AIBU to be furious about sudden change?

[purplevipersgrass]

I have a lovely SIL who lives in Canada and visits every few years. After Christmas she let us know she'd be over here in May and June, catching up with family and friends before her partner comes over and they embark on six weeks in Europe.

She's due to arrive here (south coast) on Sunday after several days in London. She'll spend two nights here, then take off with DH and his other DS to various points in Devon and Cornwall, ending up staying with friends in their holiday home in Fowey for four nights. A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked. They're all getting older and they want to have a really great week together.

DH is under a lot of pressure at work and has been moody and fed-up in the last few months. He went into dither mode at the point we needed to start preparing for SIL's visit so I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible — for her, but also for us when she's gone.

I've been really looking forward to seeing her again but am also longing for the moment when they all pile into the car and head west and I have the house to myself. I've got a lot of freelance work piling up and DH and I really need a short break from each other: he's been bringing his work home too frequently.

Then last night, as we were going to bed, he announced that he thought it would be far better if, instead of doing a road trip, they all just stayed here for most of the week and then went to Fowey for a couple of days. That would mean having guests for five or even six nights: extra dinners: extra days trying to work with them around the house, extra days walking the tightrope of trying to be hospitable while also finding a bit of space for me. I said no, everything was booked and they'd have a great time. This morning he's had a conversation along the lines of he doesn't understand me, I've made such a ridiculous fuss about his DS coming to stay and I didn't need to, she'd have taken us as she found us and anyway what difference would it be having him and his sisters around all week, they'd go off for a few hours each day exploring and walking and all it really meant was two extra for dinner each evening...

AIBU? It's really come home to me how desperate I am to have a week's break away from him and the domestic duties that come with hosting. I'm tempted to say I'll go on the road trip and they can stay here and look after themselves.

redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible

and to think I just whack some clean sheets on the bed and do a whip round to make sure there are no dirty undies lying in the bathroom floor.

A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked

By who?

Yanbu.

I'll put money on him planning to work a bit that week and then just spend time witb you all in the evenings. That's why he's suggested staying at your house for longer.

I'd be tempted to say if you want to stay at home, do so, but we have the trip planned and booked and it's mean for him to deprive everyone else.

Ps i reckon he'll be getting stressed about taking the time off work - maybe he's getting pressure from his boss, maybe he's putting it on himself, but if that's the reason then you'll need to acknowledge and get to the bottom of that otherwise you'll just be someone who doesn't understand him/another source of stress.

I'm making assumptions but you'll be better off asking him what's really going on and hoping he'll open up.

I need a break from him and he needs a break from here and his routine. He's not in a good space at the moment and I wanted him to have a change of scenery and company and leave work behind for a week.

Have you told him this - kindly, but clearly?

Btw I’d be deeply unhappy having my promised solo break in the house taken away, so I entirely understand.

I don't see why on earth all that needs to be done, sure you want to fine but that is no one else's fault

I have no idea which of them have paid for what. This is an extra-special big-birthday trip for Canadian DSIL, hence pushing the boat out. Because of Covid DH and I didn't get away from home for a long time, so there is money in the holiday pot to splash out a bit.

Re changing the sheets and picking up dead underwear... Good for you, and there have been regular visitors for whom I wouldn't have gone to any trouble. But I like SIL, she's used to higher standards of cleanliness etc and I've used her impending visit as the impetus to get jobs that have long needed doing, done.

It had never occurred to me that DH might be planning to spend time working, but perhaps you're right.

I've had a word with a friend about it and she said: 'Oh, you'd got respite care planned and now they've cancelled.' That's how I feel.

Reassure your DH that it has all been planned and paid for! The break will do him good and he wouldn't want to disappoint his DS's would he?
You sound like a lovely host but it can be a lot of extra think work to have people stay

You are getting a lot of mean MN stick here OP. Seems to me you used the visit to get a lot of little jobs done that have been niggling you for ages, so good for you, we all have those jobs hanging over us that we don’t seem to ever get someone in to do and you have done it! You got on the phone or online, sourced people and organised them in a tight schedule to make everything look fabulous , you were expecting SIL to enjoy the fruits of your efforts, but you were also looking forward to a bit of you time to enjoy them too and that has had to be postponed because other people have changed their plans at the last minute.

