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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
LivelyBlake · 15/05/2023 17:31

@cannaecookrisotto the baby is not allowed to stay in the house (venue) either

Robinni · 15/05/2023 17:32

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 16:59

I formula fed dc and I wouldn’t have been happy with leaving a 5 month old for 12 hours. At a push maybe with my mum or mil, neither of whom are available to Op. And I’m pretty laid back. I don’t think Op unusual in not wanting to leave a small baby.

@Dixiechickonhols everyone has different perceptions… I don’t consider 5-6 months to be “small”, if somebody said that I’d think 0-3 months… at 5-6 months they’re quite robust, sitting up, having 3-4 hrs between feeds and starting on solids.

I was comfortable for the gutts of 3 days to leave a 6m old baby with DH. But for OP she really isn’t comfortable leaving at all and her brother should respect that and accommodate her needs as close family, hopefully he does for her sake.

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 17:37

@Robinni I think you've really misrepresented the situation enough. The OP says precisely nowhere that she doesn't want to leave baby with DH.

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 17:41

at 5-6 months they’re quite robust, sitting up, having 3-4 hrs between feeds and starting on solids.

A lot of babies aren't sitting up at that age and most don't start solids until 6 months.
Quite a lot of assumptions there.

ittakes2 · 15/05/2023 17:48

This worries me with you "I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception" - they clearly said no kids but you have asked to bring anyway. I think your suggestion of a baby sitter inside the house makes sense...but I am wondering if you are going to keep your toddler inside the house if you thought it was OK to ask if they could come after already being told no.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 17:52

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 17:41

at 5-6 months they’re quite robust, sitting up, having 3-4 hrs between feeds and starting on solids.

A lot of babies aren't sitting up at that age and most don't start solids until 6 months.
Quite a lot of assumptions there.

If you look online you’ll find that some babies show signs of readiness for solids at four months, most should be by 6 months.

At 6 months they should be able to sit with support, M&P snug seat and Bumbo are usable from 3 months on, by 8-9 months they’ll be sitting on their own.

@RampantIvy I’m not talking quackery, all that info is available. Personally I don’t consider a baby half way to toddlerhood small, it isn’t a newborn anymore. If talking about a baby under 4 months the idea of leaving at all wouldn’t be remotely feasible with Bf.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 17:54

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 17:37

@Robinni I think you've really misrepresented the situation enough. The OP says precisely nowhere that she doesn't want to leave baby with DH.

@MollyRover from her last post

If we are going to attend the full 12 hours… then I am not going to be comfortable leaving the 5 month old for this length of time offsite….all a factor of her age- so would be the same regardless of feeding methods/PIL availability to babysit etc…. If she can't be onsite then options would then be limited to attending part of the wedding only or not at all.

Billyoh · 15/05/2023 18:02

So do I.

GeekyThings · 15/05/2023 18:04

Robinni · 15/05/2023 15:32

@RightWhereYouLeftMe
Formula has been around since 1865, whereas human milk goes back as far as our history.

There are several benefits to breast milk over formula which is why it is advised up to a minimum of 6 months.

  • The nutritional content of breast milk cannot be replicated in formula. It is far more complex and there is evidence to suggest that the components of breastmilk provided by the mother differ according to the stage of development of the baby and in response to interactions with the baby. (You can look up differences in mammalian milk composition according to stage of development - very pronounced in kangaroos as their young are so underdeveloped when born but the same principle exists for humans, not as drastic, but it is there).
  • Immunoglobins are provided to the baby via the colostrum in human milk and continue to be secreted until the point where the baby’s immune system is more developed, this protects against many respiratory and digestive ailments etc.
  • Breastmilk is essential to healthy colonisation of bacteria in the gutt (from the milk and skin of the mother) this can help to prevent the development of colon cancer in later life as well as allergies, asthma and other GI issues.
  • Babies tend to become constipated on formula and it takes them a long time to break it down, this is because the proportions of the main protein components differ; in cows milk the proportion of casein to whey is 80:20, whereas in humans it is 40:60. There are very many other differences summarised here, with the crux of things being that on formula you can expect to see higher rates of obesity, diabetes allergies and deficits in cognitive and motor development (due to the differences in fat composition) Basically, cows milk is evolved for cows, human milk is evolved for humans. https://viva.org.uk/health/a-comparison-between-human-milk-and-cows-milk/
  • Finally, breastfeeding has been shown to lower the risk of diabetes and breast and ovarian cancer in mothers - obviously beneficial for mother and offspring.
Show quote history

Those aren't "risks" of formula feeding, they're benefits of breast feeding. Those are two very different things.

neslop · 15/05/2023 18:07

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 11:21

Thanks very much for all the responses! A real variety of opinions and perspectives and potential options and lots to think about.

