Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

300 replies

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:21

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

OP posts:
Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:10

Breaking a plate and using it a a weapon is abusive.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 20:11

And you know him do you? How on earth do you know he is at the end of his tether??

Could you not read the OP properly?

Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:11

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:08

And you know him do you? How on earth do you know he is at the end of his tether??

Show quote history

If he’s asking for assistance from his friends to mediate, that sounds like he’s at the end of his tether.

You seem utterly determined that no matter what this woman is innocent everything is hearsay (even though the OP has witnessed some of it) and the man must have asked for it.

Do one with your victim blaming.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 20:12

a lot of the responses are from women. Believe it or not we’re not all biased against men who are being abused like you are.

Yep. Woman here. Both sexes can be abusive, women don't get a free pass because they're women.

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:12

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:10

Breaking a plate and using it a a weapon is abusive.

Breaking property in a rage is abusive. Clearly you know absolutely fuck all about abuse if you don’t understand this.

A lot of abuse starts with the deliberate breaking or damaging of property.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 20:14

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:12

Breaking property in a rage is abusive. Clearly you know absolutely fuck all about abuse if you don’t understand this.

A lot of abuse starts with the deliberate breaking or damaging of property.

Show quote history

Yes, and it make a sudden, loud noise. It's very intimidating as the husband knows from his dad doing the same during his abusive childhood.

Waiting to be told we only have his side of the story on that one, too.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:16

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 20:14

Yes, and it make a sudden, loud noise. It's very intimidating as the husband knows from his dad doing the same during his abusive childhood.

Waiting to be told we only have his side of the story on that one, too.

Show quote history

A sudden loud noise you say? Bloody hell, lock her up and throw away the key!

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/05/2023 20:16

What you can say is, I think you are under so much stress it’s damaging your marriage. I think you need to seek help. Your husband can say the same to hers.

You can say it a few times, but that’s it. You can’t fix other people or their marriages.

Talk to your husband and agree to stop discussing it between you, it’s a bit fucked up. These are two separate friendships, you should not be comparing notes.

Also, you are both getting a version of what’s going on - you don’t actually know, and by expressing personal opinions you could do more harm than good.

The ‘bad wife’ description is very misogynistic - she’s not just a wife - and it makes me think you and your husband are treating this a bit like a soap opera. I am sure not intentionally, but even so.

Lefteyetwitch · 16/05/2023 20:17

I would commend him and support him.
Speaking up against domestic abuse can be particularly tricky for anyone but the stigma surrounding male victims is still prevelant.
I personally would sign post him to DV charities and support him in leaving with the child.

She can access help and stop her abuse. Then they can work on a relationship. Be that as a couple or co parents.

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh do fuck off.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 20:18

Oh do fuck off.

👏🏼

SorryForTheRant · 16/05/2023 20:19

@CleverLilViper wish there was a way to like a comment 😂

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:19

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:18

Oh do fuck off.

Show quote history

That’s abuse, and hypocritical.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 20:20

I love that they're Greek now. Another fabrication. haughty sniff

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 20:21

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 20:20

I love that they're Greek now. Another fabrication. haughty sniff

😂😂 Anything to desperately try to prove a woman can't be abusive towards a man.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:22

The boys club on steroids with double standards as per.

Lotusflower16 · 16/05/2023 20:22

OP, there is not much you can do. She needs professional help and I say this as someone who has been going through infertility and ivf for the past 5 years. The rage and the heartbreak are very hard to control and there is only so much others can do.

When I started this crap journey, I had a few sessions with my therapist who told me how hard it is and how some relationships break down. I have chosen not to lose my husband and it has taken me years of controlling my emotions.

Keep in mind she hasn't even started the treatment and she is behaving appallingly. The side effects are brutal, the hormones and the emotional rollercoaster will be hard to manage.

As for the husband, I don't think there is anything he can do. He is not her therapist and he doesn't NEED to do anything. He can only suggest her to seek help and treatment asap. And yes, I agree, he is being abused. I wonder how many people would put up with being sworn at and blamed for something that can't be controlled.

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:22

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:16

A sudden loud noise you say? Bloody hell, lock her up and throw away the key!

Show quote history

Honestly there is no way you are this obtuse at all.

His own father used to do the same when he was a kid. No doubt the wife knows this and likely knows it’s a trigger for him and thus does it to intimidate him.

You see if he smashed a plate in a rage at her you’d sing a different tune but you’re fine with men being abused because well it’s just a man isn’t it?

As for it being her property therefore she can do what she likes with it- it’s his property too. So no she can’t.

and quit making your BS comparisons to what people do in Greece to celebrate. Even in Greece smashing a plate in a rage would be considered abuse.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 20:23

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:22

The boys club on steroids with double standards as per.

What?

I assure you, I am a woman. Where is saying we should listen to all abuse victims of either sex a double standard? That's the very bloody definition of the opposite.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 20:25

I assure you, I am a woman

Same but I'm guessing anyone who disagrees with her opinion must be male 🙄

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:26

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:22

The boys club on steroids with double standards as per.

Oh so now because we recognise that men can be victims of abuse at the hands of women we must be men with double standards.

Quit whilst you’re…. whatever you are.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 20:26

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:26

Oh so now because we recognise that men can be victims of abuse at the hands of women we must be men with double standards.

Quit whilst you’re…. whatever you are.

Show quote history

Behind. In soooo many ways.

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:27

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 20:19

That’s abuse, and hypocritical.

Show quote history

So words on a forum is abuse but breaking plates in a violent rage is a perfectly amicable display of emotion.

Gotcha.

CleverLilViper · 16/05/2023 20:31

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 20:26

Behind. In soooo many ways.

Show quote history

Exactly.