AIBU to be furious about sudden change?

[purplevipersgrass]

I have a lovely SIL who lives in Canada and visits every few years. After Christmas she let us know she'd be over here in May and June, catching up with family and friends before her partner comes over and they embark on six weeks in Europe.

She's due to arrive here (south coast) on Sunday after several days in London. She'll spend two nights here, then take off with DH and his other DS to various points in Devon and Cornwall, ending up staying with friends in their holiday home in Fowey for four nights. A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked. They're all getting older and they want to have a really great week together.

DH is under a lot of pressure at work and has been moody and fed-up in the last few months. He went into dither mode at the point we needed to start preparing for SIL's visit so I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible — for her, but also for us when she's gone.

I've been really looking forward to seeing her again but am also longing for the moment when they all pile into the car and head west and I have the house to myself. I've got a lot of freelance work piling up and DH and I really need a short break from each other: he's been bringing his work home too frequently.

Then last night, as we were going to bed, he announced that he thought it would be far better if, instead of doing a road trip, they all just stayed here for most of the week and then went to Fowey for a couple of days. That would mean having guests for five or even six nights: extra dinners: extra days trying to work with them around the house, extra days walking the tightrope of trying to be hospitable while also finding a bit of space for me. I said no, everything was booked and they'd have a great time. This morning he's had a conversation along the lines of he doesn't understand me, I've made such a ridiculous fuss about his DS coming to stay and I didn't need to, she'd have taken us as she found us and anyway what difference would it be having him and his sisters around all week, they'd go off for a few hours each day exploring and walking and all it really meant was two extra for dinner each evening...

AIBU? It's really come home to me how desperate I am to have a week's break away from him and the domestic duties that come with hosting. I'm tempted to say I'll go on the road trip and they can stay here and look after themselves.

Honestly I do agree, but that becomes DH's problem. His suggestion puts more work onto the OP, if he expects her to do it, I'd suggest she goes into "dither mode" too!

Actually, yes, I'd be annoyed in your situation. Because even if you 'refuse to host', you do have to tolerate people's presence in your house. BIL and his partner come to stay usually twice a year. It's a real pain. I do make sure that dh does the bulk of the prep, but it's still having 2 extra people in your house and all the chaos that causes. If I refused to engage with them or do things with them, it would be seen as rude. They are a pretty laidback family, but it would be odd as a partner to avoid your houseguests for a week. Frankly, I'd love nothing more than if they went off and did something for the week and left me home alone with/out dc and with all the animals to care for. It would be wonderful.

I do wonder though, if your dh is suggesting they all stay home, will it just mean that he works and pushing hosting duties off on you? It sounds like he is struggling to have healthy work-life balance. I know in our case, dh (who runs his own business) regularly invites people to come stay and swears that he will do things with them, but it's not unusual to have to spend some time working while they are here which means I get stuck with bored houseguests stalking about the house while I'm trying to work because he's over-promised that he'll actually have time for them. It really is much easier if they all go somewhere else. Even if he still needs to work, I don't have them sat in my kitchen looking bored and wanting to be entertained.

Thank you for making the point about food. DH and I eat well enough but usually just the standard chillies and curries and stir fries and pasta bakes that most people do. I try to do something a notch up the scale from our usual everyday meals when we have guests. And of course when you've got guests you have to do puddings too. And cake or snacks to offer when people have been out all day and pile in at 4.30pm, hungry.

@purplevipersgrass I totally get the tidying and refreshing they house & garden before her visit It's normal to use deadlines like people coming to stay to get long delayed jobs finally done. And my SiL is like yours - her house is always immaculate and I feel like a slob in comparison so I do make extra effort in cleaning & decluttering etc when some people like her are coming. My best friend gets clean sheets and some dusting of the spare room and that's it.

And needing a 'respite break' from DH doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is in trouble either. It sounds like the past few years have been tough and with DH bringing work problems home you are worn down. Of course you need a break - living together can be hard and surely even the posters criticising you need time out occasionally from their partners.

Just tell him that you think his sisters will be disappointed if he cancels and it's letting them down. because it's really mean of him to do that in my view). He's asked for your opinion and you've given it; you think he should go. Then back off and don't discuss or debate it again.

