AIBU to be furious about sudden change?

[purplevipersgrass]

I have a lovely SIL who lives in Canada and visits every few years. After Christmas she let us know she'd be over here in May and June, catching up with family and friends before her partner comes over and they embark on six weeks in Europe.

She's due to arrive here (south coast) on Sunday after several days in London. She'll spend two nights here, then take off with DH and his other DS to various points in Devon and Cornwall, ending up staying with friends in their holiday home in Fowey for four nights. A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked. They're all getting older and they want to have a really great week together.

DH is under a lot of pressure at work and has been moody and fed-up in the last few months. He went into dither mode at the point we needed to start preparing for SIL's visit so I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible — for her, but also for us when she's gone.

I've been really looking forward to seeing her again but am also longing for the moment when they all pile into the car and head west and I have the house to myself. I've got a lot of freelance work piling up and DH and I really need a short break from each other: he's been bringing his work home too frequently.

Then last night, as we were going to bed, he announced that he thought it would be far better if, instead of doing a road trip, they all just stayed here for most of the week and then went to Fowey for a couple of days. That would mean having guests for five or even six nights: extra dinners: extra days trying to work with them around the house, extra days walking the tightrope of trying to be hospitable while also finding a bit of space for me. I said no, everything was booked and they'd have a great time. This morning he's had a conversation along the lines of he doesn't understand me, I've made such a ridiculous fuss about his DS coming to stay and I didn't need to, she'd have taken us as she found us and anyway what difference would it be having him and his sisters around all week, they'd go off for a few hours each day exploring and walking and all it really meant was two extra for dinner each evening...

AIBU? It's really come home to me how desperate I am to have a week's break away from him and the domestic duties that come with hosting. I'm tempted to say I'll go on the road trip and they can stay here and look after themselves.

Op could have welcomed her sil into her home and said “Sorry you’ve got no towels, I didn’t buy any you’ll have to share with dh, the tap doesn’t work in the en suite either and be careful of splinters and birdshit if you use the garden table.
Ive cooked for dh and I, you can rustle up your own meal.

Exactly. Why invite people to stay if they're not going to be comfortable? Not 5* Claridges comfortable, just modestly comfy.

I would not be happy if I was a sibling,to have all those lovely plans cancelled. Because one person doesn't want to go.

Most (non-COVID) years my husband takes the kids to his parents for a week in summer and I stay behind at home alone. I look forward to that week more than I can possibly explain.

If you're anything like me I'm assuming it's not really the idea of your SIL staying that's bumming you out, it's the idea of not having your blissful time at home alone. I hear you !

Your husband sounds like the kind of man who needs someone to put their foot down, albeit with a very patient explanation attached. Just do it, OP. Make it clear these are your terms, and that's the end of it. If he doesn't like it, go off and please yourself.

he doesn't want to take tome off work and is being a dick about it..... tell him absolutely not or your going away to work on your stuff...

you do sound like you've been a bit ott but equally for longer term benefit so not completely martyr... i too am not a great impromptu host so get the planning

Yes, be completely firm. Tell him plans are made and hotels paid so he goes along with it (and you get your break).

I agree with this. The whole thing sounds insane, and I agree with your DH that you've made a huge unnecessary fuss out of it.

It's his home too (I assume?) and I would be annoyed if my DH told me I couldn't have my family visiting to stay for longer than a night or two, especailly if the house has been especailly prepared.

Re the hosting and working, stop doing it all and let your DH pick up the slack. It's his family. "No olives? We didn't buy any, why don't you pop out and get some"

Op, you sound really lovely and I suspect you might be a bit posher than some of us which is why the standards are a bit different!

I think that the real issue here is DH, he sounds quite difficult and it seems from the outside that a lot of things are dictated by him and you seem to be swept along/relied on to sort things out. I can see that you were looking forward to a bit of free time and now that's been scuppered.

If I were one of the visiting sisters, I wouldn't be very impressed if we had a lovely trip planned and now my DB wanted to basically stay at home. Can you persuade your DH to go saying that the others will be disappointed?

your 'greying wooden table that has been hastily wiped of bird poo, lichen and general grot'. My guests sit at that sort of table if they come to mine and sit outside and no one minds; you're there to spend valuable time together, not to judge an interiors competition.

Perhaps I'm peculiarly picky, but I don't want to be in direct contact with bird poo if I can help it. It marks clothing. I suspect it's considered a health hazard. But then I had a pigeon poo on my forehead and ended up with birdshit in my eyes as a child visiting Warwick Castle on a school trip. It wasn't something I want to experience again. I'm not phobic but I avoid park benches covered in bird poo in case I mark my clothing and I wouldn't want to eat off a table covered in bird poo.

