To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Just stopping by to say 100% that saying no is absolutely,utterly the right thing to do. They should have made plans for how THEY ,care for THEIR baby , and that doesn't involve you. Good god, you have enough on your plate without being an unpaid carer for their child. They need a big wake-up call. Just don't go to theirs for the foreseeable future. I'm sorry ,but I feel angry on your behalf.

P.S I think that you are a very kind thoughtful person,they know that and are confident that they can take advantage.

Nanny's cost about £11-£12 an hour. I would suggest they hire one.

First, I have to ask, why don't you always have a car?
After that, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty over. Your EX-Ils are STILL not your DS's parent. That is you. You need to focus first and foremost on him. Next in the line is YOU. If you don't relieve stress on yourself, you and your DS will be the ones paying the piper.

Just because your parents helped you with your DS after your Ex-P split is NOT a reason for you to feel guilt-tipped into helping them. There is ONE of you and you have a DS that takes more care and consideration than some other children. Your NVDB and his wife have ONE child and both of them to handle it. They are using you and using your kindness and "guilt" (that you have no business having), to get you to be their beck and call babysitter. Let them hire someone to come to the house so that NVDB can go lock himself into his room and work.

Not your circus and not your clown car. You don't need to be the one to figure how to fit them all in.

So your DC GP’s helped with childcare, I don’t understand how that means you now owe your dbro childcare? I mean you may owe the grandparents a bit of help but your dbro is basically being a cheeky fucker.

You are being taken for a fool.
You are letting your own child down - you can't meet ds from school when you're holding dn.
Your brother is a selfish person who doesn't give two hoots about you, he just wants to make his own life easier.
So, now what?
'Brother, I can't meet my prior commitments if I'm looking after your daughter.'
And stop. Stop doing it.

As you’ve said, you did not work until after your child was 12 months old. If they’re all about things being the same, one of them needs to take maternity/paternity leave too.

Saying that, I would not be agreeing to help them at all, the sheer audacity of their request shows the demands will continue to escalate

SIL needs to take maternity leave. Can you offer 1 day to work from his?.

That would be a big fat no from me. It doesn't matter what your parents and inlaws did or do for you and your dc. You don't owe him childcare. He chose yo have a dc and he can sort the childcare out. If he feels your parents ought to be helping him he can take it up with them.....maybe when he becomes a single parent of a disabled child like you. Stop going over to his place if you are unable to just put the baby down and say 'I have to leave now'.

Completely outrageous!
Firstly no company would allow to WFH whilst caring full time for a baby, they're a full time job in themselves. I work in senior management and I'm flexible around sone childcare or elderly parent needs but I'd be extremely firm with a NO if someone asked me if they could have the arrangement your DB/SIL wants - it's way beyond cheeky!

Secondly your ILs will help you out, I'm sure they'd be pissed to be doing loads more to help out your DB /SIL because of their lack of wanting to pay for childcare

WTAF are they thinking, they can't do that without childcare support and they need to factor it into their lives with THEIR child
I'd tell them no IL can't commit and work won't allow it either as they're only flex due to your DC disability, and don't allow generic childcare at home whilst working for them
Your DB/SIL are what you'd call extreme CFs

Their set-up is completely insane but also not your problem. Don’t be a doormat and compromise your own job and your son’s needs because they are seemingly refusing to pay for childcare/going back to work incredibly early.

Also do not feel guilt that your ex in-laws help. You are on your own and are fortunate but that doesn’t mean you owe your brother anything. He is taking the absolute piss locking himself in the office.

This. Stop blaming your db and SIL for your silly choices. You are choosing to go there knowing what he's doing and then complaining about it??

Tough. He doesn't have the same in laws. Doesn't mean you owe them.

Tell him your work doesn't allow it.

Is this an arrangement he's planning til the child starts school? New borns are demanding but absolutely nothing like a toddler or preschooler who will need constant stimulation. It isn't a workable solution for any of you and they need to sort out formal childcare immediately.

Or. OR! The dad could take paternity leave. That is also very possible. Sometimes people with a penis can be parents too, you know.

JFC this is nuts! Say no.

Given your situation OP I wouldn’t commit to any regular childcare.

Your own child is suffering because your DB is a CF.

Time for Big Girls Pants and say no.

People like your DBro are why so many people are being asked to go back to the office. For every 9 people who swear they are much more efficient from home and not taking the piss, there is 1 looking after a 12 week old.

OP this request would be ridiculous even if you didn’t have a child. I can’t believe they’re even thinking of it! And you must be a massive people pleaser to even consider it - most people would have laughed in his face. The truth is you can’t work and watch a baby at the same time, so either they should have taken Shared Parental Leave or your brother needs to become a stay at home dad until they’re happy to use childcare.

I would pull right back and make it clear you can’t offer any childcare whatsoever. Give these cheeky mares an inch and they’ll take a few hundred miles by the sound of it!!

AIBU? No
Am I being a doormat!? Yes

The number of women on this site who post about being unable to say no and feeling guilty about saying no is astounding. Your DB sounds like a bully who knows how to manipulate you into getting his way.

Realize you have choices.
Realize No is a complete sentence
Accept that your behaviour may have consequences, like not making everyone happy, and be ok with that
Set boundaries according to what you need, or want to do, or are willing to do

This is not selfish. This is adult behaviour. Have a look at Brene Brown’s books to help you understand this.

He is being absolutely ridiculous and manipulative.

They need to sort out paid childcare. It is not your problem.

Please don't even consider this, you'll regret it. They need to grow up and realize that they can't both work full time with a 12 weeks old without any childcare in place.

And you absolutely don't owe him anything. You were lucky that your ILs were able to help. It's unlucky for your DB that your parents and his ILs are not able to do that, but that is not your issue.

I am actually quite angry on your behalf, because he is guilt tripping you.

OP, read the first two sentences of your opening post again. That's all you need to say to him

It would be a very hard no from me.

You're already doing too much in my opinion and your db is taking the piss already, without the extra days.stop going round on your days off, or at least go round AFTER you've picked up your dc.

He mentions your dp's help, but that's not his business, you are a single parent, his child has two parents, just because they've decided to split the childcare doesn't mean you have to pick up the slack.

Tell him to do one and sort proper childcare.

@HelpingWithDNNoThanks
They are taking the piss. Very clearly they have underestimated the change a new born brings and naively thought baby would slot into their lives rather than they having to change.

Your circumstances being brought up to try & manipulate you into helping is poor form.

My response would be to call out the manipulation and say with kindness no. A firm no do this is nipped in the bud. Be less available for a while too. They need to figure this out themselves.

Assuming baby was planned they've had time to plan this. Either or both can take maternity leave for a time. And they've had time to save for the lower income during maternity.
All the best x

They're being outrageous. They can pay for a childminder like everyone else. Just stop going.