AIBU to be furious about sudden change?

[purplevipersgrass]

I have a lovely SIL who lives in Canada and visits every few years. After Christmas she let us know she'd be over here in May and June, catching up with family and friends before her partner comes over and they embark on six weeks in Europe.

She's due to arrive here (south coast) on Sunday after several days in London. She'll spend two nights here, then take off with DH and his other DS to various points in Devon and Cornwall, ending up staying with friends in their holiday home in Fowey for four nights. A trip to Lundy has been booked and paid for, overnights in three nice hotels have been booked. They're all getting older and they want to have a really great week together.

DH is under a lot of pressure at work and has been moody and fed-up in the last few months. He went into dither mode at the point we needed to start preparing for SIL's visit so I've been slowly getting on with it on my own, including redecorating the spare bedroom, buying new linen and towels, getting a leaking en suite tap replaced etc. I've paid a local handywoman to sand down and paint garden furniture and we have a gardener coming in on Friday to mow the lawns and do a little weeding and trimming. The window cleaner's coming tomorrow. I'm planning to valet the car on Friday. I just want the place to be as clean, fresh and as comfortable as possible — for her, but also for us when she's gone.

I've been really looking forward to seeing her again but am also longing for the moment when they all pile into the car and head west and I have the house to myself. I've got a lot of freelance work piling up and DH and I really need a short break from each other: he's been bringing his work home too frequently.

Then last night, as we were going to bed, he announced that he thought it would be far better if, instead of doing a road trip, they all just stayed here for most of the week and then went to Fowey for a couple of days. That would mean having guests for five or even six nights: extra dinners: extra days trying to work with them around the house, extra days walking the tightrope of trying to be hospitable while also finding a bit of space for me. I said no, everything was booked and they'd have a great time. This morning he's had a conversation along the lines of he doesn't understand me, I've made such a ridiculous fuss about his DS coming to stay and I didn't need to, she'd have taken us as she found us and anyway what difference would it be having him and his sisters around all week, they'd go off for a few hours each day exploring and walking and all it really meant was two extra for dinner each evening...

AIBU? It's really come home to me how desperate I am to have a week's break away from him and the domestic duties that come with hosting. I'm tempted to say I'll go on the road trip and they can stay here and look after themselves.

If I were the SiL, coming all the way from Canada, I would not be pleased if my planned road trip was cancelled so that I could spend a week pottering around someone’s house while they worked.

Quite. OP surely it’s likely your SIL will go with her other sister, even if your DH doesn’t go?

I've messaged his UK sister and asked for quick chat. She knows he's really stressed at the moment and has said it will be good for him to get away. She's also commented in the past that I must need a break. If she could put her foot down firmly and insist that they go on their trip I think that would seal it.

It's suddenly occurred to me that although he's been going to work for some months now and has started going out to the local pub and occasionally to a restaurant, DH might have had an attack of the Covid-fear. It took a very long time for him to emerge from lockdown. He was very scared of doing more damage to his lungs. I wonder if that's what's behind this.

That seems quite likely OP.

It's certainly the kind of avoidance behaviour my DH would do if he felt like that.

Yanbu. It sounds like he just cant be arsed to travel and spend time with them properly away from work and has decided that he can probably leave you to entertain them for a week while he slopes off to work.

Poor DS will be gutted his dad has just cancelled the travel plans.

And the same with mine @Phineyj It's as though he can't admit even to himself that he's apprehensive about something so has to dress it up as being better for everyone else to change plans.

This seems a weird detail to be discussing, but…
You initially said 'a table that has been hastily wiped of bird poo but now suddenly it's 'covered' in it?

But anyway, I think you're missing my bigger point, which is just what many others are saying: it's your DH who is the problem, assuming that you'll do all the shopping and hosting and organising.

Glad you’ve confided in his UK sister and got her on board (in a nice way). It sounds as though you have a good relationship and both understand dh’s foibles.

It sounds like he can be his own worst enemy- looking forward and agreeing to a fun trip and trying to back out just days before.

I think your thread was worth it just to gain this nugget of information!

How fortuitous that a poster was familiar with the ferries to Lundy !

I'm going to Lundy in half term week (I hope) so I have been keeping an eye on things!

They were planning to start ferry trips again in early April but there have been a number of delays.

Hope your trip can go ahead ! 🤞@Fifthtimelucky

Thanks, @SmileyClare

I agree that there seems to be some quite serious marital problems here. I cannot imagine needing “respite” from my husband. And we are not joined at the hip and in fact I went in holiday without him earlier this year but that is because I wanted to go somewhere he didn’t, I certainly didn’t need respite from him.

Well good for you.

I could write more about how badly affected my DH was by Covid and not being able to visit his mother before her distressing death in a care home in 2021. I could write about how, because he was too nervous to return to working in-house when other of his colleagues did, he lost out in the game of office politics and has ended up in a position where he has little support but gets the worst cases to deal with. Which is why he comes home stressed and can't stop dumping his work stuff on me, no matter how many times I do the 'I'll listen for 10 minutes, then we'll change the subject' number.

But I'm not going there. We all change, for better and worse, in the course of a long relationship. Sometimes things we can't control, like Covid and death, come along and trip us up. I'd hoped this holiday would be one of the steps towards resetting my husband to the happier, less stressed man I used to know.