If he does cancel then be clear he is the co-host and you expect him to pull his weight with food & wine ordering and cooking and NOT to be working whilst sisters are here. (and like others suggested I'd then book some time away somewhere on your own after they leave, even if working whilst there).

He needs to do the planning, shopping, catering, and clearing up for his siblings, and you need to set some boundaries to get on with work.

If your DH's work has been stressful the last few months, he may just want a bit of a holiday at home - I know that's what I like to do, as well as travel, on my rare opportunities for holidays.

But you can't be the caterer this time!

Hmm I wonder if people who on paper are all cool and welcoming to guests- the more the merrier, take us as you find us, stay as long as you like ..are like this in reality.

Op could have welcomed her sil into her home and said “Sorry you’ve got no towels, I didn’t buy any you’ll have to share with dh, the tap doesn’t work in the en suite either and be careful of splinters and birdshit if you use the garden table.
Ive cooked for dh and I, you can rustle up your own meal.

Calm down Hyacinth! Why are you doing so much work for a SIL? Run the hoover round and put some wine in the fridge!

@purplevipersgrass Chuck him the pinny and the pans and he can cook. Can they go out during the day without you?
🤞
Good luck - I'd put a limit of 4 nights and he cooks for 2 of them, and more than that and he'd be going with them for the rest of their trip or permanently

which means I get stuck with bored houseguests stalking about the house while I'm trying to work because he's over-promised that he'll actually have time for them. It really is much easier if they all go somewhere else. Even if he still needs to work, I don't have them sat in my kitchen looking bored and wanting to be entertained.

Yes, this. Canadian SIL won't have her own transport and will be with us for two nights before UK SIL turns up. So if DH wants to work on the days she's here I strongly suspect I'm going to feel the pressure to take her out. Which will be fine for a day or two, but I'm not going to do it every day if they decide to stay here. In fact I'm even more certain that if they decide to stay here, I'll find somewhere else to go.

We had someone unexpectedly stay over on Coronation weekend and my partner was all 'Why haven't we got olives? Why isn't the spare bed made up?'
This is the problem, isn't it, not the guests themselves or the change per se.
Make it clear to him that you've planned, work-wise and mentally/in terms of being in 'guest mode', for the original agreed days. Any more than that and you will be unavailable due to being busy with work and will not be catering and hosting. I wonder if he'll change his tune if he hears that?

As an aside, and in the nicest way, it does sound as though you're adding to your stress by holding yourself to very high standards. If your SIL is as lovely as you say, she won't care (or even notice maybe) your 'greying wooden table that has been hastily wiped of bird poo, lichen and general grot'. My guests sit at that sort of table if they come to mine and sit outside and no one minds; you're there to spend valuable time together, not to judge an interiors competition.

And there is no 'of course' about what you cook or if you do puddings, or provide cake or snacks. Again, 'lovely' guests won't mind/notice and will even contribute by bringing cake back from their day out for everyone, or making/buying in a pudding, or offering to cook sometimes or to be sous chef.

I reiterate, though – you need to make clear to your DH that you have not planned for this sudden change of mind and that you are not the cook cum housekeeper, which seems to be how he treats you.

I'd be pissed off too OP. And I totally get the amount of effort you've put in, it's exactly what we would do - using the deadline to spruce things up. Perfectly normal. At least that effort won't be wasted, it'll still look lovely when they're gone.

Sounds a bit like your DH has gone rogue. Is his head too far up his own arse with work atm? Mine gets like this very occasionally and needs a reminder of where his priorities should be. Has your DH run the change of plan past his siblings? Could you possibly 'get in there first' and see what they want to do? Unless there's been some massive miscommunication I would think they're very much looking forward to their trip?!?

Hmm I wonder if people who on paper are all cool and welcoming to guests- the more the merrier, take us as you find us, stay as long as you like ..are like this in reality.
Sorry to disappoint ,but I for one really am.

Op could have welcomed her sil into her home and said “Sorry you’ve got no towels, I didn’t buy any you’ll have to share with dh Come on, that's just silly. There is a middle ground between buying new towels and making people share existing ones.

