To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Does your SIL know how crap your DB is at looking after his child while working? I mean, clearly anyone would be, as you can't really do both very well, but does she know he is locking himself in his office and dragging you into it?

I'd love to know how he's decided that YOU owe HIM just because other people helped you??

Just say you've spoken to work and they've said no to working from a third location and that for now your wfh agreement applies only to your own home. Really sorry, you'd love to help etc, but just not possible now.

Good idea - just be prepared your cheeky brother doesn't say "no problem, I'll come and work at your house and we can still tag team baby". But I agree a) he won't tag team wherever you are (he's already proved that in his home to the detriment of your own child) and b) stop going over to theirs on your day off. It's YOUR day off to do whatever you want/need - not provide additional free childcare for them.

I'm going to use a phrase I learned on MN "pull up your big girl pants and say No!!" Keep yourself and your own child's wellbeing first. You can do it, OP. 🌹

Poor little baby. Say no, because it’s preventing you from doing things for your DC and you don’t want your employer think you’re taking the pee.

Tell them to get an au-pair/nanny

They are taking the absolute piss!

You got help from ILs and your parents. That is great, but that is a different situation. I understand you want to help out, I would too but they are ripping the piss.

My BIL (DH brother) has his MIL living next door she helped out every single day when they were small. Still does as early teens. Also his mum took their kids 1 full day per week. Should that mean BIL now owes me and DH childcare to be 'fair' because he had his MIL to help. That his mum was in a different position and cannot offer the same to us? No! We got childcare sorted.

Is the mum self employed? Does she know what your DB is pulling over on you?

You would be an absolute fool to allow your brother to take advantage of you like that.

This sounds like very controlling behaviour. Stop being so available on your days off. They need to sort their child care out themselves, whilst you put them first they know they can demand anything from you and you will give it.

You really shouldn’t feel guilty about your parents helping you out. You were on your own having split from your partner. They have each other.

They should have sorted this out before they even thought about having children.
I think they’re trying to guilt trip you into helping.
How are you supposed to wf(b)h if you’re looking after baby.
Your priorities are your dc not your brothers. Your dc must come first. Your db is expecting you to drop everything and put his dc first. Just because you have your expartners family to help they are one extra pair of hands which your db and sil already have.

Its a definite no from me.

I think they are being extremely rude asking you and probably think you will say no. They probably planned this all along. One of them need to be the main carer if they don’t want to put dc into nursery. It’s their problem OP, not yours.

Oops! Meant to say. They probably think you will say yes.

They are absolutely taking the piss out of you. You are a single parent with one disabled child, with a little bit of support from the child’s dad and his parents. You have one income and a bit of CM. In comparison they are two parents with one baby, two incomes coming into the house. If anything - they should be helping you out!

They only scenario where it would be unreasonable for you to not help them out, would be if they were very hands on helping with your child when they were a baby. If they offered you free childcare and help, then I could understand if they felt it should be in some way reciprocated. But you don’t mention anything like that. So sounds to me like they are trying to guilt-trip you into helping them out, at detriment to yourself and your own child. They are utterly selfish.

Stop going round on your day off and stand up for yourself.

A unanimous no here.

Don’t offer anything; they are CF. Their baby, their decisions to make and childcare to sort. Your childcare arrangements and any help you get are fuck all to do with them. What will they do if your child is unwell and you have to stay home? Berate you about how inconvenient it is and that they need you? You already know your CF DB will not take turns-he will go in the office and lock the door as he does now.

just no

You do realise he won’t be thinking of this short term? It’s going to be a long term commitment.

Regardless of what your in laws provide, this is NONE of his business and nor your responsibility to feel burden upon.

Childcare is the parents issue not yours, their personal wants don’t override your personal needs.

No, no and no again.

They knew their circumstances before having a baby - how did they think things would go?

Do not run the risk of losing a working pattern that works for you and your DS - they would not make the same sacrifices to help you.

I feel sorry for your child, all of your attention is being devoted to your brother's child and her quality of life will eventually be compromised, left late at school, something distressing is bound to happen to her eventually if you let your routine get hijacked by your brother.

Keep your eyes on the ball and your brother will have to learn that having an a sister does not entitle him to free childcare, he wouldn't have asked a brother I'll bet.

Just outright say no. 12 week olds are actually incredibly easy IMO compared to say 6 months so this set up isn't going to work for much longer. The sooner they realise this the better.

Yes she is too young for childcare but that is why we have maternity leave, paternity leave or shared parental leave. Either of them can take shared parental leave and look after their daughter or they can pay for childcare

They are 100% taking the piss!!!
You have reached a work-life balance that works for you as a single parent with a disabled child and they are not entitled to guilt you into thinking you must help them!
You had help from your parents when your marriage broke up and you were left with a disabled child..........that is not the same as them choosing to have a child and not arrange childcare.

They can't now they've returned though? Or is there a way around that. I'm assuming mum started her mat leave really early or something.

You really need to reframe the help you are getting from the ex-ILs: they are your child's grandparents, and are just doing what many grandparents do.

OMG!! They are being cheeky fuckers. A: you have enough to do in your own life. B: how much help do/did they offer with you with dc, I wonder? And C: Just say no. They need to sort out childcare for their own bloody child. Did they not think about this when theye decided to ttc??

Honestly, this has made me really angry on your behalf, and I don't even know them. Just say no.

The most I would offer in this situation is one or two days a week, go over after I'd picked my DC up from school to give DB chance to do some uninterrupted work. Feed your child while there and give him chance to interact with his cousin etc.

OP - I presume DB lives very, very close to you!

OP, do not do this! You will set a precedent and it will not end there.

They need to sort out their own childcare, if neither one of their parents are unable to help.

You have enough on your plate to do this. Especially since he asked in a really manipulative way.

"Dear Bro, yes, I have had help, from people who were in a position to offer it. Unfortunately, as a working single mum with a disabled daughter, I'm not in a position to offer the level of childcare required for DN; I find care for a small baby is really a full time job in itself. I love you all dearly and hope you find a solution that works for you all soon xxxx"