To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

You really shouldn't enable this. That poor child.

It's not your job to provide childcare for them, and you need to stand up for yourself and say so. They need to work it out for themselves, like everyone else has to!

Even if not planned they've presumably had at least a month or two to work it out. I'm guessing she had to go on maternity leave earlier than planned or something. Now they've gone back I don't think they can take it now. So sounds like DH is going to have to quit or they can pay for childcare like everyone else has to!

And please, please don't agree to doing one day only. It won't stop at one day, it will slowly become a day and a half, then two etc. Say no, mean no and stick to it. Remember the old saying 'the willing horse carries the heavy load'. Stop being a willing horse, be an obstinate donkey.

I can’t believe your DBs employer is allowing him to WFH and care for a baby. He will be doing both badly (which is why he’s asking for help). He is not just unreasonable, he is outrageous!

Wait, he locks himself in his office to prevent you from handing over the baby and leaving. You missed collecting your kids from school. That's terrible. I love my neices and nephews, but my kids come first, I pick them from school on time. He didnt care that your kids were stranded at school! Henonly cares about free childcare for his baby. At our school a non show 3 times, gets reported to social services for investigation. You have to stop going over there. He'll be forced to find a nursery instead. The more you fill in that gap, the more he doesn't think he has a problem. He has the money to fund nursery, but doesn't want to, he'd rather make your life difficult to save some money! That's really selfish of him, and you know it. Stop going over there for a few weeks. Please updates us.

Honestly, why did they even have a baby? It's shocking in the UK that someone returned to work 4 weeks post birth. They need to sort childcare or take leave. Yadnbu! Not your chilf, not your responsibility.

Also don't feel guilty that you get help - that's a good reflection on you and good luck

There is one of you and two of them

Why are you feeling guilty for something that is completely separate??

They're essentially expecting you to put yourself out massively and the cost to your kids, in order to facilitate their lifestyle...

That is, you work for free as nanny so they cab both work full time...

They can use some of this income for paid nursery nursr..

Poor baby... So neither parent thinks theur baby is important enough to forgo some income for a few months.

They will NEVER get thid time back... Abd tje first year is the most important in terms of brain development!!

This.

And you are right about your own employer @HelpingWithDNNoThanks . I assume they have given you all this flexibility because you are a valued employee and they are genuinely sympathetic to your needs a a single parent to a child with significant SN. They would be pissed off if they found you were exploiting their goodwill to work as an unpaid nanny for someone else’s child while you were supposedly “ WFH”.

In your situation you would be mad to risk losing the goodwill of your employer.

Stop doing ANY childcare for your DB. None at all. Tell him that now that your Dc is older /more settled at school / in better health you are going one working from the office more often so can’t make any commitments.

Then spend your days off on YOU.

Just say no, your set up is complicated and that’s not going to work for you. I don’t think families “owe” each other anything in this way.

Prioritise your DC and yourself OP. Calmly and politely decline any suggestions which impose on how you need to manage your family, your life and your job.
The ex ILs and your parents you keep referring to are your child’s grandparents…. No need for you to feel guilty about the fact that they are helping you out at times !!
unless I suppose you fear DBro will lean on your parents who are his baby’s grandparents as well to try and get them to help him out with childcare if you don’t?
Point out you are very busy with managing your home, your job where you are hardworking to make up for the flexibility they sometimes give you and your DC needs, including medical appointments which are unpredictable and frequent. Then don’t explain further, just say you ‘can’t, I’m busy / have got things to do/ have plans/ not free’.

And what did DB and SIL do for you when you needed help? They seem to be focusing on the fact that your ILs are such a big help, but that’s irrelevant to them. What have they done for you?

You don’t owe them free childcare. And you certainly shouldn’t jeopardise your own job to do it. It wouldn’t be a case of your DB and you sharing the load, it would be you doing free childcare and losing your job. Don’t do it.