I can see why you are miffed.

I hope you do get time to sit in your tidy garden on your buffed up furniture and chill, have a Pimms on my behalf, and as others have said, if there is extra hosting to be done because of the changes then those responsible for the changes need to be the ones to sort it out.

If your SIL’s have paid for nights in special hotels on the road trip, I imagine they’d be pretty pissed off by the change? Chances are they’d decide to go off on the road trip anyway, leaving your DH behind.

YANBU, I'd be pretty miffed too.
Firstly because you've gone to a bit of effort to have a sort out before SIL visits & he's ridiculing it after doing nothing for his own sister's visit.
Secondly hosting IS an effort no matter who it is, it sounds like he's planning on leaving everything to you. I agree he's planning on working!
Lastly, I feel very sorry for his sisters who are probably really looking forward to the trip.
I think you should firmly but kindly tell him that he's out of order & spoiling things for everyone here. There might be hurt feelings but I don't think you can just say or do nothing.

'Oh, you'd got respite care planned and now they've cancelled.' That's how I feel.

That you feel like this about your marriage is the bigger problem here, I think.

It feels like your DH is considering neither your needs nor his SIL's. She misses out on a trip and you get no time to yourself, will have to do extra hosting and won't be able to catch up on your own work. I'd be really pissed off. He's not everyone's boss, he isn't the only one who gets stressed and has feelings.

Tell him as long as he does all the meal prep and cooking, by all means they can crack on.

I agree that there seems to be some quite serious marital problems here. I cannot imagine needing “respite” from my husband. And we are not joined at the hip and in fact I went in holiday without him earlier this year but that is because I wanted to go somewhere he didn’t, I certainly didn’t need respite from him.

"No worries DH, but as that obviously requires them to stay for longer at ours, meaning they'll need more breakfasts and dinners cooking for them etc plus the additional cleaning to do during and after their stay, as long as you're prepared to take on the extra workload, I have no problem with the last minute request!"

Dh went into dither mode

That just sounds like he didn’t bother spending any time or energy thinking about the logistics until now (3 days before they arrive).

He expects you to pick up the slack

YANBU. I would be gutted if I was expecting a week to myself and instead I got a week with my husband and two house guests, even house guests I really like! It's not just 'two extra for dinner', it's three, and the kind of things I'd eat alone are nothing like the kind of thing I'd serve guests.

He might get another attack of “dither mode” though 😂

Can't see the other sisters agreeing tbh.

Could you go with them if husband doesn't want to?

Thank you for understanding, viques.

Which would you rather sit down to eat at on a lovely May day, in the sunshine?

A greying wooden table that has been hastily wiped of bird poo, lichen and general grot or a table that's been washed down thoroughly, sanded and painted or varnished to make it easier to wipe down and keep clean?

Op, do you like your husband? Do you want to remain married?

I understand the need for alone time, I need it too, but this sounds like the issue is your relationship with your husband, not the guests.

YANBU. In your shoes I'd be gutted too; I need to spend time alone to relax and recuperate from too much other people, and I'd have been treasuring the thought of an upcoming oasis of space and peace.

Tell DH no, that any change of plans is absolutely off the table. I can't see DSIL's being too chuffed about it and it's not fair of him to flip-flop after so many arrangements have been made.

Well done for attacking so many items on your to-do list. Being motivated by impending visitors is neither here nor there, despite what some pp's said. I salute you!

It's annoying but your preparation for her stay is excessive. Just run the hoover round, change bedding and make sure there's food in. Tell you have to work in the day, she can help herself or go out to eat. Sorry but sounds like this is more a problem between you and DH, rather than the SIL.