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Original poster

To overrule husband cancelling family holiday?

147 replies

jesuarry · 15/05/2023 17:46

Have a 3 year old and an infant, 3 year old has been acting up today, and he smacked my husband who I heard lose it and say "hit me one more time and we're not going on holiday" obviously he did it again and I heard him say that's it, we aren't going. I went in to the room and said don't be ridiculous, we aren't cancelling a holiday that we've fully paid for. Don't make threats we can't keep. Started saying to 3 year old that it's not ok to smack, husband interrupts and says I can keep it, we aren't going and storms off.

I mean, we are. We leave a week today and we have paid in full we can't cancel it because of a 3 year old lashing out?! He's now texting me from upstairs saying it's cancelled and I need to back him up on this and not undermine him "like always" I don't undermine him but he makes threats we can't keep and that are to totally unrelated!!!

OP posts:
GuevarasBeret · 15/05/2023 18:05

Alargeoneplease89 · 15/05/2023 17:54

Yes silly to say it's cancelled but even worse to go into the room and contradict him- why not wait until the situation had calmed down and discussed it.

Surely you two need a plan on how to deal with your 3 year old so you are on the same page.

I wouldn't feel happy if my partner said that and didn't put on a united front even if I did say something stupid through the heat of the moment.

Disagree, loon tendencies shouldn’t be given any breathing space.

You would intervene to stop a physical punishment because it’s the act of a loon. The same with verbal/threats/other loon stuff.

thoughtsofmoog3 · 15/05/2023 18:05

Crikey - get in the same room, realise you are all acting like 3 year olds, everyone apologise, get the little dictator to bed (the child, not your DH!) , order a takeaway and come up with a joint plan for future behaviour and a great holiday.

Alargeoneplease89 · 15/05/2023 18:07

GuevarasBeret · 15/05/2023 18:05

Disagree, loon tendencies shouldn’t be given any breathing space.

You would intervene to stop a physical punishment because it’s the act of a loon. The same with verbal/threats/other loon stuff.

Show quote history

How is he a loon?

mbosnz · 15/05/2023 18:08

If the father would perhaps read a couple of books (or even articles) on child development and age appropriate parenting, he could make it a lot easier for himself, and not make such a dick of himself (and I think, perhaps, not feel so much of a dick, because it sounds like he feels out of his depth, and is floundering).

That is a ridiculous way to respond to such a situation. Talk about cut your nose off to spite your face. And no, the three year old will not remotely connect the two. The squabble that the two of them engaged in is past history in the child's mind, totally irrelevant, if not forgotten. The three year old has no concept of the holiday that apparently they're being punished by not taking it, nor would they ever connect it with the behaviour that created the sanction.

However. If you disagree with the parenting done by the other parent, you don't go in and do it in front of the child (because if you get in the habit when they are small, you're likely to do it when they're bigger, and will gleefully use such behaviour to divide and conquer). A very mild, 'dear (you know the kind of intonation on dear that makes it clear that their presence is very much required, for all your sakes), could I have a quick word' and have that conversation outside of the hearing of your child, can be a Godsend.

Calmdown14 · 15/05/2023 18:13

You did undermine him in the middle of disciplining. You should have had the conversation later.

As a compromise is there some way your three year old can earn it back with good behaviour (but be realistic and make sure there are a couple of opportunities like tidying up the toys, going to bed well).

You need a strategy to move away from stand off.

Ungratefulorunreasonable · 15/05/2023 18:14

It was a stupid punishment by your DH, but also wasn't very sensible to tell your husband you thought that at the time, could have waited until after, when 3yo wasn't around.

Bluemuf · 15/05/2023 18:15

You're right the holiday can't be cancelled and you can't make threats you can't keep, buy he's right you did undermine him. That's not a conversation to have in front of the child.

Is this usual impulsive behaviour from him or is there another reason he wants to cancel?

Ktime · 15/05/2023 18:15

Calmdown14 · 15/05/2023 18:13

You did undermine him in the middle of disciplining. You should have had the conversation later.

As a compromise is there some way your three year old can earn it back with good behaviour (but be realistic and make sure there are a couple of opportunities like tidying up the toys, going to bed well).

You need a strategy to move away from stand off.

We don't know that she did. It's likely dc wasn't in the room when OP went to speak to H.

TeaKitten · 15/05/2023 18:18

He was wrong to make a threat he couldn’t keep, you were wrong to undermine him in front of your child. Both as bad as each other on this one!

LouLou198 · 15/05/2023 18:18

For goodness sake he is 3!!!
It is no consequence to the child - but it is for you!!
3 year olds act up at times, he need to look at consequences he can follow thorough with that don't affect the rest of the family.

