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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 15/05/2023 20:08

I really hate child free weddings if children are part of the family. I understand not wanting them in the ceremony whilst vows are happening but not allowed to reception either. You have come up with a good solution to get a baby sitter and have children in the house and you and DH can pop in and out to feed the baby and check on the child and if the toddler is miserable take him off for an hour or two. I don't see why Brother and stbSiL are unhappy with this. If they make a fuss I'd simply say you don't feel welcome and won't be coming

GeekyThings · 15/05/2023 20:16

I've read it before, it's nearly 15 years old - that's really old research that's been overtaken by research saying almost exactly the opposite on every single point it makes.

I'm not saying breast milk isn't better, of course it - I just dispute that formula milk is risky. It isn't risky, there's no good research proving any discernable long-term effects from having one rather than the other, or both. Most differences noted in that earlier research become meaningless once you factor in confounding factors like wealth, environment, age, educational background, disability - in particular wealth. So the best thing you can do to lower the risk of diabetes or heighten your kids IQ, is to be rich - breast feeding won't help!

Robinni · 15/05/2023 20:20

@GeekyThings Not getting into it with you rn as don’t wish to derail the thread. But I will read around more following what you’ve said. Thanks for putting it across. Have a wonderful evening.

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 20:23

@Robinni what are you on about with "failed"?? I ebf for a year with both DCs despite difficulties, I just wouldn't have been pumping and dumping when DC was 5 months because my brother wanted a child free wedding at my parents house, of all places.

You are interpreting the OP and others how you want, fine, but your posts are mostly centre around you, not the OPs situation and are unhelpful at best.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 15/05/2023 20:24

Reading between the lines I think they just think I am being OTT and should just be expressing milk and leaving etc- but I dont think my position is unreasonable for a 5 month old?

Anyone else find it a bit sad that the brother is having a wedding in the garden of his family’s home and won’t allow his nieces/nephews to attend, to the extreme that he doesn’t even want the children in the house, not even at the wedding? So weird.

Also, you just know if these two have a child, they’ll be absolutely precious AF about it and will expect it to be at the centre of everything…

Talk to your parents @WeddingDilemma2, keep your baby and toy with a trusted sitter in your parents’ house, and pop out as necessary. Your brother can go swivel, frankly 🤷‍♀️

Robinni · 15/05/2023 20:27

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 20:23

@Robinni what are you on about with "failed"?? I ebf for a year with both DCs despite difficulties, I just wouldn't have been pumping and dumping when DC was 5 months because my brother wanted a child free wedding at my parents house, of all places.

You are interpreting the OP and others how you want, fine, but your posts are mostly centre around you, not the OPs situation and are unhelpful at best.

All the very best to you @MollyRover

Take care.

Mary1986 · 15/05/2023 20:31

Controversial opinion but I don't like kids at weddings at all - they turn it into a creche, parents don't get to relax and conversation is almost always about the little ones or being interrupted by them.

The bride and groom are childfree so shouldn't really be burdened with the arrangements for what to do with yours on their big day.

Panteranoir · 15/05/2023 20:35

People who want to be king and queen for a day and have an Instagram perfect wedding that is all about solely their desires rather than taking into account any of the needs of their family or friends, need to accept that not everyone can fit into their world so won't be able to attend their events.

I realise society is becoming ever more selfish and individualistic but the scenario where a brother won't even have his sister's breastfed baby at his parents house is unbecoming to say the least.

Perhaps they will have thrones a la posh and Becks.

Crumpleton · 15/05/2023 20:43

Not necessarily. I have been to a number of childfree events over the 25 years I've been a parent and thoroughly enjoyed each one.

@coeurnoir That's your choice, but this is about the OP who has already stated many times through this thread that they really don't want to leave her DC especially the 5 month old breast fed one at home.

Her DB/future SIL know this and are not willing to compromise so by saying her DC aren't invited, which again I'll say they're quite entitled to, they're not really leaving OP any option but to not attend.

Confusion101 · 15/05/2023 21:01

Mary1986 · 15/05/2023 20:31

Controversial opinion but I don't like kids at weddings at all - they turn it into a creche, parents don't get to relax and conversation is almost always about the little ones or being interrupted by them.

The bride and groom are childfree so shouldn't really be burdened with the arrangements for what to do with yours on their big day.

I totally agree with this! I have a child and nieces and nephews and I will be having a child free wedding for sure!!! Could think of nothing worse than a toddler stuck inside a house upset trying to get out to the wedding, and probably having a breakdown if they got out and had to go back in. 🙈

OP could they be minded at a neighbours house? Not sure if that's an option. I think ask them if the 5 month old can stay in the house so you can feed her and tend to her if needed but the toddler will prob have to be minded elsewhere if you had someone to mind them

FuckNuggets · 15/05/2023 21:03

If my brother didn't want his nieces/nephews at his wedding I'd tell him to stick his wedding up his fucking arse! I'm all for childfree weddings, but when it's close family? WTF?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 15/05/2023 21:04

The OP is looking at having the children with a babysitter in her parents’ house. Not at the wedding.

The brother and his wife still get to be ‘king and queen for the day’ and won’t be ‘burdened’ by the OP’s kids because they’ll be in the house, away from the wedding.

And if they are so focused on the OP popping out every few hours to feed if necessary, rather than their own wedding day, then they have bigger problems.

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 21:08

@Confusion101 at the expense of your sister not being able to come though? The OP suggested exactly that and it's already been shot down by the bride and groom.

Fabulousdahlink · 15/05/2023 21:20

The solution is to have a family dinner with your brother and his wife just before the wedding to celebrate with them. Then dont go to the wedding. It's a child free one , and you've already said you cant leave your baby as she is breastfed, so you cant go.

