AIBU to still expect them to pay their share of the holiday?

[somethingunpredictable2012]

We have booked a holiday for 4 families (been booked and planned for over a year), however one couple have announced they are expecting and so won’t be coming on the holiday as baby will be 2/3 months old when holiday comes round so they don’t want to go. The couple have paid the deposit but the balance of the holiday is now due. They haven’t mentioned paying their share of the rest of the cost of the holiday and when asked about the holiday at the time of their pregnancy announcement they simply said “oh yeh, we won’t be coming now, which is a shame, but never mind there will be other holidays”. Their conception and pregnancy has been difficult (no one was aware they were even trying for a baby previous to the announcement) and so bringing up the money/holiday has been difficult due to the issues they have had as there never seems to be a good time. But with the balance of the holiday now due and myself and DH having booked the holiday we are liable for the full amount if the other couple don’t pay their agreed part of the holiday. (Lesson learned never to do that again!). One couple have already paid their share in full and don’t want to pay anymore to split the cost of the 4th couple not coming. The other couple think we should just split the cost between us and suck up the extra cost (£800) so as not to put any more pressure on the couple not coming. The couple have ignored all messages relating to paying the final payment, but DH thinks they should pay up and I should contact them directly and insist they pay their share as agreed. I hate confrontation and don’t want to add to their issues if they are having a difficult pregnancy, but at the same time I don’t think it’s fair they just assume we will all now pay their share, as that wasn’t the cost we all agreed to and we could have actually found somewhere smaller which would have been cheaper. Obviously trying for a baby isn’t always easy or predictable but they would have known this may happen when we booked the holiday, but didn’t mention anything and they seem to have just washed their hands of it like it’s no longer their problem it’s now ours to sort out. It’s obviously causing a lot of tension between everyone involved. What would you do? Is it unreasonable to still expect they pay their share even if they don’t want to come anymore?

I would make this a group problem rather that something you need to sort out yourself given it affects the other families as well. I would convey all requests/discussions on the group chat for everyone to see. If the pregnant couple send you a direct message put that on the group chat and let them known that the others need to be involved. It will otherwise become personal between you and pregnant couple when in fact you did all the hard work organising the holiday for everyone in the first place. Time for one of the other couples to step up!

I don't think there's that much to be done if they won't pay their share, other than ask the remaining couples to split the extra cost. But I'd definitely be ditching those "friends", who are so entitled they think everyone else should be out of pocket because they've pulled out.

I think @towriteyoumustlive has posted a perfectly concise and reasonable message to send. No flannel, not pussyfooting around, and most importantly no scope for misunderstanding.

Hang on OP - no one has even asked them to pay yet?!?! This is classic Mumsnet madness where the OP freaks out about making a simple and entirely reasonable request because the OP assumes the people will be difficult because they haven't proactively offered the thing to be asked for.

I do think your friends should have pro-actively addressed this by offering to find someone else and saying they'd still pay if they/you can't. But just because they haven't offered doesn't mean that you are right to assume there will be a massive fight if you ask. For all they know, you've found another family to go with you or the remaining three families are happy to have more space and just split the cost three ways.

As PP have said, just send a message saying that the balance is now due, their share is £800, you have looked at rebooking a smaller place but it's not possible and anyway everyone will lose their deposit, so can they please pay asap. You can add in that you'll look for another family to come and if so get they will be paid back, but you are under no obligation to do so.

Of course if you ask and they are difficult about it then they are jerks and then it gets tricky, but don't assume that yet.

Perfect. You could also throw in that if they want to change their minds and come after all they are of course still welcome (assuming they can get the baby a passport quickly enough).

Assuming you have a holiday what's app
Drop it in there and 💣💥
Open conversation started

I'd message them and say "Now you won't be joining us for the holiday we have a shortfall of £800 on the booked property, I've tried to change to something smaller and cheaper but it's not been possible. I'm not sure how you want to handle this... perhaps you would like to arrange for someone to go in your stead?" Put the ball in their court and see what they say. With baby on the way they may not have given it much thought.

I think you’re falling into the pothole of making assumptions about intent instead of just having a straight forward conversation.

