Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

No wonder she got annoyed when you said you felt let down. You could have been far more understanding about the whole thing. Sounds like you're planning on being one of these 'it's all about meeeee' bridezillas with no thought to your guests.

That’s what I was thinking. Unless he’s a teacher, what job could he have that doesn’t allow a year’s notice for 3 days off (during term time)?

Op says he's a lawyer I think.
So end of tax year, end of firm's financial year, date of key meetings such as the annual meeting/conference day, any time already booked off by other key member's of staff working in same department, etc.

You must have know that a wedding abroad in term time is difficult for anyone with school age children. The MoH thought she could do it, she now knows she can't.

You really shouldn't be surprised.

you have over a year to find another MoH. It's hardly the end of the world.

She should have realized the situation and said no earlier; but she has given you a year's notice; it's not as though she had let you down at the last minute.

If her stroppiness about it was spontaneous, then she IBVU and possibly taking out her disappointment on you -which is not fair.

If you exploded at her, and she then responded rudely, then I don't entirely blame her.

In the first case, it's annoying and disappointing of her, but not the crime of the century. In the second, I think that you owe her an apology as much as the other way around. In either case, it is disproportionate of you to refuse to speak to her.

If you wanted people with children to attend your wedding why did you arrange it during term time?

This. If you create a situation where it’s going to be really difficult for those you are closest to to come, then your plans probably weren’t very good. Do you really want to fall out with your best friend and her mum over this?! Destination weddings can be such a pain in the arse-I have read so many posts like this!

Why is he getting the blame? There is nothing to suggest otherwise.
I work term time only. No way I could get time off during the term however much notice I gave.

I strongly suspect that they did (and will change my view if she didn’t), OP says that she then started laying the guilt trip on which is when the friend got defensive.

Maybe she dearly wanted to be there for you but the realities dawned on her and now she realises she can't.
It's a year away, what's the big problem? Why can't someone else do it?
Are you pissed if because she changed her mind or because she said she can't do it? What problem has it caused you that can't be remedied in a year?

There is no expectation from my side for her to spend her money or leave her kids with someone she doesn't want to for the wedding.

well, that's clearly not true. You're sulking because she's told you she can't do that.

To answer the question in your first post, you are getting close to bridezilla territory

MOH are not heavily involved in wedding planning, or at least they shouldn’t be. It’s your wedding not hers. You and your partner (and maybe your parents) should be the ones planning your wedding, not a MOH

Also saying well I would have been different if it was me in her position - you don’t know that as you are not her

Then throw in the fact that it’s a destination wedding which can easily drop into bridezilla territory

Sounds like it.
OP you are allowed to express your upset to what you thought was an old friend. It sounds like she was being defensive and taking out her own upset/disappointment etc on you and that's unfair and uncalled for and, for that, she needs to apologise.

Hopefully she will, or you will decide to reach out, and the truth will come out and your friendship will survive. However, don't allow her to insult you or tell you what you can and can't understand because that's just tedious.

It could be that she’s changed her mind about leaving her young kids to go
overseas, and is using her husband’s annual leave as an excuse. It may be nothing to do with the husband. My friends are quite independent, dynamic and well-travelled but I don’t know any who’d go abroad for several days for a wedding during term-time. Business trips, yes, assuming absolutely necessary. Not a destination wedding, though.

It's puzzling on why agree knowing all this before hand, all the best op

That’s what I’m picturing, she wanted to go, told OP yes thinking with no financial issues and a years notice it’s fine & then her DH has kicked off.

If he was a teacher/other job with holiday restrictions then she wouldn’t have said yes to start with surely, knowing child care would be an issue.

I reckon he didn’t want to go so cited ‘can’t get holidays’ thinking she’d just fall in with his thinking, she hadn’t and now he’s refusing to look after the kids.

YABU. She was probably very excited when you asked her and hadn't thought it through. It's not great she didn't apologise but if you got annoyed then maybe she got defensive. I don't think it's that big a deal. It's a year away. Just ask someone else! So, yes, yab a bit of a bridezilla/ drama queen for not talking to her.

With a wedding abroad during term time and 3 kids I’m not surprised the reality of the situation has hit your friend.
Its a shame her dh can’t do the childcare. But I’m guessing she tried to get him to do it.
I don’t feel it’s right you are not talking to her over this. It’s not her fault your wedding is abroad during term time. That is your choice OP and is bound to make it more complex for people to work around. I understand you asked your friends family but it isn’t that easy to just take kids out of school and not everyone wants to take holiday leave to go to a country they wouldnt normally choose to.

Im guessing in all the excitement she agreed to be MoH but now she’s worked out she can’t.
Thats life, but not worth losing a good friend over.

Perhaps the reality of the OP's expectations of a MOH got too much?

This really isn't worth losing a friendship over.

“But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what”

But do you really understand how hard it is to leave three children for a few days… the logistics of that alone would give me a headache. I have three children and it is a two person job between work, schools runs, clubs and various other activities. It’s not as simple as her husband will cover so I don’t think you’re being fair suggesting you have an idea how difficult it would be and would move mountains regardless. You really have no idea.

destination weddings are not for everyone. You have to take the risk that some people may not be able to come for various reasons.

Your friend probably had the best intentions of coming but practically it’s not possible. And she’s giving you PLENTY of notice.

YABU in my opinion

This

did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning

What exactly did you think the MofH would be doing when it came to wedding planning, @Ayla6 ?? My MoH didn’t do anything!

The more I hear about this, the more Bridezilla it’s all sounding. I think your expectations were unrealistic and if you’re not careful, both you and your mum will end up losing your closest friends over it. Is it really worth it?

This conversation could have gone so differently…

M-I’m really sorry I won’t be able to come to x to be your MoH.
Op- oh no-I will miss you so much! I’ll take lots of photos!

Job done.

I think you were unreasonable in your response to her. You didn't need to say you were disappointed. She may not have fully realised the logistical and emotional impact. Now she's had time to reconsider and she's given plenty of notice.

MOHs really don't get involved in organising the wedding.

Why are MoH heavily involved in the wedding planning?
What do they do exactly?

Surely it's you and your partner who are heavily invited and making all the decisions.

YABU. Expecting people to fork out hundreds or thousands and multiple days abroad, especially in the current climate, is unfair. You might think you know peoples’ circumstances but you never do know, whether it be financial or domestic. Go alone and have a do locally when you get back.

I didn't even have a MoH. I had three bridesmaids and didn't expect any of my them to do anything tbh.

I know people do things differently, but your idea of a MoH organising any of your wedding is a bit skewed.

Oh OP, you’ve have shown yourself to be unreasonable with your comment about how if the situation were reversed, you’d definitely be there for her. But you haven’t got three young kids to work around! She’s probably upset that she logistically can’t make it and you just double down with the emotional blackmail of how much she’s let you down. Nice.