AIBU to be furious about sudden change?

[purplevipersgrass]

I have a lovely SIL who lives in Canada and visits every few years. After Christmas she let us know she'd be over here in May and June, catching up with family and friends before her partner comes over and they embark on six weeks in Europe.

She's due to arrive here (south coast) on Sunday after several days in London. She'll spend two nights here, then take off with DH and his other DS to various points in Devon and Cornwall, ending up staying with friends in their holiday home in Fowey for four nights. A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked. They're all getting older and they want to have a really great week together.

DH is under a lot of pressure at work and has been moody and fed-up in the last few months. He went into dither mode at the point we needed to start preparing for SIL's visit so I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible — for her, but also for us when she's gone.

I've been really looking forward to seeing her again but am also longing for the moment when they all pile into the car and head west and I have the house to myself. I've got a lot of freelance work piling up and DH and I really need a short break from each other: he's been bringing his work home too frequently.

Then last night, as we were going to bed, he announced that he thought it would be far better if, instead of doing a road trip, they all just stayed here for most of the week and then went to Fowey for a couple of days. That would mean having guests for five or even six nights: extra dinners: extra days trying to work with them around the house, extra days walking the tightrope of trying to be hospitable while also finding a bit of space for me. I said no, everything was booked and they'd have a great time. This morning he's had a conversation along the lines of he doesn't understand me, I've made such a ridiculous fuss about his DS coming to stay and I didn't need to, she'd have taken us as she found us and anyway what difference would it be having him and his sisters around all week, they'd go off for a few hours each day exploring and walking and all it really meant was two extra for dinner each evening...

AIBU? It's really come home to me how desperate I am to have a week's break away from him and the domestic duties that come with hosting. I'm tempted to say I'll go on the road trip and they can stay here and look after themselves.

YANBU to be annoyed about the sudden change - it is quite a big change. And I'd expect him to be picking up the extra hosting duties as he thinks it's such a good idea, as well as making sure they're out of the way in the day as you're working.

But... It does feel like there's a little more to it. If you really like SIL and don't see her often, I'd expect you to be a-little-exasperated-but-generally-happy-to-spend-time-with-her, rather than genuinely annoyed. So is it about DH lumping domestic work on you generally? Is it about having to host with DH being at his best when you've had him being moody and work-driven instead recently? Is it 'just' about wanting some time to yourself?

Basically what I mean - you're not unreasonable for the sudden change to be irritating, but it seems to be more to do with how your feel about DH than having guests for a few nights for a once-in-a-few-years one-off visit from someone you like and get on with.

(For what it's worth, it also sounds like you've massively martyred yourself a bit with the amount of prep - sanding down the garden furniture and redecorating an entire room and buying new linens!? She's your sister in law, not the Queen! Clean bedding and some nice wine in the fridge is all that was required. If he felt more was required for his sister, then it was on him to do - instead, you've decided the house needs to be a show home to have a family member visit for a couple of days, done/organised lots of unnecessary stuff and now seem to resent that. Again, seems to be part of a larger picture of how you feel about DH rather than the visit itself.)

I think YABU I am afraid. You were going overboard for the sake of a guest for a couple of nights and to be honest, I don’t think it is unreasonable for somebody to have their sibling stay from overseas for five nights. I have had my sibling stay with me for that long, if my husband stropped off on his own for the duration because he needed a week away from me, well I would be wondering about the longevity of my marriage.

Also: "the domestic duties that come with hosting" - tell him you're not doing them, then. Say "I'll be working that week so I'll be busy, you'll have to sort yourselves out for food etc and I'll join you in the evenings :)" and leave him to it. Again, your SIL is not a visiting foreign dignitary - she's family, you don't need to be laying on a spread every morning like you're a Hilton breakfast buffet. She can get herself toast or some leftovers from the fridge like any normal person.

I wonder what his sister would think of the change of plan? Missing out on staying with the friends in Fowey, always in the same place?

I understand he's stressed from work but that's not your fault and he doesn't get to take it out on you. He's probably right that she'd take you as she finds you, so all the prep you're doing isn't really necessary. That's on you. But if they didn't go anywhere, would he really be out with her every day, or would he decide (if he hasn't already) that he can't leave his work for that long, so unless she's going to be sitting twiddling her thumbs the entertaining is going to fall to you? Given that she's a lovely SIL, could you talk to her? Come from the angle that he's stressed but actually needs the break, and come up with a plan between you that gets him out of the house and away from his problems?

