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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

341 replies

Ayla6 · 15/05/2023 17:25

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

OP posts:
lulublue32 · 15/05/2023 18:54

YABU.
I’m sure she initially wanted to make it happen and probably expected that DH could take A/L and be there with the kids. It’s out of her control to make that happen and as the practical logistics of term time childcare for 3 young kids, as well as being in another country away from them looms - it is no longer practical. Also, caring for the kids whilst trying to do MoH duties is too much to expect.
She has told you in good time and her own family have to come first.
when people chose weddings abroad, the expectation that guests should use precious A/L entitlement and savings, should be cherished and not expected.

MadKittenWoman · 15/05/2023 18:54

Changingplace · 15/05/2023 18:36

A whole year in advance and he ‘can’t get time off work’ - can’t be arsed to parent his own kids and give his wife something for herself more like.

I think he’s the issue here, he’s thought about it and decided he’s not up for actually doing any solo parenting so he’s made it her issue to sort.

Show quote history

That’s what I was thinking. Unless he’s a teacher, what job could he have that doesn’t allow a year’s notice for 3 days off (during term time)?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2023 18:54

simple sorry I have to back out should have been said

Do we know she didn’t say that first?

The OP then told the MoH how let down she felt which prompted her to defend herself.

Thighlengthboots · 15/05/2023 18:55

ThereIsAnEchoInHere · 15/05/2023 18:50

I did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning)

Are they really though? I’ve never known any MOH or bridesmaids do anything other than go out for a hen do and attend the wedding. There’s really no need for anyone other than you & your DO to plan the wedding.

Yeah I dont get this point either- the MOH organises the hen do usually but they dont have any other input into arranging the actual wedding itself. I think this is a bit of a red herring tbh. Organising a hen do is not really that complex- surely someone else could do this?

I agree with PP. If you have a destination wedding thats totally your choice but you have to be aware that many people wont attend. Not just due to money but for many logistical reasons involving annual leave, childcare etc.. If its that important to you to have people there then you need to have it in an easily accessible place. You cant really have it both ways.

DilemmaADay · 15/05/2023 18:55

I would have thought YABU if she'd have declined and that was it. However she trotted out the "you don't understand as you don't have kids line" which is both cruel and weird. If she can't go because of child care, she should have just owned it and apologized rather than throwing out offensive insults in a panic. As a result I think she's made this a bigger deal than it should have been by getting nasty

SerafinasGoose · 15/05/2023 18:55

MadKittenWoman · 15/05/2023 18:54

That’s what I was thinking. Unless he’s a teacher, what job could he have that doesn’t allow a year’s notice for 3 days off (during term time)?

Show quote history

Quite a reach. But even IF that happens to be the case, that's their business alone.

ShowUs · 15/05/2023 18:56

I did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning), and that was when things got quite nasty on her side.

It sounds like you saying this got her back up which I can see why because she said wanted to be your MoH but can’t due to things being out of her control, you then tried to make her feel even more guilty.

A good friend would try not to make her feel bad and say that you completely understand.

I initially told my best friend that I would be her MoH but her wedding was during my uni exams and it was abroad which I couldn’t afford, so I said I couldn’t do it.
Instead of her seeing it from my POV she was annoyed that I couldn’t try and find a way to come.
We obviously fell out over it.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2023 18:57

I would have thought YABU if she'd have declined and that was it. However she trotted out the "you don't understand as you don't have kids line"

She only said that once the OP told her how much she’d let her down. I think it was the OP who escalated this.

1offnamechange · 15/05/2023 18:57

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 15/05/2023 18:50

She is right on every count but I understand that you probably won’t get that as it’s your wedding and the most important thing to you.

The hardest thing I have ever done is leave my kids for a week to travel overseas and help arrange a funeral and they were teenagers. Some people are happy leaving their kids for a few days. Some aren’t. Some people would agree to the wedding because they feel obliged and then when they realise the reality will change their minds.

You choose to have an overseas wedding, you accept the consequences I’m afraid.

all fine but if "people agree to [x] because they feel obliged and then when they realise the reality change their minds" then those people are morally in the wrong, and should apologise rather than trying to reattribute the blame on someone else.

Which is all OP is asking for. She has specifically said that she understands exactly what you've said in your last sentence. She's not suggesting she wants her friend to beg her forgiveness on bended knee, just to accept that she agreed to something and has now gone back on it, and understands that is both inconvenient and upsetting to OP, and that she shouldn't have said yes if she wasn't sure. Which all seems fair to me.

It's just basic manners that if you agree to something and then back out of it, regardless of how good your reasons, you apologise.

Swishhh · 15/05/2023 18:59

Neither of you are being U, it’s just one of those things.

MitchellMummy · 15/05/2023 19:01

I think it was probably excitement that led her to agree to be your MOH when you first asked her. But when the reality sank in it wasn't as easy as she thought it would be. But I can understand your disappointment too. No wedding abroad is going to be easy for everyone attending. I hope you make it up with her, not just for your sakes but for the sake of your Mums. Have a fabulous wedding!

