To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

Your obligation is to take care of your own DC and BTW to take care of yourself! That is not compatible with what DB is trying to manipulate you into doing. Sounds like he is in the UK, hence eligible for shared parental leave if the couple reject the idea of child care.

Why not show DB and SIL this thread with 99% on your side?

YANBU. Your brother is being very unreasonable. His work/employer is incredibly tolerant of him basically taking care of his baby while he’s “working”. Although it seems he’s mostly handing the childcare over to you.

Don’t do it!

BTW I agree that the help you are already providing may be enough to put your job at risk. If I were your LM, I would be glad to accommodate your need to care for your own DC. I would feel badly taken advantage of if I learnt that the arrangement had spilt over into providing the care for DN that you have described. What DB is proposing would have me asking you to choose between the job and the arrangement.

This.

The baby needs stability and a consistent caregiver. Baby needs to bond and form an attachment so that they can develop securely.

Your B and SIL need to be told to get their shit together before they cause immense harm to their 12 week old baby.

Absolutely no fucking way. Just say sorry I have enough in my plate....do not bend.

Given how he's behaved when you visited by locking himself in his room etc, tag teaming would likely comprise if you doing over 80% of the care. Once your DN is more mobile it will get EVEN HARDER! (Memories of trying to grade papers with a crawling toddler)...

Don't do it. Tell him there is no way your work would accept you looking after a child while working.

They can hire a bloody nanny, the cheek of them!!!

The absolute audacity of him to ask, let alone guilt trip you.

Everyone is responsible for their own child. Let's start there. Any help you get is a bonus, not an entitlement.

Your child has a disability, theirs apparently doesn't.

Your child is in a single parent household, DN has two parents.

This is outrageous.

Poor baby.

Tell them you won't be doing this again. Your child is your priority and they need to sort childcare.

Your brother is taking the piss. He has his wife to help him, she can rearrange work to be able to help. It was your parents and ILs who have helped you, not him. you can help them when they need instead of your brother.

Please read and reread this post if you’re feeling guilty. Your brother needs to take paternity leave for his baby. It’s outrageous to suggest you should be the main carer during the day whilst you work (which is what will happen). How entitled and selfish.

I would also be keeping an eye on how they act as parents and if they actually step up. Selfishness can tip over into neglect.

You can’t both have jobs with a baby and no childcare!! You should tell your’d’bro he’s a selfish shit and if he tells you how easy you have it one more time he can do a week of extra pick ups and doctors appts and all the standard that is parenting a disabled child. Say you’re sorry he thinks they both deserve to be able to have jobs and a baby without paying for childcare but that’s not the situation he’s in. Ask him how often he’s helped you when you were separating or ds was unwell, and tell him you aren’t the universes karma machine.

whats happening here is he sees logically that his wife should go to work but he’s a man and it isn’t fair that he give up work. But he has a sister! Who’s a woman! She should be helping me! It’s just selfish and entitled and you should keep your distance.

So what if you have your IL’s help for emergencies. That’s nothing to do with your brother, he’s not helping you.
your IL’s wouldn’t be helping out your brother if they weren’t helping you.

he could move nearer to his IL’s, he could hire a nanny, he could take paternity leave, he could be a SAHP, he could put baby in childcare.

your brother and SIL have actively chosen to have a double income household and not put baby in childcare. That’s their decision and logistics to work round. As a result, you don’t have as much disposable income as they do, so by his logic that’s not fair and he should share his household income with you so you have the same disposable income as he does.

not your circus.

don’t bother replying to your brother. And don’t go to his house. You need to retain your job and be there for your child.

your nephew/niece has two present parents. They need to parent.

You need to ask yourself why you have been programmed to feel guilty. Its not your problem. There’s helping family and family being absolute Cfers… this issue is an example of the latter.

You never mention DB ever helping you with weekly childcare while you've been a single parent of a disabled child.

Does he really think he deserves to be 'paid back' for the efforts of other people who supported you?

How has caring for a baby taken them completely by surprise (seemingly)? They had 9 months to think about organisation/making arrangements. Going back prior to this, they needed to decide if having a baby was feasible given their lack of capacity.

I can’t believe someone would lock themselves in an office, or that they are that entitled, or that you didn’t burst out laughing and call him a CF when he tried to push you into this.

This is madness. Be very careful offering to do anything as your brother is a user who will take advantage of your offer and land you in it again and again. Make no apologies. You are not in any way responsible for this baby. Sounds like he had some crazy notion all along that you would be their minder. After all you had such an easy life ..on your own ..caring for a child with disabilities..working ...NOT!!! He should be offering to help you. But even if you had a team of nannies you are still in no way responsible for his baby.
Also don't feel guilty about any help you got and 250 is the least your ex could pay so no apologies for that either. And your ex's parents get to see their gs and be part of his life so win for them. Don't make lots of excuses just keep saying. NO THIS DOESN'T WORK FOR ME!

