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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
Bugbabe1970 · 16/05/2023 20:07

If My brother didn't want my kids at his wedding I wouldn't go

Bugbabe1970 · 16/05/2023 20:08

Mummy08m · 15/05/2023 06:25

Just don't go.

They'll realise how silly and inconsiderate they've been when they have kids. I'd be petty and remind them!

But really as they're using their parents' house as venue, they shouldn't exclude close family (their nephew/niece and effectively sister - you are being excluded if you cant feed your baby there) like they are doing. It's just not on, if I were the parents I'd say 'go use a hotel if you're going to try and exclude close family from our house'

This

RampantIvy · 16/05/2023 20:43

CheshireCat1 · 16/05/2023 19:42

Can’t you book a room in a hotel/travel lodge close by then the children can stay there with a sitter and it’ll be easier for you and your husband to dip in and out of the wedding. The only other option is that you go alone.

Would you be happy to have a complete stranger whom you have never met before look after your toddler and breastfed baby?

I wouldn't.

Mumofasdgirl11 · 16/05/2023 20:50

Child free weddings are so inconsiderate of others. I got asked to one by a close friend, explained the situation and he let me attend with my breast fed baby. I was lucky my one year old could be looked after by my in laws. For my wedding, we were at capacity on numbers, so I asked a few friends if they minded leaving their children. Some said they couldn’t come but some said they preferred it that way. I wanted the friends there that said no, so we made a way work, and as it happened, a couple of people didn’t turn up on the day. The problem is, if weddings are before people get married, they don’t realise how difficult it can be to leave a child. Or someone with no understanding of breastfed on demand babies which don’t take a bottle, so think it’s easy to just leave them. When they have their own Children, they realise how hard it must be. Our wedding was all the better for having so many children at it.

Dandymax1 · 16/05/2023 20:54

I personally feel like child free weddings are good as a general rule. I've been to weddings where toddlers and young kids are running around, like crazy. I, however would absolutely want my nieces and nephews there.

Iloveacurry · 16/05/2023 21:04

i think they are being unreasonable. What is the problem with your kids being in your parents house with a babysitter?

Give them a few years, and they have kids, they will then know how ridiculous they are being.

Overnightoats1 · 16/05/2023 21:26

I've gone to a family wedding and had my baby on-site with a babysitter - this this the only and best solution with a breastfed baby.. if you have a good babysitter and enough toys, tv etc the toddler will be fine too! Also on the actual wedding day the bride and groom won't even notice you dipping in and out. . They'll be focused on their wedding.. as long as you time it so you dont miss speeches etc you'll be fine!

eggandonion · 16/05/2023 21:35

I know it is a long long time sin e I had toddlers but none of mine would have stayed inside with marquees and music outside. Similarly if I had hosted a toddler party in mils garden and told her to stay inside watching reruns of Heartbeat she would rightly have refused.

Mlsweetpea · 16/05/2023 21:35

When my SiL was getting married, I had no other option but to get a babysitter on the same venue for my 3 months old.
Their preference was for me to leave my 3 month old at our home (approx 2 hours from venue) with a random baby sitter as I had noone close to look after her. When I refused and told them I am happy to not to attend and my husband could go alone, apparently it was not an option.

It is their wedding, they want it their way, but it is your child you need to prioritise and they have to respect that. I think having a baby sitter in the venue is the best option. Just get lots of distractive toys for your toddler. He might not even realise fully what is going on outside.
And the couple will not realise you are gone for an hour or so if you need to, they will be busy. You will not be their focus.. If you take turns with your husband i see no reason why you would not be away for short time to check on kids or take them out. Do not discuss it with the couple before hand. As long as wedding is child free and you are doing what they are asking, you should be free to go and come back whenever you feel like it.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 16/05/2023 21:40

I just can't get used to this modern demand for child-free weddings. Weddings are supposed to be family celebrations, and that means children should be included and made welcome. Expecting breast-feeding mothers either to leave their baby for hours or not attend is cruel. Come on brides and grooms, let your wedding day be the family occasion it should be!

Confusion101 · 16/05/2023 21:55

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 16/05/2023 21:40

I just can't get used to this modern demand for child-free weddings. Weddings are supposed to be family celebrations, and that means children should be included and made welcome. Expecting breast-feeding mothers either to leave their baby for hours or not attend is cruel. Come on brides and grooms, let your wedding day be the family occasion it should be!