If you’re going to make assumptions in an awkward situation like this, the best is to assume that everyone is not aware of all the details (even the ones that are glaringly obvious to you)

“The rest of the money is due and by cancelling, the rest of the group is either going to have to pay £800 or rebook somewhere cheaper but lose £xxx

Do you have travel insurance (it can be a hidden benefit of other policies) that could cover it?“

The benefit of clear, calm communication like this is that if they are shafting you they have to come right out, face you down and say so, and don’t get to justify it to themselves or pretend it didn’t happen. And you definitely don’t have to simmer in silent resentment.

But if they’re just being dim and caught up in their own excitement, they get a chance to sort it out.

I’ve definitely been someone to avoid confrontation to “not sour the relationship”. I think in reality by avoiding it / if you pay up you’ll feel bitterness and resentment and the relationship will be soured anyway.

I think the language suggested by caffeinatemenow is tactful but clear.

A couple of messages have been sent to the whole group specifying who needs to pay what by when. They just aren’t replying…

Your friends still owe their share, it's only their circumstances that have changed and I think they need to be told as simply as possible and make it known that you still expect their share of the costs Why should you all chip in to cover their share!
However you say it, you may lose the friendship but it's not nice to discover your friends don't care about inconveniencing the rest of you

Message to the whatsapp group.

"Congratulations to Bob and Sue on their wonderful news! Is everyone free on Tuesday at 7pm to discuss what everyone is happy with regarding outstanding holiday payments due"

You need to meet as a group, including Bob and Sue, and discuss openly as grown ups. Friendships are only lost when people are not able to be honest about their feelings or they are being unreasonable.

I don't understand why they can't still go on the holiday. It is possible to travel with a baby.
If they decide not to that's fine but it's their decision and they still need to meet their obligation and pay their share

Cross posted
Message the couple directly and then DH ring afterwards

The couple not coming on holiday is unlikely to pay the outstanding amount.

The most likely outcome is that the holiday will be cancelled and everyone will lose their deposit.

If I had paid a fortune thinking I was going on a 'couples' holiday I wouldn't want a 2/3 month old baby in the house. It would massively change the dynamic of the holiday.

If it was me (on either side of this) I would assume that I still had to pay. There's no reason why you should pick up their share.

I would just send an e-mail to everyone involved reminding them that it is time to pay the balance, giving your bank details. You can conveniently ignore the fact that one couple has already paid. Don't even acknowledge that they might not pay.

The e-mail could also ask if anyone knows someone who could take pregnant couple's place so that THEY can get their money back.

Ah. Just read that they are not replying. Then I'm afraid you will have to chase. Just like you would chase anyone else. It's really not on that everyone else has to pay more.

This - except instead of you trying to find another couple that can go on the holiday the couple who are withdrawing from the holiday should and it should be told to them in that way.

For example:
You - Hi Adam & Eve, we understand that you're not going to be going to Hawaii now on holiday.
Them - Yes, unfortunately we won't be able to go due to baby being very small and we don't want to.
You - That's fine. Let us know the names of the people who you'll be finding to take your place, final payment is due and whoever you're sending in your place will need to pay the travel agent X amount by Y date.
Them - Ok, it'll be Cain & Abel. I'll pass the details on to them.

At least that is how any reasonable adult would deal with it, I would think.

It’s families rather than couples, so all good on that count, there are other children coming too. We would all be more than happy with having baby come on the holiday and have all said as much. But obviously I completely get each family knows what will work for them and if they don’t want to come with a young baby that’s up to them, it’s their choice. But I guess the issue is that it’s their choice that’s inconveniencing the rest of us.

How long ago did they say they weren't able to come?

I completely agree with this. No one should shirk out of responsibility. Whether that he paying up, splitting the cost, deciding to cancel, enormous big row or whatever.

You shouldn't be shouldering the responsibility, worry or inevitable falling out.

I'd always pay even if I was cancelling die to death or illness as I think it's unfair to let others down.

I think I'd open up the discussion by messaging something along the lines of 'just a reminder that the balance for the holiday is due on x. are you sure you're not coming, it seems a shame to pay all that money and choose to miss out!'

If they fall out with you for refusing to pay for their share of something that they agreed to and then changed their mind about.. they're not worth it

If they refuse to pay then the only solution is to cancel it for everyone. Book a smaller villa.

I think you will find legally whoever is the lead name on the booking is liable for the whole cost. Morally of course they need to pay their share.