I'm amazed you allowed him to lock himself in his office on calls. I would have been loudly banging on the door saying 'you need to look after your daughter now, I'm leaving.'

Why were you respecting his workspace while he was taking you for a mug?

You need to be assertive here and stand your ground. Your brother is defrauding his company by not being available 100 per cent of his working hours and is asking you to do the same! That risks your job and your income. You sound like you have a flexible and understanding boss which you need for your circumstances but that flexibility has come as a result of you proving your commitment and not exploiting their generosity . If they find out you are caring for a baby, you could lose your job and not get the same flexibility elsewhere. You also need to be careful not to take advantage of your in laws in order to cover their childcare as may lose their commitment. Also if you do this you know from your day off experience that you will be lumbered with the childcare.

It has to be a form NO to your brother. You also need to be clear if you are going round on your day off that he needs to be available at school pick-up time to take over else you will stop going round. I would also not be making yourself available every Friday so they don’t become reliant on it.

You need to tell your brother and SIL together that the plan they have is not viable so they need to rethink. They will need to take some maternity/paternity leave ( either of them they can take it now) and then use childcare of some form. Plenty of babies go from 3-6 months and they will have to do the same without an alternative option available. They have been very naive in their understanding of a young baby’s care needs.

Don’t do this! You have managed to juggle your own difficult work and child care commitments well but it sounds like you could be putting it in jeopardy by going along with this!

They are trying to guilt trip you by saying you had more help. There are two of them and they need to change their work schedules to fit round the baby not you.

Definitely say no. Why should your life be made significantly harder for their choices? Yes your parents and ils help you. That doesn't mean you have to help your bro. I'd guess if you started asking him to have your kids while he's working he would say no. Be firm .

They need to find alternate help. They are attempting to force you into asking other people for favors in order to have you do them a favor. That is too much. Also, so what if others helped you? You were going from two adults to one adult household. They are a two-adult household. I am sure that there is some friend or family member or neighbor that would be delighted to earn a little bit of money watching a baby for a few hours while he works. Sure, family should help each other, but the help requested should correlate to the help needed.
They are asking for a lot more help than they actually need. Or, if they do need that much help for some reason, they need to ask someone who has more resources than you. The very fact that you have to ask someone to care for your child to care for their child means that they are asking for too much.

They've got 2 parents not just one, 2 incomes, their child isn't disabled with the extra challenges that brings, do you think your DB feels guilty about any of that? He very obviously doesn't because he's willing to use you to facilitate his life and save money. He and SIL have made a choice about how parenting should be for them and they expect you to bare a big chunk of the cost. They didn't ask or discuss they simply dumped it on you, put their baby in your arms and made you feel bad so you'd do what they want. There are two of them, the support from your ex-ILs or your own parents is nowhere the level of support you get in a couple, living together. Your DBs behaviour is completely unreasonable and not ok in any way. I wouldn't be going to their house on a weekday for a very very long time and I would be doing zero babysitting for them until there was a genuine heartfelt apology for his behaviour towards you. .

I’m sorry but are we not questioning why the mother has no maternity ? This is strange
shouldn’t she be at home with baby whilst your brother works?
what a bizarre set up

What in the actual fuckery fuckening is this?

Help you had, or have, from anyone other than your DB and his DW, is absolutely none of his business.

You do not owe them help because you had help from others. That ain't how it works.

They don't actually need help the way you did/do. They would like help as it would ease their consciences and allow them to live the way they want to, and save money.

Your priorities are:

Your child.
You.
Your employer.

Everyone else comes after this and he and his wife come a loooooooong way down near the bottom of that list.

Say no.

You are not in a position to help, your employer pays you to work, whether from the office or from home. They do not pay you to work part time from your brothers home whilst minding his baby - and it would be that because the chances that you'd actually 'tag-team' with him are as I think you realise, absolutely fucking nil.

I’d say with them both working full time they can put baby in full time nursery btw and get 85% costs paid from gov, may aswell get her properly looked after.
what is the point in having a baby tho

Her father was there. Do you really genuinely feel your brother would do that if you told him you were going and left? That's pretty appalling. If his reaction to you coming over to help is to force you to mind his child don't go over, don't let yourself get put in that situation again. Say no and hang up if he asks. They'll sort their own child soon enough when it's impacting their jobs instead of yours.