🚨🚨 if DH wants to work on the days she's here 🚨🚨

No.
Just no.
His sister is visiting.
He'll be too busy to work.
She's staying at his as well as your home.
He has the honour of ferrying her around and cooking for her entertaining her.

Nah.... FUCK THAT!

He goes or you go !

Start eyeing up a nice quiet B and B by the sea where you can work in peace

I think youve mentioned 4 times that he 'brings his work issues home' , and also that he's stressed about work and that he tries out ideas on you. So it's clearly having a big Impact on you.

But what do you mean, exactly, how does this manifest? What is going on with him and work?

Your dh sounds like a real pain in the arse, op. It's telling that you have been clinging to a date when he'd just leave and now you are left crestfallen that your holiday from his bad mood is ruined.

I get making the house nice for guests, by the way. It makes for a focussed deadline and then you get to enjoy your home afterwards. But no amount of tidy lawn and swish garden furniture is adequate compensation for living under your dh's cloud.

YANBU

I would take myself off somewhere for those additional days you were expecting to be alone. Let him host and manage everything.

He sounds selfish.

Stop listening and helping his work issues. Sounds like a right bore chore.

come on that just silly, there’s a middle ground

ok yes I was being a bit silly and hyperbolic.

I get the impression that dh just expects his wife to just get on with hosting for a lot of extra days without any consideration of the work involved.
He’ll probably be the first to open the fridge, turn to his wife and declare Oh is there no orange juice for sil? Oh we don’t have enough plates and do we have another pillow for bil? Oh dear the local restaurants all booked for Sunday what shall we do?

So, maybe not towel buying but you can’t just carry on as normal and not go to effort accommodating people staying- thought has to go into what people would eat, drink, making sure there are enough chairs, beds, making time for them.

I would put effort into ensuring guests were comfortable and enjoying themselves.

So it’s a bit more than Meh, run the hoover round and chuck wine in the fridge. I think that’s a silly comment too.

Hes being rather selfish I think. He should have put more thought into this earlier than a couple of days before hand.

I'd be peeved too if my week alone was swapped for hosting.

But I'd also be peeved if I changed the plans for my sister coming to stay and DH moaned about it.

If it's about the extra hosting falling to you specifically then just don't do it. "I dont mind them coming but I'm going to leave you in charge of meals for those days DH because you've stolen my rest days!" You can ping it back to him in a lighthearted way. And when the SILs arrive - "just to be clear, we've agreed DH is on meal duty so feel free to take over or order take away if its not looking good!".

"Of COURSE they can come, I love them. Just remember, though, I have that work coming in: would it be ok if I do breakfasts and then you see to everyone's dinner?"
(then close the door to whatever room you work in during the day)

Why don't you break it down to him, day by day.

"So DH, on Monday, where will you be taking the kids and your DSis? What are you going to have for lunch? And what are you going to cook for dinner?

On Tuesday, where do you plan to go?

Oh, you were planning to work then? So who will be watching the kids and entertaining your DSis as I had planned to work that day?

I'm also working Wed through to Fri and will need you to take the kids and your sister out every day to allow me some peace to work, so why don't you mock up a timetable of where you'll be going and on which days and what you're planning to cook each night?"

Essentially, explain that you're happy for it to be "easy" for his sister to visit and you will be relaxed about it, but that means HIM doing all the hosting, driving, food shopping, cooking, cleaning and entertaining that comes with it. If he doesn't find that easy to mix with work, why on earth would you?

I'm not surprised you need a break from your DH if this is what he's like!

I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday.

You did all this. He did sod all. So now, if he wants to change the plans, you can tell him to have a great time but you will be away that week and he needs to host.

Then watch as he decides it's not a good idea after all.

Is he always so dismissive of you and your time?

@purplevipersgrass I really hope they stick to their original plans and you get your needed break. x

I'd be less than impressed. It sounds like you have had a lot to cope with of late. I'd be encouraging dh to travel with his family and allow you to have some peace and quiet at home.

I also can't see why people are so outraged at you making things look nice for her arrival either.