To tell my friend she's being an awful wife

[MommaTonda]

Long story sorry. A very good friend of mine has a 3 year old and for the last 2 years has been trying to get pregnant again. She's had all the tests done and no issues. IVF will cost them £12k and only 20% chance of success due to her age. She is understandably really struggling emotionally and I'm there for her all the time. I listen, help with childcare, help her research IVF options etc.

Her husband is the most lovely, supportive, patient man and he loves her and their 3 year old dearly. He is also a friend of my husbands and they talk a lot.

Every month when they realise there is no pregnancy they are devastated. My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc). This is not her normal personality and I'm massively worried.

I'm worried she's so obsessed with getting pregnant she's treating her husband like sh*t. She's also very short tempered with her 3 year old. As her friend I want to help. Her husband is at the end of his tether and has asked my husband and me to help.

When she is so emotionally unstable, am i being unreasonable to tell her straight? You're going to lose all chances of another baby if you continue treating your husband this way? Or should I just carry on supporting her but not say anything about how she's treating her man?

I really don't know how to help. I also want to avoid an "It's ok for you" scenario as I have 2 kids and got pregnant straight away so I literally don't know what she's going through 1st hand. But I can see it's bl*ody hard and I need to help her!

some of the responses here are appalling. If this was a man treating a woman in the way op describes it would be a unanimous LTB, because it’s a woman it’s fine, she’s struggling with a difficult period in her life don’t judge. Abuse is abuse no matter who is doing it. Men who are abusers often have traumatic issues too but it’s left for their family to help them while the spouse and children are advised to get themselves out of harms way.

I said abusive towards her partner and the child was also being affected.

I also didn't say she should confront her, I said she needs to be told and I'm not sure if it's the OP's place or not.

And no, I wouldn't suggest confronting an abusive man because OP is a female and the fictional man would enjoy abusing women who are generally weaker physically. That's why women keep being murdered. However, men can be frightened and murdered too...or is that ok because the woman was hormonal or some other sexist rubbish?

And on your pretend scenario, I'd be telling the fictional wife to leave with the child and contact Women's Aid. No different from the advice I'd give here except there is no Man's Aid as far as I'm aware.

We're into asking a woman who says she's been raped what she was wearing territory here.

Do we not have to start from a position that a man ringing his best friend crying due to emotional abuse is not making it up?

The hysteria on here!
We don’t even know it happened.

Breaking a plate is not abuse.
Swearing generally if it’s not directed at anyone is not abuse. People swear all of the time!
Shouting sometimes is not abuse if you are not directing it aggressively at someone, and sometimes people do shout at each other - breaking news (not)

For goodness sake get a grip.

So if her husband was swearing at her telling her it's her fault she's not getting pregnant and throwing plates across the room - what would your advice be?!

Your advice should be to the husband to LTB and fight for custody of the child.

Maybe he was crying because he is sad she is so depressed and he is struggling to cope?Disappointed about the IVF?

Everyone seems so keen to burn this ‘awful’ woman at the stake without even knowing the facts.

I think this is very sound advice. It would take that awful monthly ordeal off her shoulders. Give her some respite and maybe the chance to spend quality time with her 3 year old boy.

And get some perspective on the whole situation?

You don’t know that happened!
You have literally just made it up.

The OP said:

"(shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc).

If this happened, it is emotionally abusive, intimidating, unpredictable behaviour and he'll be on eggshells.

You make no sense. At all. If he were crying because she's sad, he'd say that, not that he's upset she's blaming him for everything.

Huh?!? Which part? It's in the OP:

My friend then turns quite nasty towards her husband (shouting, blaming him for everything, throwing her dinner on the floor, swearing at him etc).

Ok, maybe she threw the plate with her dinner on the floor rather than across the room. Still, not something anyone should put up with.

And the key word in your post is an important one: IF

OF it happened. We have no bloody idea as no one has so far bothered to ask her. I am sure she will tell a very different side of the story. But you just crack on!

We are not talking about a ten year old here, the dh CAN leave if he finds her behaviour unacceptable. Fgs. He has friends and resources, he can just leave! No one is suggesting he should do otherwise if he is genuinely that bad.

If you put those 3 elements together in a domestic situation, with small children involved, it absolutely is abuse. Without the shouting and swearing, throwing plates so they break must be frightening for a child / partner to watch.

No one should ever feel afraid of their partner or what they are capable of.

He has friends and resources, he can just leave! No one is suggesting he should do otherwise if he is genuinely that bad.

Oh, you mean the friend he has called and asked for help because he can't cope with her behaviour? I'm glad he didn't call you given you'd probably click your tongue and say "I'm sure she'd say different, Jim."

The point none of us know.

It seems strange someone would throw their own dinner on the floor. Could it have been an accident? And she swore for that reason?

I have covered DV courts for 20 years and that would be a first!

He didn’t ask for help to leave. Another fabrication.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s your place to intervene directly in their relationship. I think you could say you’ve noticed she is being badly affected by the situation, that you think she is behaving out of character and that you think she should seek some help- counselling, speak to her GP etc. she might not want to hear it, but sometimes it does take an outside POV to see things as they are.

I also think if a woman came on here and said her husband was behaving as your friend is/said her friend was being treated like this by her husband- blamed, verbally abused, having things thrown at them and regularly reduced to tears- then she’d be told the husband is abusive and to LTB (Or to advise her friend to). Any contributing factors would be dismissed as “not an excuse” etc. Some might suggest trying couples counselling as a last ditch attempt to safe the relationship- but often that is dismissed where there is abuse. It isn’t somehow ok because your friend is a woman- abuse is never acceptable. Whilst, I’m sure things are awful for her right now, but it doesn’t even come close to making her behaviour ok.

I think maybe your husband should point out to his friend that his wife’s behaviour is abusive, possibly/probably negatively impacting their young child, and that he should consider leaving. Or insist on some sort of counselling for his wife/them as a couple (though again, not sure how appropriate that is where abuse is occurring within the relationship) as her behaviour needs to change. I certainly think trying to conceive ought to be put on hold until their relationship is in a better place, her mental health and/or behaviour has been addressed. Bringing a baby into this seems a recipe for a disaster and unfair to all involved.

We are not talking about a ten year old here, the dh CAN leave if he finds her behaviour unacceptable. Fgs. He has friends and resources, he can just leave! No one is suggesting he should do otherwise if he is genuinely that bad.

He could do and he could take their child with him. He's reaching out to friends to see if it will help as he reached the end of his tether.

And you know him do you? How on earth do you know he is at the end of his tether??

Exactly, thank you.

If my best friend was behaving like this I would tell her straight. It’s not being a good friend to stand by and watch her husband end up leaving because she’s abusing him. Take her aside and tell her you’re worried about her, for her marriage and for her child. The abuse needs to stop and she needs to get counselling

The IVF is probably causing mood swings. Try to to be judgmental or get too involved.

a lot of the responses are from women. Believe it or not we’re not all biased against men who are being abused like you are.

Don't be so dramatic! It's really not your fault if their marriage fails.

Breaking plates is not abusive