A few thoughts:

For the baby- I think the bottom line is that if we are going to attend the full 12 hours (this was the length of day plus travel time to clarify- we are an hour away so not an enormous distance but a little too far to 'pop back') then I am not going to be comfortable leaving the 5 month old for this length of time offsite. Reading through the responses has made me think that this is above all a factor of her age- so would be the same regardless of feeding methods/PIL availability to babysit etc.- although the breastfeeding will obviously make things much harder. So if she can't be onsite then options would then be limited to attending part of the wedding only (ie just ceremony or just evening) or not at all.

My feeling is that if these were the choices, my DB/SIL would probably think having the baby onsite and us attending (rather than not coming at all) was the least bad option even if they aren't happy about it.(Reading between the lines I think they just think I am being OTT and should just be expressing milk and leaving etc- but I dont think my position is unreasonable for a 5 month old?) However I agree with PP who thought we should put it to them and ask them to pick which option they hate the least. If we couldn't go at all we'd be disappointed, but after all it is just a day so I am prepared to suck it up (and not be in the pictures!)

For the toddler- some of you pointed out that DB and SIL may be worried about him 'escaping' into the reception (possibly aided and abetted by relatives!) particularly after we asked if he could attend. I can see this perspective when it comes to a more mobile and opinionated toddler versus a baby (and can see that asking was possibly a mistake) so perhaps best to try to find someone to look after him separately at our home as some PP suggested (which may mean leaving a bit early but not end of the world). PIL would be ideal but are away- however we have more options with him.

Thank you again for the responses- it's clearly not a hugely straightforward situation so it has been very helpful :)

It's so refreshing to have an OP who reads comments and considers them all in such a thoughtful and balanced way - you definitely do not sound unreasonable! Hope you manage to work out the best solution

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 18:10

@Robinni where does she say she doesn't want to leave baby with DH?

coeurnoir · 15/05/2023 18:17

Crumpleton · 15/05/2023 15:51

Realisticly speaking once anyone says its a 'no children event' they are making the decision for anyone with DC to not attend....it's their own doing.

Not necessarily. I have been to a number of childfree events over the 25 years I've been a parent and thoroughly enjoyed each one.
I often don't recognise some of the lives that parents have now where h their lives revolve around their children and they can never be left, or the parents can never do anything for what? 18 years? It's not healthy.

Whilst a young breastfed baby is a particular situation, again there are options to explore like expressing. It seems mad that people shoot down a perfectly reasonable suggestion just because it feeds into their narrative about childfree weddings.

My step daughter had a childfree wedding recently. It was fab. Not some joyless insta perfect event, just her family and friends coming together to celebrate two people who love each other marrying. There was only one person who made a fuss about her child not coming and that was her half sister on her mothers side. She was told that it was strictly child free and the bride ans groom would send them some cake and sorry they couldn't make it. The strops were all on the other side. Which is what I've found quite often happens in these situations.

Childfree people are well aware of the needs of babies and children. Despite what people on here like to think, people make decisions to not invite children because they know what children are like. And they don't want that for their wedding.

Crazycrazylady · 15/05/2023 18:17

Op
I think a really reasonable compromise is your suggestion of leaving toddler at home with someone and asking someone to stay with the baby at your parents house.
I think you'd ultimately be sorry if you don't attend even if it's awkward for you. The bride and Groom need to understand though that you won't be staining for the full day given the circumstances but they won't be able to say that you haven't made significant effort to get there.

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 18:31

Whilst a young breastfed baby is a particular situation, again there are options to explore like expressing.

I don't think you have read the many posts where posters have said that expressing didn't work for them or their baby wouldn't take a bottle. It isn't a one size fits all.