Lucky you that your marriage has been so easy that you've never felt you needed a week's break from your partner.

He shouldn't change plans at last minute - that is unacceptable to anyone - the two others (and you). If he insists then you go away on the road trip and he can do all the hosting.
That did however seem a lot of things to sort out - like new towels - my guests have to put up with 20 year old towels or not come. However sometimes having people means most of us get on with jobs and repairs we needed to do anyway so it was a nice pretext to do things anyway.

I recently invited my DB over for a BBQ, my DH turned it into a goal to make out not great garden presentable so we went all out getting it ready. We planned when to cut the grass so it would be at its best, bought plants, cleaned the patio etc, etc. Now we have a lovely garden to enjoy all summer.
This sounds like what the OP did in her house.
I don’t think It’s weird.

OP my DH is working abroad in 3 weeks time for a single week and I can't fucking wait. We have a terrific relationship but lately he has been creating extra work for me emotionally and practically as he has been stressed and ill. I am supporting him completely, but dear Lord I am looking forward to a week where it is just DCs and me and we can go to restaurants and the cinema without him moaning about the cost or the time it takes and 'why can't we just... ' Today he mentioned he might only go for 3 days not the full 7 and I felt 'aaah bugger'.

It can feel like respite when you are such a huge emotional and practical support to a partner. So don't let others question you on that!

Plus I have to host people too often every year (DHs friends and family) and very much understand the stress of wanting to get things in shape AND the pressures of hosting.

So YANBU.

In addition- why does your DH think his sister would be thrilled to just sit around and not go on the planned trip? I live a continent away from my family and one of the things I hate about visiting is that the 'holiday' just consists of sitting on other people's sofas. I doubt she would want ton be under your feet and at the mercy of a stressed and grumpy brother either and was undoubtedly looking forward to this trip!

YANBU and your DH is being a bit selfish IMO. Or else is so frazzled that he cannot see things clearly.

Good luck.

We have 40-year-old towels knocking around still, but for reasons I can't fathom we've managed to lose several of our better towels. We did lend neighbours all the towels we could find when their bedroom radiator sprung a leak and I'm not sure we got them all back then. They probably got muddled up with other neighbours' offerings.

New towels and bedlinen didn't take any sorting out at all. I googled John Lewis, chose the colour, chose the sizes and clicked. Then I went to Bedlinen and chose a new duvet cover and a couple of new fitted sheets because some of ours are getting a bit old and thin after 15 years of regular laundering, and I added some pillowcases for the hell of it. Ten minutes 'bother' delivered within a few days. I agree that having guests due is a great incentive to have a big clear-up.

It always surprises me on MN (though shouldn’t by now!) how quick some posters are to judge, OP: if that’s not what their marriage/house/situation is like, then it must be abnormal. My DH & I get on brilliantly mostly, and love each other dearly, but there are definitely times when I need respite from him — and vice versa.

There are definitely times I need respite from him

Me too! I don’t think that’s unusual or indicates serious problems. I love a bit of respite from my kids too.

And even if I really look forward to having guests over and staying a couple of days, I’m happy to wave them off. I find it a bit draining after a couple of days to be honest and long for peace.

Indeed!

In fact, if the OP had said 'I'd love a bit of alone time' or 'I'm dying for a week away with my friends' then no-one would bat an eyelid.

i have no doubt at all that my DH needs some downtime...... he has one of those masculine outing hobbies that he spends about 8 hours a fortnight on after all.

He is well within his rights to decide he doesn't want to go on a trip, however you also don't need to host. I'd do as you suggested and go on the road trip yourself and leave him to it!

"Why is there no olives?" Well you don't know, did he not buy any? Thats a shame, but alas you're away!

Fwiw I too think you've had a lot of spiteful flak from the smugly married cool host brigade.

I would tell him firmly that he needs a break from work and will enjoy the memory lane trip with his sisters once he's there. And I would lay it on with a trowel how completely pissed off his sisters will be if he unilaterally pulls the plug on a holiday they've all been looking forward to (because let's face it, they will - why wouldn't they). And that you're looking forward to seeing SIL too, but that afterwards you also need. to. work. If you feel it would help (rather than irritate him) to acknowledge his Covid fears, then why not - I think that's a good spot tbh.

But when he comes back, I would say you need a good chat about his career and how he's coping with his work on a daily basis, and the impact of all of that on your marriage and your work/career. Because tbh, it sounds as though the jobs in the house aren't the only things that have been piling up undealt with.

OP you need to tell him he can do what he wants but you won’t be hosting or indeed around after the initial two days and don’t be around either.
Maybe the other siblings will go on their own I can’t see how one person gets to decide everyone l’s plans.

Tell him he can stay home alone while you go on the trip with his two sisters.
Will that make him see how unreasonable he is being?

If not, you have a bigger problem with him and his work and/or refusal to go away. You will need to have a big conversation to get to the root of it.

I think this is sound advice.

It sounds good to suggest essentially “going on strike” and refusing to lift a finger, insisting dh do all the cooking and hosting but let’s face it, that’ll probably just mean the guests don’t have a great stay and they’re subjected to an odd atmosphere in your home.