Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To overrule husband cancelling family holiday?

147 replies

jesuarry · 15/05/2023 17:46

Have a 3 year old and an infant, 3 year old has been acting up today, and he smacked my husband who I heard lose it and say "hit me one more time and we're not going on holiday" obviously he did it again and I heard him say that's it, we aren't going. I went in to the room and said don't be ridiculous, we aren't cancelling a holiday that we've fully paid for. Don't make threats we can't keep. Started saying to 3 year old that it's not ok to smack, husband interrupts and says I can keep it, we aren't going and storms off.

I mean, we are. We leave a week today and we have paid in full we can't cancel it because of a 3 year old lashing out?! He's now texting me from upstairs saying it's cancelled and I need to back him up on this and not undermine him "like always" I don't undermine him but he makes threats we can't keep and that are to totally unrelated!!!

OP posts:
5128gap · 15/05/2023 19:54

When he's calmed down he will no doubt realise he's being ridiculous, so I'd leave him to sulk it out for now.
If he seems still set on cancellation when he's calm, then I agree with PP, he doesn't want to go. Which will need some exploration.
You probably also need a shared understanding of appropriate consequences for a 3 year olds bad behaviour, so he doesn't in future threaten sanctions that are unrealistic, or try to mete out punishment its impossible to support him with.

Thelnebriati · 15/05/2023 19:55

I think the fundamental problem is his authoritarian parenting style. Unfortunately, authoritarian types don't take well to anything they perceive as a challenge, so getting them to get help with learning better parenting can be difficult.

''Parents with an authoritarian style have very high expectations of their children, yet provide very little in the way of feedback and nurturing.3 Mistakes tend to be punished harshly. When feedback is given, it is often negative.''
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-authoritarian-parenting-2794955

What Is Authoritarian Parenting?

The authoritarian parenting style is defined by strict rules and little warmth. Learn more about authoritarian parenting, including examples and its effects.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-authoritarian-parenting-2794955

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 19:55

He’s utterly ridiculous. Your 3 year old won’t have any concept of holiday or not going being linked to hitting. Consequence needs to be immediate.
I’d still go without him. Perhaps he’d be better on a parenting course?

Unsure33 · 15/05/2023 19:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That’s not placating , its letting him come to his own conclusion that he was wrong .

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 15/05/2023 19:57

Bonkers.
A 3 year old doesn’t know what the fuck a holiday is let alone what a week is.
Why is he unable to back down? Go on the holiday without him or take a friend or family member.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/05/2023 20:00

It's only undermining if there's actually an attempt at discipline going on.

Daring a 3 yo to hit again (because that's what it is) and making ridiculous OTT threats a week away are not attempts at discipline. It's an adult losing their rag and going all out.

Even if OP hadn't intervened, it's not like the 3 yo would've learned anything except that you can hit twice and absolutely nothing happens because he has no concept of a holiday or lick the lack of it (if he even realised) . There was nothing for OP to undermine. In fact, she did more by telling DS not to hit than her husband with his temper tantrum.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 15/05/2023 20:01

He already didn't want to go on the holiday imo. This was just a pathetic excuse.

That was my first thought too. Ex BIL was like this. Very unengaged father, so kids would play up and then he’d say, that’s it, you’ve ruined it, no cinema/park/day out for you, and happily sit back down in front of the tv.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 15/05/2023 20:02

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/05/2023 20:00

It's only undermining if there's actually an attempt at discipline going on.

Daring a 3 yo to hit again (because that's what it is) and making ridiculous OTT threats a week away are not attempts at discipline. It's an adult losing their rag and going all out.

Even if OP hadn't intervened, it's not like the 3 yo would've learned anything except that you can hit twice and absolutely nothing happens because he has no concept of a holiday or lick the lack of it (if he even realised) . There was nothing for OP to undermine. In fact, she did more by telling DS not to hit than her husband with his temper tantrum.

Agreed

Nearamir · 15/05/2023 20:06

Your poor DH sadly sounds as thick as two short planks and childishly stubborn to boot. What an absolutely ridiculous consequence for a three year old. Could he really not think of anything better? Something that would actually help teach his child rather than something that really only hurts you adults! Honestly, he needs a kick up the pants and a few parenting lessons.

humus · 15/05/2023 20:10

i would have done the same, not only is it an empty threat it’s cruel and completely out of proportion to what occurred and the child’s development.

coeurnoir · 15/05/2023 20:19

I don’t actually think this is healthy at all. My parents used to do this (and this is the extreme end) but would have my F breaking down my bedroom door or throwing my belongings across the room and my M thinking it best to raise it later so they could be united. But even at the lesser end with stupid threats, kids should be able to see one parent challenge another when something is ridiculous and the parent is just wrong. It’s really old fashioned to think children should never see their parents challenged.

No, that certainly isn't healthy. It's also totally different to what happened. This is not a case of a parent abusing their child. Just one where one parent made a crap parenting decision in the heat of the moment and the other parent interferes and undermines the other parent.

Topseyt123 · 15/05/2023 20:22

If he sticks to this then I would tell him that you and your 3 year old will go on the holiday and he can stay behind if he really doesn't want to go. Then ignore any sulking.

He was a fool to make a threat that cannot be kept. What an arse! You didn't undermine him, he undermined himself by being such an idiot.