Your need for space is a separate issue. He's taking out his stress on you and that's not fair. If you can afford it I suggest you take a week out for yourself away from him, even if you work the whole time. A hotel, an Air B&B, a cottage somewhere, just to give yourself some breathing space and it may also make him realise the impact his stress is having on you when you explain why you need it. And if he doesn't understand and hits the roof that you're not being supportive, then stay for two weeks. You're not his emotional punch bag for something you have no responsibility for. You can support him but that doesn't mean you have to suck up his moods and general grumpiness.

First question would be are the siblings ok with it or has he unilaterally decided?

if I’d planned a big trip like that I’d want to go 🤷‍♀️

When my sibling stays for 2 weeks, as they do once a year when visiting UK, they get clean bedsheets and towels and a front door key.
She knows where the breakfast stuff is and sorts herself.

There is no redecorating or sanding down of garden furniture. Sometimes I cook, sometimes they do, sometimes we go out. Sometimes separately.

Are you making a rod for your own back?

Let him crack on and he can host her for the week and you take the road trip, but he has to make sure you come home to a clean and tidy house. He can't just leave a house full of mess for you to sort out.

then take off with DH and his other DS to various points in Devon and Cornwall, ending up staying with friends in their holiday home in Fowey for four nights. A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked. They're all getting older and they want to have a really great week together.

Whose idea was it?

Completely agree with him (as long as the other siblings agree they'd rather stay there than with the other friends). You're acting like a foreign dignitary is coming to stay. New linen and sanding furniture?!

Goodness me, you don't need to "host", I'm sure she's used a fucking toaster before, she's family!

Yanbu. He sounds like he's done bugger all to prepare for the visit and hasn't really bothered to engage with you about it. Now he wants you to host for significantly longer. I wouldn't be happy either. But then again I get very funny about people in my home, I really enjoy my own space and hate hosting. I just don't relax.

I would either go along with it but massively reduce your hosting expectations (or get dh to pick up the slack) or do as you say, go on the road trip yourself if hotels have been booked and paid for. Seems a shame to waste them. I think you're probably craving the alone time after hosting and you are entitled to break whether it be at home or somewhere else.

She's such a beloved guest that you've paid to have furniture sanded down and the car valeted, but you can't stand the thought of her being there more than two days? This is one of the weirdest things I've read.

Wow, can I come & stay please!

you've done a lot in preparation for your SIL staying, but as you say, it'll be nice to have it all done anyway, so no big deal.

Their original plan sounded great, I wonder what the others would think of it being cancelled?? As lovely as yours sounds, just staying there and not seeing a bit of the countryside & going to Lundy, I'd find very disappointing. It's supposed to be a siblings road trip, not a siblings sit around while DH moors about.

who has paid for all the bookings? Are they refundable? Is DH perhaps not telling you something about his job/money?

after SIL has gone to Europe, book yourself a solo trip away somewhere lovely.

if DH doesn't like it, tough!

On the face of it YANBU but at the same time the domestic chores of hosting are largely your own doing! You’ve gone ridiculously overboard. It’s only going from 2 days to 5 days which isn’t that much considering she’s coming from so far.

90% of the things you’ve decided to do are overkill in anyone’s book so you can’t really use that as a reason imo. I understand your point of view that you are making it seem so awful that is sister will be around for an extra 3 days.

Has he actually asked his sister? I’d be miffed if I was her! All those lovely plans cancelled??
I’d be pissed if I was you also. I hate last minute changes. DH can do all the extra work.
BUT I have no idea why you’ve done all that extra to get ready for a family member to visit for a couple of days!

Yeah sorry but all that prep you did was ridiculous. Who redecorates a room for a guest?! As for the domestic duties, just... don't. He can do it if he wants them to stay. Lock yourself in your bedroom/office or go out to a cafe to do your work. Just carry on living life as normal while they're here. That said, if I was SIL I'd be disappointed not to go on the trip that was booked.

I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible

This is all pretty immaterial. She’s coming to stay and you’ve done some house stuff. It doesn’t matter if she stays for one night or a week-it’s done by the time she arrives.

Why have you gone so OTT with preparations?

I get the prep. It's all stuff that was on a list that needed doing and now there's a push to do it. It's not about the prep.

