or why he is TIGHT AS A GNATS ARSE and not for one second would i be in a relationship with someone monitoring how much I washed at their house.
LTB, seriously. If he's like this leave him.

Poopoolittlekitten · 18/05/2023 11:30

One of our neighbours had no water for a week and showered here a couple of times. We offered. Because we're not so f-ing tight!

AllIeveknewonlyou · 18/05/2023 11:30

TomatoSandwiches · 18/05/2023 11:18

I can't imagine begrudging or refusing anyone I know and love a shower or bath,
I'd let me neighbour hop in if they needed to!

You are grieving and had bought groceries and yet he stopped you from using the shower?!

No, no, you deserve more than this, he doesn't respect you to say this, he is obviously viewing your relationship via every transaction, this is not a kind man.

Yes that happened to me a few years back, next door hot water had gone so until the boiler was fixed he turned up with a towel and shower gel and asked if he could take a shower. I didn't know him very well but could understand the urgency and it was fine.

There seems to be much more going on here than showers though.

Booklover40 · 18/05/2023 11:31

Why are you questioning the shower thing? It’s just semantics in the grand scheme of your crappy relationship. He’s cheated on you twice?
He’s a cunt and you know this but for some reason you think it’s all you deserve.

Work on your self esteem.

SmileyClare · 18/05/2023 11:36

Why are you questioning the shower thing? It’s just semantics in the grand scheme of your crappy relationship

Im equally baffled. Op you only seem to want to answer trivial questions on here about your showering habits, and why you mentioned Waitrose Confused

Is it too painful to think or talk any more deeply than that?

BigglyBee · 18/05/2023 11:38

This isn't making you happy, is it? That's all you need to know, really.

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 18/05/2023 11:40

You made it sound like you didn't shower all weekend in your op, but then added you did shower on Sunday and also Monday morning as you shower twice a day. You just didn't shower in the evening as you normally do. Everyone is replying as though your bf won't let you use the shower when you've gone all weekend without one when in reality you showered in the morning that day. Why do you need so many showers? I can see why he might have said no, he thinks you use the shower excessively. If you are trying to save money you don't keep having showers and baths multiple times a day. So YABU. I can bet if this post was reversed and it was the man going round to use his gfs shower we'd have a whole load of different replies, he'd be told he was wrong to use her shower and should stop being a cocklodger etc.

Cherry2010 · 18/05/2023 11:43

Wow would you rather put up with that Ryan be on your own??? How can that ever be ok? Stopping you from having a SHOWER?! just think about it.

monsteramunch · 18/05/2023 11:49

It seems like just three months ago you were three dates in with this guy (unless it's another more recent one?) and now you're at the stage where your daughter is coming with you to his and bathing there? Slow down. Like massively. This is not putting her first, it's way too much way too soon and on top of that it sounds like a rubbish relationship dynamic.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 18/05/2023 11:49

This thread has turned showers into an allegory for something else.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2023 11:50

Hi OP

If you did this all the time, and there was a long standing pattern of not doing things at yours that you do at his, like charging cars and taking long baths or something, then he was right to say something, as it would feel like you were taking advantage of him.

But he should have brought it up, and talked to you about it, and explained his feelings. Having a go at you, for a one off thing and actually stopping you having a shower, shows he is petty and can't communicate, as well as really stingy.

Also on the face of it, stopping you doing something that's going to cost him pennies, after you've just bought him a nice meal for ££, given it's a one off and he earns 3x more than you anyway, is really fucking stingy