The agreement between my DH and I was always that we supported and backed each other up if they were right, but if they weren't then hard luck, we didn't. I am not a believer in "united front at all costs" and never have been.

If my DH threatened to cancel a holiday we had paid for and I was looking forward to then I would be beyond furious with him. I would be making VERY clear that that just wasn't happening and that he could stop being such a stupid arse.

wildfirewonder · 15/05/2023 20:24

Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face!

Tell him he can cancel his own holiday but he can't cancel yours. What a wally.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 15/05/2023 20:26

What an idiotic thing to use as a consequence. It’s meaningless to a three year old.

Is he usually so inept and lacking in control?

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/05/2023 20:29

That’s mad. Cancel the whole family’s holiday because a 3 year old does what some 3 year olds sometimes do? What will his sanction be for something more serious when the little one is older?

Ahsoka2001 · 15/05/2023 20:30

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this situation. It can be challenging when parents have differing opinions on discipline and decision-making. It's important to remember that parenting requires open communication and cooperation to reach a resolution that is in the best interest of both the children and the family as a whole.

Here are a few suggestions on how you can approach this situation:

  1. Calm down and take a breather: It's essential to approach the situation with a clear mind and remain calm. Take a moment to collect your thoughts before addressing the issue further.
  2. Communicate with your husband: Find a calm and quiet moment to sit down with your husband and discuss the situation. Explain your concerns about canceling the holiday and the impact it may have on your family. Emphasize the importance of following through on commitments and not making threats that cannot be kept.
  3. Seek compromise: Look for a middle ground where both of you can agree on a suitable course of action. For example, you could suggest alternative consequences for your 3-year-old's behavior or discuss ways to address the issue without canceling the vacation.
  4. Focus on discipline and teaching: Instead of canceling the holiday as a punishment, consider using this incident as an opportunity to teach your 3-year-old about appropriate behavior and consequences. Reinforce the message that hitting is not acceptable and help them understand the impact of their actions.
  5. Family counseling or parenting classes: If conflicts like these continue to arise, it might be beneficial to seek professional help. Family counseling or parenting classes can provide guidance and strategies for effective communication, conflict resolution, and disciplining children.

Remember, it's important to present a united front when dealing with discipline and parenting matters. However, it's also crucial to have open and honest discussions to ensure that decisions are fair and reasonable.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/05/2023 20:30

No, that certainly isn't healthy. It's also totally different to what happened. This is not a case of a parent abusing their child. Just one where one parent made a crap parenting decision in the heat of the moment and the other parent interferes and undermines the other parent”

A stupid decision that deserved to be undermined.

Palmasailor · 15/05/2023 20:36

Sounds like you’ve got two 3 year olds…

evuscha · 15/05/2023 20:39

I doubt he is actually going to cancel the holiday, he just said it as he ran out of things to threaten with to your 3yo?

I have a 3yo too and constantly have to remind DH to not make empty threats that are not going to happen anyway. (and aren’t even related to whatever the DC is doing)

Boltonb · 15/05/2023 20:40

How ironic that an adult can lash out and do/say something stupid in a loss of rationale, but it’s unacceptable for a 3 year old to do something similar.

Explain to your stupid husband that a) he should stop threatening punishments that it makes no sense to keep b) immediate natural consequences are more effective c) a punishment a week after the fact will mean NOTHING to a small child, and they will learn absolutely nothing d) your husband needs to be reminded when he’s being an immature dickhead, and you will continue to do so as and when required (and this is NOT undermining)

AgrathaChristie · 15/05/2023 20:44

EarthlyNightshade · 15/05/2023 17:54

Can you still go and DH stay home with 3 year old?

You can’t leave a child in charge of a 3 year old!!

Seriously OP your DH sounds like a child having a tantrum. He’s a parent, time he meant to behave like one.

billy1966 · 15/05/2023 20:44

What an utter moron you are married to OP.

Watch out.

I world be suspicious of someone coming out with something so stupid.

Head off with a family member or friend.

It really sounds as if he doesn't want to go on a family holiday with you.

Lindjam · 15/05/2023 20:45

Stressfordays · 15/05/2023 17:53

Talk about chucking his toys out the pram. Of course you don't cancel a holiday because a 3 year old has played up.

Quite.

Is he often this stupid?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/05/2023 20:56

coeurnoir · 15/05/2023 20:19

I don’t actually think this is healthy at all. My parents used to do this (and this is the extreme end) but would have my F breaking down my bedroom door or throwing my belongings across the room and my M thinking it best to raise it later so they could be united. But even at the lesser end with stupid threats, kids should be able to see one parent challenge another when something is ridiculous and the parent is just wrong. It’s really old fashioned to think children should never see their parents challenged.

No, that certainly isn't healthy. It's also totally different to what happened. This is not a case of a parent abusing their child. Just one where one parent made a crap parenting decision in the heat of the moment and the other parent interferes and undermines the other parent.

You say yourself it was a crap (no so much) parenting decision so there's nothing to undermine.

OH once threatened to put DD in the bin. I intervened, it wasn't undermining, it was reminding him who the 3 yo actually was.Grin

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 15/05/2023 20:56

My exh once threatened to put ds through the window.. I asked him realistically was he going to do that?
Made plans to leave soon after.

During a court meeting he denied being aggressive..

I may have let slip it was me who reported him for drink driving..
His attempt to attack me across the table confirmed my version of him was indeed correct..
You may need to beware for your future op.