Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

300 replies

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 14:21

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 18:40

sadsack78 · 16/05/2023 18:38

I can only go on the info in your post here.
It sounds like your friend has had a real deterioration in her mental health. Potentially to the point where she is unsafe both to herself and others when she lashes out and loses control. I know infertility is a profound, terrible loss but she is acting out in abusive, unsafe ways around her dh and child.
I think it's okay to support her dh as a friend but i'm afraid you can't take the steps for him.
She sounds like she is too unwell to be going through Ivf right now. her husband needs to have a come to Jesus talk with her and tell her she urgently needs to seek psychiatric help or he doesn't feel safe being around her, or having their kid there. She needs some kind of medical intervention. If h actually puts that into words as an ultimatum, she might realize how serious her behaviour is and get help.

Thank you, I think you're right.

OP posts:
sadsack78 · 16/05/2023 18:40

and I am truly sorry for your friend. She is obviously going through something terrible and will need help getting out of it💐

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 18:42

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 17:15

Op, offer to go for a coffee and tell you are worried and are there if she needs you. signpost yo counselling and support.

Your dh should do the same signpost to counselling and men’s advice line.

Stay open and neutral

Yes will do thank you

OP posts:
Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 18:45

You are doing the right thing, hopefully your friend can access the support she clearly needs, and maybe she will have to consider suspending IVF or having a second child, and get some help to come to terms with that outcome. It’s sounds incredibly stressful and difficult for them.

GAD and other MH issues can present like this, irritability and irrationality. She needs to be completely well before becoming pregnant again.

It’s positive they both have good friends to talk to, especially the dh as men sometimes find it hard to be vulnerable.

Tandora · 16/05/2023 18:46

MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 18:40

Thank you, I think you're right.

Show quote history

So now you are saying that her Dh and child are unsafe around her?

(Also I can’t believe you are judging her for how much she plays with her three year old?!!)

itwasntmetho · 16/05/2023 18:47

It's not fair putting her parenting under a magnifying glass because she isn't playing with her child when there is a witness at the moment, lots of people don't play with their children even when they are not under stress. Watching someone closely with their child and making their emotions your project is a sure way to put them under extra stress.
If it's true what he says then her behaviour towards her husband is unacceptable and he should leave.

Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 18:52

Tandora · 16/05/2023 18:46

So now you are saying that her Dh and child are unsafe around her?

(Also I can’t believe you are judging her for how much she plays with her three year old?!!)

Show quote history

No I don't think they're unsafe around her. I'm also not judging, I'm explaining that the way she is around her son has changed. She used to play with him a lot and now she doesn't. I'm saying it's out of character for her which leads me to worry about how much she's struggling emotionally with everything that's going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaTonda · 16/05/2023 18:55

itwasntmetho · 16/05/2023 18:47

It's not fair putting her parenting under a magnifying glass because she isn't playing with her child when there is a witness at the moment, lots of people don't play with their children even when they are not under stress. Watching someone closely with their child and making their emotions your project is a sure way to put them under extra stress.
If it's true what he says then her behaviour towards her husband is unacceptable and he should leave.

I'm not 'watching' her. Like I said, I help with childcare so I see them a few times a week. One of the reasons I'm worried about her is that she has changed. One of the things that has changed is how she is with her son. If she never used to play with him then I wouldn't be worried as this would be normal for her. I hope I'm explaining myself well!

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/05/2023 18:56

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/05/2023 15:32

Some of these responses are appalling.

A man tells his friend he's being abused - and all the responses are either disbelieving him completely or saying he must have done something to deserve it. A couple of people have even said they wouldn't believe it as they haven't witnessed it themselves Hmm

Honestly - OP, this man needs to leave before the violence escalates even further. And he should take his DD with him - leaving her with an abusive parent would be extremely negligent.

