To not look after DN during the week?

[HelpingWithDNNoThanks]

I’m a single parent to a disabled DC, who is now aged 8 almost 9.

I work 25 hours a week, and run myself to the ground basically. DCs dad (my ExP) sees them 1 weekend a month for 2 nights, no more no less. ExP does however pay CM and not a small amount (over £250/month) which I know I’m lucky to get. I am lucky that my work are fairly flexible due to DCs conditions and my circumstances, they are happy for me to wfh fulltime if I need to – but I don’t and only wfh on days DC has appointments or if the school call me to pick DC up I finish off my work at home on those days. I do finish on time to do the afternoon school run no matter whether I’m in the office or wfh.

DBro and his DP (I’ll call SIL for ease his DP is female) have a DC who is now 12 weeks old.

SIL returned to work 4 weeks post birth as DBro wfh 4 days per week with one day off. They are not using childcare as they feel DN is to young for it, and it’s too expensive.

My parents both work full time themselves and SILs parents live 3 hours away so they have no other help.

DBro has been inviting me over on my day off, handing DN to me and asking me to “keep an eye” while DBro finishes some work, I’m often there 2-3 hours and miss picking DC up from school or having to say no when school call me to pick DC up early, as I have no way of taking DN with me or handing DN over to DBro because he’s on calls and locks himself inside his office.

He’s just asked me if I’d consider wfh from his house on the 3 days I work and we tag team with DN. He says because when I split with ExP our parents both rearranged work to help with pick ups and drop offs and Ex-ILs are willing to pick DC up from school even if ExP isn’t that I have more help and owe it to them to help – Ex-ILs are retired and DC is their only grandchild, so if I text them and said “Could you grab (DC) from school and I’ll grab them at 6pm on my way passed” they’d do it and DC would not only be fed but come home with a packed lunch for school the next day too which DBro knows.

But I want to say no. I love DN and I am thrilled that DC finally has a cousin, but I don’t want to throw my work places understanding and generosity back in their face when they’ve been so good when I’ve needed emergency leave (DCs condition means sometimes they need urgent surgery and as I’m the primary carer all the care falls to me after the surgery and work have been great at letting me drop everything and be there for DC with little to no notice).

I have said I am happy to pick DN up from a Nursery or Childminder a couple of times a week or drop DN off on my way to the office for free to help them out but they keep saying DN is far to young for childcare and I should understand because my DC didn’t go until they were almost 2 (again Ex-ILs had DC and I tried to pay them, and constantly offered but they refused – that’s not my fault or problem).

I get DBros position, but he or SIL could take leave or quit one of their jobs if they don’t want to pay for childcare.

AIBU?

My parents have offered to do before and after school type hours or drop offs and pickups to childcare but will not do full days.

My brother thinks my ex-ILs will pick up the slack with my DC I think, he hasn't said so but he often points out that "(ExPs) parents help you out a lot though and I know they'd do more". I know they would but I don't rely upon them as they're also entitled to take holidays or breaks or whatever, DC is not their responsibility. I also work around them, so before putting the car in for MOT or arranging an appointment near work (they'll pick DC up and bring DC to me at work saving me fuel, again I offer to reimburse and they never take it!) and never get annoyed if they say they're on holiday or can't because they're out for lunch or similar.

You also need to be mindful of your own work situation. They have been brilliant and much more supportive than your brother…. You don’t want to jeopardise that.

Although maternity leave has finished shared parental leave (SPL) is more flexible and they may have a chance to still use this

If both parents requested shared parental leave on a pattern of 1 week working and one week SPL alternate

A potentially way of using it whilst keeping salaries high and the child well looked after would be

• both parents requesting SPL on a pattern of 1 week working and 1 week SPL, alternate weeks
• on the working week they each use 2 days annual leave
• on the SPL weeks they each use 2 SPLIT days, each parent is entitled to 20 split days (same as kit days)
• They would get 50% of their standard salary, plus each get SPL on alternate weeks and be paid for the two days they work in those weeks
• This would mean Mum works 3 days and Dad 2 days, child has someone to look after them everyday
• This could go on until annual leave/split runs out but can effectively be done for a full year after child born. 2 SPLIT days per SPL week for 10 weeks of this pattern would see them through 20 weeks and standard annual leave is usually 20 days per year plus bank holidays. Baby would then be 7 months and old enough for nursery

Your brother needs to back off from you and your limited time. He sounds very entitled and it's not your problem to solve, sadly for him.