Where I'm from weddings involve a religious ceremony where guests are supposed to be quiet, alcohol, a long sit down formal dinner, drunken dancing to loud music.... What part of that is suitable for children?

Bananagirl23 · 16/05/2023 22:04

I’ve taken my DC to numerous weddings from the age of 1 upward - they always had a great time…

MichelleScarn · 16/05/2023 22:28

Confusion101 · 16/05/2023 21:55

Where I'm from weddings involve a religious ceremony where guests are supposed to be quiet, alcohol, a long sit down formal dinner, drunken dancing to loud music.... What part of that is suitable for children?

Show quote history

I know, it's one day/evening that the wedding party are celebrating, I honestly don't understand how some people can't have just one day/evening that doesn't centre around them/their children. (And say this as a mum of 2). Most people only get 1 wedding, your dc will have countless parties to go to!

Dixiechickonhols · 16/05/2023 22:32

Confusion101 · 16/05/2023 21:55

Where I'm from weddings involve a religious ceremony where guests are supposed to be quiet, alcohol, a long sit down formal dinner, drunken dancing to loud music.... What part of that is suitable for children?

Show quote history

Young children can and do sit through church services. The reception here is in a marquee in mother of groom’s back garden.
Op hadn’t asked if the children could go to the ceremony part (not sure if church or registrar)

jobie70 · 16/05/2023 22:57

I think your brother and his wife to be are miserable.. these are his nieces/nephews.. his family.. and they can’t attend a family wedding!!! I would not be going.. having no children there should not include direct family members.. only guests.. we had a similar problem with an engagement party.. and family members just didn’t attend.. put your kids first IMHO 🙂

Wingingitbestican · 16/05/2023 23:18

Going slightly off tangent, but this is why me and my husband eloped. We didn’t want the hassle of accommodating other people when we got married. We had the most chilled, relaxing day just the two of us. This only works if you know it won’t upset close family members. In our case it didn’t, when we told them the next day, they were all very happy for us. At the end of the day we wanted a marriage not necessarily a wedding

zizza · 17/05/2023 06:47

I haven't got time this morning to RTWT so apologies if someone else has already said this....

Why can't your husband look after the children and you attend the wedding?

Ladykryptonite · 17/05/2023 07:12

Confusion101, so one has to be drunk to dance at a wedding?

malificent7 · 17/05/2023 07:16

I think they sound like a couple of dicks...how mean to do that to family.

MargotBamborough · 17/05/2023 07:34

zizza · 17/05/2023 06:47

I haven't got time this morning to RTWT so apologies if someone else has already said this....

Why can't your husband look after the children and you attend the wedding?

Because her husband's boobs don't produce milk.

starflower1974 · 17/05/2023 07:53

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever felt actual anger before at reading a post. YANBU! I am so sick of weddings being turned into selfish day festivals for the happy (soon to not be with their attitudes) couple. What happened to it being about two families celebrating coming together?! Your children are family and should be there. I’m surprised your parents aren’t kicking off about this, totally unreasonable behaviour especially when you are trying to find compromising solutions. You sound way too nice! Put your kids first, it’s their grandparents house, not a nightclub, if the selfish t*s don’t like it then I wouldn’t go. I bet when they have kids it will be a different story and they’ll expect everyone to pander to them.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 17/05/2023 07:54

MargotBamborough · 17/05/2023 07:34

Because her husband's boobs don't produce milk.

Show quote history

This is where someone will trot out the old 'express and give bottles!' adage. Like that possible or even desirable for all of us.

MargotBamborough · 17/05/2023 08:04

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 17/05/2023 07:54

This is where someone will trot out the old 'express and give bottles!' adage. Like that possible or even desirable for all of us.

Show quote history

When my first born was 5 months old I expressed two bottles worth of milk so I could go to a wedding and have a few drinks, and so I could wear a dress I already owned which didnt have easy boob access. My baby was with me the whole time. I breastfed him in the car between the ceremony and the reception, then gave him bottles for the next two feeds to last until we got back home and I could take my dress off. Still got mastitis.

Daffodilwoman · 17/05/2023 08:06

Can your dh stay at home with the toddler?
Can you employ a baby sitter for the baby and you go leave the celebrations to feed your baby?
I don’t think it’s fair to take a child to their grandparents house and make them sit inside all day whilst their parents are outside with everyone else.

Daffodilwoman · 17/05/2023 08:08

When my dcs were small the last child free wedding we were invited to we didn’t attend. My babysitters were unavailable so that was that. I know sone people were unhappy but so what? We had no alternative.