VonThorn · 15/05/2023 19:01

Butchyrestingface · 15/05/2023 18:44

I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning)

I don't think you should have said this, particularly when you know it's her (arguably) arsehole husband scuppering the arrangement and not her.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her how I felt, but I was upset, and felt that she shouldn't have agreed to be MoH if she knew the wedding would be abroad and during term time.

Why did you ASK her to be MoH at a wedding that was abroad and during term time? You know her circumstances.

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what, so maybe in expecting her to do the same my expectations were unrealistic.

Yeah, sorry. You are totally unreasonable and doubling down on it now. I can see why she said what she said. And I don't have kids either.

Yes. Tbh, given your updates OP, this strikes me as one of those threads where someone giving the other side of the conversation/story would shed a different light.

There's not really a lot to get over here. She has given you an honest explanation with a year's notice. Trying to 'punish' her - or hold her to some kind of account - for saying yes in the first instance is a bit much.

Those posters (and you OP) saying that they would 'move heaven and earth' and 'go to ends of the earth' not to let down a friend down on their wedding day... I find that a bit much. I'd never have expected anyone to go to mad extremes to attend my wedding.

I was happy with 'come if it's possible and easy enough to do so,' no need for the 'moving heaven and earth,' sweating blood etc. It's a wedding, not the second coming.

bobbysock · 15/05/2023 19:02

She's given you more than a years notice. YABU, plus you’ve now lost your best friends. They don’t grow on trees..

Ponoka7 · 15/05/2023 19:02

I also think that her DH has had something to say about her going. However she could be TTC and not wanting to declare that. It's strange that she doesn't want to bring them, so there's something going on.

BurbageBrook · 15/05/2023 19:03

I think you were unreasonable to question her decision given she's told you more than an a year in advance of the wedding. Perhaps she's realised she wouldn't be ready to leave her kids for so long, and perhaps money is tight.

Feelinadequate23 · 15/05/2023 19:03

OP I’m afraid YABU. She will have said yes in good faith as she’d love to be there. But then she’s looked into the details and realised that it just won’t work logistically. I think she has a point that it’s your fault - if it was important to you that she would be there then you wouldn’t have planned an abroad wedding during term time as it was obvious her kids wouldn’t be able to come, so the invite for them was a bit pointless. I would also be upset if my best friend had planned a wedding it was fairly clear I wouldn’t be able to attend!

Swishhh · 15/05/2023 19:03

It’s really not worth falling out over?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2023 19:04

Tbh, given your updates OP, this strikes me as one of those threads where someone giving the other side of the conversation/story would shed a different light.

Absolutely. I wonder if the MofH would say, ‘I apologised for not being able to come but then the OP launched into a tirade of how much I’d let her down…’

hopeishopeless · 15/05/2023 19:04

Username917778 · 15/05/2023 17:34

Yabvu not talking to her. How immature. She probably really wanted to come and support you but she is now realising the impact of that.

This. She probably thought she could, but now that it's actually becoming real, she realises she can't (and I don't blame her for that - I couldn't have done, either).

Be the bigger person here.

HermioneKipper · 15/05/2023 19:05

What do maid of honours do re wedding planning?!

My MoH organised my hen do along with the bridesmaids and helped me with the flowers the day before - she didn’t do any wedding planning!

Cant she still organise your hen do and come to that?

It’s very tricky to leave 3 young kids with a partner who works full time and likely in a busy/stressful job by the sounds of her husband. Presumably her mum is also coming to the wedding so won’t be able to help?

If I was in her shoes I’d likely have apologised but it does sound like you’re expecting an awful lot

Mirabai · 15/05/2023 19:05

YABU she obviously wanted to do it but it’s totally impractical.

There will be others who decline for the same reason - that’s the reality of weddings abroad.

TequilaNights · 15/05/2023 19:06

Could it be her partner that is saying no?

Thighlengthboots · 15/05/2023 19:06

Those posters (and you OP) saying that they would 'move heaven and earth' and 'go to ends of the earth' not to let down a friend down on their wedding day... I find thata bit much. I'd never have expected anyone to go to mad extremes to attend my wedding

I was happy with 'come if it's possible and easy enough to do so,' no need for the 'moving heaven and earth,' sweating blood etc. It's a wedding, not the second coming

Yep. You could also argue this from the other side that if it was SOOO important to the OP that her closest friends attend her wedding, she wouldnt have planned it abroad during term time. I wouldnt expect anyone to "move heaven and earth" just to attend my wedding either. Thats frankly, ridiculous.

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 19:07

Can you clarify, @Ayla6, because it's not clear in your posts –did she know the exact date of the wedding and that it fell in term time when you asked her to be MoH?

StrawberryWasp · 15/05/2023 19:07

YABU and a bit Bridezilla.

She no doubt said yes thinking this sounded lovely, but the reality of the logistics have kicked in so she's had to tell you it's not possible.

It's probably not that her DH can't get the time off work but more that he's gone: 'Why should I use my precious annual leave on covering household duties so someone else can get married abroad in term time??! I'd rather we use the time in school holidays to do things together.'

If he has a high flying job his annual leave is probably very important to him.

If you wanted people with children to attend your wedding why did you arrange it during term time?

You owe her an apology. I can understand you are disapointed but your expectations are unreasonable and telling her she 'let you down' was bound to make her angry.

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