Tell him you've been looking forward to his miserable arse buggering off, having a good time and coming home in a better mood. That you've been looking forward to the break and a little home holiday of your own and if he wants to change it. You'll bugger off elsewhere after a couple of days so you can catch up on stuff and he can crack on by himself.

Doesn't look like you're going to get your time to yourself otherwise.

Tell him you were looking forward to some time alone, without him souring the atmosphere with his shitty attitude so you can enjoy the quiet and get some of your work done.

all this preparation,what's it about?to show off the perfect idyll ?new linen for two nights stay?
all the different nights in hotels and staying with friends sounds exhausting for your sil.and there's no reason she can't stay with you,why do you need me time for having a family member for five nights?
try to drop the stress and breath!she won't care about the car being valeted or the furniture painted,she's coming a long way to spend time with her family,to make happy memories to take home with her.

Sounds like a poor swap for his sisters to just stay in your house for six days instead of doing the tour involving hotels and friends etc. It seems mean of him to suggest it when the plans were made and already paid. Is he having a panic attack about having to be a grown up adult out in the world instead of leaning on you to entertain and cook?

If this is the plan and his DS agrees to it then he can do all the extra hosting that is required.

Huge fucking range of mountains out of a molehill springs to mind.

You've made far more work for yourself than is necessary before they've arrived.

Get DH to do the extra cooking and shopping.

Excuse yourself and shut your office door when you're working.

Job done.

Explain that you were planning a blitz on the freelance work while he was away, and were expecting to have the evenings free as well as daytime.

See if you can come up with a compromise, so you still have a few days peace and quiet but perhaps they don't spend quite as much time on the road.

You have gone a bit ott with preparations for the visit, but I understand. I know my DH thinks I'm slightly batty wanting to make sure the whole house is tidy and freshly hoovered before visitors; he'd be quite happy if I didn't bother, but I'd be embarrassed. DH now understands my feelings enough that I can persuade him to take on some of the to-him-unnecessary tasks.

Lots of questions to be answered.

I don't think he's consulted his sisters about this yet. He has a tendency to try out ideas on me first. He brings a lot of work problems home to try out ideas on me. The sisters were very involved in organising their trip and I'm not sure how they'd feel about him cancelling. I don't know whose idea it was. They did a trip in that area with their parents 40 years ago, camping, and I think that was the inspiration. They visited Lundy on that trip. They're revisiting several spots. Their parents have both died in the last ten years and I think it's a trip down memory lane. It's been the their project and I've stayed back.

About my SIL: she really is lovely. I would be happy to spend a few days with her. It's the combination of the sisters and DH in his current state that daunts me. (We had someone unexpectedly stay over on Coronation weekend and my partner was all 'Why haven't we got olives? Why isn't the spare bed made up?' I'm not really in the headspace for five days of 'Do you know where the barbecue skewers are' and trying to find things we all like to eat.

The spare room: we've stayed with DSIL in the past and her house is pretty much perfect — hence a bit of an incentive to spruce up ours. We had a long period of social isolation with Covid (see below) and I think we let our place go. It's the loveliest time of the year in the garden and I wanted her to see it at its best, hence getting a bit of help.

About the big clean-up... We've had lots of visitors in the past and were very sociable, but DH has a lung condition and Covid meant that we had to stop having people in the house for quite a long time after many others resumed normality. That was his decision not to have visitors, not mine. We both got lazy. With no visitors coming, we didn't bother with the annual clean-up of our wooden outdoor furniture and it deteriorated — hence the need to spruce it up so that if the weather is nice enough for lunch outdoors, I'm not scrubbing off birdshit and lichen on the day. Ditto the spare room. It had needed sorting out and decorating for some time, then DH used it as a study when he was working from home (until fairly recently). I painted the walls and ceiling, did the skirting and door. It was a couple of weekends' work. He didn't object, just couldn't make his mind up about paint colours and didn't seem interested. I asked him to help but he wasn't interested so I did it myself. It looks much, much nicer and was worth the effort.

Re DH: I think partly for the reasons described above and partly because he's so stressed and unhappy at work and brings it home with him, I need a break from him and he needs a break from here and his routine. He's not in a good space at the moment and I wanted him to have a change of scenery and company and leave work behind for a week.

Domestic pressure of hosting: I think I probably appear quite a relaxed host but that's only because I put a bit of prep into things. I've order food and wine etc for DSIL's two days and planned meals to suit us. I was looking forward to living off leftovers and toast for a few days once they were gone and not having to cook.