To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

[AmIEnough]

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

Or he could go home first. He is 16, it is not his house..not his carpet to get dirty.

But OP DD has cleared up and OP said it wasn't up to her standards.

Problem is OPs standards sound very very very very high

Not wanting mud dust on ivory carpets isn’t wildly high, even by my slatternly standards.

@bussteward but OP has said her DD has cleared up but due to her OCD it is not up to her standards.

No they don’t. My standards are quite normal and I do not have OCD but no I do not want a teenager that is not my own coming into my house three times a week in muddy boots and filthy clothes and expecting to use my bathroom an towels to clean up. He needs to learn that it is impolite to do this as a guest, he maybe doesn’t appreciate it as he is still young.

@Aprilx read my follow up post. OP has said her daughter cleans but due to her OCD doesn't meet her standards

They really don’t..

Just because it’s quicker for him to come to yours directly doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

Maybe his parents prefer him to go your house dirty rather to their house?

But without seeing the carpets none of us have any idea whether we’re dealing with Pigpen from Charlie Brown here, or invisible OCD mud. It’s still polite if you work in forestry or any mucky trade to go home and wash before you visit someone else’s home!

I will read whatever posts I chose. I have read the OPs and I get the impression it is a cursory clean up of her bathroom. What about the impact of somebody walking through a house in filthy clothes three times a week, I am not clear if daughter is cleaning the hall, stairs or other areas he pass through.

In any case it is still bloody rude of him to do this! Do you go to your friends or relatives houses for dinner in filthy clothes and expect to be able to shower and change there before eating!

@Aprilx but OP has no issue with him coming over it's literally just the asking him to change in the garage. You are arguing a point that OP hasn't even voiced.

She's happy for him to come straight from work the question was about getting changed in the garage!

You are not making any sense. I am well aware of the garage, he doesn’t want to get changed in the garage, he wants to continue to get changed in the house. I understand why OP does not want that.

No he doesn't - he has said he won't come over.

I would definitely tell him and there are nice ways to do it. Explain to him that hes not really a guest anymore - hes family. And as family you feel you can ask him to change in the garage, as a normal family member would if theyre dirty. You can buy him one of those pop up spray tan tents if hes nervous about changing there. Treat him as you would one of your kids as it sounds like hes in your house enough.

FFS. Why are you telling me this? What is wrong with people today? I have already read the story. I know what he has said. He is saying he is not coming over because he wants to traipse through OPs house in his dirty clothes and now he isn’t allowed to, he isn’t coming over because he doesn’t want to get changed in the garage, which was the compromise offered. I’m good thanks, didn’t need your help.

I'm not trying to help - I'm disagreeing with your interpretation of the OP's posts based on what she's said. The OP offered a compromise which doesn't work for him so he's come up with an alternative solution which he's being lambasted for. Sorry if that wasn't clear from my posts, I'm very tired and may have missed some pertinent information.

This is exactly my point. Nothing is cleaned or hoovered so I can feel the grittiness on the hall floor and then he takes that up my stairs, landing, into my daughter’s bedroom (all with ivory carpet laid by the developers) then in to her bathroom so the clean up is more than just her bathroom. I realise I can’t see the dust in the carpet (yet) but it will eventually make them look and feel grubby xx

How is a 16-year-old’s boyfriend “family”? What a lot of pressure to put on a teenager’s relationship.

I don't understand. He's already taken of his boots and his outdoor stuff. Where is this mud coming from if he's in his socks? Any loose mud on his jeans will have come off already, inside his motorbike stuff. A quick brush down with his hands before he walks in the door, and I simply cannot see that he's shedding anything of the slightest significance when he walks straight up to the bathroom.

Certainly not enough to justify sending him to get changed in the garage, and risk your relationship with him.(and your daughter).

I know that OCD, autism and anxiety are going to be factoring in to this, but again, you can't expect everyone around you to manage it for you. He's followed your instructions so far, but this has been the straw that breaks the camel's back, and he's perfectly entitled to decide that coming to yours after work, just isn't worth the stress.

I hope you get help for your conditions. Because your DD will have a long term partner one day, and you'll want them to feel able to visit you and feel comfortable. Then there might be grandchildren. How are you going to handle that? I really wouldn't want to visit a grandparent who's so obsessive about cleanliness, with my toddler children.

If you want a happy relaxed family around you over the next decade or two, maybe you need to see if you can get some more help to relieve your stress levels?

I'm afraid there are no 'kind' or 'gentle' ways to tell the bf that he is too dirty for your home. Because that is what you have done.

Where does this end @AmIEnough ? How clean is going to be clean enough? At what point is your DD going to say 'enough is enough', stop bringing friends home and eventually stop coming home herself?

This thread is unbelievable to me.

I’m not particularly house-proud, we only vacuum and mop every two weeks. But to have someone walk around their in filthy jeans getting mud and dirt on ivory carpets would infuriate me.

What’s worse is this little shit doesn’t even clean after himself.

OP, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

Ffs. He's not walking around in filthy jeans getting mud and dirty on ivory carpets. The ivory carpets are upstairs and he doesn't tread in then on his jeans because he goes straight to the bathroom to take the jeans off. OP is just stressed that a tiny amount of dust settles on the bathroom floor and he might walk it through.

Calling him a little shit when he's accommodated OP's restrictions up until now, is absolutely unfair.

MN is hot on boundaries. He's found his. His boundary is that he's not prepared to have to get changed in a garage, and that's okay.

When my husband works in the garden he normally undresses in the laundry room and goes upstairs to have a shower right away. Once that sort of dirt is tracked into a carpet, you'll never really get it out. It sticks to the fibers.

OP, you are the adult here. It's your home. Your daughter is a minor who should respect your authority as her mum. Your daughter's boyfriend is a minor who should respect that if he wants to spend time with this girl, he needs to treat her mother's home with respect. If this were me, I would just say, "Bob, I'm happy to see you working hard and you seem like a nice young man. Your showering at my house after work is a little too much closeness for me, and I'm not ready for my 16 year old daughter to be regularly cleaning up the bathroom after a man. I'll be happy to continue making you dinner several times a week so you and Julia can spend time together, but I would like you to come in guest formation, i.e. already showered and changed. Thanks."

I have to agree with the person who pointed out that your daughter's boyfriend is already training her that a man has the right to come in to her home and make a mess, and it's a woman's place to clean it up and say nothing so he's not uncomfortable.

...." put my property at risk of destruction in this manner" That's a bit much. I think he's being sensible in not going to your house. Couldn't he go home to get cleaned up and then go to yours for dinner?

But he has ‘respected her authority.’ He had listened to her requests, complied with those he felt able to comply with, and then drawn a boundary at taking all his clothing off in his girlfriend’s mum’s garage. He hasn’t come round and smashed the windows saying ‘let me get your bathroom dusty.’ He hasn’t attempted to force entry. He has acknowledged her wishes (that he undress in the garage) but noted that they do not work for him, and said he will not come over after work.

And by the way, if someone gave that odd little speech of ‘I want you to come in guest formation thanks’ after already telling a teen to undress in their garage, they’d be seen as a total weirdo. People don’t talk like that.