Exactly. They'd never say it if it was the OP female friend talking about her husband. It's such double standards. And regardless of how painful secondary infertility maybe, there is absolutely no excuse to abuse the person you love or your child.

Jonnycakes · 16/05/2023 19:04

The sexism on here is amazing! If a woman had come to her friend and asked for help because her DH was screaming and throwing things every month when she didn’t fall pregnant, and was asking for help from her friend and husband because he was friends with him, everyone would be supporting her to get out! But because it’s the man is it ok for him to go through this every month? Ok for a child to witness his mum shouting at his dad? This is domestic abuse, and to blame it on infertility is insulting to those who’ve been through it. She isn’t getting what she wants and is blaming her husband and is abusing him. Op, support her husband to find some counselling and let him know he has a safe space with you. Be blunt to your friend, tell her she needs to get some help, you’ve seen her outbursts and they’re unpleasant to see.

Aaaaandbreathe · 16/05/2023 19:07

Wanted to read the full thread but got to page 3 and I'm absolutely disgusted with some of the responses.

The man is being abused. The child is also paying the price for the wife's behaviour.

I know it's already been said, but not a single person here would say 'give the man break, it's ok to be abusive to his wife and child because he's stressed'.

The man (also a friend) has asked for help in tears because he can't cope with HER behaviour. I am absolutely astounded that PP have said she 'can't help it'. Roles reversed you'd all be crying Woman's Aid, get proof so you can fight him in court as he is a bad parent.

Don't know if it's your place but someone needs to be straight with her and tell her that her disgraceful behaviour is going to lose her her family - and they'll be better for it away from her.

What is wrong with people on this site. The woman is not fit be a mother currently to the child she has never mind another one. STOP victim blaming just because the victim has a penis.

standardduck · 16/05/2023 19:13

She sounds abusive and I feel sorry for her DH and child. I don't understand what's wrong with PPs trying to justify her behaviour.

The last thing she should be doing is trying to bring another child to this mess.

I don't think she will take it well if you try and talk to her about it. I would encourage her DH to leave her (as I would advice anyone who is in an abusive relationship, whether they are male or female). He needs to put his child first.

CabbagePatchDole · 16/05/2023 19:13

Your friend is more than struggling. She sounds quite unwell and should be receiving professional help to deal with her fertility (and other) issues. I am sad for you all and hope you get a good outcome.

BigglyBee · 16/05/2023 19:16

Her behaviour isn't the best, but she is under huge stress and is clearly suffering. Her HUSBAND needs to help her, and hopefully to convince her to seek help.

If you speak to her, it will mean that she knows her husband has been bitching about her to you. She will feel isolated and betrayed. That isn't going to help at all.

Catastrophejane · 16/05/2023 19:20

It sounds like she’s got depression. Angry outbursts are a symptom, but women generally are trained to internalise their anger.

The last thing she needs is a talking to- she already feels the world is against her.

but if you show her compassion and understanding for what she’s going through, it’ll take the wind right out of her sails.

maybe say you’ve noticed how difficult things must be for her right now gently suggest counselling ( on her own first)

I suppose every time it fails is like a grieving process.

Dibbydoos · 16/05/2023 19:21

Be a friend and tell her honestly. Her hormones could be partially to blame, but still noone can live with a banshee for long and her 3yo is being abused by her.

Tandora · 16/05/2023 19:26

Aaaaandbreathe · 16/05/2023 19:07

Wanted to read the full thread but got to page 3 and I'm absolutely disgusted with some of the responses.

The man is being abused. The child is also paying the price for the wife's behaviour.

I know it's already been said, but not a single person here would say 'give the man break, it's ok to be abusive to his wife and child because he's stressed'.

The man (also a friend) has asked for help in tears because he can't cope with HER behaviour. I am absolutely astounded that PP have said she 'can't help it'. Roles reversed you'd all be crying Woman's Aid, get proof so you can fight him in court as he is a bad parent.