Seriously don't even start down this path.

Has he ever looked after your child?

Just dial down your responses or agree that its hard and then change the subject. Say something "gosh you're so lucky that there's two of you to share the load, it's exhausting isn't it?"

Talk about your own problems with juggling everything. Work being stressful, lots on, deadlines etc. Mention the cost of living.

Basically beat him at his own game and he'll get the message and move on.

It really isn’t up to your brother who cares for your dc. He seems to not care that you will have less time with your dc. Isn’t that important.
Your dc, their needs, their routine and their ability to spend time with you OP is important and should not be compromised by your db and sil inability to sort out their own childcare.
They’ve had 9 months to sort something out.
If your SIL is the main earner then your db needs to take paternity, be a SAHD or suck it up and sent dn to nursery. Just because they don’t like either of these options is not your problem.

@JaneBeyre He has done the occasional bit of babysitting during the daytime, we're talking a few hours when I've had a gap of childcare during school holidays, maybe 2 or 3 times since I got my job and none at all since before covid.

They won't use childcare, they've said DN is to young, I have asked what age they'd put them in and they said 2 or hopefully even 3.

Why can't they employ a nanny to work in their house? How is that any different to what you'd be doing.

Say no and keep saying no. They are being CF.

If they won't use childcare then one of them needs to look after the baby, it is no on else's responsibility when they are refusing an option that plenty of parents use.

None at all since before Covid?

Ok well there you go. No need to feel obligated.

Dial down your responses, look up grey rock technique. Get busy with your own life. This is not your problem to solve.

Your arrangement with you PIL is none of your brothers business. The point is you have managed to make suitable arrangements for your child and how that is managed is not his business. He has bizarrely chosen not to make arrangements for his child and seems to think the solution is you. Presumably you were not involved in his decision with his partner to have a child so it is not up to you to be the solution if you cannot do it as you have a job that you are paid to do.

Do not let him guilt trip you. This is not your problem and your brother will have to find a long term solution himself.

What?! I have never heard such outrageous cheekiness in my life.

Their childcare issues are not your problem. They need to get proper childcare in place, absolutely unbelievable and entitled to expect you to do this.

Tell him to get stuffed

It sounds like they're freaking out and didn't really have a viable plan. Unfortunately they need to learn to cope with this new reality without you propping them up so you need to stop going round on your "day off". I'm amazed you weren't more angry/scared when your brother locked himself away and forced you to care for his newborn to the point of missing your own commitments.

The point is, your brother overtly wants you to prioritise his baby over your child. He wants you to spend less time with your kid and outsource that to others so that you can essentially help him and his partner keep up their double income.

Does that seem fair to you?

OP, kindly, youa re being a walk over. Your DB is massively taking the piss, expecting you to provide him free childcare while you are working, to the detriment of your own work and ability to look after your own kids. What if your work get wind of this and sack you? Or at least think you are taking the piss and stop being so fleixble with you? Your Ex-ILs might start to feel put upon too if they are picking up the slack with your DC while you are looking after your DN.

Say no, it's an unreasonable request. They are two parents and they want to put their responsbility on a single parent relative. Massive massive piss take and NOTHING to feel guilty for.

I think I would have laughed in his face when he asked in your circusmtances....

This is utterly ridiculous. If you lose your job, will your DBro support you until you find another job that is so supportive? No, I don't think so.

You are actually failing your (disabled) child if you stay looking after DN when you should be collecting your DC etc.

Do not go back there again... and think about your boundaries and how you can manage to develop healthy ones as clearly some people think you are a pushover. You need to do this for you and your DC.

