To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

[AmIEnough]

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

And it’s also bizarre because he’s already said he won’t come over. So deciding then to give a pompous little speech about too much closeness and guest formation makes you look odd.

Well, I wouldn't ask a teen to undress in my garage, but I also wouldn't allow them to track mud over my carpets, nor would I look kindly on a teen boy expecting my daughter to clean up after him. He would be expected to show up clean.

Very strange responses on this thread.

Well a teen boy tracking mud all over your carpets really has no bearing on what op’s discussing. She herself admits she can’t see the dust (from his clothing after he’s removed his boots and outerwear on the doorstep) but fears it will lead to the destruction of her property. He isn’t ‘tracking mud all over the carpet,’ he is leaving unseen dust on the floor as he moves to the bathroom to shower.

And if we’re honest, the chance of him somehow destroying the property by leaving mud/dust on the bathroom floors is basically nil. This is much more likely to do with op’s issues as she’s admitted, and the boy has found the most reasonable solution by stopping the escalating controlling behaviours and saying he will just shower and eat at his own home from now on. Which means op will be happy as she won’t have to worry about dust from his trousers in the bathroom destroying the property, and he’ll be happy as he won’t be expecting to strip off in a garage.

I would just say, "Bob, I'm happy to see you working hard and you seem like a nice young man. Your showering at my house after work is a little too much closeness for me, and I'm not ready for my 16 year old daughter to be regularly cleaning up the bathroom after a man. I'll be happy to continue making you dinner several times a week so you and Julia can spend time together, but I would like you to come in guest formation, i.e. already showered and changed. Thanks."

What on earth is guest formation? And I suspect you and your DD would never see him again, because he'd be completely freaked out by that weird speech.

Some of the people posting on this thread would also have had difficulties with the recent English SATs. The daughter is 16 yrs old, not the bf. Nowhere does the OP say he 'pisses everywhere'. Nowhere does it say he 'stays over for sex' which is what some posters assumed. I do take issue with the fairly common practice though of exaggerating the extent of any mess left anywhere, e.g. 'all over' the floor, when it's only a small part of the floor. The OP admits she as OCD issues, so this isn't a situation where any 'normal' solutions will work. It's also a MN thing that people assume once a child reaches the age of 198 yrs (or 16 in this case) that they are entitled to do whatever they want in their parents house. Very strange imo.

Your house your rules.

Your guest is being unreasonable; so just take him at his word and agree he doesn't visit after work during the week.

Btw your daughter should have been cleaning his mess in her bathroom and bedroom.

YANBU
I know he's young but the solution isn't not to come
He or DD should clean the bathroom!

Eurgh no way

He can shower and change at home before he comes round

Hiw old is your daughter?

It’s his solution. As a teenager (which presumably he is since I’m sure op would have mentioned if her teen daughter was dating a grown man) my solution to being told I had to take all my clothes off in the garage before being admitted as a guest to somebody’s home would certainly be to choose not to go. That’s his right and it is an appropriate solution.

Honestly, I wouldn't be ok with this either and would want him to shower at his home, not ours.

However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request

I'm the least house-proud person I know (in fact, my house is way beyond a "shit tip" by MN standards), but I'd be relieved to be spared someone else's sanctimonious teenager (I'm assuming he's not a man in his 20s).

It's not really that normal to shower in other people's houses is it?

Is it?

As a teenager (which presumably he is since I’m sure op would have mentioned if her teen daughter was dating a grown man) my solution to being told I had to take all my clothes off in the garage before being admitted as a guest to somebody’s home would certainly be to choose not to go. That’s his right and it is an appropriate solution.

Yes. OP hasn't said that he's kicked off about it, been sanctimonious or in any other way behaved unreasonably when saying that he won't come round during the week. I assume that she'd have said so if he had, and not be posting about how sweet he is.

OP has made him feel awkward and unwelcome, and he's within his rights to find that her latest requirement is something he is uncomfortable with.

Apparently only MNers are allowed boundaries. Personally I think this teenager is allowed them too.

They do clean the bathroom, though. Just not to the OPs excessive, OCD-led standards.

Exactly. I would love to know where people are getting all these tantrum/sanctimonious/prick comments when all we’ve been told is a teen boy doesn’t want to undress in someone’s garage and has said he’ll go home after work instead. Which is the normal and appropriate response really.

This would annoy me a lot. YANBU

OP, YANBU. It's totally disrespectful for him to trudge muck and dirt through your house, it has nothing to do with OCD. It's also not a good message to send to your DD if you are telling her she has to clean up after him - that is not the solution. He should not be making the mess in the first place and expecting his gf to be his skivvy. Going forward, he needs to go home after work, change and shower there, then he is welcome back. This is a life lesson for him in that you can't treat other people's houses like that and also that your DD shouldn't have to put up with this mess too and expectation that everyone else clean up after him.

Excellent posts by @melj1213 on P8 and particularly on P5.

Not sure why you are just making things up / putting your own spin on things @Aprilx - very little of what you are spouting is what the OP has said is happening. Quite literally contradicting her.

@saraclara has posted a lot of sense too.

Why people are vilifying a 16 yr old lad who has put boundaries in place after realising that he will never please the OP, is beyond me. All the requests he has complied with so far are not enough. He has learned it isn't working with him coming round, so has made the decision not to. There is no tantrum. there is no bad behaviour on his part. Just namecalling from grown women on this thread

I think a lot of posters must have super special vision because they sure are writing a whole lot of old bollocks that the OP has never mentioned.

"Trudging mud through the house"

"Throwing a tantrum"

"Expecting X Y and Z"

"Expecting his girlfriend to be a skivvy"

And so forth...

I realise I can’t see the dust in the carpet (yet)

I think you are being unreasonable op.

I also am slightly fussy about clean floors, so I have hard wood floors or tiles throughout the house and my cleaner mops everywhere once a week. Even I don't freak out at invisible dirt though.

Please, replace your carpets with hard floors and you and your daughter will be happier everyday

He isn't "trudging dirt and muck throughout the house", op says she can't even see any marks on the ivory carpet

Kindly, I think you need to see your home as something to be lived in and how you want your daughter to reflect on her childhood home.

I get, as much as I can. I have experienced anxiety and I am very house proud but admittedly not together.

I have a gorgeous wooden floor that I spent a fortune on and I literally clench when I see my childs friends driving cars on it one banging things on it because of The Fear about dents and scratches. But I hold it in, tell myself this is her home and i want her to feel like her friends are welcome and that the risk of actual damage is low and that at the end of the day, stuff is just stuff.

I tell myself that I want her leave home feeling like it was her her home and not a showtime she was on edge about.

We don't know how real this 'dirt' actually is. Is this really another manifestation of OP's OCD and anxiety?

Has the bf just become the latest focus? Now the bf has been seen off who or what will become the next focus?

I fully recognise that this is a big problem for OP. What we aren't hearing is DD's voice. How much is she supposed to bend? At what point is she going to say 'enough is enough' and leave?

We do Conservative action volunteering in local woodland and we come back absolutely filthy.

It's literally a strip down to undies and sliders in the hallway job.

We've got hard floors and I still don't want that cack trodden all over the house.