Has your DH even raised this with his sister’s yet? Because I suspect they may say ‘no, we want to go on the road trip we’ve booked and paid for and our looking forward to’.

Gosh I thought you were hosting royalty when I read about your efforts 🤣🤣🤣

compromise and say three nights although I’m confused as to why your husband thinks he is in charge of her itinerary? Perhaps she is looking v forward to going to fowey

also get a takeaway one night

I agree.
He has sat back and watched you rush around preparing for the visit.

Now he decides on a whim (he doesn't seem to have given a particular reason) that he's going to cancel the rest of the tour and have everyone stay at your house for 5 days.

He hasn't accompanied this at any time with offers to help out with Breakfast etc. He's just downgraded your efforts - and minimized them so that he can say it's really no trouble for you. But what effort is he putting into this?

Is he concerned about cost.. he should have brought that up earlier before all the plans were booked. If its not cost - what is it? He can't be bothered and would rather stay at home?

I think its relatively easy to entertain guests for two days - but for five when they were expecting a road trip and Lundy Island has already been paid for and will be disappointed. I expect the burden of finding entertaining things for them to do for the extra 3 days will fall on you.

He needs to re think this. Its inconsiderate to both you and your SIL who has travelled so far, expecting a road trip.

I'd be saying no, but I get that it may not be that easy. I hope you find a good solution.

Why don’t you go on a road trip to a lovely hotel and relax for a week whilst your dh and his siblings stay at your house?

YANBU, could you take yourself off for a couple of days and leave them to it then your DH will learn what’s involved with hosting and you’ll get your quiet time?

It’s ok op you don’t have to justify why you cleaned the bird poo off your garden table
😂

Do people really not feel embarrassed to ask guests to eat off a shit covered table?
What on earth.

I mean even if I was caught with unexpected guests I’d hastily fling a table cloth down but if you had some notice?

I don’t understand the laissez faire attitude of many people about house guests! I would be in Your camp, OP, when people come here I like them to feel that we have put ourselves out a bit, not just done the bare minimum. And you really like this person , and they have come from the other side of the world. Maybe the nay sayers are feeling a bit inferior, so they have decided the best form of defence is attack.

But I also get your annoyance at having your plans overturned, and for no reason. I just hope the other parties decide that they want to stick to the original plan.

and you are right about the table. I bet if most of the mucky crew
had to sit at a bird shit covered table, it would be ‘ oh I went to DSIL house and she made me sit at a dirty table! Does this mean she didn’t want me there? ‘
meh ……

Op, you sound really lovely and I suspect you might be a bit posher than some of us which is why the standards are a bit different!

I grew up working class. I don't think class has anything to do with cleanliness or tidiness, does it? My mum was always hospitable, always a cake in the tin in case visitors turned up without notice (as was usual in those days) and expected reasonable standards of hygiene. If she'd seen the state of that table, or all the marks on the paint in the spare room before I redecorated, I'd have had a massive telling-off. True, later in life I did mix with quite a posh crowd at one point. I can tell you that there are some very posh slobs out there, just as there are some exceptionally clean and tidy people living in less luxurious circumstances!

yeah I mean that literally is what I’d do…I don’t host. I don’t want to do all that domestic stuff so I simply don’t. People are absolutely welcome to visit but they know they won’t get fed!

I’m the same with a full clean and new bed linen and towels, everything ready. I think it’s good to do as you know that all is nice.

I appreciate that this is not the main issue but they might not be able to get to Lundy at the moment if it was a day trip they had been planning.

Repairs to the ferry are overrunning and I don't think there is anything scheduled now until 26 May. Those who have booked overnight stays are being taken by helicopter I think.

You sound pretty stressed and hyper. Furious is a v strong word for situation. I think this is aboit more than a family visit

Time for as chat with DH?

I think if they don't go on the road trip you should go on your own instead as you suggested. Ask your DH which he would prefer. Either way it's a win for you.

Ah, thank you. I think it was a day trip they were planning because you can't just book a single night in the accommodation there. I'll let him know when he comes in.

it sounds to me like you do the general DIY tasks when the motivation hits- ie a special guest is coming round, before you leave for holiday etc

I am the same.
Also you could have enjoyed it and had the week alone to enjoy it.

I think he's being incredibly selfish and I'd tell him he needs to keep his plans up. he sounds like a lazy that to be honest, letting you host his sister whole you're working.