AIBU to be furious about sudden change?

[purplevipersgrass]

I have a lovely SIL who lives in Canada and visits every few years. After Christmas she let us know she'd be over here in May and June, catching up with family and friends before her partner comes over and they embark on six weeks in Europe.

She's due to arrive here (south coast) on Sunday after several days in London. She'll spend two nights here, then take off with DH and his other DS to various points in Devon and Cornwall, ending up staying with friends in their holiday home in Fowey for four nights. A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked. They're all getting older and they want to have a really great week together.

DH is under a lot of pressure at work and has been moody and fed-up in the last few months. He went into dither mode at the point we needed to start preparing for SIL's visit so I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible — for her, but also for us when she's gone.

I've been really looking forward to seeing her again but am also longing for the moment when they all pile into the car and head west and I have the house to myself. I've got a lot of freelance work piling up and DH and I really need a short break from each other: he's been bringing his work home too frequently.

Then last night, as we were going to bed, he announced that he thought it would be far better if, instead of doing a road trip, they all just stayed here for most of the week and then went to Fowey for a couple of days. That would mean having guests for five or even six nights: extra dinners: extra days trying to work with them around the house, extra days walking the tightrope of trying to be hospitable while also finding a bit of space for me. I said no, everything was booked and they'd have a great time. This morning he's had a conversation along the lines of he doesn't understand me, I've made such a ridiculous fuss about his DS coming to stay and I didn't need to, she'd have taken us as she found us and anyway what difference would it be having him and his sisters around all week, they'd go off for a few hours each day exploring and walking and all it really meant was two extra for dinner each evening...

AIBU? It's really come home to me how desperate I am to have a week's break away from him and the domestic duties that come with hosting. I'm tempted to say I'll go on the road trip and they can stay here and look after themselves.

The SILs and I had a facetime. Neither of them seem surprised about DH thinking about staying here. I've talked to them about how I feel and they get it. UK SIL has seen him change through lockdown and says she's seen what it's taken out of me. She's adamant that he needs to escape and leave work behind. If he tries backing out they'll just say they're going anyway. They've asked if I'd go with them if he doesn't and tempting though it is, what I really need is space and time to myself.

DH came home and caught us as we were saying goodbye, so he had a chat with them and didn't mention anything about dropping out. He's been quite quiet this evening and said at one point 'I suppose you've been talking about me.' I said we all loved him and were concerned about him and we all thought it was important he had a change of scenery. I asked him if it was fear of Covid that was bothering him and he said it was one of the things that was on his mind. Then he started off-loading about today's drama at work and his arsehole manager (same-old-same-old). I listened for a while but I could feel myself starting to get overwhelmed by the impossibility of ever getting it sorted out and said I had things to get on with. He got sharp with me and said who else could he talk to about it if not me? Did I want him bottling it all up? I said without thinking that he needed to see a therapist about the whole lot of it because it was more than I could deal with. He was annoyed at first but when he calmed down admitted that a third-party might be more useful. (More useful: as if I haven't been useful, eh?) He said he couldn't go on like this either and it felt like a significant admission. We had a long hug — and then he started talking about work again...

He's gone up to bed early. I'm not going to join him because I don't want to talk and I don't want to have to listen. I feel a bit shitty about not being more supportive, but I really need some space.

I think you’ve been very supportive and as difficult as it is you’ve managed to get him to open up, and just as important expressed your own feelings and needs.

hopefully now things are a little more in the open, he’ll talk to his sisters about this too- giving you some reprieve from being his sole support x

It sounds as though he needs some breathing space (from life/work) as much as you do. Perhaps him getting signed off work for a while due to stress may be an option at some point?

Thank goodness you get on well with your SILs and they are of the same mindset about the trip, their brother, and can see how affected you are.

It really isn't fair that your husband doesn't take into account that you are already mentally exhausted when he's making his plans, and constantly dumps all his stress onto an already stressed partner. It's good he took the suggestion of a therapist well - hopefully he can get some help and some altered perspective during those sessions - if he books them.