Two separate families, each with one child.
One of those families, the one with only one parent, is managing well, has a good routine because of hard work, selflessness and commitment to parenting.
The other family, with two parents, is struggling, desperate and chaotic due to an entitled and thoughtless lack of planning for a new baby.

It makes absolutely no sense for the managing family to unravel its good routine in order to serve the chaotic family, as that would only result in two chaotic families instead of one.

It’s hard, but are doing so well as you are for your own DC.
Ask your brother why he didn’t have the courtesy to inform you about his reliance on you for child care BEFORE conceiving as you could have put him straight at that point. Instead, you are having to put him straight now. You dearly love DN and will pop over for an hour, here and there, whenever you can to see him but you can not be relied upon for any form of committed, regular child care as you have a full time job and your own DC to put first and it would be crazy to jeopardise all you have worked so hard for.

Allowing your brother to rely on you for childcare is doing him a disservice.
He needs to learn the hard way, to sort HIS family affairs himself.

They keep saying DN is too young for childcare….

Well what they really mean is they are too tight to pay for childcare, and would rather dump all the responsibility onto you. You are his sister. He knows you have a child with extra needs and are a single parent. Does he offer to help you? I bet he doesn’t!

These CF’s chose to have a baby, and there are plenty of childcare options out there, it’s not your responsibility.

Stand firm. You don’t owe him anything. Your child’s grandparents helping out is none of his business. Just keep repeating that you won’t be able to childmind for DN. And stop going over during the day. You and your child come first. He’s making you late to pick up your child by refusing to care for his own. They need to get baby into childcare or one of them gives up work. It’s not your problem. Stand firm.

Tricky, I understand how hard it is to say no to siblings, particularly when you care about the DN and feel that if you don't look after her who will?

But they need to sort this out. They need to pay someone properly. You don't have capacity.

It doesn't have to be a big confrontation, just be too busy to help due to some work cropping up or a big deadline (be vague if necessary) and show them that you are not the answer to their issues.

They had a kid, they need to look after it.

Absolutely not, this is not your responsibility.

I went back to work at 12 weeks and DC goes to nursery. They need to have childcare arranged if they are both working and not expect family members who have their own busy lives to take the baby.

They are saying she is too young for childcare

Except the unpaid kind because they are asking you to care for their child which is childcare

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN.

Tag team-he'll just lock himself in his office & leave it to you!

If he loses his job because he's wfh with a newborn they'll still have SIL's job.

What happens if you lose yours?

It has to be a no!

You have your own child to think of.

OP- I hope you can see that this is a unanimous NO from everybody. By helping your brother, even just a little bit, you are allowing this ridiculous situation to continue. Your brother needs to organise childcare and that childcare is not you.

Next time he asks you over on your day off, say no. He needs to learn that you are not always around. Absolutely say no to his ridiculous proposal to working from his house to 'tag team' because you will put your own job in jeopardy.

I am so pissed off on your behalf that I wish I could tell your brother what an irresponsible arse he is being myself!

This! ⬆️ They are SO bloody rude!

No is a full sentence & the only one you need!!

Have they considered giving the child up for adoption? They obviously don't want a child as it gets in the way of their lives too much and it would be better off where it was wanted.

YANBU.

Say not. Dbro is ultimate CF.

They need to employ a nanny/child minder or find a nursery place for their son.

He is not your responsibility. You are not his parent. He has 2 already - even if they don't seem to realise it yet. 🤦‍♀️

What will you do if you or your DS are ill? Are they going to leave their child with you when they fancy a fortnights holiday abroad too? Why should your work suffer when Mr and Mrs Big Important Job refuse to parent their own baby?

You do wonder why they bothered becoming parents.

This is pretty easy really. Just say you've spoken to work and they've said no to working from a third location and that for now your wfh agreement applies only to your own home. Really sorry, you'd love to help etc, but just not possible now.

And you definitely need to start not going over on your day off too, find some errands, appointments etc that you absolutely have to do. You've got to start breaking this pattern.