Don't know if it's your place but someone needs to be straight with her and tell her that her disgraceful behaviour is going to lose her her family - and they'll be better for it away from her.

What is wrong with people on this site. The woman is not fit be a mother currently to the child she has never mind another one. STOP victim blaming just because the victim has a penis.

If this were an abusive man do you think everyone would be telling OP to confront him about it? Of course not- that would be dangerous and put partner and child at further risk. The parallel you are trying to draw doesn’t even make sense on its own logic. If she is abusing him then he needs to think about what actions he needs to take to keep himself safe. If she is abusing her child, OP needs to call social services. So far OP said that she’s heard her shout at her three year old and not play with him as much. Hardly sounds like abuse 🙄

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 19:30

There are a lot of angry men on here that can not comprehend the difference between actual first hand accounts and hearsay.

Stop the hysteria and consider the fact that we do not know what happened, we really don’t - only that she has been snappy a few times and isn’t playing as much with her child - first hand observation by op. The rest is hearsay. I would give the same advice to a woman. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

MayThe4th · 16/05/2023 19:30

The last thing she needs is a talking to- she already feels the world is against her. as well it should be. Awful woman.

Aaaaandbreathe · 16/05/2023 19:33

BigglyBee · 16/05/2023 19:16

Her behaviour isn't the best, but she is under huge stress and is clearly suffering. Her HUSBAND needs to help her, and hopefully to convince her to seek help.

If you speak to her, it will mean that she knows her husband has been bitching about her to you. She will feel isolated and betrayed. That isn't going to help at all.

So it's ok if the husband treats his wife and child like that and it's the WIFE'S job to help him?

Jesus wept.

indigovapour · 16/05/2023 19:33

BigglyBee · 16/05/2023 19:16

Her behaviour isn't the best, but she is under huge stress and is clearly suffering. Her HUSBAND needs to help her, and hopefully to convince her to seek help.

If you speak to her, it will mean that she knows her husband has been bitching about her to you. She will feel isolated and betrayed. That isn't going to help at all.

Just to be clear, you're suggesting that the victim of her abuse should help her?

Tandora · 16/05/2023 19:33

MayThe4th · 16/05/2023 19:30

The last thing she needs is a talking to- she already feels the world is against her. as well it should be. Awful woman.

Awful woman

😮 you sound like Donald trump.

Blossombathing · 16/05/2023 19:37

It’s worrying the weight some people will give to second hand information!

No one is suggesting she is preventing him from leaving, he is a fully capable adult and can leave whenever he wants. No problem. He isn’t physically injured, he could leave tomorrow.

My friend had a full blown nervous breakdown, and was screaming and shouting and naked. Throwing things and suffering from psychosis, did his wife leave him? No, she got him sectioned and he got the help he needed. It was clear he really couldn’t help it. He is now recovering and they are getting through it together. Distress at this level is very common when MH problems are not addressed. Or she may have just blown a fuse. A one off and be deeply sorry. Or it may not have happened at all!! And either dh may be exaggerating for effect.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 16/05/2023 19:42

Or she may have just blown a fuse. A one off and be deeply sorry.

Oh, that's ok then. That's what my mum's best friend's ex said when he yanked a knife out of the dishwasher and threatened her with it. So she says, I mean, maybe she made it up because reasons.

MayThe4th · 16/05/2023 19:43

Stop the hysteria and consider the fact that we do not know what happened, we really don’t - only that she has been snappy a few times and isn’t playing as much with her child - first hand observation by op. The rest is hearsay. I would give the same advice to a woman. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. we never know the whole story. If a woman posted here that her friend had told her she’s being abused not a single person would say that we don’t know the whole story, that the poor love was obviously depressed/unwell and it must be so hard to go through what she’s going through yada yada yada.

There is never an excuse for smashing things or screaming at your partner. Never.

And while I wouldn’t have a word with her, I would end the friendship. l

Swipe left for the next trending thread