No reason not to celebrate with them at a smaller family meal. But respect their decision. You have a long journey to attend ( awful for toddlers and long with breaks to breast feed) You will spend the whole time at the wedding worrying about the baby. Your toddler will be miserable that mum and dad are having party without him. The grandparents are stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to be everything to everybody but also missing a party in their own home to care for your toddler who will be bored.

Dont make this such a hard decision for everyone you have tried to involve in this 'solution'. Send your apologies and make a separate plan to celebrate with your brother and his wife to be.

Confusion101 · 15/05/2023 21:41

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 21:08

@Confusion101 at the expense of your sister not being able to come though? The OP suggested exactly that and it's already been shot down by the bride and groom.

Did she not suggest both of them being minded in the house?

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 21:46

@Confusion101 she did here, but has thought herself and taken on board advice from PPs that that's probably unreasonable and has said that she's looking into toddler being looked after at their own home, not the wedding venue.

Angelil · 16/05/2023 02:30

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 19:48

@Robinni because her DH will also be expected to be at the wedding! Thus not available offsite with the baby.

You are projecting your own experiences and feelings on to the OPs situation. She has only posted twice, it's not difficult to understand.

See, here’s another thing I don’t understand. What do other people’s expectations have to do with this? Does the OP’s DH even want to go to the wedding? If him staying at home with the kids is what he prefers and/or what is best for the OP and her family then I don’t see that what people “expect” matters. It has nothing to do with them.
I know this sounds radical but my sister is getting married in December and I am going alone. My husband will be staying at home with the children (who will be 5 and nearly 1) because that’s what’s best for our family. I literally don’t care what other people think. People here seem to worry so much. If you don’t want to do something then don’t 🤷‍♀️ and stop letting other people’s reactions and feelings rule your life at moments when they are not actually important.

Angelil · 16/05/2023 02:33

GeekyThings · 15/05/2023 20:16

I've read it before, it's nearly 15 years old - that's really old research that's been overtaken by research saying almost exactly the opposite on every single point it makes.

I'm not saying breast milk isn't better, of course it - I just dispute that formula milk is risky. It isn't risky, there's no good research proving any discernable long-term effects from having one rather than the other, or both. Most differences noted in that earlier research become meaningless once you factor in confounding factors like wealth, environment, age, educational background, disability - in particular wealth. So the best thing you can do to lower the risk of diabetes or heighten your kids IQ, is to be rich - breast feeding won't help!

Yes, exactly this. People really need to read Emily Oster’s “Cribsheet” and “Is Breast Best?” By Joan B Wolf.

Velvian · 16/05/2023 07:39

I think the breast vs bottle is really missing the point. What the B & G don't recognise is that a whole day away from a 5 MO baby requires months of preparation. If OP is going to go, minus the baby, it will entirely change how she was planning to care for her baby starting now.

Until you've had a baby and possibly if you haven't EBF a baby, you wouldn't understand that.

Ladykryptonite · 16/05/2023 07:43

I hated pumping, avoided it at all costs

WimpoleHat · 16/05/2023 07:52

The other thing that strikes me is that looking after a baby and a toddler for a full day (or longer) is the most enormous favour to ask of anyone other than the most willing and involved grandparents (and only then if they’re young and fit enough). People who have their own kids simply won’t want the extra hassle; for people without, it’s likely to be a daunting prospect. So all these “just ask a friend” comments make me laugh. I’m lucky enough to have some lovely friends - would they have taken my kids at that age if there’d been some major emergency? I’m sure they would. Would I have dreamed of asking them so that I could go to a wedding? Absolutely not. And I’d feel the same in return.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/05/2023 07:52

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 21:46

@Confusion101 she did here, but has thought herself and taken on board advice from PPs that that's probably unreasonable and has said that she's looking into toddler being looked after at their own home, not the wedding venue.

The wedding venue is her mum and dad’s house, presumably her childhood home. I love a childfree wedding but come on, how would a babysitter in the house with the kids affect this precious bride and groom? If them sensing the presence of a child near but not at the wedding is more important than the presence of the groom’s sister, then it’s probably not a relationship worth saving anyway.

Robinni · 16/05/2023 08:09

Angelil · 16/05/2023 02:30

See, here’s another thing I don’t understand. What do other people’s expectations have to do with this? Does the OP’s DH even want to go to the wedding? If him staying at home with the kids is what he prefers and/or what is best for the OP and her family then I don’t see that what people “expect” matters. It has nothing to do with them.
I know this sounds radical but my sister is getting married in December and I am going alone. My husband will be staying at home with the children (who will be 5 and nearly 1) because that’s what’s best for our family. I literally don’t care what other people think. People here seem to worry so much. If you don’t want to do something then don’t 🤷‍♀️ and stop letting other people’s reactions and feelings rule your life at moments when they are not actually important.

Show quote history

^ This

Robinni · 16/05/2023 08:12

Velvian · 16/05/2023 07:39

I think the breast vs bottle is really missing the point. What the B & G don't recognise is that a whole day away from a 5 MO baby requires months of preparation. If OP is going to go, minus the baby, it will entirely change how she was planning to care for her baby starting now.

Until you've had a baby and possibly if you haven't EBF a baby, you wouldn't understand that.

Agree - does require advance preparation of about 2 months and would need to start now if she was going to go that route.

But she isn’t because she wants to be with the baby herself at all times.

So decision has been made.

RampantIvy · 16/05/2023 08:16

Until you've had a baby and possibly if you haven't EBF a baby, you wouldn't understand that.

And that is abundantly clear on this thread.