I hope you manage get the time to yourself that you need so you can reset. Do make sure you book some non-work/chore things for yourself. Maybe go back to the spa and revel in a double bed to yourself, peace and quiet, Some deep massages, someone else planning, cooking and serving you meals and washing up, swimming, long walks etc. And turn off your phone, apart from times you agree to communicate with each other, to get the full benefit of your relaxing break. Fingers crossed for you. 🌹

It sounds as though you are at a very low ebb with your husband.

To me it also sounds as though you are burdened by your mother's high standards. Perhaps she did not have the work responsibilities that you have, or the additional burdens of a partner with health anxiety.

Re garden furniture, I remember having a lockdown Xmas lunch at my stepson's allotment. He had organised a trestle table for us. I got there and it looked as if it had not been cleaned for several years. I ended up finding some corrugated cardboard in his shed and tearing it up to make table mats.

It was one of the nicest, most memorable Christmas meals that I have ever had

.

Don't feel shitty. This is a lot of progress. You've broached the subject of the holiday, got the SILs' buy-in, confronted him with the fact that everyone thinks he should go and got him to voice his covid fears. You've also made it clear you can't cope with the ongoing work-related drama and suggested a way forward. And you had a hug. Honestly, this is a great day's work.

He's got himself into a right hole and has a long dig ahead of him to get out of it, but this visit of SIL's is acting as a catalyst to start that process, and you are helping him to face it. You've got nothing to feel shitty about at all.

Thank you for your positivity. I feel better this morning. It feels as if things came to a head last night.

I think the idea of trying to get DH to the GP and have him signed off is a good one. I've tried before on a number of occasions but he's always resisted because of the toxicity of his work environment. Perhaps this is the crunch point where things start to change.

He needs to find a new job. He's stayed on there too long because of, first, Covid and then age — he's 54.

I find change VERY difficult.
I have to mentally prepare for overnight guests and even family book in to stay a few months in advance.

I would rally if needed, but I would have a meltdown first to process the emotions.

I think some people (like my inlaws) have a casual approach to hosting and welcome last-minute guests which is lovely... But I just can't manage it.

I'm also like you in that I don't feel comfortable hosting unless the house is perfect and everything that needs to be done is done.

There's no "take me as you find me".

Yanbu for being annoyed but when it came to planning the trip was sil and dh on board with it all or did you just plan it for them? If he was on board and changed his mind, Yanbu to be pissed off, as will presumably be the sil.

however i’m not sure why you’ve gone to such an extraordinary amount of effort ahead of her stay. I mean I’d do a good tidy but you seem to have put in an OTT amount of effort

Sorry OP I admit I had not RTFT but I have now and I don’t think yabu at all having better understood the back story.

he needs to go and give you a break. I bet he is planning on doing some work if he stays, which is why he suggested it. But it sounds like the most important thing he needs to do is change jobs.

Good update, OP. I mean, things sound difficult, but at least you and DH are (to a point, anyway) able to communicate.

On the 'useful' comment, I'd say try not to take it too literally/personally. Slightly different scenario, but someone close to me has recently been having a hard time with their mental health and general personal-life issues and I've been supporting them, and I've taken a few comments kind of along those lines. It does sting, but I try to remind myself that they're not in a good place and if they were, they wouldn't think or talk like that.

Your SILs are obviously seeing things clearly and you're all on board with each other, which is good.

Very best wishes with it all.

I cannot imagine needing “respite” from my husband. And we are not joined at the hip and in fact I went in holiday without him earlier this year but that is because I wanted to go somewhere he didn’t, I certainly didn’t need respite from him.

I can't imagine not being able to imagine that people are different from you, (and considerable less smug). I'm an introvert, and need regular respite from everyone, no matter how much I love them.

I am in introvert too, s are about 50% of the worlds population. I still don’t need respite from my husband and nor have I ever widely heard from introverts or otherwise that people require “respite” from their spouses.

And don’t you think it is a bit dumb to criticise me for not being able to imagine something by saying that you can’t imagine something else…. or is that over your head.

I think it may have gone over your head @Aprilx
It was being pointed out that you couldn’t see from any perspective but your own. That’s quite hard to fathom!

I’m an extrovert, but when my DH has been struggling and been using me for support, I’ve benefitted hugely from some time apart. The vast majority of people in a medium to long term caring role, even if it’s informal, benefit from short breaks.