Sparkletastic · 15/05/2023 18:18

DH is being ridiculous. The 3 year old is just being a 3 year old.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2023 18:19

It must be very wearing to share parenting responsibilities with an idiot.

GOW56 · 15/05/2023 18:19

He is being ridiculous and behaving like a child. Your child has an excuse because she is a child but he isn't.
Apart from anything else not going on the holiday is more likely to punish you and your husband than your child. Three years olds are not that bothered about holidays!

TeaKitten · 15/05/2023 18:20

Ktime · 15/05/2023 18:15

We don't know that she did. It's likely dc wasn't in the room when OP went to speak to H.

Show quote history

No she clearly says he was.

and I heard him say that's it, we aren't going. I went in to the room and said don't be ridiculous, we aren't cancelling a holiday that we've fully paid for. Don't make threats we can't keep. Started saying to 3 year old that it's not ok to smack, husband interrupts and says I can keep it, we aren't going and storms off.

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/05/2023 18:20

Is your DH aware that his behaviour is similar to that of a toddler?

Pinkbonbon · 15/05/2023 18:21

A 3 year old doesn't even know what a holiday is.

Agree with pp that said he already didn't want to go on holiday. Hense creating this little show to get out of it.

Has he form for ruining holidays? Or events that aren't all about him? (Chritmas, your birthday ect....)

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/05/2023 18:22

Too right I would be "undermining" my husband if he behaved like such an incompetent idiot.

towriteyoumustlive · 15/05/2023 18:23

Your husband is behaving like a dick.

Three year olds sometimes hit. Cancelling your holiday is NOT punishment. Punishment needs to be something immediate with a 3 year old like the naughty spot and no pudding.

Yes, you did technically undermine your husband, but as he was being a dick then quite rightfully you objected to his idea of punishment.

You need to speak to him and say that cancelling the holiday is ridiculous and not a suitable punishment for a 3 year old so you cannot back him up on this. If he has actually gone ahead and cancelled it then that to me would be unforgiveable and probably relationship over.

Ktime · 15/05/2023 18:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Wellhowdeedoo · 15/05/2023 18:25

What an asshat!

Go without him - I would

TeaKitten · 15/05/2023 18:26

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Read what I quoted… she walked into the room where he was telling off the kid, told him they aren’t cancelling the holiday, then started talking to the child, then DH interrupted… I don’t understand what you are struggling with.

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/05/2023 18:29

First step is, is it actually cancelled or is he bluffing?

TomatoSandwiches · 15/05/2023 18:29

Well your DH was being a bit of a twit using a holiday in a week that the toddler probably doesn't care much about as a tool to get him to behave so it's his own fault for looking stupid.

I'd go by myself tbh and let him learn how to parent more effectively, stupid man.

GOW56 · 15/05/2023 18:33

" How is he a loon? "
In every way possible:-
Trying to deal with a tantrum by having a tantrum
By threatening something he has no intention on following through on
By withdrawing something from the child that is completely meaningless to them. Three year olds are not bothered about holidays and won't think in two weeks time we are not going on holiday today because I hit daddy two weeks ago!
By blowing perfectly normal three year old behaviour out of all proportion and making the situation a hundred times worse.
Of course he shouldn't be hitting but the way he tries to deal with it was completely wrong

aloris · 15/05/2023 18:34

It is generally true that parents should back each other up on enforcing consequences but there are boundaries to this.

It was not ok for him to unilaterally create a major consequence that affected you in a major way, without your prior permission. Now that he's created this consequence, he's expecting you to agree to it and claiming that if you don't, you are undermining him. That is not ok. Similarly, if your child, let's say, disobeyed house rules and went to a nonpermitted website on YOUR computer, it would not be acceptable for your husband to unilaterally give the child a consequence that YOUR computer would be thrown away. Do you see how this is controlling behavior (controlling of YOU) that crosses a boundary?

Other smaller mistakes your husband made were: (1) setting a consequence that is out of all proportion to the behavior he's trying to correct, (2) setting a consequence so far in the future that a preschooler won't even remember why this consequence is being given, and (3) not discussing consequences with you in advance (because behaviors like hitting in preschoolers are predictable) so that you can cooperate to create a workable consequence you can both agree on.

It is very tempting to create very BIG consequences for very annoying behavior in small children. (I guess the idea is the BIGGER the consequence, the faster the annoying behavior will be extinguished.) It doesn't work like that. Big consequences just make your children anxious because they don't understand what's going on. What works is immediate, consistent, small (ok, appropriate sized) consequences, accompanied by lots of warmth and attention at other times, as well as lots of opportunities to "win" at things they are already good at. Yes sometimes it takes a long time.