Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To overrule husband cancelling family holiday?

147 replies

jesuarry · 15/05/2023 17:46

Have a 3 year old and an infant, 3 year old has been acting up today, and he smacked my husband who I heard lose it and say "hit me one more time and we're not going on holiday" obviously he did it again and I heard him say that's it, we aren't going. I went in to the room and said don't be ridiculous, we aren't cancelling a holiday that we've fully paid for. Don't make threats we can't keep. Started saying to 3 year old that it's not ok to smack, husband interrupts and says I can keep it, we aren't going and storms off.

I mean, we are. We leave a week today and we have paid in full we can't cancel it because of a 3 year old lashing out?! He's now texting me from upstairs saying it's cancelled and I need to back him up on this and not undermine him "like always" I don't undermine him but he makes threats we can't keep and that are to totally unrelated!!!

OP posts:

Danikm151 · 15/05/2023 17:48

A consequence a week into the future will have no meaning to a 3 year old. They don’t understand what a holiday is.

He needs to learn firm in the moment boundaries

Sparklfairy · 15/05/2023 17:48

Does he often make a fool of himself and back himself into a corner that he stubbornly can't backtrack from?

alibongo5 · 15/05/2023 17:49

I do think he is being ridiculous - of course you shouldn't cancel a holiday you've paid in full. But maybe you shouldn't have gone straight in the room to point this out but left it a little while until they'd both calmed down.

Quartz2208 · 15/05/2023 17:50

let him calm down first

then yes overrule him your 3 year old has no idea

tonyhawks23 · 15/05/2023 17:51

I'd go for a middle ground,show him your backing him up but agree with him to give the 3 year old a chance to make it up,a second chance at good holiday behaviour,practice sitting up nice for restaurants etc,make it a learning thing for you all.consequebce like that is irrelevant to a 3 year old so not going is defo cutting off your nose thing.

Attractedtotheofflimits · 15/05/2023 17:51

You should have stayed quiet and not said anything at all. He may not have cancelled the trip. Because you said something he probably felt like he has to take charge and put his words into action

GaspingGekko · 15/05/2023 17:53

TBH he said something daft and over the top in the heat of the moment. But then you went in and over-ruled him in front of the 3yo.

My parents were very much of the idea that if you say a thing you can't possibly back down. But it's just not true.
My DH will say things like that, but he then allows the kids to earn things back by changing their behaviour.

I honestly think the way you handled it was bad. You could easily have spoken to him afterwards, away from your child, rather than walking in and saying "that's not happening". Sounds like it's not the first time you've done it either from his comment.

Stressfordays · 15/05/2023 17:53

Talk about chucking his toys out the pram. Of course you don't cancel a holiday because a 3 year old has played up.

Ktime · 15/05/2023 17:53

He's being ridiculous. A 3yo won't remember what he did wrong soon.

Go without him.

Alargeoneplease89 · 15/05/2023 17:54

Yes silly to say it's cancelled but even worse to go into the room and contradict him- why not wait until the situation had calmed down and discussed it.

Surely you two need a plan on how to deal with your 3 year old so you are on the same page.

I wouldn't feel happy if my partner said that and didn't put on a united front even if I did say something stupid through the heat of the moment.

EarthlyNightshade · 15/05/2023 17:54

Can you still go and DH stay home with 3 year old?

itsgettingweird · 15/05/2023 17:55

The 3yo has no concept of what a holiday is.

He needs immediate consequences such as dad walking away and refusing to play. That's also a natural consequence - hurt people and they won't want to spend time with you.

If you don't go the 3yo won't actually have any concept of what he's missed out on even if he knows he didn't go on holiday.

LoobyDop · 15/05/2023 17:55

So where has your three year old learned about throwing tantrums to get your own way from? It’s a mystery to me.

Pompom2367 · 15/05/2023 17:56

I would over rule

OnlyFannys · 15/05/2023 17:56

Well tbf you did massively undermine him, I would have just left him to it, he obviously wasnt serious about cancelling the holiday

itsgettingweird · 15/05/2023 17:57

But your dh is right that you undermined him.

Your 3yo won't learn to respect his dad and behave for him of dad throws tantrums and you side with 3yo when he does.

CountZacular · 15/05/2023 17:58

I don’t usually agree with undermining another parent but I also agree with a ‘United front’ when the front is ridiculous. Your DH has thrown a tantrum which is on the same level as a 3 year old and he should know better.

Leave DH for now and discuss again later. If he really has cancelled it I’d be furious with him but I’m assuming it’s really just an empty threat at this stage. When he’s had a chance to cool down you need to have a frank discussion about appropriate punishments (and cancelling holidays a week away for a 3 year old is ridiculous).

Bansheed · 15/05/2023 17:58

Ugh. My ex would do something similar and make ridiculous threats as punishment. It annoyed the hell out of me and I divorced him, he still does it now apparently.

Punishments have to be appropriate and timely. It is not your toddler's faul5 that his father effective shows the critical reasonkng of a fellow 3 year old.

He wants to die on this hill, let him. I would speak to him about appropriate responses, if he won't back down, offer to leave him with the three year old.

Your marriage will be strained though, if he insists..

BellaJuno · 15/05/2023 17:59

Neither of you have covered yourself in parenting glory here. There was no need for you to intervene unless your DH was literally about to contact the holiday company to cancel. And your DH needs to dial back his ridiculous threats.

iusedtobeasize8 · 15/05/2023 17:59

That's a ridiculous punishment to give a 3 year old. He should have been punished at the time. Not going on holiday is punishing yourselves as you've paid for it.

Bluebells1970 · 15/05/2023 17:59

Which one is having the biggest tantrum ....

Curseofthenation · 15/05/2023 17:59

YABU. This was a situation where you have a quiet word with DH after DC is asleep about making empty threats. You didn't need to go into the room and undermine him like that. No wonder he is annoyed.

GuevarasBeret · 15/05/2023 18:01

Attractedtotheofflimits · 15/05/2023 17:51

You should have stayed quiet and not said anything at all. He may not have cancelled the trip. Because you said something he probably felt like he has to take charge and put his words into action

Alternatively, he could just grow the fuck up, and stop behaving like an absolute loon.
”You should have stayed quiet” my arse!

Saschka · 15/05/2023 18:02

Your three year old will neither know nor care whether a holiday next week is cancelled. The only person your DH is punishing is you (and himself, but that is up to him).

I’d go with the three year old and if your DH wants to sit at home in a sulk, let him.

Batiqueattic · 15/05/2023 18:02

He already didn't want to go on the holiday imo. This was just a pathetic excuse.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6