To overrule husband cancelling family holiday?

[jesuarry]

Have a 3 year old and an infant, 3 year old has been acting up today, and he smacked my husband who I heard lose it and say "hit me one more time and we're not going on holiday" obviously he did it again and I heard him say that's it, we aren't going. I went in to the room and said don't be ridiculous, we aren't cancelling a holiday that we've fully paid for. Don't make threats we can't keep. Started saying to 3 year old that it's not ok to smack, husband interrupts and says I can keep it, we aren't going and storms off.

I mean, we are. We leave a week today and we have paid in full we can't cancel it because of a 3 year old lashing out?! He's now texting me from upstairs saying it's cancelled and I need to back him up on this and not undermine him "like always" I don't undermine him but he makes threats we can't keep and that are to totally unrelated!!!

It would have been better to go for soemthing more immediate like take a toy off him or early bedtime.

I don't think my 3yos would have been at all bothered by "not going on holiday".

However he is right that you undermined him. That's a time when you wait for later when the 3yo is in bed, and talk, not walk in and say "don't be ridiculous" in front of them.

But the other thing that I noticed Started saying to 3 year old that it's not ok to smack : What point was that? So you think your dh has been saying it's fine? Do you not think your dc is clever enough to have worked that out after what your dh said?
You would have been far better to go in and make a fuss about your poor hurt dh, ignoring the dc. Instead (to your dc's eyes) you tell dh off and speak nicely to them. What's that taught them?

Sounds like he completely lacks both the basic parenting skills and impulse control.

A 3yo isn't going to measure what they missed out on as a consideration not to do this behaviour again.

Your husband sounds volatile and not someone I'd have much time for. If he has actually cancelled the whole trip and lost out all the money, I'd be fucking fuming!

When my DD was 3 she refused to go to bed one night and I told her that if she didn't she wouldn't go to visit her grandparents as planned the next day. She didn't so we didn't! That was quite an easy actions and consequences negotiation to follow through (although grandparents were disappointed).

Similarly, we were visiting an NCT friend (so a few parents and toddlers there) and she kept climbing on the coffee table. I told her we'd go home if she did it again. She did and we went home.

I think it's fine to be firm with toddlers, children, teens, adults, pets, colleagues ... anyone. But not if the "punishment" is totally out of proportion to the behaviour you want to discourage.

In short, I think your DH was right to firm about hitting. But not by cancelling the family holiday!

Don't blame the OP here. She isn't the one in the wrong.

@jesuarry has he actually cancelled the holiday ? Bizarre

He's now texting me from upstairs saying it's cancelled

Best go check if he's cancelled it.

It is ridiculous to threaten something that you can’t carry through.
Last year in the airport I saw a woman scream at her child ‘if you don’t behave you can’t go to Orlando, that’s it you are not going to Orlando’. They were in the airport. What was she going to do, leave him in security.

I was baffled by it.

Sounds like he just doesn't want to go on holiday and this is just his get out clause

He is of course being absolutely ridiculous and cutting his nose off to spite his face.

But your child hit him and instead of going in and supporting him by telling your child that it wasn’t ok, you created an argument and undermined him.

Has he actually cancelled it?? He can stay home if that's the hill he wants to die on, but would he fuck be cancelling my holiday or dictating whether I take my child or not.

But that's pointless! Would have a vague point if he would be smacked by a 13y old, but 3?...

You probably shouldn't have intervened at that point, but my guess is that this is not the first time your husband has come up with bloody ridiculous "punishments". If that's the case, then I can see why you did intervene.

He needs to learn how to be a parent rather than a dictator.

Of course you can't cancel the holiday and lose all the money! Surely DH will calm down and realise that was a ridiculous threat to make?

If that's the outcome at aged 3 what will the punishment be for the teen years? I'm sorry but I'm chuckling here like he is actually wanting your back up against a toddler and an outrageous statement. Time out would have been suffice surely?

Give him time to cool off. Agree that it is important to back him up but also that he needs to give a proportional consequence rather than cancelling a holiday. He does need to accept that his response was bonkers. 3 year old needs to have no tv for the reat of the day or no treats after tea or something.

Your dh is being ridiculous. I had a friend who would say ‘that’s it, I’m cancelling Disneyland,’ to her small dc. (They went a lot).
I called her out on it as there was no way she would have cancelled.
It’s bad parenting.

Your dh is a much bigger problem than a 3 yr old who has lashed out because he is three and communucating something the best way he knows in the moment.

Dont back up a parent making a stupid threat.

I think most parents at sometime make a ridiculous threat that never going to happen in the game at of the moment

the moment passes then it’s done not ideal but we’re all human

I think if you wouldn’t of interfered it would of all blown over

for the life of me how an earth did you think your response was going to ease the situation or solve anything you weren’t in the room you stepped in and made everything worse

having a word later when the heat of the situation had gone would be the way to go

i think this has gone beyond DS it’s they way you’ve undermined and took over that’s the issue now

Oh my lord, sorry your DH is such a colossal idiot. What a stupid threat to make and what rubbish parenting of a three year old. Yeah of course you should overrule such a daft thing to say. And maybe buy him a few parenting books.

I once left a Travelodge a day early as 4 yr old wouldn't do as he was told. Once it was out of my mouth, I regretted it. But he kept pushing, so I followed through.

Talking to an older and wiser friend on return helped me no end. I was adamant that as a parent I should always follow through on threats. She reminded me that all humans make mistakes and that I should use it as a learning opportunity to teach my boy that sometimes mummy makes mistakes too and help him see mistakes are ok when we admit to them, see them for what they are and move on together.

I hope your husband has his lightbulb moment where he realises he was being a twat. Mine helped shape my future parenting no end.

This. We all make empty threats sometimes, which this probably was until you interfered and suddenly it all escalated.

Give him time to calm down and then have a chat. Three year olds are horrible sometimes and seem to know exactly what buttons to press.

Your dh sounds like a bloody toddler himself.

Of course threatening to cancel a holiday is unhelpful. It does nothing to correct the behaviour, is disproportionate and is not within his right to decide alone.

Time to set up some parent codes - "can I have a minute?" is our code for "can we talk about a parenting issue privately in the kitchen".

Holy, how in the pickle would a three year old understand

Beacause the consequence is out of proportion, not timely and not understood by the child.