Childcare and how it will be managed is one of the key considerations when having a baby and yes, that means there will be a dip in the household income to raise the baby. Whether that is to pay someone else for childcare or because a parent takes leave/decides to be a stay at home parent in order to raise child. How did they not even think about this?

Tell your brother to look at his company's parental leave policy. If SIL doesn't want to take leave, doesn't mean he can't take paternity leave.

Are you in the UK? Most places offer paid leave for at least 6 weeks don't they so not sure why anyone would choose to go back after 4! Both parents can share parental leave.

I was barely held together by my stitches at 4 weeks post partum & so sleep deprived there would have been no way I could have done a good job on the work front!

You would be risking your job doing this.

No employer would allow this.

The brass neck of them.

Tag-team indeed 🙄

Just remember this is about money. They want you to compromise your job and your relationship with your in-laws to save them money. They want to continue working full-time for the income but not pay for childcare. So you are supposed to work and mind their child at the same time? Insane. The absolute neck of them to suggest it.

You have to put your child and your job first, so you have to say no. Their childcare is not your problem and they should have sorted all of this out properly when they got pregnant.

You can't be ignoring your own DC to help them out and they really should understand that if your DS has extra needs. They are being very selfish.

They can't have it all ways. If they think he is too young for child care then a parent should be looking after him. One of them should be on maternity/paternity leave.

There's so much wrong with this.

Firstly, if you pick up your DB and SIL's childcare, you will risk losing the support of your work and ex-ILs because they'll label you as the piss taker as soon as they get wind that you're spending time helping someone else out. Their being flexible and helpful is based on the idea that you need it, which you do, and if they see you as taking advantage of that help so you can spend time helping others then you don't look like you need it.

Secondly, there's a 4 week old baby in the middle of this - if you genuinely think if you were to put the baby down and walk away that her father would ignore her, that's a HUGE concern. It's neglect and it's awful. That poor baby didn't choose to come into the world, and she's being treated like an inconvenience (not saying you're doing this, but the two people that are supposed to love her more than anything in the world seemingly can't be arsed with providing her with such a basic human need of love and attention.). Even if her mum needed to return to work after 4 weeks, a full-time, regular caregiver should have been arranged so that your DN would have some sense of consistency. Of course what your DN really wants and deserves is her own mum, but we won't go into that debate here.

Thirdly, now your child is losing out on you being able to pick them up on time or early from school. You haven't detailed the extent of their disabilities, but either way it could be a little confusing for mum to start being there less.

Your DB and SIL are, at best, awful CFs and you should never have agreed to this. It needs to stop now before you lose out on the support you have arranged and deserve.

Hell no. The pair of them need to step up as parents and pay for childcare of one of them reduces/compresses their hours.

It is not a viable solution for them to dump on you where they get all the benefit and you have all the issues and stress. They’re relying on your guilt and empathy to help them out because you’re a nice person. You’re still a nice person when you tell them a firm “no”.

Never mind altering your working pattern for drop off and pick ups either, cheeky fuckers, they are parents and there are two of them. You are on your own with a disabled DC, priority is to keep your DC happy and make sure you don’t burn out.

OP, you've done such a good job of getting your life set up to cope with a difficult set of circumstances. Any free time or flexibility that you have within that should be your own to do things that help you and improve your quality of life. He's a massive CF.

Why do they think it's relevant that your ex-ILs helped you? They didn't help you.

Stand firm, OP. You have enough on your plate and they are CFs - give them an inch and they'll take a mile!

I honestly can’t believe the entitlement of him.

Also can’t believe you are considering it. I’m sat open mouthed!!

If you think about it, he effectively wants your ex-IL's to provide childcare for his child...

Nah. I wouldn't be responding to any "invites" to pop round for the foreseeable future.

I can imagine your ex-IL's - "OP wants us to take on regular childcare for DGC because she's providing childcare for her DN because her DB thinks childcare is expensive"

I agree that your work wouldn't be very happy to discover that not only are they being very flexible around your own DC's needs, but you're now caring for someone else's child while you're supposed to be working too.

No, no, no, no, no!

DB and SIL really needed to have thought on this before they had the baby, not relying on someone else to solve problems of their own making!