It would still mean the OP would have to leave the wedding at regular intervals to express, and her brother doesn't want her to do that.

K8Lao · 15/05/2023 18:50

And what does OP do with her children?

coeurnoir · 15/05/2023 19:13

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 18:31

Whilst a young breastfed baby is a particular situation, again there are options to explore like expressing.

I don't think you have read the many posts where posters have said that expressing didn't work for them or their baby wouldn't take a bottle. It isn't a one size fits all.

It would still mean the OP would have to leave the wedding at regular intervals to express, and her brother doesn't want her to do that.

Well, obviously it doesn't work for everyone. However, if it's never tried then how are people to know it doesn't work? To rule something out just because someone on the Internet says that it didn't work for them is bonkers.

rookiemere · 15/05/2023 19:22

Aw jeez are we still down the expressing/ breast milk is best rabbit hole ?

It adds nothing to help solve
OPs dilemma.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 19:26

rookiemere · 15/05/2023 19:22

Aw jeez are we still down the expressing/ breast milk is best rabbit hole ?

It adds nothing to help solve
OPs dilemma.

@rookiemere I agree, someone asked, I gave scientifically accurate info on what is currently accepted for information purposes. Not looking for a scrap. Moving on…

coeurnoir · 15/05/2023 19:30

Sorry. Didn't mean to start up the bunfight again.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 19:37

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 18:10

@Robinni where does she say she doesn't want to leave baby with DH?

@MollyRover To refer you back to my original post because you’ve read me wrong… I’ll add some words to make my meaning clearer.

I was comfortable for the gutts of 3 days to leave a 6m old baby with (my) DH (while I left the country).

But for OP she really isn’t comfortable leaving (her baby) at all (with anyone).

I never mentioned her DH. From what she’s said, if she goes then she isn’t comfortable with the baby being away from her at all, with anyone, she wants the baby “on site” so she can attend to it herself.

I am not going to be comfortable leaving the 5 month old for this length of time offsite….all a factor of her age

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 19:48

@Robinni because her DH will also be expected to be at the wedding! Thus not available offsite with the baby.

You are projecting your own experiences and feelings on to the OPs situation. She has only posted twice, it's not difficult to understand.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 19:58

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 18:31

Whilst a young breastfed baby is a particular situation, again there are options to explore like expressing.

I don't think you have read the many posts where posters have said that expressing didn't work for them or their baby wouldn't take a bottle. It isn't a one size fits all.

It would still mean the OP would have to leave the wedding at regular intervals to express, and her brother doesn't want her to do that.

I’m sorry @RampantIvy but two of the significant posters regarding the issue were undergoing enormous stress at the point of trying to express - one had a husband undergoing cancer treatment, the other was attempting to express when the baby was 3 months while working full time and suffering serious stress. Under these circumstances efforts would of course fail - as they did for me before 4m when supply was too low and after 9m when I was bereaved and it stopped completely.

Yes, many others have commented briefly about bottle refusers and issues expressing… but they aren’t OP, she hasn’t tried and her experience may be positive, as it is for many women. And she may not need to leave at “regular intervals”, genuinely I went abroad, brought a hand pump in bag and every 3 hours expressed in a toilet, several women I was with remarked they’d done the same when their children were babies, be it at work or while otherwise away.

You’re right it isn’t one size fits all. It’s still as @coeurnoir put it, an option a women in OP’s situation would have the right to explore - no matter how many doomsayers there are.

But she has ruled it out because the issue is she physically does not want to leave her baby, she wants to be the one attending to the baby herself.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 20:00

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 19:48

@Robinni because her DH will also be expected to be at the wedding! Thus not available offsite with the baby.

You are projecting your own experiences and feelings on to the OPs situation. She has only posted twice, it's not difficult to understand.

@MollyRover…… I am not projecting anything……..

I mentioned I left my baby with my DH because that is who I left my baby with.

Nothing to do with OP’s DH and I don’t know why you are so hung up on this it is pedantic.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 20:04

To be clear again

I did not mention her DH

Or her feelings regarding leaving the baby with him or anyone else.

Because she has made it abundantly clear she wants to be with the baby herself at all costs, no matter who is available to help, or what feeding style is used. She wants to be the carer.

Can we please consider that case closed on the infuriating matter of the DH!

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