To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

[AmIEnough]

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

Conservation!

He’s going into the bathroom, leaving mud and dust there and then walking into dd’s bedroom and having stepped in that mud in the bathroom, he’s bringing into the bedroom carpets.

He’s most definitely a little shit.

So you'd make a visitor strip down in the hallway?

He's already removing his outer clothing and his boots and leaving them outside (in a waterproof box that OP has 'had to buy' purely for the purpose - which wouuld make me feel awkward for starters if I was the boy).

I would hope that if a visitor was volunteering with you, after they'd removed outer clothing and boots, you'd at least let them go upstairs to the bathroom to strip off the rest.

Which op claims she cannot see. She knows it’s there but cannot see it. So basically it isn’t there. He has said he’ll go home and shower and therefore won’t spread anymore invisible dust. How is he a ‘little shit’ for choosing to go home to his own house instead of removing his clothing in op’s garage?

I've skim read as joined this late. Jesus Christ no wonder he doesn't want to come round, he feels totally unwelcome and paranoid. OP is even worried about the invisible dust!! OP you need help with your issues as this will push your daughter away if you're not careful, imagine in the future if she has children and wants to bring them home, she probably just won't bother.

Well yes obviously your house your rules, but also: his clothes, his decision.

You could put down drop cloths?

Ultimately though if you are unhappy with his decision, I suppose the solution if for you to accept that there will be some faff and/or cleaning up to do, and this is something to be put up with if you want to see him in the week. Try acceptance and commitment therapy?

He could have a shower in his own house then come round to get fed and spend the evening though, couldn't he?

No @saraclara We pretty much expect our visitors to shower in their own homes and turn up at ours clean.

He doesn't want to though! I'm not sure why that is such an issue?

All the posters wanging on about their families stripping off on their doormats or kitchens after a hard day's filthy work don't seem to mention then getting dressed and going to someone else's house for dinner afterwards.

For all we know he lives in the opposite direction from the OP and going home first would make it impractical to come back afterwards, or perhaps he can't afford the petrol to do the journey both ways.

What we do know is that the OP likes him and that he has acknowledged the issue and come to a solution that works for him. I'm totally boggled by the number of people who seem to be suggesting that he should continue going to dinner on the OP's terms rather than taking himself and his dirt (both real and perceived) out of the equation. I genuinely don't understand the mindset that this is somehow an indication of disrespect or an insistence that he actively wants to ruin the OP's carpets.

And we still haven't heard what the daughter thinks have we?

And I know MN isn't a hive mind and I'm sure it's not the same posters, but for a forum where a wedding invitation is famous for not being a summons, a weeknight family dinner certainly seems to have been elevated to an event that this poor sod isn't allowed to refuse even if it does entail getting undressed in his girlfriend's mum's garage!! 😂

Why does what he wants trump what the OP wants @DysmalRadius?

Why does what he wants trump what the OP wants

It doesn't. He's not demanding to use the bathroom. He's just decided that OP's increasing demands are making him uncomfortable, and so to spare them both the discomfort of his after work visits, he won't go there on work days.

He needs to just suck up the extra journey. You are feeding him dinner and allowing him into your home. He doesn't get to call the shots about making your home filthy.

Because she cannot make him come to her house, get changed in her garage, and have dinner with them! She also can't make him go home, get showered and go back to her house for dinner! He is an autonomous individual who can decide that he doesn't want to get undressed in a garage if he wants? Why and how on earth do you think the OP should compel him to?!

But since you asked, I'm genuinely interested in why you think the OP's wants trump his?

Ffs. He's not making her house filthy. She's admitted that she can't even see the dirt that she's convinced is there and that one day shell feel it in the carpet.

It's because he's a man, Mumsnet generally doesn't like them.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO EAT DINNER AND BE ALLOWED IN THE OP'S HOME!! HE WANTS TO GO HOME AND EAT DINNER THERE AND MAKE HIS OWN HOUSE FILTHY! THE OP IS THE ONE WHO WANTS HIM TO CARRY ON COMING ROUND!!

He goes home and showers and changes and comes round less often when he's clean as he has suggested. Not sure why he expects you to feed him all the time and clean up after him.

I don't allow dogs in my house because I'm allergic. I have a friend with a dog who I invited round last week. My friend was free, but would have been on her way back from elsewhere with her dog. I said she could come, but would have to leave the dog in her car. She said that wouldn't work because the dog gets upset if it's left in the car for too long alone and she wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy herself, so she'll just come another time when she hasn't got her dog with her.

Am I right in thinking that some posters on this thread would interpret that to mean

she's insisting that I allow her dog to come or she'll throw a strop

and/or

that it would be appropriate to insist that she take her dog home and then come round to mine afterwards.

And if she doesn't do that she is just a shit who wants me to clean up dog hair and expects me to feed her while her dog humps my sofa.

It's her house @DysmalRadius

I give up... 🙄

I can't understand how he can be sweet but can't comply with this simple request. It really is not an unreasonable request and anyone that is reasonable would be more than happy to comply. This us very entitled behaviour and manipulative to say he now doesn't feel welcome. Ask him why this makes him feel unwelcome?

So basically he is saying, if you don't let me do this, I will not come round. Very odd and a complete over reaction and total lack of respect for you.

Why on earth would you get ivory carpets if ypu have ocd?! Sounds such a miserable way to live, but good on your dd finding a bloke who is messy and works outside. Will do her MH the world of good as it can't have been much fun growing up with all the restrictions.

Clearly. Ridiculous mad suggestions on this thread.

Sometimes I think there's actually only about 4 people posting on mn as the replies are so predictably weird.

Of course he doesn't want to get changed in the garage. Poor sod. Get him to take his boots off then get dd to hoover when he's left. Sorted.